Spotlight

I have been reading Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind Devotional in the mornings while the kids are getting ready for the day.  This morning, I felt like God through her shined a spotlight on me.  Not exactly how I wanted to start the day since I haven't really had time to process or deal with anything, but only to realize something needs to be done.

I don't even remember what the main topic of the devotion was.  Seems like God speaks to me in the minor details and not always in the main topics.  Anyways, I realized this morning the reason I am so critical of those I love is because I am first critical of myself. If I gave myself more grace, I would probably be more likely to hand out grace to others.  But I don't.  If I can't live up to my own expectations, how on earth can anyone else even come close?

So I left my devotion this morning feeling like a failure. Not because God sees me that way, but because I see myself that way.  If I'm not failing my kids by overreacting to things that don't matter or letting my temper get the best of me, it's my husband.  None of them did anything.  It's all my fault.  I hate the person I am when I am critical and yet, this is where I am right now.

I've been in this place before. A lot.  It seems like I take myself back here every month or so to beat myself up, knowing the whole time it's the devil's way to get to me.  And yet I allow it. 

Maybe I'm just overemotional right now since my hormones are way out of wack.

Or maybe the devil is attacking because he knows I'm weak right now.

Or maybe I'm doing this all to myself.

I really want to just be by myself so I can cry this all out and move on with the day.  But I have to go on and deal with this later, when I have time, and when I am able.

I'm tired of being this way, but I often feel like I am in a rut and don't really know how to go on from here.  I do know that tonight I will be apologizing to my husband and my kids. And praying God shows me where to go from here. Because being here is lonely.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. II Corinthians 12:9