25W6D

How Far Along: 25 Weeks 6 Days
Size of the Baby: About 14 inches long, and 1 2/3 lbs, the size of a scallion.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: 9 pounds gained total
Maternity Clothes: Yes. On occasion I can wear a non-maternity top if it's a less fitted style, but pants are limited to either maternity or loose like lounge/pajama pants.
Gender:GIRL~ Julia Renee.Excited to have a baby girl coming. This week I got all the clothes out that my sister loaned/gave us for newborn through 3 months, and I feel like if I had to be, I could be pretty much set. I am sure she will get other things, even if just from the grandparents (especially BJ's mom) but I really think she'd be okay without that.
Movement: All the time. She is quite a mover and shaker. It's hard to compare to Seth because he was so low and at the time I had nothing to compare his movement to. Either way feeling her move is a reminder of God's goodness and that we will meet her in about  months.
What I Miss Most: My clothes. I have quite a variety when I'm not pregnant, but am more limited in my maternity clothes section. Also, I miss being able to go without getting short winded or using more effort. Oh, yeah and crossing my legs. I do this without thinking all the time and then realize I can't really do that comfortably for very long.
Cravings: None really. I can eat whatever I want (except for the fact that someone is monitoring my weight, which makes me more aware not to overeat).
Symptoms: Tired, full faster, shortness of breath (especially when singing), just feeling big in general.
Best Moment of the week: Planning out the next month. I love seeing progress! I have another sonogram in 3 weeks, OB appointment in 4 weeks and then I start seeing him every 2 weeks. Only 14 more weeks to go. We are almost in the third trimester. Wohoo!

Today at Seth's doctor's appointment, I got my first "are you expecting?" from a stranger. Because I'm pretty small everywhere except my belly, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm pregnant and not just putting on weight.

I'm not sure that I will get around to blogging again, so let me quickly say that I am preaching on Sunday, so your prayers are appreciated. After I struggled most of the week to get it all together, this morning God started giving me some order and tieing up some loose ends so to speak. I am so excited to see what he does on Sunday!

Boys Room

The boys' room is completed. Everything is moved. The beds are up and we are ready for the first night of Seth in a twin bed. That makes him sound so big. And I guess he is.

The boys are already enjoying target practice with their Nerf guns in their room and matching clothes (which was totally accidental. Daniel got dressed and left the house and then I let Seth pick from all of his short sleeve shirts and he picked the matching shirt.)

He has also conquered the task of climbing the ladder to Daniel's bed although he can't get down by himself and he knows to ask for help. Kinda scares me a little, but he has a lot of practice trying to be a big boy and doing what the other kids do.  And he usually does better than I expect.

Seth's crib bedding is still in/around his crib because we haven't purchased Julia's bedding so there is no reason to get rid of/sell it yet. Soon enough.

Daniel's dresser went to Haley and Haley's dresser is moving to Katelynn as soon as she makes a place for it. Hopefully this weekend. That will make the entire dresser that Katelynn and Seth shared available for Julia's non hanging clothes and other baby items like blankets and such. I believe Julia will have more clothes at any one time, so this should work nicely.

I need to go buy some hangers so I can start getting the clothes Jill loaned me washed and put up for Julia. Maybe tomorrow I'll make a trip to wally world for some things that didn't get picked up.

We are enjoying our weekend as a family by getting some things done and just hanging out. All of us, including Daddy are off until Tuesday, which I think is a first (except for vacations and such).

Facebook and the Whole Picture

I have read countless blogs/post about how what we see of people's lives via facebook or their blog is not the whole picture. Some chalk it up to dishonesty or trying to impress others, but at least for me that is not the real issue.

I am a big fan of transparency and believe that we can help each other by sharing our faults and failures and what has and hasn't worked in our lives. And I am more than happy to share with you when I screw things up and God uses my failures to show me something, hoping someone else finds it helpful. But the line gets drawn when it comes to my kids. I am more than happy to share their successes via facebook or the blog because I want them to know I am proud of them and what they have accomplished. And I want others to share in that too.

However, as a parent, I am not going to hang up my kids' dirty laundry for the world to see. They expect me to protect them, to support them, and not set them up to be ridiculed or embarrassed. I would think this is why facebook/blogs don't paint the whole picture and make things appear better than they are. Not because we are being dishonest, but because our kids have a right to fail in private, to struggle personally and not publicly. If/when they want to share their struggles and subsequent successes, they are free to do that, but I am not making that call for them.

I admit that sometimes I share some of the struggles my kids face, in at least a vague sense so that you (and my family that doesn't live close to us) can know what's going on and pray, but I mostly keep it one sided from my perspective and how I am handling and dealing with the parenting side and leave a lot of the details out. I am very careful in what I share for these exact reasons.

Grace

Been thinking a lot about grace recently. Maybe it was spurred on by a blog or two. Maybe God is just directing my thoughts that direction. Maybe I'm realizing how guilty we all make ourselves feel because we aren't perfect or things don't go the way we dreamed and planned they would. And we are ashamed to admit we need someone or something else to survive these struggles which define our existence.

Either way, we all need grace. Instead of judging and condemning, God has to help us see others and ourselves with love and compassion. Help us realize our inabilities are a part of his plan and not an unnecessary detour we have subjected ourselves to because we didn't try hard enough. That by relying on Him we are moving closer to His will and not doing things the hard way, the less preferred method.

Maybe I'm just venting my thoughts and feelings and none of you go through this, but I can't tell you the number of times, even lately, I have felt less than because I'm not a perfect mom who always makes the perfect choice for each child with very different needs. That I have been disappointed in myself because I haven't always responded with grace and patience toward my children. That I've worried my moment of weakness and overreaction will forever taint my children's view of me, of the love of God that I should be teaching them by my life.

But by the grace of God I keep moving forward, knowing that even as I fail, he does not. That his love covers a multitude of sins. That he is still holding them in his hands, protecting them from the pain I may have caused by my actions. That he forgives me and will continue to speak to them and draw them to himself to fulfill his promises in their lives as well as mine. That there is no mistake I can make that will thwart his plans for them.

Lately, by the grace of God I have been able to slow down and respond in love, seeing my kids as my heavenly Father does. Maybe this is different for adopted kids (I honestly don't know), but I am not by nature compassionate towards them. So my natural tendency is to be frustrated with laziness, angered by irrational choices, and down right apathetic when they do things I view as stupid. I tend to give up when they can't do things the way I see as easy or normal. But God is using my kids to show me how he loves and helps us, even in our foolish and ignorant ways. He doesn't give up on us. He doesn't push us to the side when we don't listen or we argue with his methods. But he is patient with us and chooses to continue to help and guide us even when we stick our fingers in our ears and roll our eyes at him. So, by the grace of God I'm learning, striving to love them his way.

And I'm learning to not take it personally. Any of it. This is one of the things I remember from our many parenting/adoption classes. When kids act out or rebel against you or you feel like they are attacking you, it has very little to do with you and a lot to do with them. I would suppose this is more true of kids from hard places, but can be applied across the board in at least some way. Parenting is hard. Growing up is hard. Finding your way is hard. And usually kids are not as responsive to us and our methods as we wish they would be. They will fight. They will disagree. But all of that is a part of them growing up. I am not saying let your kids run all over you and stop guiding them, but stop taking every action as a personal attack because you aren't doing something perfectly. Guide them as God leads you and pray a lot.

In some parenting book I read this thought: As parents we are teaching our kids to please God, not us. Often times these are the same thing, but many times this is where picking your battles comes in. Yes,  I feel like I have some pretty good habits that I'd love my kids to pick up and carry with them, but whether they become people who love organization or not,  for example, is not the big issue I need to focus on. Do they love God? Are they learning to do what God wants? That is what's important.

God is changing me. Day by day, by his grace I am becoming who he has designed for me to be.

Turn It Around

For a while now (probably since about February) our Sunday School class has basically been non existent. We had 3 pretty regulars for a while and now they are working most weekends and we may have our class once a month. So when we don't have a class, we have chosen to attend the Sunday School class the meets in the sanctuary. This class used to be the Senior Adult class, but since no one wants to promote themselves from the adult class where you can drink coffee and eat breakfast to this class for senior saints, it has turned into kind of a hodge lodge people who chose to be in that class, who are not mostly seniors.

So today in Sunday School something was said that really struck me. Whenever the devil has a plan to attack, God is immediately working to frustrate him and turn it around for the good of his children. In that process we rarely see God moving because we are forced to face the devil head on, and yet God is turning things around. When we look back and reflect, we can see Gods hand through the entire struggle moving behind the scenes because that is what he does. Always turning what we experience as horrible and unfair into favor and blessings.

It's been a tough two weeks for a number of reasons, mainly because I feel that God is stretching me and growing me for what is next. Obviously, that doesn't make the devil happy. And he should be scared! I'm pretty stubborn and I don't give in easily. I may be down on occasion, but he would be stupid to count me out.

Every step I have determined to continue my morning devotions. Whether I have felt they were as beneficial as I have hoped or not. I have continued to study the Word as God leads and I'm feeling strengthened and revived.

Today at the second church service, God's presence just came and settled in such a sweet and powerful way.  And I left feeling new, strengthened and equipped for the upcoming struggles and tests.

I am scheduled to preach in the afternoon service on May 31st and really feel like I know what God wants me to share. I'm still listening to make sure I am following God and not my feelings, but I'm pretty sure, unless God changes it again. Which he is welcome to do. I am not on an ego trip but I just want to share truth from God's word to help others grow and be encouraged.

I am also leading worship on June 7th while my parents are out of town, so there are a couple of open doors coming up. I just want to be led by the Holy Spirit and I want God to have his way, so I'm seeking God for direction and am keeping myself always before him so I can follow how he leads.

Getting Ready

So we are making room for sweet Julia in our house. We have purchased some bunk beds in order to move Seth into Daniel's room. Also, we are moving the boys to smaller dressers we can keep in their closet to give them more space in their room.  Haley has decided she would like Daniel's bed from before as well as his dresser.

Friday night I started the transition by moving Daniel and Seth's clothes into the boys' closet.

This leaves the Julia's part of the girl's closet with only one little bluejean dress. For now. I actually have a lot of clothes my sister has passed down for me to store and use until/if they need them back for a third baby girl. I haven't even attempted to go through the smaller ones yet, but now that the dresser is empty and the closet has room, I may work on that memorial day weekend.

Step two was taking down Daniel's bed and moving it to Haley's room. His bed is the nicest of the kids, so I was either going to store it for later (because Julia will need a twin bed eventually) or see if Haley wanted it. Haley decided she wants Daniel's bed and his heavy dresser (which I replaced with smaller and cheaper modular storage that could go in the closet for Daniel and Seth). For the time being (probably until next weekend) Daniel will be sleeping on his mattress on the floor. We will be getting the twin beds probably early next weekend.

 

The only things left to do to complete the transition is 1) get Daniel's old dresser moved to Haley's room, 2) Determine whether to let Katelynn get Haley's old dresser or get rid of it (It isn't in the best condition and Katelynn currently has a 9 drawer dresser to share between her and baby), 3)Get the bunk beds and put them up, 4) Buy a mattress for Seth's bottom bunk, and 5)Transition Seth from the crib to the twin bunk.

I'm hoping to get everything transitioned before school gets out, leaving some time to let Seth control when he moves to the big bed. He seems excited when we talk about it, but he's two so his mood is subject to change at any moment. 

The other thing I'd like to do this summer is expand the closet in Katelynn and Julia's room. It is the smallest of the kids closets because I think her room was originally planned as a game room option (it's like 14 by 20) so the closet was an afterthought.

So excited to get this process started! This house is getting ready for family member number 7. We are only about 3 months away from her arrival!

Leaning

What a fellowship, what a joy divine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.
What a blessedness,what a peace is mine,
Leaning on the everlasting arms.

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms.
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Learning to lean, learning to lean.
I'm learning to lean on Jesus
I'm finding more power than I ever dreamed
I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Two different old songs about learning to trust God more.  I know that hymns are not scripture, but often times they contain solid truth and God uses them to speak to me.

These songs provide a list of the result of trusting in God: joy, blessedness, peace, safety, POWER.

Last Sunday I had a prophetic word spoken over me. It was about an anointing/calling God is entrusting me with. If that all feels weird to you, let me clarify by saying what God spoke did not come to me as a surprise. God had already been speaking some of the same things to me for months if not years, so I took it all as a confirmation from God. (I explain some of that because I am totally aware that just as there are real prophets there are also false prophets. It is not wisdom to change the course of your life or jump off a cliff so to speak based on what someone prophecies over you if it doesn't resonate with you and what you've already felt God speaking.)

One of the things that was spoken was that the power of God would be great in me. Getting back to the song, the power of God can be found in us when we learn to lean and trust in him. If I can't learn to lean, I can abandon my own calling and what God wants to do through me.

I just want God to do whatever he wants. I don't want to mess this up. So I have no choice but to learn to lean. It's hard for me (is trusting really ever easy?). So I will continue to come to the throne of grace and receive mercy to help me in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

The Attack

I was warned this was coming. That the devil would try and discourage me and attack me in the coming days/years.

When I got the phone call today from one of my kids who is again having a bad day and making bad choices, I first was frustrated. I try and try and they still ultimately have to decide to do the right thing. It's hard as a parent.The letting go part. The letting them take responsibility and fall part.

And God very quietly reminded me the attack is coming. And how better for the devil to attack me, then to hit me where I am weak. With my kids. Where I struggle the most. I can't tell you the number of times I've told others to watch their weak spots because that is where the devil will come. Looking for a foothold, looking for a way to distract and discourage. So I should have anticipated that the attack would involve my kids.

But this time, although I know I am weak, I also know He is strong. I know that He can handle them and give me wisdom to help them as best as I can, and to not take it personally when they disappoint me. My standards are high for myself as a parent, and as much as I don't vocalize most of those standards for my kids to them, my expectations for them are huge, probably almost impossible. I have had to come to terms with my expectations time and again and learn to let it go into the most capable hands in the world, the Father that loves them more than I do. And even though it may not all turn out as my fairytale world would, it will still be good and I'm okay with that.

So I cranked up my worship music, closed my door and found my safe place, my happy place, in my Father's arms to wait and rest until the storm passes over.

I will not be defeated. Because God can't lose and I choose to let him fight this one.

Not A Morning Person

I have always been a night owl, much more than a morning bird. BJ is the opposite. I'd much rather stay up late reading a book, watching a movie, than get up to do the same.

In my years serving God, I have sat through sermon after sermon about the benefits of starting your day off with God.  And I understand the point, really I do, but I usually justify my choice to do devotions at night by saying I have tried and have learned that I am just a night person and mornings just don't work for me. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have tried and failed at this. And I don't like to fail, so at some point, I have just adjusted to what works for me.

But due to the fact I am pregnant (read exhausted) and falling asleep during my devotions, or really struggle to stay awake at the end of the day, and because God has challenged me again in this, I got up this morning 45 minutes before normal and started my day with God. Honestly, it felt good, but there wasn't some instant, earth shattering, revelation or meeting with God, but it felt good. Right. Like I was doing what I needed to. And tomorrow I plan to do this again.

This time it feels different.  And I really think this new habit will stick. It takes 21 days to form a new habit, so praying for some extra grace to make it through the next few weeks.