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Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

By: Matthew West

It's been a rough few days. I've been stressed and just overall a mess. And God brings this song to me. To remind me that I am not forgotten, not overlooked or just another face in the crowd.  He is creator God and yet chooses to love me more, always and forever, through the joy and the pain, even when I'm a mess.

And it feels good to be loved.

Time to Fight

We live in a world where people try to do everything alone and really don't want everyone knowing what is going on.  As a Christian, I find it hard to balance between being compassionate and caring and "bearing each others burdens" and sticking my nose where it doesn't belong.  So I tend to err on the side of caution to avoid getting yelled at and in turn appear apathetic and like a snob.

But I'm not doing it any more. I believe that as Christians we have used this "mind your own business" mentality as an excuse to do nothing far to long.  We have let our brothers and sisters in Christ hurt and be hurt, build walls around themselves, and slowly drift away while we are too self absorbed, or scared to interfere and so we watch idly by.

But its time to fight. I don't have to know the details to be able to bring them before my Father and fight for the restoration of their souls.  For healing where there is pain.  For wisdom in difficult situations. For strength to endure despite the devil's efforts to steal everything God has given. So today, I choose to fight. Not for myself, but for those who are too weak to fight, who don't think they can make it through.

And I can do it on my knees without them ever knowing.

Kid Dedication

On Sunday, July 18th, our kids were dedicated to the Lord.  We were not allowed for our kids to participate in any "religious ceremony" until the adoption was final, so as soon as the adoption was finalized, and we were back from vacation and moved in to our new house, we scheduled the dedication.

Both sets of grandparents were able to be there. Our Pastor charged our family to raise our children in the way of the Lord and then prayed over each of the children. It was a very special day for our family.

P.S. My face is all red because I was crying.  I am even more emotional than usual these days, and if you know me, you know that means I'm a basketcase.

P.P.S. Isn't amazing how much different the kids look even since the family pic was taken in early December? They have grown up so much already.

Spotlight

I have been reading Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind Devotional in the mornings while the kids are getting ready for the day.  This morning, I felt like God through her shined a spotlight on me.  Not exactly how I wanted to start the day since I haven't really had time to process or deal with anything, but only to realize something needs to be done.

I don't even remember what the main topic of the devotion was.  Seems like God speaks to me in the minor details and not always in the main topics.  Anyways, I realized this morning the reason I am so critical of those I love is because I am first critical of myself. If I gave myself more grace, I would probably be more likely to hand out grace to others.  But I don't.  If I can't live up to my own expectations, how on earth can anyone else even come close?

So I left my devotion this morning feeling like a failure. Not because God sees me that way, but because I see myself that way.  If I'm not failing my kids by overreacting to things that don't matter or letting my temper get the best of me, it's my husband.  None of them did anything.  It's all my fault.  I hate the person I am when I am critical and yet, this is where I am right now.

I've been in this place before. A lot.  It seems like I take myself back here every month or so to beat myself up, knowing the whole time it's the devil's way to get to me.  And yet I allow it. 

Maybe I'm just overemotional right now since my hormones are way out of wack.

Or maybe the devil is attacking because he knows I'm weak right now.

Or maybe I'm doing this all to myself.

I really want to just be by myself so I can cry this all out and move on with the day.  But I have to go on and deal with this later, when I have time, and when I am able.

I'm tired of being this way, but I often feel like I am in a rut and don't really know how to go on from here.  I do know that tonight I will be apologizing to my husband and my kids. And praying God shows me where to go from here. Because being here is lonely.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. II Corinthians 12:9

23w1d

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 23 Weeks 1 Day

Size of baby: more than 11 inches long and weighs just over a pound, about the size of a large mango

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gained 8.5 pounds as of my last doctors appointment at 21 weeks 3 days. I'm starting to gain the normal one pound per week.  My doctor hasn't said anything about my weight, so I'll assume its fine (not too little or too much). I am trying to not use pregnancy as an excuse to eat everything in sight and gain excess weight so I can be back to my normal size quickly after Seth is born.

Maternity Clothes: Mostly maternity clothes and one or two size up clothes that aren't maternity with my belly band.

Gender: Boy, Seth Edward Fowler

Movement: At my last doctor's appointment, he said I'd be feeling movement soon and boy, was he right. 2 days later I felt Seth kick for the first time, or I think I did.  Since then, I've felt him at least once a day.  I don't think its obvious enough for someone on the outside to feel  or see yet, but maybe soon BJ will be able to feel him.

Sleep: I am sleeping normally most nights.  I have been able to get comfortable sleeping on either the right or left side most of the time.

What I miss: bending over comfortably and cute high heels

Cravings: None.  Also, no consistent food aversions, but on occasion something will smell or sound horrible.  It depends on the moment

Symptoms: being generally uncomfortable, back pain, frequent potty breaks

Best moment this week: Getting Seth's bedding and crib. Now just to get the crib put together in his room.

In a couple of weeks I have my gestational diabetes testing and I'm getting my thyroid levels retested.  Don't know if I've posted on here or not, but last year when I was doing fertility treatments, I was diagnosed with borderline hyperthyroidism, so I've been taking a thyroid supplement.  That has to be monitored during pregnancy because it can cause miscarriage early and other complications.  Last time it was tested, I was borderline high (which really means I am on the verge of not needing the supplement at all) but they have been keeping me on the supplement because of the risk if my thyroid is too low during pregnancy.  Not really looking forward to the testing, but ready to get it done really.  I've heard the good the bad and the ugly about it, so just ready to cross another hurdle. 

I don't really want the pregnancy to end but I'm quickly learning this is going way too fast.  I think I'll miss this.  It is such a blessing to be in a place I cried countless hours hoping for, praying for, and to see God bringing this to pass for me.  Because he loves me.  I really don't know if we'll have any more kids, but if I only get to experience this once, I think I'll be sad about that.  This has been relatively easy for me and I'm grateful. I'd love to do this again, but we'll have to decide if that's really what God wants for us and our family.

Season

So let's face it. As much as we wish we didn't compare ourselves to others or have those "why not me, God?" moments, we do. Or at least I do.  God has recently started me on a study of Psalms in my devotion time each day.

Psalm 1:3 "That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers."

When you honor God and choose to live for him (moving past the way of sinners and onto what God wants as described in verses 1-2) God makes you be established and planted by the place of spiritual nourishment and it produces fruit in you.  And in season, God's season, not yours, you will see fruit produced in your life.  I think where I get tripped up is I expect to see fruit or results of my labors now and not later.  And I expect the results of my faithfulness to look the same as how God is blessing and using others.  So even if there is fruit, I don't necessarily see it because I am looking in the wrong places. When will I ever learn that God isn't overlooking me, but waiting for my season. Or maybe God's ways aren't mine and the fruit is unrecognizable to me.


God, help me to see what you are doing.  You know I need some proof that I'm pleasing you and that I'm making the right choices.  And it's hard to keep walking, keep doing, without seeing but a glimpse of what you see in me and what you have for me. I'm waiting for my season.

I'm a Survivor!

That's right, I have made it through the craziest week in my life and I survived. (You all know as soon as I label a week the whatever-est you know another one's coming.)  This morning as we were going through our new morning routine with the kids I took a second and a deep breath and realized, we made it.  Life is good and God is greater! 

If you know me, you know my hobby is to stress.  I don't like the person I am when I am stressed and yet it has become such a part of who I am I almost don't know what to do with myself if I am not planning/doing/being busy about something.

Goodness, I need a new hobby.

So I do believe a change of perspective is in order.

Because I am no fun to be around lately.  I gripe and I complain, especially if you happen to be one of the people I am closest to.  I'm sure you've heard it all.  I try to be gracious or just say nothing most of the time, but at home, it just all comes out.  So I'm sure BJ and the kids have received most of the effects of all my stress. 

You may not see that side of me, but believe me it is there.  Because that's where I'm weakest and that's where the devil knows to attack me the hardest and that's where I fail.

But by the grace of God, today is a new day and I don't have to be who I once was.

There is a passage of scripture I love that always reminds me that I don't have to be like I was yesterday, or even 5 minutes ago.  I can choose to let God change me and be who he wants and not who my sinful nature turns me into.

I Corinthians 6:9-11
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the selfish, rude, ones who tear others down, who can't be quiet when they should, who complain and gripe and live angry, who judge and criticize instead of support and uplife  will inherit the kingdom of God.


And that is what some of you WERE. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

I like to substitute the areas in italics for the way I behave and the things I've done and am not proud of.  It is scriptural that God desires more for me and living like this is not God's way, it just isn't in this passage.  

Because I can choose to be those things or trust God's word that he can give me a new start and that I can be different, because he has washed me and he forgives me, and I don't have to be that person any more.

On to better days in His strength. Because I've proven time and again I can't do it by myself.

The New Normal

These past few weeks have been down right crazy.  No, everything is still not unpacked and there are some minor things that still need taken care of, but for the most part, our whirlwind is over and we are settling into the new normal here at the Fowler abode.

I went back to work yesterday after vacation and then the holidays.  Not that I like getting up early, but its been nice to get into a routine with the kids again.  Starting next week, they will be at the YMCA for 4 weeks, then three weeks with alternating grand parents, and then school starts.

We are loving our new house.  And our calves are in top shape thanks to the stairs.  The main things left downstairs is putting up the china in the china cabinet and getting things on the walls.  They look so bare after they were so full before the move.

Life has been so much easier since the adoption, but I think it's mostly mental.  We don't have anyone looking over our shoulders anymore and we don't have to report to everyone, so it just seems more like a normal family with normal kids and not the constant supervision.

I am now 21 weeks pregnant and doing really well.  We are over the half way mark and it feels good.  I think I read too many blogs, but I was at least a little worried that we would lose this baby, but things seem to be going well and normal for us.  I like normal.  Normal is good. I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday.

Ok, now for a few catchup preggo pics.

18 Weeks

21 Weeks

 I am definitely looking pregnant and even got asked at the gym this morning how far along I was.  Sounds like progress to me.  The last few times I've went to the gym I was sure I just looked fat and not pregnant. I think this picture shows how tired I am.  But getting back to a routine will help I think. I haven't felt the baby move yet, but I don't know what it feels like since this is my first pregnancy.  My doctor doesn't count flutters and he says I'll know when the child kicks me.

Speaking of which, we have a name.  He is name is Seth Edward Fowler. It was set for a while before we found out what we were having, I just wasn't sure I wanted to share because I've heard how ruthless people can be.  Most people don't say anything when I tell them, and that's fine.  This isn't their child so their opinion really makes no difference to me.  Daniel (hey I actually got to write his name out since the adoption is final) says he is going to call the baby Bopper, but I think he's just being silly, which is pretty normal for him.


I am looking forward to being at church tomorrow. We haven't been in two weeks between vacation and then the 4th of July holiday this past Wednesday.