Change is Work

When I was thinking this blog in my head (at least the beginning of it, which usually gets thrown around in my thoughts until I have time to actually sit down and blog, usually at night), I felt like saying change is work was kind of like stating the obvious. But then I realized that not everyone has my personality and is often resistant to change.

So, for me, change is hard work. I know that it takes 21 days to create a habit, but for me it takes much longer than that to break a old habit or schedule in order for my mind to give mental consideration to a new method of living or doing something.  Because I am definitely not one who thrives on the spontaneous.  In my life in general, my theory is if it isn't broke, don't fix it.  That isn't always true, as is evidenced by my recent adventures in life, you know 0-4 kids in 13 months.  I guess going into the adoption thing was kind of a change due to something being broke and my search for a solution, but was mostly just a step of obedience as we followed God.  But even in that, I really wasn't seeking out change, but rather seeking out God, if that makes sense.

All that to say, being a parent has made me become more flexible and more easy going because I have realized there are many things about my kids that I cannot control. As much as I want to pray them into submission or try to reason with them to see things my way, ultimately, they have the decision as to what they are going to do in any given situation.

So this week of trying to rest in God and live in his peace, has been hard work for me. It's not a natural thing for me. Pastor was saying last Sunday how God told him "Jim, chill out!"  It sounds so simple, but "chilling out" is not what I do well. At all.  But none the less, I am learning and making myself chill out, even if it is very uncomfortable for me.  So I am exhausted from resting, if that makes any sense at all.  It's kind of like an introvert is exhausted from being around people and an extravert feels the same from being alone.  "Chilling Out" takes every ounce of energy I have.  I hope over time this won't be so strenuous for me, but it may just be a struggle I have to face day after day in order for God to have complete control. Kinda of like the thorn in the flesh that Paul talked about in II Corinthians 12:7. Of course that passage ends with one of my favorite verses:

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 I have to daily repeat to myself, "Your grace is sufficient...for when I am weak, then I am strong." I don't like not being able to do everything. I am sure I am not the only woman in the world who tries to be superhuman, juggling everything between kids, and work, and church, and husband. Yes, there are certain things my kids are not involved with in order to ease my load. I am that mom whose kids' "extracurricular" activity is church and that's it.  All that to say, I must die daily and I must tell God daily I can't in order that he can in me. And in order that I convince myself to surrender totally.  Yeah, there are a lot of things I tell God out of my head knowledge that I should feel and should understand deep inside, but I am just not there yet.  So I say the right words, praying that one day it will sink in and I will realize I can't and I will let go completely. 

Ok, I realize I am starting to ramble and these last few posts are all running together. I guess it just feels good to me to get it all out "on paper" so to speak even if I am redundant and boring you all.  It's just where I am struggling/growing right now and what I have to work through.

And in my mind I always come back to "And God is faithful.  He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted He will also provide a way of escape so that you can stand up under it." I Corinthians 10:13

So I trust him, to provide strength to endure this struggle and strength to come through changed, by his grace and mercy.