Control

-the feeling of being in charge

-the thought that what I do can determine the outcome or at least increase the possibility that the outcome will be what I want it to be

-being able to accomplish what I want by sheer determination

Yeah, I know I feel like this is the same story, second verse (or maybe third or fourth) that I have shared from my heart before, but God has brought me back to this. 

For whatever reason I am hard headed and God has to keep working with me on the same things over and over again until I finally get it.  I was so naive to think that once I "let go" and God provided me with a beautiful family and even a biological child of my own, that for at least some time period, I would get a break from the time of testing and waiting and learning to give up control. But I am finding God doesn't want me to give up control for a season or a period or even until a certain promise is fulfilled in me, but every moment, every day.

Ugh.

I really want to give up control of the details of my life to the One who can handle and perfect the details according to his plan. But I always have to put my two cents in. As if God needs my help.

I have moments where I feel like I am doing pretty good being flexible and allowing God to mess up my plans, and then I feel totally stressed because of the lack of control I have. This giving up control thing is such a growing, struggling journey for me.

I trust God completely. Really I do. At least on paper. I have learned that God is faithful and that he knows what he's doing so I can trust him to do what is best for me. But that doesn't help me in my logical mind that wants to have answers and make sense of things or my emotions that are just crazy right now. (Chalk some of that up to hormones, but still.)

So this is all coming up again right now because I am leading worship on Sunday. And I really don't feel good about it. Usually by now I have a good list of the songs I want to do and I've practiced them quite a bit and have a flow going. But this time I feel a little lost. Maybe because that's God's plan. To make me depend on him more. Or maybe because I am just getting off of my first tax season with a new baby at home and I am just exhausted. Or maybe I'm just letting the devil get in my head too much.  So I just have to keep trusting God and letting him lead me between now and Sunday.

So if you think about it between now and Sunday, say a prayer for me. Because I really do want to follow God's leading for Sunday's songs and I really do want God to move and use me for his glory. And I'd prefer not going into Sunday feeling so defeated and lost.

Learning to lean
Learning to lean,
I'm learning to lean on Jesus
Finding more power than I've ever dreamed
I'm learning to lean on Jesus.