I'm Not Scary.

I know that I'm not the friendliest person. I know that I come across as hard and intimidating. I know I'm not approachable. I know that my face looks mad, more often than not but I'm really not going to bite your head off if you approach me.

In reality, I'm probably focused on the task at hand. I'm probably going through my list in my head or making sure my kids are all accounted for.

I'm probably trying to use my time efficiently. I'm probably busy.

I'm probably intimidated by you. I'm probably thinking about what you think. I'm probably scared to approach you for fear you will reject me.

I am overly planned and yes, it throws me a little when someone interrupts my focus, but I really am trying to love people enough to be okay when my routine is broken. If I respond with frustration, it's my problem and has nothing to do with you.

If you take time to know me, you'll learn I can be a good friend. You'll learn that I never want to hurt someone or make them feel less than. You'll learn that I memorize facts about people to show I care. You'll learn that I value honesty and real friendship.

I know that all of this is based on my need to survive according to my standards. These are tactics I've developed to protect myself. And God is calling me to let my guard down.

To love without expecting anything in return. To be genuinely concerned for people and not just me and mine. God has to help me because I can't do this on my own. It is not my natural instinct. But that has to change.

Because I am His and I have to be about His business and not my own.

He Lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He hold the future.
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

Easter is a few weeks away and the significance of sacrifice Jesus made for me is on the forefront of my mind. Jesus, his life, his death, and resurrection is the main thing that separates Christianity from other religions. No other have a living savior who sacrificed himself for them. No other have one who chose to come to earth, giving up his rights as God so that he could sympathize with us when we struggle. To show us how to fight the attacks of the devil and win! To show us what real love looks like. So we would follow his example.

For some people, loving others is easy. For me, it's a struggle from time to time. But I know that if I am truly to honor the sacrifice Jesus made for me, I have to let Him love people through me. It's not natural for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger or butt into their lives, but the love of God compels me to do better at loving others. Not to gain anything, but just to love them because Jesus does.

After all that Jesus has done for me, the least I can do is get out of my comfort zone and show God's love.

My Choice

Friday and Saturday we're particularly hard for me. Let me start by saying this is my stressful time at work so anything that would normally be frustrating is expounded by my quick fuse and impatience right now.

Friday night I overreacted and yelled at my kid. Yes they were being rude, yes I am the parent, and yes I crossed the line. I was not in control of the situation and I should have been. I lost my temper. After we all cooled down and the kids went outside I sat in the house and told myself how horrible of a parent I am and the devil sure had a time with my emotions.

Saturday, I worked half a day, then went on an unsuccessful errand run. I got home tired, defeated, and just done. I proceeded to sulk. In the meantime, my children who had long sense forgiven me, worked in my flower bed, planting new flowers my awesome husband bought me as a surprise. I was inside playing with Julia, which honestly I didn't want to be doing, but I felt I deserved to miss out on the family fun and this was my punishment. In a room, playing kitchen with an 18 month old and feeling sorry for myself. Let's just say I was borderlines depressed by this point and really just wanted to be left alone and cry it out. But I didn't even have that luxury.

I wanted someone to come tell me I was loved, valuable, worth their time, and no one came to my rescue.

I heard God whisper, "What are you doing? Grow up!" Caught me a little off guard and took me back to all the times I've taught people to not give the devil a foothold. All the times I told them in the depths of battle, use God's word against the enemy. All those times I've encouraged others to make a choice to worship God in the valley in order to gain the victory over Satan.

And here I was, speaking death and despair over my own life and situation rather than life that only comes from God. So I started quoting scripture to myself and the devil. I started worshipping. And the presence of God replaced my tears with the joy only found in his presence.

All because I made a choice. A choice we are each capable of making.

Goodness, im sure I'm not the only one who needs to grow up spiritually and stop waiting for a rescuer to pray us out of our struggle. Stop telling people how to fight the attacks of the devil and actually do some warfare.

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptations to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so you can endure. I Corinthians 10:13 NLV

Sweet Spot

I have this friend named "Bob." Every time I talk to him I am more sure of his God given calling. I have never seen anyone that was as perfectly designed to do exactly what he is doing. His heart explodes with love and passion for the people he is called to serve.

It reminds me of how perfect God's specific will and plan is for each of our lives.

Many times we spend much of our lives trying to overcome our weaknesses and we spend little time enhancing our strengths. We are trying to be that perfect we'll rounded person we think God is looking for, when he just wants us as we are. What if the reason we have weaknesses and strengths to begin with is to steer us to the sweet spot of God's will specifically designed for us?

Many times because of need, we force ourselves into a position that God has never intended for is to be in. It works for a while and can even be successful, but it doesn't even compare to when our God given personality and talents meet the position/calling God planned us for.

If we could all pursue God's plan and find that sweet spot, the kingdom of God could be effective just like God intended.

Significance

The excitement of a new pastor is contagious. I knew the church would change under new leadership, but never thought about how that would all change me.

I knew I would be taking on new roles. I knew I would be busier and more involved by default, but I never expected what I'm seeing in me.

There is a new excitement to fulfill the positions God has given me and a new desire to step up and be a leader. Over time, I had just gotten used to doing certain things, like playing the piano/helping lead worship and teaching our Sunday School class. I knew they were important and I was happy to do them, but I wasn't really stepping up, taking initiative to do them to the fullest, or using the gifts of God any more than to facilitate what needed to be done.

Not that there is ever a sufficient excuse but I was kinda in autopilot. Life is busy and I learned how to juggle my tasks, get them all done pretty well and feel successful. And that served me for a season.

As we look forward to the growth of our church in this new chapter, each role I play seems more significant. Just to give you one example, for years I hated practicing for praise and worship. Playing the piano with ease is an ability God has given me. I knew the songs or learned them pretty quickly, so it felt like a waste of my time. I had so many other things I could be doing, and generally left practice feeling frustrated at the little that was accomplished. Ok, my attitude was so selfish and really may have contributed to us practicing so infrequently.  But, this week I've been finding new worship songs to learn and teach the team. I've found my happy place in worship again. My downtime at home is spent learning new material and worshipping, just me and my piano (usually with a 18 month old in my lap or dancing in the background.)

God knows I'm not sharing this so people with give me accolades, but maybe someone else needs to be reminded that their work for the kingdom is significant, worth doing with your entire being. We had a prophecy in church and God spoke saying, "the best is yet to come." What a word of encouragement from the one who loves us more than we can even articulate!

You are significant, and your giftings and callings are by the special design of a creator who has called you on purpose for his purpose! Don't let the enemy of your soul rob you of the joy you can only find by living in full obedience to his calling!

Letting Go of the Past

Last Sunday , Pastor Sid preached about letting go of the past from Philippians 3:13. (This was only one point in his sermon, but the one I'm gonna talk about for a bit.)

I'm generally pretty good at not letting the devil beat me up with my past. I've learned to not give anything he says a second thought, so at first I just agreed on surface level and then moved on to whatever else he was saying.

But last night I realized how pertinent that is to our church as a whole, on a corporate level.

I suppose we all expect change with a new pastor. We'd be ignorant not to. And yet, every step made from here on out will be compared to "the way we've always done it." That's not always a bad thing, but there is no room for either dwelling on the good old days or focusing on what was done previously that will now change (for the better or worse.) Obviously, you have to know where you are to get moving forward (he talked about that too), but there is no reason to even bring up old issues at this point. It doesn't benefit anyone and actually wastes mental and emotional space.

So I'm making a promise to myself to not even go there. We are where we are for a reason and even if getting here wasn't ideal in some ways, here we are. God's knows where we are he will lead us where he wants us to be. He's given us a leader we need to trust and follow into this new chapter for our church.

That boy!

Seth is the sweetest, kindest, smartest boy. Until he's not.

Lately, he's been stubborn and defiant and strong willed, throwing fits at the drop of a hat when things aren't perfectly how he thinks they should be. (On a side note, I'm pretty sure I gave him the perfectionist gene. I'm sorry sweet boy! You can blame that one all on me.)

I think it's just a phase coupled with a very strong need for more one on one time with Mommy. And as much as I wish he didn't have to fight for my attention, he certainly does. That's one of the downsides of a larger family. It doesn't affect the big ones as much since they are more self sufficient and enjoy time alone or together without me.

This morning he didn't want to stay with Nana, which is not common for him. I think it was some combination of being tired from the time change and this phase he's in. It's exhausting and his little sister copycat (who yells or cries with him just because) certainly makes it fun for mom. This morning as he was throwing a fit in the car because he wasn't satisfied with his snack choices, Julia kept saying "Seth, stop! Seth stop!" It made him more angry because she was telling him what to do. It made me smile!

I've tried different things. I've punished him. I've ignored him. I've tried to reason with him. I've apologized to other kids and parents for him a lot. I've prayed for wisdom.

Today at work I was reminded of something I read about kids living up to what you expect them to be or say they are. So I decided to try harder to find positive things to be proud of him for and make a big deal about that rather than accentuating the negative behavior. I also made a point to have 15 minutes (at least) of Seth and mom only time as often as I can. He decided to play Guess Who. It was fun! He won some, I won some and he didn't even seem to mind or notice who won. And at bed time he actually seemed back to his normal sweet self. Letting me leave without screaming after I'd spent a few minutes in his bed with him. We prayed and talked about how much fun we had together and what he want to do tomorrow during our special time. I hope it's a little thing that helps him and us.

This is usually where I give the excuse that I haven't had to deal with a 4 year old before, but I can't use the excuse (since Katelynn was 4 when she joined our family) but somehow it's different. She wasn't defiant at this age, but she also had a much different life up to that point.

I guess each kid is different at each age. Just something else I have to depend on God for. I supposed He likes to keep me leaning on Him so I always know who's in charge.

In the Books

The first Sunday with our new pastor is done. And we definitely made the right choice. Or at least that's how I feel.

I remember seeing his resume the first time through and I remember feeling excited. And hopeful. And a bit apprehensive. He was younger than most of the applicants, but had some good pastoral experience in a smaller church. I was unsure if he was as good in person as on paper, if we'd get along with him, if they'd be our friends, if he was the one or if I just wanted another family our age in the church.

He tried out and the service seemed to go almost too smoothly. He was the second in line of three candidates. The people seemed to respond to him. There was excitement in the air.

But was it God's leading or just hype? You know how you go to a special service and have a great speaker and it is very easy to get overwhelmed by the charisma, only to notice later that is all it was? Yeah, I didn't want that for a pastor, I wanted God's man and I tried so hard to discern the difference.

So we voted and he was elected, by almost 80% of the vote. I was so glad that the church body for the most part was in unison. Such a big decision and I really prayed for it to be a unifying vote and not a dividing one. And God answered. Praise God!

Within days of the vote, they had invited us to their home. It was such a great night. Kids playing around us and just good fellowship with our new pastors. The transition has been relatively easy. And the fit is just right. I can't really describe it any other way. They have found their new family and we have found our new leader.

There is a big difference between the prior pastor and this one (not better or worse, just different) and still it's going to be good. I feel like I just keep saying that. He has a pastor's heart for the church and a heart for God. I'm so honored to be a part of this church under his leadership and am excited to see what God will do!

I hope that Pastor's Sid and Heather feel as loved as they are at RLC. Welcome home!

Open Doors

I've been praying for opportunities to minister outside of the norm. Obviously that is a really vague request so I've been trying to keep my spiritual eyes open for whatever doors God may open.

I definitely have some ideas of how I think God should open doors, but we all know God's ways are not my ways (and I kinda think he chuckles in the corner while I try to figure it all out.)

Today I had the opportunity to pray with a client over the phone. I've been working with her for years and she has just been going through some tough stuff and was really feeling defeated and depressed. So I asked if I could pray for her and she said yes. When I started to pray I could feel God's presence so strong in my office and I know that God encouraged her.

That was definitely a first. My clientele are mostly Christians and religious ministries, so it wasn't that difficult to ask if I could pray for her, but that doesn't negate the fact that God opened a door and today I made the choice to walk through it. I don't always choose to obey, but praise God I did today.