Being Martha

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” ⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

I am a planner and an organizer and that is how God made me. And I totally understand why Martha was upset at her sister. Because I am the one who is often behind the scenes, facilitating worship, at the piano, and doing what I feel is my part in ministry. But I struggle when I reach a crossroads and have to choose between being a facilitator and a participant.

There have been many invitations for special prayer or even just to come forward and worship that I have not responded to but would have if I wasn't where I feel like God has placed me. So I struggle to determine what is more important. To set the atmosphere so others can worship and receive from God, or to sit at the Lord's feet myself. 

And clearly, if I am indeed Martha in the above passage, I continue to make the lesser choice.  It should be simple, but I struggle.

Maybe its more of a pride issue. Because if I do stop playing the piano, everyone will notice, and everyone will see me and I just want to be like everyone else.

Or maybe it's my aversion to hype and emotionalism. I am all for God speaking to me, but I've learned that I don't need a big emotional event to hear God and quite honestly, he can and does speak directly to me without the fanfare. And his sweet presence and love can come to me so awesomely without anyone ever speaking into my life or praying for me at all.

Whatever it is, I have concluded they are all excuses for my disobedience. Because I can justify my actions until I am blue in the face with really good legit reasons that would persuade anyone I made the right choice. Except for the one who sees me and made me and knows me and knows I struggle. He is the only one I should be worried about, but I let all the rest consume me.

Ughh. I want so badly to hear God clearly and respond in obedience quickly, before I can rationalize away my inaction. But my feet never move from my place of comfort. Sure, I feel God's presence where I am at, but what would happen if I just got beside myself and my pride and simply responded in faith, knowing that God would meet me there?

And my disobedience has hurt me more than I will ever fully understand. I guess I just want someone to give me permission to leave my position as Martha and allow me to be Mary. There I go, wanting man's approval again. I guess I just really don't know what is best, even though the scripture seems so clear.

Because I know that Martha's are so important to God's kingdom. They are the reason so many can respond when God calls and can receive from him. After all, God made me to be a Martha, so surely he understands my dilemma.

God, help me to be a Mary. To sit at your feet and receive from you. Regardless of what other things I feel at the moment are so important. Regardless of my fear of other's opinions of me. Give me the courage to step out from what is my normal in order to be closer to you. Because that is really what I want. From the core of who I am. Just to be close to you. To feel your heart beat. And your loving arms holding me.