Mommy

It is so surreal. I am really going to be a mommy. It really hasn't sunk in. Through this journey there have been multiple times when I would see the e-mail broadcast of kids from our adoption coordinator and wish and dream. We would submit for them and move on like we were told to do. But in the back of my mind I would plan and wish and dream and hope they would be ours. I always felt kinda foolish for all the plans I made for kids that we will never meet. I never really told anyone about my plans, but those wheels in my head were definitely turning. So I have learned to be reserved and cautious as we move forward one step at a time. I was protecting myself, or trying to. I didn't think I could endure one more let down, another disappointment. So we find ourselves in a situation where the only reason we won't get these kids is if we decide they aren't a good fit. And yet I can't go for it with total abandon, but I am hesitant to call them our kids. To say something that has the possibility (no matter how slight) of not being true. Maybe once I cry my way through their file it will be real to me. I have a list a mile long of things I'd like to get done with their rooms and other things that need to be done before they come to live with us. But I can't get in the groove to actually get anything done. Those kids deserve all of me, so please pray that I can give myself away wholeheartedly to them, for their cause. This is new territory for us and we need strength and wisdom to keep moving forward.

Never the Same

I hate spiritual hype. Experiences are great and excitement is good, but if the end result is the same as before the experience, it is a waste of emotion to me. I don't want to go to a great service and get all pumped up like at a pep rally if ultimately tomorrow I will be the same person. I want to experience God in all his fullness and leave changed. So this week our youth are at church camp and my prayer for them is "Never the same, Lord. Never the same in you." Great things can happen at church camp, but often there is so much hype, the "change" experienced is based on something that isn't real so when you return home, every thing is the same. Not this year. I am expecting God to change them in a way that is so real they will never be the same. Speaking of change, I have been undergoing a makeover of sorts myself. I don't know how many of you know me apart from this blog, but I am not the same person I used to be. Three years ago I unknowingly started a journey I never intended to walk on. But God knew all along that I needed it. I needed my faith to be tested. And I have learned with my heart, with the core of my being, all the things I knew in my head to be true of God. Faithful. Compassionate. Loving. Provider. Friend. Father. And the journey isn't over yet. He is stretching me in ways I never wanted to be and I'm loving every moment of it. God is just so good. And in case you don't follow me or B.J on facebook, today we were selected to adopt a sibling group of three kids. Honestly, I am in shock. It's just been so long waiting, it's hard to believe now that we finally see what God's plan is (or kinda understand a piece of his plan anyways). And at the same time I am not surprised. Because I know my God, I kinda saw this coming. In November I really thought these were our kids, so we submitted for them and never heard anything back. It was okay. They were the first kids that really seemed to fit what we wanted for our family. And then in the spring we got involved with foster kids who we hoped to adopt and that didn't pan out. But God was teaching us. He was letting us get some experience with kids with similar needs as ours, we just didn't know it. And God brings everything full circle by bringing our kids back to us. It's a story of completion and redemption, showing me that He knows exactly what He is doing. (Why do we ever doubt him?) Now the only thing between us and our kids is us. In the next couple of weeks, we will get to see their files which contain everything CPS knows about our kids and their case. Honestly, there is not much that we can read about these kids that will deter us from adopting them. I can't speak for B.J. but I KNOW this is right where we are supposed to be. I asked Mala what happened between when we first submitted for these kids and when we got the broadcast again in late July and why it seemed like they were just hanging in the system for six months. Before she told me the details, she said, "Because they are your kids." Yeah, I don't care what the details are or how someone wants to explain it away. I call it God. And He is faithful!

7, 6, & 4, oh my!

We found out yesterday that we made it to staffing for another set of siblings, three of them. These are the kids we first submitted for in November of 2010. We never heard about them and put them in the back of our minds and hearts and moved forward. They are also the kids we got another broadcast of right after D&N moved into their uncles. So maybe these are the kids we were supposed to have all along. And maybe not. I don't know and I am totally okay with that. This week I feel like I have had a major spiritual breakthrough. It kinda started when the doctor found absolutely nothing in my surgery last week. Nothing. He said everything was perfect. And I remember getting prayed for very early on in our struggle to conceive (about 5 months in) and the first thing she said was that there was nothing wrong with me or B.J. Now, I really trust this lady and I know that God speaks through her and to her. But I took it at face value and kept praying and waiting. This is what I usually do when God speaks through people because I know that 1)people miss God and 2) if it's really God, he'll confirm it to me. That is part of the reason it took me over 2 years to see a fertility specialist. Part of me really thought that it just wasn't God's time and yet part of me wanted answers. So fast forward...everything is perfect and I remember that God is in control and not me and it just isn't his time. God gave me Psalm 37 to stand on and I am in the process of memorizing it. The entire chapter is listed in the post below if you want to look at it. There are several things he has shown me. 1-"Do not fret" - This is used numerous times in this passage. But the part that stands out is that every time God says don't fret because of other people. The reason we worry is because we are looking at other people and not at God. We compare. We get jealous, envious of others when they get what we think we rightfully deserve. If we would just stop looking at everyone else and look to God, we wouldn't worry nearly as much. As far as how that applies to me, I am not everyone else. There used to be this poem my mom read to me that had a line that said something like "I am me and you are you. I don't smile or talk like you. I don't even walk like you. Because God made one of me, not two." I am not Jill. I love my sister to death, but we are not the same person and God's plan for her includes having a baby in 2 weeks (which I am pretty excited about). God's plan for me is different and that is okay. And I don't need to worry about it. Besides, I am only 28. It's not like I am in my late 30s trying to conceive. I am still young and when God gets good and ready and we have made it through the preparation time He is giving us, then we will conceive. Simple as that. 2 - "Trust" "Wait" - Yeah this is a pretty common theme of my blog posts so I won't go into it any further than to say that when I see these words my immediate response is "Yes, God. I know." 3 - "I have never seen the righteous forsaken." - God is not a god that promises and does not deliver or speaks and then forgets about His kids. He's just not that way. And now is not the time that he will start that. He has not forsaken me and has no plans of that happening in the future. I am not the exception. God will not, can not forsake me. 4 - "inherit the land" - This speaks of God fulfilling his word. Like the Israelites who finally after 40 years of preparation received the promised land of Canaan. Many times in this scripture there is direction and instruction from God and the result is that I will inherit the land. This is hope. Just because I am not stressed or worried about conceiving doesn't mean that I don't think it will happen some day. It will. But God has given me more promises than just that. And I know he will keep his word. It's just his way. I am choosing to enjoy the journey to wherever God is leading. I don't have a clue right now, and that is totally okay. When God wants me to know, he'll tell me. In the meantime, I will get as close to God as I can and I will keep doing the things he has called me to. Because his promises are more that what will happen one day, but they include strength and joy to make it day after day.

Psalm 37

¹ Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; ² for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. ⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: ⁶ He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. ⁹ For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. ¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace.

¹² The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; ¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming.

¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright. ¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts, and their bows will be broken.

¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked; ¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the LORD upholds the righteous.

¹⁸ The days of the blameless are known to the LORD, and their inheritance will endure forever. ¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

²⁰ But the wicked will perish: The LORD’s enemies will be like the beauty of the fields, they will vanish—vanish like smoke.

²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously; ²² those the LORD blesses will inherit the land, but those he curses will be cut off.

²³ If the LORD delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; ²⁴ though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

²⁵ I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. ²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.

²⁷ Turn from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever. ²⁸ For the LORD loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones.

They will be protected forever, but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off; ²⁹ the righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.

³⁰ The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. ³¹ The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip.

³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives; ³³ but the LORD will not leave them in their power or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

³⁴ Wait for the LORD and keep his way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man flourishing like a green tree in its native soil, ³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more; though I looked for him, he could not be found.

³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace. ³⁸ But all sinners will be destroyed; the future of the wicked will be cut off.

³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. ⁴⁰ The LORD helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.

Boy Room

Finally got around to getting the bed set up in our third bedroom for a boy. If you'll remember from this post, getting all of the bed was quite an ordeal. The rails were delivered while we were on vacation, so today my parents came over to put up our new kitchen light and set up the bed while they were here. I helped a little, but am really trying to be careful since I did just have surgery ya know. We are leaving the rooms pretty basic (bed & bedding but nothing else) until we actually have kids so we can adjust the rooms to fit them. So here's a pic of the boy room.

I also had a few special visitors today. Bethany and Alyssa came to visit and check on me and I managed to get a picture of that sweet girl.

She has really grown up and is coming out of her shell since I last watched her. We played with books and this kitchen/cooking set I have. We really should get together more often since they live only 6 houses down the road. I always say that and then it never happens. I guess I just have a lot going on right now.

Surgery Update

So the surgery went well today. It really wasn't a big deal at all. I convinced them to let me keep my contacts in (since I sleep in them anyway and am really blind without them), and was so happy I did. (Thanks Dondi for letting me know I could ask!) The IV didn't bother me at all as I kinda feared it would freak me out. (In the past I have been known to get squeamish and freak myself out to the point of fainting and/or vomiting. It is not pretty, and it's been a while so maybe I've outgrown it or just learned not to watch.) All the nurses and doctors were really nice. The anesthesiologist introduced himself as the one who was going to give me a nap. He was the much needed comic relief and made me feel comfortable and relax. Once he gave me anesthesia, they started rolling me down the hall and I remember saying, "This stuff works fast" as I was starting to get dizzy already. And the next thing I remember is waking up in recovery. I was shivering and my throat hurt from the tube. Those heated blankets are wonderful! I need a blanket warmer at home (oh, I guess that would be a drier. duh!). My mom and BJ came back shortly and told me Dr. Le said everything looked perfect. He said now he is comfortable being more aggressive with the meds for the next cycles. That is good and bad at the same time. I really wanted them to find something, so it could be fixed, but I am thankful nothing needed to be done because that means my recovery will probably be easier. All day I pretty much laid in bed reading and playing on my phone. I was able to sleep from about 1 -6 off and on, but was really unable to eat anything as sitting up made me nauseous, or cramp or a combination of the two. The weirdest thing is that I have shoulder pain. Apparently the gas they put in me to be able to separate the organs easily causes shoulder pain after the fact. I think its funny that I had pelvic surgery and have shoulder pain. That is going to be fun to explain in the next few days. :) So about 9, after laying in bed trying to solve the boredom for 3 hours or so I tried to get up again and eat something. I am now on the couch, watching TV, and playing on the computer. I am feeling better than I have felt yet, so hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow a new woman. I am eating pickles and may pop some popcorn. I know it isn't the healthiest choice, but at this point I am eating anything I can that sounds good because I am starving. I haven't eaten really since last night. Tomorrow I get to take off the band aids and get a shower. I am really curious to see how small the incisions are. I guess when you have never had surgery, everything is interesting to you. :) Today we submitted our home study for another sibling group. They are 3 and 2 and the oldest is a girl, youngest a boy. They have birthdays soon in the fall so they will both be the oldest kids in their grade levels at school. They are both classified as basic. (All kids come into the system as basic and then over time based on foster parent and therapist observation, can get moved to higher levels such as moderate or therapeutic as determined by their physical, mental, and emotional needs.) From the small amount of information we know, my only hesitation comes from the fact they are only 13 months apart. Once again, just putting ourselves out there and waiting to see if it's God's kids for us. And God is able to provide what we need to meet the needs of these kids if this is his plan. On a separate note, read a really good blog by a friend today about giving up control to God. Although the circumstances are different, the sentiment is the same as mine has been, so I can definitely relate. You may enjoy reading her perspective here.

It's Just Not His Time

So we didn't get selected for the kids. And we are okay with it (not that there really is any other option. I guess we could pout and throw a fit, but that is just not us as this stage of the game.) After talking with the Mala and Heather, these particular kids were going to be a lot to handle. I know that all kids are a lot to handle, and we could have handled it I'm sure, but it just wasn't what God has for us. I think watching D & N made me stronger and there is a lot more that I can handle than what I previously thought. Certain diagnosis don't scare me like they used to. I've seen kids from tough places who have been through horrendous things and what love, prayer, consistency, and therapy can do for them. A lot. Those kids are not hopeless. I have surgery tomorrow at 10am. I am having a laparoscopy done. My doctor decided we had done all we could with clomid (without further damage to the lining of my uterus) and wants to do this surgery tomorrow. Basically they go in through a small incision with a camera and look inside my pelvis to see what is going on. He is looking for cysts, fibroids, endometriosis and anything else that may be causing problems in there. If he sees anything and he thinks removing it will further our chances for conceiving, he will remove it. I'm not sure if I want him to find something so it can be taken care of or not find anything. I guess I'd rather know something as long as it is fixable and know nothing if it is a death sentence. Am I high maintenance or what? I have never had surgery so I am a little nervous. I will be totally under, which I am totally okay with, once they get me there. It is during the "getting there" that I am trying to not freak myself out. Let me tell you that when I do get pregnant (and I will), all the things I have feared about hospitals and needles and IVs and all the other normal stuff will be a piece of cake. I guess I am getting experience I never knew I needed. :) So, yeah, I really didn't want to get to the place where we needed to do surgery to see what's going on. We have the money to pay for it all, but it isn't exactly my first choice in use of these funds. I really never thought I would be where I am, but guess what? I am so I choose to make the best of it (if that is possible when you are dealing with undiagnosed infertility issues). So if you think about it tomorrow, say a little prayer for me. For the doctors. For the discovery. For the recovery. For peace while the rain is pouring because that is exactly how I feel right now. On a side note, kinda, I read this blog today and loved how she described what God being faithful does not mean. Yep, I can totally relate to this today. I'll try to update as to what they find or don't find sometime this weekend...when I feel up to it.

Holy Kids Batman

Just a short post to update you on adoption happenings. Today we received an e-mail from our adoption coordinator letting us know that we had made it to the staffing for a set of siblings. For you people not in the whole adoption world, this means we were selected as one of the 3-5 families that would be considered for a group of siblings. This is the first time we have made it to this point in the process, so we are excited. The kicker is that our adoption coordinator submitted us for these kids without us even knowing about the kids or asking her to. Before you let that freak you out, the kids are a really good fit for us (based on what we know about them) and we can always say no at any point in the process before the adoption is final. Based on my observation only, it appears that a decision had to be made very quickly on her part and she probably figured it was better to submit us and nothing come of it than to not submit us when we could be these kids' potential forever family. The kids are 5 and 3 and the oldest is a girl and the youngest a boy. So please don't stop praying. Yes, the circumstances are changing all the time, but the prayer is the same, "God, please let your will be done in this situation." We believe that as we are obedient and available He will have His will in our family.

Vacation in Colorado

As I said in the previous post, we just got back from vacation on Friday and really had a good relaxing time. Let me start by saying we are lazy vacationers. We plan maybe one thing per day (if we aren't visiting family) and plan to sleep in and generally relax. Some of you may be thinking that is the way vacation is, but you haven't vacationed with my dad. He doesn't like to waste a single minute and we were always running here and there the entire time when I was growing up. For example, in one weeks time we did San Francisco, California beaches (Morrow Bay area), visited family, drove up Hwy 1 ( I was able to skip this) and go to the East side of CA to visit Yosemite National Park. Ridiculous! So we have chosen to be lazy vacationers and do a few things, but generally spend our time relaxing.

We decided to go to Colorado for vacation because my family was having a big 60th Wedding Anniversary celebration for my Grandparents. While all the family was there, we generally visited and hung out with them since we don't see them very often. After every one else left on Monday and Tuesday, my grandparents took us up to Trail Ridge further into the mountains. Besides that we played games and visited.

On the way home, BJ and I went white water rafting and zip-lining in southern Colorado. Look at those rapids and clouds. Beautiful!

It was a lot of fun even though we were both apprehensive of the rafting. I had been zip-lining before in Cozumel so I was excited, but BJ was nervous. This half day white water rafting, half day zip-lining trip was a compromise between BJ and I, but I think we both enjoyed both activities. We were in the back of our raft, one on the left and one on the right. (The guide had us switch mid ride probably to even out the strength on both sides, so which side each of us is on changes.)

We were in a group of three rafts and for the most part, we were the middle boat. It was exciting and oh so much fun! The most exciting part was when the raft in front of us lost three passengers and paddles in a rapid and we did a rescue mission. We picked up one person and one paddle out of the rapids and the third boat did the same. It wasn't nearly as bad since we were on a milder rapid, but it was still an adventure. We will definitely be rafting again, maybe on a river with more or stronger rapids. Heidi, our guide, said the main difference as far as levels is how close the rapids are together. Generally on the harder trips, there is less time to recover between rapids so if there is a rescue situation, it is more serious. After we got back from rafting, we grabbed a quick lunch and then it was off to ziplining. BJ was pretty nervous about this.

After he made the first step off of the platform, he learned that it is a lot of fun and not nearly as scary as he thought. You'll have to know that BJ is not much of an adrenaline junky (as opposed to me) so I am thrilled we both enjoy something that is slightly adventurous. He won't ride roller coasters with me (or most of the them anyway) so theme parks are not an option for us until we have kids who I can convince to ride the fun rides with me. BJ and I kinda have a running joke as to what activity we will plan our vacations around. So now the list has been expanded to include para-sailing (for me), white water rafting, and zip-lining. I guess once we have kids we will plan the family vacations around them and what they would enjoy doing, but until then, we will plan around fun adventures. Overall, we had a blast and enjoyed our much needed vacation from all the emotional toil we've been going through. Back to grind tomorrow. I am praying I have the desire to actually get some work done. Coming back from vacation is hard sometimes, but we all have to do it. :)

And We're Marching...

We just got back from a relaxing and fun vacation in Colorado. I plan to post pictures of that, but will do that in a separate post. Onto the meat of the matter. They're gone. The kids we had hopes of adopting have been placed with an uncle. Even though we only had them for 6 weekends over the past 4 months, we love them so much. And ultimately we want what is best for them. I won't debate whether this is the best option for them as it wasn't my decision to be made, and quite honestly, my opinion doesn't matter. Yes, we were crushed when we learned things were moving in this direction because we really thought they were meant to be our kids. But I have been saying from the beginning that we only want the kids God has for us and his perfect will and not what I think is the perfect option. Once again, my opinion counts for nothing because God is the one in control. We are okay, really we are. Yes I am going to miss their smiling faces and will think of and pray for them often, but it was good for us to get this experience. To realize we can handle this with God's help. I am not in over my head. And so I feel like the Israelite children, wandering in the desert, looking for the land God has promised. Learning how to trust and depend solely on God and not my experience or intuition. Learning to wait well. Learning patience and surrender. Hopefully we won't be wandering for 40 years (in a somewhat aimless direction) as the Israelites did. (ha!ha!) Looking back, I think God allowed me this time so I would have a glimmer of hope breaking through the clouds of hopelessness I have been living under. (I am not saying that all moments of my life are gloomy, but we have been in a time of waiting when there is no end in sight and it can get kinda dark under here.) I know God was giving me a smile and joy in the middle of the storm. When my sister came to visit in May, I am pretty sure it would have been totally unbearable to see her pregnant and participate in all the baby shower festivities without the distraction of my kids. So I am thankful for the experiences we shared with them and wouldn't take back a single day, even if I knew they would ultimately be placed with family and not us. So we consider them our first kids and will never forget them. I hope that we are able to somehow keep in touch with them if only through being able to send birthday cards every year. I am not sure if this is even possible or an option. I am willing to let go, but want them to know that they aren't forgotten if they ever feel like they need to be able to reach out to someone. When one door closes another one opens. Just as we were getting this devastating news, we were sent a profile of some kids we have seen before. It is the first set of siblings we applied for in November. We are submitting for them again, and keeping our eyes open to see what God has for us. And we're marching forward to God's perfect will for our family.