Today I am having a hard time determining if this open door is an invitation I should accept or just another temptation to ignore. Let's just say I've been burned in the past and really don't want to go back to being the person I was back then. It wasn't pretty. And just as soon as I come to acceptance of where things are, I face another decision to go back to that or let things be. I really think I'm better off if I say no, but what if I'm missing where I am supposed to be? What if I'm missing where God wants to stretch me?
I long for friendship, but opening myself back up to the wrong person could quickly lead to disaster. Not because of them or because of me, but because the past is hard to let go of. And I don't want to end up hurt and confused again.
So I wait and pray and hope I get some clarity. I know what I want to do impulsively, but that isn't always what is best for me. I don't want to lose my peace by jumping into things I shouldn't be involved in. And I don't want to ignore where God is leading either.
Loving like you'll never get hurt is hard. I want to love fully and completely, but I don't want to blindly set myself up to be broken again. So I hesitate and hold back. I guess I have some forgiveness issues to still work through. Maybe once I'm there I can make a decision. But for now, I think it's best to hold and wait. And pray. Not necessarily for the decision to be made but for strength to forgive, to stop comparing and to be really whole again before I can move forward.
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