2014 - The Year I Lose It

Sunday morning at the Fowler household was bad. Really bad. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was done. On the way to church I apologized for overreacting and being frustrated with everyone and everything.  I knew that I blew it. I admitted I messed up and I knew something had to change. I didn't like life the way it was. It wasn't my best and it was doing nothing for my Christian witness in front of my kids. Not a good example for them at all.


But even then God was speaking ever so gently in my ear.

Sandra, you have to give it up.

I really thought I had done so well adapting to life that is less planned and less orderly (in other words life with 4 kids). I was okay with things not being perfect, or so I thought.

Daniel very clearly and sweetly told me what the problem was. My kids didn't know how to please me or how I would respond at any given moment. I would yell at them for not helping and then yell at them for helping but not doing things the "right" way. So I had put myself in the place where I desperately needed help but wouldn't allow myself to be helped at the same time.

Control - I have to be in charge. I have to do everything. I have to be the boss.
Perfectionism - It has to be perfect. All of it. To my standards which I can't even live up to.

And it isn't pretty. At all.

So for 2014, with the help and grace of God, I will lose it all. The control. The perfectionism. The critical attitude. All of it.

Not to say I no longer care or that my life and house will be utter chaos, but I will try to let go, a little more every day, and let my family help me.

So here are my new years resolutions:
1. To ask for help when I need it and not wait until I am overloaded.
2. To not complain about how something is done as long as it is getting done. Most of the time, they just need some direction which leads to the next one.
3. To give clear directions of my expectations which should be attainable depending on who is helping me.
4. To be more compassionate and less critical.
5. To be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to become angry (James 1:19)
6. To respond with a gentle answer. (Proverbs 15:1)
7. To catch my kids doing good and make a point to publicly (in front of the other kids) recognize them for it.
8. To focus on the good things and not the bad things about life in general. Because God is good and life really is good because of the mercy of God when you make yourself see it.
9. To spend more time with God each day.
10. To sing/play piano/play worship music around the house more.

Okay, we'll stop there. This list is pretty tall, but I don't plan to be perfect in all of this in one year, but just to do better, one day at a time. And intentionally strive toward those things. Because I must be the representation of the love of God for my home to be a place of peace for us all.

Merry Christmas!

As I sit down to write this blog post, I am really at a loss for words. I want this to express my feelings about the holiday we celebrate today and yet I don't even know where to begin, so I'll start with one word.

Grateful.

Not because it is November and the "month of gratefulness" or because someone has asked me what I am grateful for, but because I truly don't know where I would be if my Jesus didn't come to earth to make a way for me to come to God and have personal relationship with him.

To me, Christmas is more than a time to be with family and to give gifts to those we love and to build traditions. Those are all nice things, but to me, Christmas really will always be about Christ, the one for whom it is named.

And because of him, I have hope. Hope in the many promises he has given me and faith that he will do exactly what he has said he will do. Hope in the one who has control of all, that he will do what is best for me and will take care of me as only he can. And hope that someday he will come to take me to be with him in heaven and I can be free from this world and it's influences.

I am grateful for the grace of God. Unmerited favor. Just because God chooses to love me, he has placed his hand on my life and blesses me far beyond what I deserve. If you don't believe God is good, just take a look at the kids he gave me. You hear all the horror stories about adopting older kids (meaning babies) and how they come with so many issues and they never really attach to new parents and are permanently scarred. But for the grace of God my kids are more normal than most normal kids. Yes there are struggles , but there are with all kids. In the spectrum of the very things I feared going the adoption route, my kids are so well adjusted and just fit in our family. They even look like us. And then God blessed us with Seth, another precious gift from our loving Father. All because of the grace of God. Amazing!

I am thankful for mercy and forgiveness! Mercy is the reason I am not punished daily when I fail, and I do mess things up often. I am thankful for second chances and do-overs. I strive to be Christlike but I fail sometimes as we all do. But God lovingly picks me up, dries my tears and encourages me to keep on going, allowing his strength to fill the gaps where I am weak. Praise God!!

All this is ours because Jesus came to earth, as a baby, to be our savior. Without  Christ life would be without purpose or hope.

I pray this Christmas you take some time with God to love on him and thank him for his goodness in your life. Because he is worthy of all your praise. No one else has shown such great a love as he did by sending his son to earth just for you.

Responding or Reacting

While I am at work, I long for the days where I can sleep in and get a break from the stress. And when I am at home trying to spend time with my kids, I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle where everything takes forever to accomplish (like laundry or dishes or what have you) and my patience is basically nonexistent.

Which leads me to the topic of my post. How do you respond to the stressful situations of life? Do you react without thought or do you slow down the run away train and respond? I tend to react based on frustration or anger and not respond with the love of God. 

James 1:19-20  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

 Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

So God has been pinpointing my knee-jerk reactions and there has been a whole lot of apologizing and do-overs in my house lately.  I used to think it was a bad thing when I messed up as a parent, but God has changed that about me. I definitely strive to do my best for the sake of the kids, but there is definitely something to be learned from my mistakes, and not just as it relates to me. God has showed me that even in my weaknesses, when I mess things up, I am teaching my kids how to accept our mistakes (because they will happen) and how to rely on the grace of God to help us forgive each other and ourselves, and move on to be more like Jesus every day.

So one of my personal goals for 2014 is to slow down and learn to respond rather than react, and to give my kids and myself a break, and the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them without beating ourselves up because we aren't perfect.
 

I am a work in progress and am so grateful for the grace of God that allows me to learn and grow and doesn't give up on me when I mess things up.

Accomplishing God's Purpose

Isaiah 55:10-11 
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose
for which I sent it.

Tonight I am reminded that God's word always accomplishes God's purposes.  I think this hits me the most as a Sunday School teacher and Girls Ministries leader. Over the years I have taught many Bible studies. Some have seemed well received and affective, and other have seemed like something to do to fill a time slot. If I was determining success or failure on the visual response I get, I would definitely count some days and some lessons to be a bust. But praise be to God, His word always accomplishes His purposes. 

It is not dependent on an eloquent speaker or educated presenter, but on the vary Word itself. No matter what the method or skill of the vessel, God always honors His word and His word is always active, producing God's purposes in the lives of those who hear it. So my efforts which often feel or seem fruitless are not a waste. My preparation is not pointless, but is the way God chooses to plant his word in lives in order to accomplish his perfect will in them.

God's word often does not produce the result I expect or am looking for. But it accomplishes His purposes which are far greater than my expectations.

On a personal level, this also applies when I pray God's word or feel led to share a simple verse with someone who is having a rough day or needs some encouragement. And when I am spending my regular time in God's word. Praise God that even in me, even when it feels like I am reading a phone book (which it sometimes does and yet I do it anyways) God's word is doing something productive according to his plans. It is alive and active, allowing my spiritual roots to grow deeper and my arsenal of tools to be increased for future needs. I don't know what I will need to fight the devil in the upcoming days and though a verse may seem insignificant right now, it may be the very tool I need to fight or to help others in the future. God knows and prepares me accordingly.

Praise God for His Word!!

Worth the Risk

Tonight I was looking over the past months and how God has changed me. I wrote a post on 05/06/13 about an internal struggle I was going through and thought I should update. Things have definitely changed since then.

I took the risk. To open myself up to a friendship that had previously left me burnt. Hurt. And lonely. (I am not placing blame here. It was both of our faults. We agree on this.)

I had multiple friends discourage me from opening myself up again. Because they had seen the damage done to me. And like good friends, they wanted me to protect myself. Not walk blindly into the fire again. 

But God was prompting me. He was leading me to a path of forgiveness. Openness that would allow past wounds to be healed as only God can.

At first it was awkward. We weren't really friends. Just not enemies or adversaries any more. 

I cautiously began to open the door more and more over time. Becoming a part of that life again. Trying so desperately to not butt in where I wasn't wanted and offer unsolicited advice (one thing I am infamous for. I really am only trying to help, but it often comes off as arrogance or looking down on others. And it is the reason I have been hurt more than once. That and saying what I think, assuming people know that I am not saying their opinions are wrong or even care if we agree. I am totally okay to agree to disagree and we can both be right.  Others don't always take it that way.)

All the while God was healing me. Restoring emotions I had since written off and rebuilding me into the person he created me to be. And it was amazing! I can't really pin point a certain time where things were completely restored, but I do know that I am not the same person any more. 

And I can now call her a friend. Unreservedly. Without hesitation. 

Although it took a while, I am so glad that I took the risk and obeyed God as he was leading and didn't stay where things were safe and comfortable. Because I would have missed so much. And would still be that old me. I don't like her much and don't intend on becoming her again. God's redesign is better. It always is. Because his ways are better than mine.

Peace in The Chaos

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see.
I'm moving into something heavenly.

When I can't really describe what I am feeling, God always brings me back to this song by Sanctus Real and the lyrics seem to describe it all perfectly.

We live in a world full of chaos and that will never change. Whether we are in a time where everything is flowing together as it should or in the middle of a trial, there is always chaos. Because this world is not my home and my spirit man will never feel comfortable here. Unless I give in and deny who God has called me to be, there will always be at least a little bit of internal turmoil.

But in the middle of it all, there is a settled-ness, a peace that depends on the character of God that will carry me through. It is trusting in the one who never changes that allows me to have a firm footing in the middle of the crazy circumstances of life.

I am brought back to the passage of scripture that talks about the disciples who were on a ship in the middle of the storm. They were frazzled, frustrated, worried. All the while Jesus was in the bottom of the boat asleep. Not concerned about what was going on because he knew that he had authority over the storms.

I think a lot of us downplay the fact that Jesus was fully man. When we see Jesus and how he dealt with things, we tend to write it off with "of course it didn't bother him because he was God." But we aren't talking about God not being frazzled by the storm, we are talking about a man knowing that he had authority given to him by God and that was why he had peace. Yes, Jesus was fully God as well, but the scripture says he was tempted just as we are, so we need to realize, he had to choose whether he would be living in the chaos of the storm or the peace of trusting God, just like we do.

We have the same authority that Jesus had, given to us both by God. Our peace depends on trusting in the plans and purposes of the one who we have surrendered our lives to, knowing that though the chaos remains he gives peace in the storm.

Obeying God

I am by nature a person who wants explanations and understanding before I act. I don't like to be spontaneous and I don't like to do things that are without purpose, or at least seem that way from my perspective. Yes, I was the "why?" kid when I was growing up. I always needed a reason for everything.

So obeying God, just because he said so, is hard for me. Not impossible, but not something I look forward to either. I know that God knows better than me and his "why" (even if I don't know what it is) is for my good because he sees the big picture and knows the end from the beginning, but that doesn't make it easier on my fleshly man to obey.

I was reading in Jeremiah today and this verse stuck out to me:

Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God. Jeremiah 42:6

Now that, my friend, it total trust in God. Obedience even when our perspective says God is leading us to something that will be unpleasant for us.  Time and time again God has proven to me that he knows what he is doing and still I go kicking and screaming into the things he is asking of me. Just being honest here. 

That is not the person I want to be and yet I find myself in this vicious cycle over and over.

God please use me.

But I don't want to do that.

Can't you ask me to do something that comes naturally for me or something that I want to do like fill in the blank.

God, I'm sorry I didn't obey. 

Please give me a second chance.

Over and over again. 

I am growing in this, but it is still what I struggle with the most I think.

(Besides patience. Yeah, I'm not good with that either especially with my kids. But I am definitely not praying for patience, because I've heard that only brings more trials to help you develop patience. I have plenty of that for now, thank you very much. Now, back to your regularly scheduled topic.)

I know God sees my heart and I really do have good intentions, but I am definitely not there yet. I guess none of us have arrived yet. And that's okay. I just get tired of going around the same mountain again and again. But whatever it takes, God to get me where you want me to be. 

Strength for the Journey

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that we don't like to struggle and we don't like to face trials. If we had a choice (and we don't) we would skip all the hard parts of life and just go from victory to victory. Wouldn't life be great if we always lived on the mountain tops and never in the valleys or deserts? 

But that is most certainly not the reality of life. There are parts of this life that are less than pleasant that we must endure through. Because it is in those trials that God changes us to be the person he designed us to be. I would dare say that the journey is almost more important than the destination. Because in the journey is where we are changed to be like God, changed to be the person necessary to walk in the victory on the other side. So that God gets the glory and not us. So God's plans are made perfect in us.

So I am learning that instead of praying for the victory over my trials (which will certainly come according to God's promises for his children) to pray for strength for the journey.  Because that, too, God has promised to provide. Not that the struggles get easier, but that I can stand up under them, only by the strength of God. That I can learn to depend on, lean on, and trust in his perfect strength. Strength to stand. Strength to endure. Strength for the journey.