And We're Marching...

We just got back from a relaxing and fun vacation in Colorado. I plan to post pictures of that, but will do that in a separate post. Onto the meat of the matter. They're gone. The kids we had hopes of adopting have been placed with an uncle. Even though we only had them for 6 weekends over the past 4 months, we love them so much. And ultimately we want what is best for them. I won't debate whether this is the best option for them as it wasn't my decision to be made, and quite honestly, my opinion doesn't matter. Yes, we were crushed when we learned things were moving in this direction because we really thought they were meant to be our kids. But I have been saying from the beginning that we only want the kids God has for us and his perfect will and not what I think is the perfect option. Once again, my opinion counts for nothing because God is the one in control. We are okay, really we are. Yes I am going to miss their smiling faces and will think of and pray for them often, but it was good for us to get this experience. To realize we can handle this with God's help. I am not in over my head. And so I feel like the Israelite children, wandering in the desert, looking for the land God has promised. Learning how to trust and depend solely on God and not my experience or intuition. Learning to wait well. Learning patience and surrender. Hopefully we won't be wandering for 40 years (in a somewhat aimless direction) as the Israelites did. (ha!ha!) Looking back, I think God allowed me this time so I would have a glimmer of hope breaking through the clouds of hopelessness I have been living under. (I am not saying that all moments of my life are gloomy, but we have been in a time of waiting when there is no end in sight and it can get kinda dark under here.) I know God was giving me a smile and joy in the middle of the storm. When my sister came to visit in May, I am pretty sure it would have been totally unbearable to see her pregnant and participate in all the baby shower festivities without the distraction of my kids. So I am thankful for the experiences we shared with them and wouldn't take back a single day, even if I knew they would ultimately be placed with family and not us. So we consider them our first kids and will never forget them. I hope that we are able to somehow keep in touch with them if only through being able to send birthday cards every year. I am not sure if this is even possible or an option. I am willing to let go, but want them to know that they aren't forgotten if they ever feel like they need to be able to reach out to someone. When one door closes another one opens. Just as we were getting this devastating news, we were sent a profile of some kids we have seen before. It is the first set of siblings we applied for in November. We are submitting for them again, and keeping our eyes open to see what God has for us. And we're marching forward to God's perfect will for our family.

Coincidence or Not

I don't know what you believe, but I don't believe in luck or coincidence. When things happen that seem unlikely, I call that God's hand and God's favor and not being lucky. Because God knows exactly what is going to happen in my life way before I do.

Psalm 139:16 All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

On Monday we got what we perceived as devastating news. My heart was broken. Yes, I chose to trust God through the tears and confusion, but the circumstances looked bleak at best. And the tears kept coming for the better part of the evening and into Tuesday and whenever someone asked what was wrong. (On a side note, doesn't that just make you cry again? Maybe sometimes its good not to ask even if you do care. Just a thought.) So we kept on praying as did a ton of other people. God wasn't surprised even though we were. We chose to trust when it didn't look good and on Friday, the situation changed and God reminded us once again that he is in control. (Right, Heather?) It never changed, but God was letting us realize no matter how great our intentions and plans, we are not God and we can't change a thing. We are only his servants and we can pray His will is accomplished. Sometimes, I think he is just testing us to see where our faith lies, in our plans and schemes or in Him. I am glad that every single day, significant or not to me, were planned for me before I was even created. It's not chance or luck, but God's will that controls what goes on in my life as I am faithful to him.

Against Hope

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." ~ Romans 4:18

Do you know what it feels like to be without hope? Today feels a little like that for me. But just like Abraham, I choose to have hope when it seems silly and useless. And I will also receive the promise God has made to me. Sunday, church was really good. I just sat in God's presence and felt so refreshed and strengthened there. And today I realized why God provided that place of refreshing. Because today has been rough. I started the day making a statement of faith about the great week I was expecting. And then the roof fell in. One tile at a time. The circumstances look frustrating at best, but God doesn't change. And I choose to be like Abraham today and every day until I see God's promises fulfilled in my life.

Wasted Years

When you are a planner, like I am, and your plans don't work in your time, it is hard to think there aren't years that were wasted. When B.J. and I got married over 7 years ago, I asked him when he wanted to have kids and his response was "I just don't want to be an old dad." We were 24 and 21 when we got married, so I figured I wouldn't have any problem making sure he had kids before he was "old". (Whatever that means. It is all so relative.) Well, he is now 31 and I'm 28 so I feel like I may not be able to meet that stipulation. Not that B.J. is mad or anything like that because he knows we can't control what is going on with us right now. If it were up to me, and it apparently is not, we would have 2 kids by now or at least one and one on the way. But God has different plans and I am totally okay with that. However, there are days when I think about the wasted years. Where would we be if this whole journey of having a family was easy and quick for us? I have a friend who perfectly planned all three of her pregnancy to have each of her children in June so her husband (a teacher) could be off with her after the babies were born. Sometimes I envy her. And then I remember God's plan is perfect. It isn't plan B because plan A didn't work. Sometimes I think we think God has a backup plan. If we could just get it into our heads and hearts that his first plan is perfect and will be accomplished, that might just change our theology a bit. Back to wasted years. I read this verse the other day and it resonated with me (another way of saying the Holy Spirit hit me between the eyes with the truth in it.)

Joel 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten."

Isn't that awesome? God is aware that we feel like time has been wasted and we are still waiting and he has promised to repay us for our time of waiting when we don't see the promise yet, but are just trusting him faithfully. In Sandra's translation, it says, "Don't worry about it. I'll make it up to you and it'll be worth the wait. The times of wanting and needing and not seeing provision, I'll reward you for holding on against hope and against reason." So I think I'm going to make this my new verse of promise to hold on to. So here's to another week, another month, another year of waiting. Not hopelessly, or for some magic moment, but on God, who knows exactly what he is doing and when his perfect time will come. Because God sees the waiting period and he will repay me for what I view as wasted years.

Progress

So I can't remember what I post about and what I don't, and don't feel like looking back to see. We decided we would buy twin beds, mattresses, and bedding for our two spare rooms. We are setting up one for a boy and one for a girl. We don't really know what kids God is going to give us, but figured this was a place to start. Besides, the kids come and visit us once a month and their current sleeping arrangements are temporary at best. So we bought boy bedding a month ago or so and finally found a bed about a week and a half ago and ordered it. It is supposed to be delivered in the next 10 days (which seems really vague to me, but I guess we'll know more as delivery gets closer). We originally bought a bed off of craigslist for the girls room and last weekend we bought mattresses and box springs for two twin beds. (I have an obsession with box springs and really didn't want to buy a twin bed that would not accommodate the mattress/box spring set). I also bought girl bedding and it was delivered Wednesday. I set up the bed and put the mattress on it last weekend to discover the bed must be a twin XL bed because the mattress is not big enough. We ran the idea past my dad to see if he thought it was worth the effort to see if we could make it work and find some way to make it smaller, and since he didn't think so and I really wanted the extra 5-6 inches back for the already small room, we decided to sell the original bed purchased on craigslist and buy another one for the girls room. So I found a bed I liked, ordered it yesterday. Well today, someone came and purchased the other bed we were selling and the girls bed got delivered. So we have the girls room all set up, at least until we adopt kids and can adjust the room to make it fit them specifically. So here's a picture of the progress:And just so you know, I put the bed together by myself since I actually enjoy that kind of stuff more than B.J does. Besides everything these days is really easy to put together, assuming you have all the instructions and parts. Also, we have the kids for the weekend and just for the record, they are hilarious. You should have heard D "babying" N who is only 18 months younger while trying to help her play the Wii. Hilarious! High pitched "baby talk" voice and everything. The funniest part is that he was getting frustrated that she wouldn't let him help her. This is the same kid who told his foster mom that fishing was too hard since he couldn't get it on the first try or so and wouldn't let B.J. help him. I had to sympathize with D when he was getting frustrated with N for messing up something that he had just organized and cleaned up. I told him I totally understood his frustration, as I feel like that is the story of my life, but it was okay and he could clean it up when she was done playing. He was satisfied. I seriously think kids are my stress relief. Seriously! Huge smile!

The Dark Side

For the most part, I am faithfully trusting God to provide for us as far as kids are concerned. He knows exactly what we need and what his plan is for us. His plan is perfect and I have to tell myself this every day since obviously things have not got the way I planned for them to go. :) It took me a long time to get to this place, but I am for the most part hopeful in God's plan. But as it is with most struggles, there is always a dark side, a valley of the shadow of death so to speak. You never realize how many people in your life are pregnant until you are the one who isn't and long so badly to be. I have seen friends conceive more than once and have multiple kids in the course of time we have been trying to conceive (TTC) and are yet to get a single positive pregnancy test. People who "accidentally" got pregnant or who don't really want to be pregnant but find themselves in that situation don't understand those who are wanting this so badly but to no avail. And you see those people who really shouldn't be parents but are and you compare yourself. I would do a better job then that, but God gave them kids. It's not fair! I know it's not pretty and I have to ask God to forgive me for thinking that way, but its the truth. I think one of the reasons this has been so difficult is that I have never really had a struggle of this magnitude. God has been so faithful to us to provide us with everything we need plus some in every area of our lives but this one. And I am very grateful, but often find myself wishing I could "accidentally" conceive. And I think about all the money I wasted on birth control for almost 5 years. (Sometimes I am way too practical for my own good. I am fully aware that it is possible that we could have conceived over that time period had I not been on birth control and I don't think I would have wanted that either, but you can't help but think it was a waste.) And I think about the people who I have disappointed. B.J.'s parents who moved down here 2 years ago to help take care of the grand-kids that still don't exist. And my parents. And my sister who wanted nieces and nephews before they moved away to Chicago. No one has ever blamed me or told me they were disappointed with me, but my mind runs away with me sometimes. I am my worst critic. And you get prayed for so many times by people with great intentions. I am not down-playing the power of prayer and I am fully convinced that God answers prayer, but sometimes you feel like they are only praying because they feel bad for you. I don't want to be that person everyone pities. But there is sunshine peaking through the clouds of doubt and despair. Because "He who promised is faithful." Most of the time, I choose to spend my days in the sunshine and not the shadow. Because life goes on. No, I am not going to give up and declare our situation hopeless, but I refuse to waste this time of my life by focusing on what I do not have YET. God is still using me as a teacher, as a worship leader, as a friend now and I can't miss those opportunities. I can't sit in the corner and mope my way through this valley because what kind of life is that? I choose to keep moving forward. Growing closer to God daily. Allowing him to fill me with his love and use me for his glory. And quite honestly, I have a lot of going on and I choose to be distracted. No, I'm not filling my time so I will be distracted, that is just the life I have chosen. Giving myself fully to everything God has called me to now, in the valley, and not waiting for someday to start giving myself. If you read my blog regularly, you know I was able to speak at our church's Mother's Day banquet a few weeks ago and I really feel like God used me. From the outside perspective, having a lady who isn't a mother speak at a Mother's Day banquet isn't the norm. But God spoke to me for them and used me to share his love with them. Secretly, I think God is getting me ready for ministry opportunities that are beyond my wildest dreams. So I'll be faithful and keep listening as he speaks and obeying his words. There is hope. I see it, I feel it, I choose it. And so I press on hand in hand with my supportive husband and God. We will make it through this. God has never left my side and this time is not going to be the exception.

The Whole Truth

So, I have debated for about three months as to whether I would be totally open and forthcoming about some of my struggles on my blog. On one hand, it really is no ones business and on the other, there is comfort in being transparent and sharing your struggles with others who relate. I think that everyone who reads my blog knows at least some of what I've decided to share, so it shouldn't come as a shock to most. Let me say I am not sharing to gain sympathy or pity, but just to be honest and hopefully be able to help someone in their struggle. I've always had a plan for my life. (I feel like I've almost read this exact sentiment in numerous blogs, so maybe God is trying to teach us all something.) We got married in 2004 and decided that I would finish graduate school before having children. I knew that school would only take more time with kids in tow. Fast forward to fall 2008. We decided to start trying to conceive, so I went off of birth control and I basically thought I'd be pregnant in a couple of months. When things didn't happen right away, I just figured it was the stress so I tried to not think about it as everyone told me to just relax. It's like going on a diet. The minute you can't have something you want it more so trying to not think about it drove me to insanity. I started temping every morning and charting my temps to determine what my cycle was doing and try to more accurately pinpoint my ovulation days each month. For someone who always tries to control things, this tripled my stress as every day after ovulation I'd obsess about my temperature and compare my chart to others and how often someone with a similar chart was pregnant and it never ends. Total craziness! In 2010, I casually took clomid 6-8 cycles as instructed by my OB/GYN and half the time it caused me to ovulate and others it didn't. I later learned that clomid sends a signal to your brain to produce a chemical that causes you to ovulate. If you stress (if you know me, there really isn't an "if" in this statement) you can block the signal to your brain and the clomid is useless. No bueno. So in July of 2010 we started looking at other options. I really believed that God was going to give us biological children, so I wasn't really interested in fertility treatments at that time. God had clearly spoken to us about adoption, so we started to pursue that avenue as you can read about here. So in January my OB/GYN referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist whom we love! We had general testing done and everything came back pretty normal. They did determine that I had borderline hypothyroidism, and I was put on a synthetic hormone to correct that. I learned that many times, if your thyroid isn't working properly, it can cause fertility issues. Dr. Lee said that if we weren't trying to conceive he wouldn't even worry about the thyroid, but since that can cause early miscarriage and other issues, he'd rather be safe and correct it. I have since been diagnosed with ovulatory dysfunction, which I think is the general category they put everyone that doesn't have PCOS or endometriosis or some other diagnosis or disease that has a name. (That is totally my uneducated opinion.) We have done three monitored cycles that included clomid to cause the follicles (eggs) to mature, synthetic estrogen to help with the lining of the uterus, ovidrel shot to trigger ovulation, and progesterone to help sustain a pregnancy if I conceive. So sometimes I feel like a medical experiment. Yes, the doctors know what the drugs are supposed to do and monitor to see if they do their job, but really it is still a shot in the dark as to if I conceive or not. We can give me the best chance, but God is still in control. I guess this is one of the reasons I am okay with going to a specialist. Before we decided to go, I had to make sure this was what I wanted and where I felt God was leading us. I don't mean to get into a debate, but I really don't want to be "playing God" and I was concerned that fertility treatments may go there. So far, I am okay and I think that I have enough strength to tell the doctors no if they suggest something I am not comfortable with. So, yes, we are pursuing adoption and yes I am doing fertility treatments and I know that we could end up with all of our kids at once and I am okay with that if that is what God wants for us. He won't give me more than I can handle, so I've decided he knows I can handle more than I think I can. I don't plan on updating the blog every month as far as the meds I am on and where I am in the cycle. When we get pregnant (and I fully believe that is God's plan, the timing is what is up in the air), and I feel that we can safely share that information on here I may share what we did during that cycle. I may share later in the week the emotional side of this journey and the things I've struggled with over these almost 3 years. Let me end by saying, I don't see the end and I don't know how all of this will transpire, but I do know that my God is faithful and is perfectly planning our lives for us. Actually, he planned this all before the creation of the world and now we will faithfully wait to see his plan.