Grace

Been thinking a lot about grace recently. Maybe it was spurred on by a blog or two. Maybe God is just directing my thoughts that direction. Maybe I'm realizing how guilty we all make ourselves feel because we aren't perfect or things don't go the way we dreamed and planned they would. And we are ashamed to admit we need someone or something else to survive these struggles which define our existence.

Either way, we all need grace. Instead of judging and condemning, God has to help us see others and ourselves with love and compassion. Help us realize our inabilities are a part of his plan and not an unnecessary detour we have subjected ourselves to because we didn't try hard enough. That by relying on Him we are moving closer to His will and not doing things the hard way, the less preferred method.

Maybe I'm just venting my thoughts and feelings and none of you go through this, but I can't tell you the number of times, even lately, I have felt less than because I'm not a perfect mom who always makes the perfect choice for each child with very different needs. That I have been disappointed in myself because I haven't always responded with grace and patience toward my children. That I've worried my moment of weakness and overreaction will forever taint my children's view of me, of the love of God that I should be teaching them by my life.

But by the grace of God I keep moving forward, knowing that even as I fail, he does not. That his love covers a multitude of sins. That he is still holding them in his hands, protecting them from the pain I may have caused by my actions. That he forgives me and will continue to speak to them and draw them to himself to fulfill his promises in their lives as well as mine. That there is no mistake I can make that will thwart his plans for them.

Lately, by the grace of God I have been able to slow down and respond in love, seeing my kids as my heavenly Father does. Maybe this is different for adopted kids (I honestly don't know), but I am not by nature compassionate towards them. So my natural tendency is to be frustrated with laziness, angered by irrational choices, and down right apathetic when they do things I view as stupid. I tend to give up when they can't do things the way I see as easy or normal. But God is using my kids to show me how he loves and helps us, even in our foolish and ignorant ways. He doesn't give up on us. He doesn't push us to the side when we don't listen or we argue with his methods. But he is patient with us and chooses to continue to help and guide us even when we stick our fingers in our ears and roll our eyes at him. So, by the grace of God I'm learning, striving to love them his way.

And I'm learning to not take it personally. Any of it. This is one of the things I remember from our many parenting/adoption classes. When kids act out or rebel against you or you feel like they are attacking you, it has very little to do with you and a lot to do with them. I would suppose this is more true of kids from hard places, but can be applied across the board in at least some way. Parenting is hard. Growing up is hard. Finding your way is hard. And usually kids are not as responsive to us and our methods as we wish they would be. They will fight. They will disagree. But all of that is a part of them growing up. I am not saying let your kids run all over you and stop guiding them, but stop taking every action as a personal attack because you aren't doing something perfectly. Guide them as God leads you and pray a lot.

In some parenting book I read this thought: As parents we are teaching our kids to please God, not us. Often times these are the same thing, but many times this is where picking your battles comes in. Yes,  I feel like I have some pretty good habits that I'd love my kids to pick up and carry with them, but whether they become people who love organization or not,  for example, is not the big issue I need to focus on. Do they love God? Are they learning to do what God wants? That is what's important.

God is changing me. Day by day, by his grace I am becoming who he has designed for me to be.