31 Days of Prayer for my Kids

The Nester started 31 days of change yesterday actually, so I am a little behind, but I decided to join even a day late.  I figured I could do anything for 31 days, right?  I know life is crazy, but my goal is to make it 31 days posting prayers for my kids on certain topics. So here it goes.

I am using this list, but there are plenty on the internet.  Please join me in praying for our kids.

Day 1 - Faith

When I think about faith and my kids, I think about where they came from. Their perspective on many things about life were learned from their birth parents or foster parents and have nothing to do with God.  Seeing them and the things they are having to unlearn and relearn to live life God's way makes me even more grateful for the Christian upbringing I had. Yes it's true that I know nothing different than serving God, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

For Haley 

God, I pray that you will give her faith to believe, not only that you are God and you are real and you are for her but also that you love her, no matter what.  Help her to know that even when it doesn't make sense, her faith in you will be her foundation, something to hold on when the world around her is confusing and constantly changing. Help her to know that doing all the right things will never fully please you unless she believes in you and puts her faith in all that you are and can be in her life.

For Daniel

God, help him to be able to believe in you and trust you fully.  I know he has learned from experience that people will fail him, so help him to see that you aren't just another person, but you are God and you will always keep your promises.  Help him to see the value in believing in you and living for you.  Let him make the connection between what he believes and how he lives.  That his faith should change the way he treats people and the love he has for others.

For Katelynn

God, I thank you for Katelynn's uninhibited love for and faith in you.  I thank you that you have protected her from some of the harms her siblings have had to endure. So help her to give herself fully to serving you.  Help her to share her faith with others in a way that expresses you are a God of love and not rules.  I know she doesn't understand everything and she doesn't always remember things correctly, but I pray that her love for you will motivate her to be concerned for those around her and to continue to share your love with them.

Compassion and Understanding

From the Dictionary of Sandra:

Compassion - Seeing people through eyes of love like Jesus does and caring enough to take time to help.

Understanding - Grasping the reason behind someone's actions or reactions. 

Two characteristics that I definitely lack and yet need so badly for the coming days and weeks. I tend to be less than compassionate to people when they don't see things like I do.  I think my patience has become even less with my hormones being all crazy lately.  And understanding goes right with that for me. Over the years I have become quite frustrated with people who won't do what I think they should. Who don't think like me or react like I do.  You would think by now I would have learned to show more grace and compassion, when I don't understand.  God is reminding me that understanding is not approval. God is not asking me to agree with what others do or the motivation behind their actions, but just to try and see things from their perspective and to be okay with people making different choices than I would and to love them anyway. This is so hard for me. I tend to be critical and judge and be impatient instead of showing grace and mercy like God would.

And so I am very aware that I have no choice but to rely on God to change that about me and to give me the compassion I need for the job ahead.

Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

The only way I know to become more like my God, full of mercy, grace and compassion, who doesn't get angry with me and my imperfections is to spend more time with him. And to realize I can't decide to be more compassionate or understanding or to change my natural tendencies.  I have to let God change me, and I have to always be aware that I need his strength to get to where he needs me to be.  

So lets consider this my homework project, my time of preparation, my focus for the time being. To gain God's compassion and understanding for the days ahead.

Preparation for the Path Ahead

Today's church service was really good.  I was having a good day generally, even though BJ and I did have a ton on our plates. I didn't even have a melt down (which happens often when I am last minute trying to get things done).  I was enjoying being in God's presence and tried to not worry too much about the kids. As most of you know, I play the piano at church and usually on Sunday mornings, I don't have to try to help lead worship and parent from the stage at the same time because the kids are in children's church.  Well, today, the one thing that I didn't remember was that there was no children's church because it was the last Sunday of the month. So I wasn't prepared to handle all of that emotionally.  It really drains me when I am trying to follow God's leading and need to pay attention to the kids and make sure they are worshiping as they should (which is a big deal to me) and not being distracting to others around them trying to worship. But today I chose to trust God that they would make good choices and do what they know we expect of them. And they did great! With each passing song, I felt like I could breathe a little more and just relax and really be able to worship.

And then God used someone to speak to me. Honestly, I was not expecting that at all. I don't know how you are, but sometimes when I'm having a rough day I kind of think God will send someone to me, but when things are going well I guess I just don't even think about it. But when she laid her hands on me, I KNEW it was God.  I don't think I've felt God's presence like that in a long time. And the words coming out of her mouth were confirmation after confirmation of that things I am going through right now. There were parts that were very forward looking and a kind of preparation of things to come and what God is taking me to in the future weeks and months.  I am embarking on a new twist in this Christian journey (not that the path is ever really straight) and I am a little apprehensive about where God is taking me.  Not because God ever takes me somewhere bad, but I have this stirring in my Spirit that things are going to be different.  Different is okay, but many days I just want to get there already.  While I draw closer to God and wait for the day to come, there is so much time for the devil to try and trip me up and he has definitely been trying.  Most of the time I am smarter than his schemes as I've learned a lot about how to stand in my Christian life, but other days I am tired and I am week and he wins, if even just a little bit.

And I am once again reminded that God knows what he's doing and he will provide the strength I need to be who he has called me to be and he will continue to provide all that I need in the days ahead.  Because He is God and this calling is his and it is his job to prepare me for what is ahead. So I choose to trust and not fear, lean more on him than myself, and keep walking down the road, one day, one step at a time.

32w2d

31 Weeks 1 Day

So the picture is a week or so old, but it is time for the prego update, seeing as I had a doctor's appointment today.

How Far Along: 32 Weeks 2 Days
Size of the Baby: about 2.5 to 3.8 pounds and measures about 15.2 to 16.7 inches, the size of a squash
Total Weight Gain/Loss: 16.3 pounds. Today I got the best patient award. Honestly, I think I am heavier than that, but I am really careful the day I know I am getting weighed.
Maternity Clothes: Yep
Gender: Boy, Seth Edward Fowler
Movement: All the time. I don't really keep track of how many times per day or hour right now, but he's moving around pretty regularly. B.J. was sitting next to me in our prepared childbirth class at the hospital and laughing at how much Seth was moving.  I got the idea he wasn't too fond of us talking about his entrance into the world. Or maybe he was just acting excited.
Sleep:  Depends on the day. I have good days and bad days. I am not feeling totally worn out at this point, so I guess I am getting decent sleep.
What I Miss Most: Cute heels, clothes that make me look skinny, not being weighed on a regular basis
Cravings: none
Symptoms: back/hip pain occasionally, feeling generally huge.
Best Moment of the week:Getting some things ordered for Seth including a Beco Butterfly II baby carrier and Seth's diaper bag. Also, we took our prepared child birth class and I feel as prepared as I can be. As always, getting things marked off the list of to-dos. makes me happy.

We have a couple of baby showers in the works and I am really looking forward to them.  Mainly because I am hoping to see some people I haven't in a while.  It's kinda sad that it takes a wedding, baby, or a funeral to get together, but that's just the way it is some times.

I also had very productive talks with all the kids' teachers tonight.  Things are turning around for all of them, at least it seems so.  So for now, I'll just keep praying and trusting God to help my kids adjust to the new normal. And for wisdom and I learn what this thing called parenting is all about.

VICTORY

God has been doing some amazing things in me.  It hasn't always been fun  because quite honestly, letting go and giving God control is down right scary for a control freak like me.  I like my little plans and I like to know what is going on and why.  But that isn't how God works.  He is God and I am not for a reason and so I have to learn to trust him even when my natural tendency is to hold on to my plan with every ounce in me.  I'm learning, it just isn't easy.

Last Sunday we had a time of worship in our second service unlike any I've been in before.  No music, no songs, no plan, just straight worship from the heart with a church full of people doing the same. I was doing well for about 10 minutes and then worship just started getting hard.  I ran out of things to say and it just got really hard.  Honestly, I felt guilty for how hard it was for me at that point, but I knew that was the devil attacking, so I pushed through that hurdle. And that's when God spoke to me.  

Quick rabbit trail - I am not one for emotionalism and hype when it comes to experiencing God.  There is nothing wrong with being prayed for by others or God using others to encourage me,  but my relationship with God is not based on if someone else prays for me or sees me or notices me in my struggles or not.  I don't need a cheerleader or pep rally, I need God. When God speaks to me and I feel his love and his encouragement, it reaches me in a deeper way (whether emotions are involved or not) than people.  That doesn't mean that if God wants you to speak to me that I am not receptive to that as well, just that my relationship with God is not dependent on that.

So I just love it when God speaks to me directly.  It reminds me that he understands me and knows me.

Nothing is too hard for God.

That's all God gave me. Simple as it may be, that one sentence packs a powerful punch.

I've been living in a week full of impossibilities. It has been such a struggle.  Because I hate failing. And I hate when I have no idea what I am supposed to do. And everything I know to do seems like wasted energy. (I'm sure my preggo hormones didn't make this easier on my emotions or everyone around me either.) But that's okay.  Because God's provision and ability to take care of me doesn't depend on my energy or my abilities but on his fully capable hands. So once again, I stand on God's word KNOWING that what appears like a mountain to me is nothing to God.  He is able and willing to take care of it.  I don't know when and I don't know how, but it isn't up to me. It is up to him. And he WILL take care of it. ALL of it.

And to confirm that I heard God right, this week's Sunday School lesson was about when God appeared to Abraham in Genesis 18 and said "Is anything to hard for the Lord?" Nope, nothing. Yeah, that's just how God works.

And there will be victory on the other side of this. God hasn't planned for me to live defeated but in victory. The victory the comes by the sacrifice of Jesus is for me and I plan to believe and live in victory, even if the situation stays the same, even if I'm not feeling it.  Because it is on the way and there is no way I will waste days or hours living defeated when my victory has already been purchased for me.

I Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Momma Duck

I just had this experience at Spaghetti Warehouse and it made me smile. So we are leaving the restaurant and I am leading the way as is normal.  I turn around to see my clan walking single file in age/height order hands behind their backs with Dad bringing up the rear.  I felt like a momma duck with her ducklings following close behind.  Or maybe it was like the Von Trapp family line up on the Sound of Music.  And all eyes seemed to be on us as we left, making our way through the restaurant and the crowd near the front door.  Maybe that was partly my imagination but it sure seemed like we had everyone's attention.

I got to the car and about died laughing. I wonder what everyone was thinking. It appeared that I planned it this way and had my kids so well behaved and disciplined.   The thought itself is laughable right now.  I wonder if they were thinking, "man, they have three kids AND she's pregnant. They are crazy!" Or maybe they weren't even looking.  Either way, it was good. Planned or not. I am the momma duck and I love it.

Just wish I had a picture for the record since this may very well never occur again. And I'm sure if I tried to plan it, it would turn out more like a 3 ring circus than a row of ducklings.

Tired and some other stuff

I can't really put into my words how I feel right now except tired.  Not really physically tired (but some of that too. I am 30.5 weeks pregnant ya know.). More mentally, emotionally, spiritually tired. This week has been trying in a lot of different ways. Parenting stuff mostly. I'm not airing my kids dirty laundry because that's not fair to them.  Maybe I wasn't ready to start another school year. I kinda feel like we are starting over again. The kids have been here for almost 11 months and yet it feels like concerning school we are at square one in some ways.  Yes, there are definitely some improvements, but not as much as I'd hoped.  I guess maybe I had too high of expectations.  I loved the idea the kids were getting a chance to start over at a new school with new friends and new teachers, but it hasn't exactly worked out as I hoped. Change is so normal to them, I guess they couldn't mentally change themselves and only know how to act like the new kid.  Anyways, I didn't mean to be so negative, but its been a rough couple of weeks.

Since Sunday I have been able to find my happy place, my peaceful place again in playing the piano and singing.  I really do love playing the piano and just worshiping God. It just puts me in a good mood and is a good de-stresser for me, which I definitely need right now.  There is just so much going on right now, as can be expected, that I just need my time to wind down with no kids, no work, no husbands, but just me and God and the piano and my day goes so much better.  I tend to let myself get too busy and I forget how much I need that time to chill.

Seth is gonna be here in a little over 2 months.  It is so hard to believe!  This pregnancy has just flown by without really any complications or issues and I am so grateful. I really can't even wrap my head around having a tiny baby in the house.  I've been so consumed with just living the day to day with the three kids I have, I haven't really let myself try to think about what its going to be like.  It'll be here before we know it.  And I am quite aware that I will never be fully prepared for this. Life is gonna change again. You'd think I'd be used to change by now, but quite honestly I'm ready for things to settle down.  But for now, it's just gonna get more crazy and more hectic before we find our new normal again.  So I am holding on tight and waiting for the ride to be over. One day at a time.