Tears

I used to cry all the time. Let's call it hypersensitivity. People could hurt me by looking at me wrong. And I was the walking wounded. So much so that I begged God to take the tears away. And he did.

Then, I went through a time when I was so spiritually dry. I called it strength, toughness, but really I had become so apathetic. Feeling nothing. Numb. Stoic. Emotionless. Void. I knew (with my head) that I needed something. That I couldn't live on like that, but had no desire or drive to seek God for anything.

One Sunday I found myself at the front of the church, responding to an altar call. I couldn't tell you want the altar call was for but I guess God was drawing me, even in my desert. (Praise God that he loves us enough to not give up on us!) I stood up there hands raised (more for show than because I actually could feel God) and basically dared God to fix me. I know it was a little bold of me and some might even call it testing God. I think God understood where I was coming from. I think God was waiting for this opportunity. A gentleman came over and started praying for me. I felt this overwhelming sorrow and pain come over me from the very deepest part of my soul and I began to sob. Not pretty little church crying where you dab the corners of your eyes with tissue to make sure the mascara isn't running down your face but an ugly loud cry that left me totally broken, showing the depth of my pain. After a few minutes, that cry was replaced with the deepest laughter I have ever felt. Uncontrollable. The joy that only God can give. The joy that God intended to be my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10).

I learned (or relearned) a few things that morning years ago.

1 - Don't ask God to stop the tears. Being overly emotional is much preferred to being dry and empty.
2 - Until we are totally broken before God, letting go of all of the hurt and pain, we can't be totally victorious. The sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5) The sorrow makes the joy that much greater in comparison.
3 - Being broken is not a weakness, but where we begin to find our strength. 

 II Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

4 -There is healing in our tears. God uses that emotional release to heal our wounds. I don't quite understand it, but I know that without the tears, the healing is not completed. We are not whole without the tears/sorrow.

On a little side note, the man who prayed for me is so far away from God right now.  His obedience brought me to a spiritual break through and now he needs a "come to Jesus" meeting of his own. I say that because often times we place a higher value on who prayed for us than the fact that God did the work. I don't think it is intentional, but it happens. And the devil likes to stick his nose where he doesn't belong and try to make us believe that we made the whole thing up. That God didn't really do the work because the person who prayed for us isn't serving God and couldn't have been God's vessel for that moment in time. But it just isn't true. God uses the willing vessel, not the perfect one.