Habits

The very word itself carries with it a negative connotation. Something that you need to be broken from. Like chewing your fingernails, swearing, drinking, and the list goes on. 

Instead of breaking bad habits, maybe we should start making good habits. Like spending time with God each day, in his word or getting up on Sunday and going to church.

Most of us are probably a little uncomfortable with calling our time with God a habit. Because we are in a personal relationship and calling it a habit makes our devotion time another thing on our todo list and less personal. But maybe more of us need to be in the habit of spending time with God. Because habits are carried out consistently without thought to our feelings or emotional and physical state. Yes, my time with God is something I enjoy and look forward to most days, but when reading the Bible feels like reading a phone book and praying feels like a waste of words, I do it anyways. Because I have made that my habit. There are times in this journey with God where his presence is so real and refreshing, drawing you to himself and there are dry times when you don't feel a thing and you feel alone. That is why this is called a walk of faith. Because even in the basics of spending time with God, we have to believe that God exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him (Hebrews 11:6) because we can't always feel him. We have to trust that spending time in God's word will not return void, but is planting seeds in our hearts that will grow and produce fruit in us, especially when we have nothing except for God's promises to hold on to.

I think often times, we set such high expectations of ourselves and our time with God, that when those aren't met, it's hard to come back day after day and continue to spend that time with God. Which is why we need a habit to drive us back to God day after day, with or without feeling his presence in that time. Let's call it determination, discipline. Faithfulness to God as he is faithful to us. Whatever you call it, you must keep coming back and not give up. 

The devil's most basic goal is to keep us from God and His word. Because he knows that we get our strength from spending time with God and God's word is our primary weapon against him. When we fail to spend time with God, the devil has already gained a place in our lives. Which is why we need to get some good habits established.  So we can best fight the devil and stand our ground against his tactics to destroy us and stop God's plan for our lives.

Tears

I used to cry all the time. Let's call it hypersensitivity. People could hurt me by looking at me wrong. And I was the walking wounded. So much so that I begged God to take the tears away. And he did.

Then, I went through a time when I was so spiritually dry. I called it strength, toughness, but really I had become so apathetic. Feeling nothing. Numb. Stoic. Emotionless. Void. I knew (with my head) that I needed something. That I couldn't live on like that, but had no desire or drive to seek God for anything.

One Sunday I found myself at the front of the church, responding to an altar call. I couldn't tell you want the altar call was for but I guess God was drawing me, even in my desert. (Praise God that he loves us enough to not give up on us!) I stood up there hands raised (more for show than because I actually could feel God) and basically dared God to fix me. I know it was a little bold of me and some might even call it testing God. I think God understood where I was coming from. I think God was waiting for this opportunity. A gentleman came over and started praying for me. I felt this overwhelming sorrow and pain come over me from the very deepest part of my soul and I began to sob. Not pretty little church crying where you dab the corners of your eyes with tissue to make sure the mascara isn't running down your face but an ugly loud cry that left me totally broken, showing the depth of my pain. After a few minutes, that cry was replaced with the deepest laughter I have ever felt. Uncontrollable. The joy that only God can give. The joy that God intended to be my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10).

I learned (or relearned) a few things that morning years ago.

1 - Don't ask God to stop the tears. Being overly emotional is much preferred to being dry and empty.
2 - Until we are totally broken before God, letting go of all of the hurt and pain, we can't be totally victorious. The sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5) The sorrow makes the joy that much greater in comparison.
3 - Being broken is not a weakness, but where we begin to find our strength. 

 II Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

4 -There is healing in our tears. God uses that emotional release to heal our wounds. I don't quite understand it, but I know that without the tears, the healing is not completed. We are not whole without the tears/sorrow.

On a little side note, the man who prayed for me is so far away from God right now.  His obedience brought me to a spiritual break through and now he needs a "come to Jesus" meeting of his own. I say that because often times we place a higher value on who prayed for us than the fact that God did the work. I don't think it is intentional, but it happens. And the devil likes to stick his nose where he doesn't belong and try to make us believe that we made the whole thing up. That God didn't really do the work because the person who prayed for us isn't serving God and couldn't have been God's vessel for that moment in time. But it just isn't true. God uses the willing vessel, not the perfect one.

Man of My Dreams

When we first met, over 14 years ago, I had no idea we would go on to get married and share this wonderful life together or that he would be the man I needed him to be. Of course at 16 years old I knew what I wanted in a husband, but didn't know what I needed from that relationship. But God knew.

My list of requirements (which wasn't really written down anywhere) wasn't very long but most of the requirements were non-negotiable. I didn't have any physical requirements other than the fact he must be taller than me (which isn't hard to find). This is probably because as a person who has never been much for spending hours getting ready, and has always been self conscious about my lovely skin, I didn't really feel like I had any right to demand physical things a person may not have any control of. (That is not to say I didn't have crushes on the Zack Morris' and Corey Matthews of the world, I just never considered them marriage material or good looks to be pertinent qualities of my future life partner.) The one main quality I required was a man that loved Jesus and shared my religious views. I didn't want to be the spiritual leader of my house, not because I don't love God but because it should be the mans job to show his kids how to love Jesus. To be the spiritual head of his household. 

When I met Bj, I knew he loved God but he was quiet, and that kind of concerned me. How do you lead your family when you are so quiet? But I also knew that he loved me and was committed to me, and was willing to do whatever it took to please me. And although his personality  was not what I thought I would find in my future husband, he had a quiet strength that mellowed me out when I was emotional, that stood strong when I was stressed out or indecisive.  He is the one that assured me we were being led by God into adoption. That held me as I cried month after month of negative pregnancy tests. That has stepped up to the plate to parent our kids with me .

Which  brings me to the reason I am writing this post. These past 2 years and the past year in particular, he has grown so much. As a father. As a husband. As a leader. For the past month he has been the cook, the maid, and whatever I have needed and without me even asking.  I am so grateful that God knew he would become the man of my dreams when he put us together.

 

Ready

For a while (probably over a year) God has been putting some little things together for me. He has been speaking to me quite clearly and opening my eyes to see new things in His word. It is just amazing to me! I have been a Christian for 25 years and yet because of the power of the Holy Spirit, I can read God's word and he can still illuminate things to me I've never seen before.

Tonight during my Bible study God opened up a verse in Isaiah.

Isaiah 45: 2-3

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name

God wants so badly for us to know him that he is willing to do whatever it takes to break down the barriers in our hearts and lives, to speak to us, to break through the walls we have put up. Just so that we can know him better. Don't let anything keep you from pushing through to get to know God. He loves you so much and is willing to do whatever it takes. 

So after that word I am ready for God to open some doors for me that he has promised. I know it is coming and I know God is faithful. I just have to continue to trust him and wait for the opportunities to come in God's timing and in his way.

Leftovers

Another Sunday has come and gone and I am ready for a new week. But before we get there, I wanted to share something that is heavy on my heart tonight. (No, Melanie, this is not what the Sunday School lesson was on today.)

I feel like the kingdom of God isn't moving forward, God's people aren't seeing growth as God intended because we are getting in our own way.  More specifically we are stretching ourselves so thin that all God gets is our leftover energy.  Because we aren't willing to give up some of the things "we've always done" in order to put God first. I am not talking about bad things. I am talking about good things, things for our kids, our families, our friends, that we are allowing to take precedence over God.

By the time we make it to God's day, we are already so exhausted from the week before, from the running around on Saturday, that we are useless come Sunday morning. When God wants us to be able to minister one to another and gain encouragement and strength as a church body, we are barely awake through the sermon and are just counting down the minutes until it is over. Instead of being able to be spiritually awake, ready for what God wants to do, with ears eager to hear God speak and hearts ready to respond, we are just there for appearances sake, if we manage to crawl out of bed at all.

So its time to start doing some prioritizing. Instead of giving up God's things, why don't we start giving up the other things that are keeping us from giving God our best?

I am not foolish enough to think that even with your priorities right there won't be days when you don't feel like serving God and you don't feel like spending time in the word and prayer.  But those are the days when you most desperately need to push through, to be faithful to God as he is faithful to you. Day in and day out. Through the worn seasons of life and through the exhaustion. That is when our spiritual roots are deepened and your foundation made stronger. Because if you make an excuse now when you are tired, it will be easier to make an excuse for something else the next time serving God seems like a chore. 

It's a fight. Every day. The fight of faith (which is what we talked about in Sunday School). And the struggle will be worth it. So worth it. To hear "well done, my good and faithful servant."

Happy 10 and 11 month, Seth!

Mommy was really busy the past few months, so we are going to have to combine two months into one. I think adding school back into the mix did me in.

 The past few months have been full of growth. This past Monday you took a few steps on your own, but you are mostly cruising around the house holding on to furniture, walls or whatever you can get your hands on. You love your independence and are quite brave, not afraid to push the limits when it comes to reaching to get things and moving from one support to the other.  This means we have had quite a few falls, bumps and bruises. I am putting you in real shoes (with real soles instead of the baby soft soles) and you have gotten to wear you like it and request them. You love the playing with the velcro strips on your shoes and think you are just so funny when you take your right shoe off (yes, its is always the right one.)

 You copy pretty much anything you see if you can figure out how to. For example, today when I was watching the Huskers, you were happy to cheer along, with your hands in the air letting out excited squeals when they Huskers scored, just like Mama.

 You have started talking a lot more and I can definitely say you know who Mama and Dada are. On occasion I have heard you say what sounds like "Hi there" and "All done" but I'm not sure if you know what those mean or if it was just a coincidence.  It's funny because when you were with Daddy all day last Friday, he says you said "Mama" all day and today, when you were with me you said "Dada" all day.  However, you rarely call for us when we are in the room with you. I guess that makes sense. No reason to calls us when we are already there. You are just too smart already!

 You have started making kissing sounds and reaching in to give open mouthed kisses.  Don't know where you got that, maybe Nana. When I'm holding you and give Daddy a kiss, you copy us with your kissing sound and it is so cute. You have started on some table food and love it, sometimes too much to eat your baby food. We are doing some mixture of the two right now, with bottles of breast milk still at every 4 hours during the day and as you are hungry when I am home. This usually means I nurse you in the evening, once in the night, and in the morning during the week.

Your sleep schedule has been all over the place lately, and I blame you getting your top two teeth for that. At some point (I think when you were sick) I stopped making you put yourself to sleep and haven't gotten back into the schedule. I have recently (as in the past few days) gotten you to sleep all night in your bed (with one feeding during that time) until about 6. I let you get in the bad habit of sleeping with me and Daddy for 3-4 hours a night when you were fussy instead of making you go back to sleep in your crib. But I am breaking that before it becomes a bigger issue.

You have gotten way more attached to me and basically won't go to Dad if I am in the room. I have read that is normal. I love your two arm hugs around my neck, and love being loved by you, but I wish you would make Daddy feel loved too sometimes when we are both home. He knows it is just a phase and will probably end when you are weaned from breast feeding.



I don't ever want to forget these days. You are so fun and so cute and I love every second of it! You are such a gift from God, sweet boy.

Praying for my kids - Peace

My kids struggle. At school. In life. In many ways they are normal kids, but there are moments when I see the effects of the unfair start they got to life. And it makes me so mad at the devil. So frustrated that they have to deal with this. That I have to deal with this. I will be the first to admit I have given God all sorts of suggestions on how to fix the problem (I am sure I am the only one who tells God how to fix things.)

So this morning on the way to school, I was praying over my kids (out loud so they could hear like I do each morning) and the Spirit of God led me to pray for peace for them. I have prayed many things for them over the years (yes, they have been with us for almost 2 years) but I'm not sure peace was ever one of them, unless it was just in passing. God showed me that the source of most if not all of their struggles is the internal turmoil they go through on a daily basis. And as I pray for God's peace to cover their minds, their emotions, their hearts, the peace of God will calm the troubled waters and all the other stuff (you know, that I was praying for God to do) would be taken care of.  Thank you God for your word for my kids!

So often we pray for the symptoms of our struggles, because they are tangible to us, and we can identify them. But if we will let the Spirit of God lead our prayers he will show us the source, so we can cut it off at the root of the problem. 

So, today and every day until God leads me differently, I will pray for God's peace to cover my kids and his plans will be accomplished in their lives. Praise God!

Expecting Great Things

I love Sundays.  Yes, they are quite busy for me, by choice, but I love them, nonetheless. 

This week I am expecting God to do some amazing things at church. Why, you might ask? Because I know the devil has been alive and well this week, attacking God's own. Trying to wear us out. Trying to distract us so we aren't open to hear God clearly or receive fully all that God has.  So if we can continue to recognize the source of our current struggles, and not let the devil gain the victory, I am convinced that God is ready to show up in a big way tomorrow at church.

We can't let the devil win this time. I'm sure he won't quit distracting and attacking us until we put him in his place. Don't give up. Don't give in, but stand strong on the promises of God. 

And expect God to do great thing on your behalf!

Disclaimer: Yes, I am speaking mainly to my church family, but God is the same no matter where you live or go to church and He desires to love you and strengthen you through every struggle of this life. Trust him, stand on His word, and wait and see Him fulfill His word to you.

Selfless Prayers

My prayer for the past year or so has been for ears to hear God clearly when he speaks and a heart to respond without hesitation (because the longer I wait/hesitate, the more opportunity I give myself to justify not doing what God is asking of me).  I have grown in this and obeying God has gotten easier.  Praise God!

But the down side is that when God starts having his way in my life, the devil gets scared and starts fighting against all that God is doing. (It's actually one of the ways I am assured that I am right where God wants me to be.)  This week has been very frustrating and stressful for me. Nothing major really, just a lot of small things adding up.  And the devil for sure is taking full advantage of every moment he gets to make me think I am failing or that I can't keep going like this or that I should just give up.

If you've ever read "This Present Darkness" or "Piercing the Darkness" by Frank Peretti it is a real eye opener to what is going on in the spiritual realm, behind the scenes as we go through our day to day life. I brought this up because I definitely see this attack as retaliation for my obedience to God.

One of the things God has asked of me is to intercede for certain people or situations. It is very hard to obey God in this when I feel like I have enough of my own struggles I need to be praying about. My kids, my struggles, the things that are close to my heart need my attention.  And yet, I have chosen to selflessly obey and have been praying as God as asked. Knowing that he will take care of my concerns as I put myself out there for others. (Actually, it almost helps me escape my circumstances and stop focusing on them. It helps me be grateful.) But I can't help but think that those whom my heart hurts for would be closer to victory if I spent my efforts on praying for them.

So if God is asking you to pray for me (and I do believe God moves full circle so that we are "bearing each other's burdens") you had better obey him. Because I need it. And God will take care of your own when you take care of his own.