Self Sabotage

I really want God to use me and I want him to feel like he can trust me to obey him when he speaks to me. But I struggle. Often.

I have a tendency to over-think things. (I know you are totally shocked!) My Type A personality wants everything to be perfect and so I take my time in the planning stages of my life and hesitate to take action.  This is especially true when I hear God speak. Because I want his perfect timing. And because I take my responsibilities seriously (maybe too seriously at times.) Usually when God wants me to pray for someone during a church services I am either playing the piano or making sure my kids aren't being a distraction. So I basically talk myself out of obeying by justifying the importance of what I am currently preoccupied with over obeying God. It's really a bad habit I have gotten into. I keep telling myself I just need to obey God before I have a chance to think about it because I can talk myself out of doing anything. But I can't seem to get myself to take action.

And I beg and plead with God to use me and then wonder why he doesn't. Well, duh! He's trying to use me and I won't budge. So I guess I am sabotaging my own blessing and making it hard for God to use me and grow me like he wants to.  I guess I am my own worst enemy.

So today I choose to change that. God, do you hear me? I won't say no again, really. Please try to use me again. I will obey because I love you and I want what you have for me. Really I do.