Full Circle

I have never really been one to look back at previous blogs and reflect, but just for the fun of it, I looked back at my last blog of 2010 just to see what I was thinking and what was going on.  In the end of that blog, which was quite random if I do say so myself, I reference a scripture that has been my verse over the past years as we have struggled with infertility and adoption.  

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

I usually study out of and speak out of the NIV, but another version has really grabbed my heart today. It reads as follows:

"The LORD your God is with you.   He is like a powerful soldier.   He will save you. He will show how much he loves you and how happy he is with you. He will laugh and be happy about you." Zephaniah 3:17 - ERV (Easy to Read Version)

A year ago, our lives were full of hopes but no concrete answers.  And I needed to be reminded that God loved me because sometimes I felt like I had somehow failed him and was being punished accordingly.  We felt like we were following where God was leading and yet, it seemed like we were getting no where. So I would go to this verse and read it again and again, trying to convince myself he was indeed proud of me and was working on our behalf. Trusting that he would continue to hold us during the time when we were so unsure as to what tomorrow held.

But now, only one year later, I can read this verse and smile.  Knowing God knew what he was doing and He was indeed strong enough to take care of us and our situation and he did provide for us. He was working out all the details and now I know that he loves us so much and is happy with us and the sacrifices we have made and are making to raise these kids to love him and serve him.  I was not foolish to believe God was leading us here and setting up the rest of our lives according to his perfect will for us.

So tonight, as we look forward to a new year and the future, we can stand assured knowing that God will be with us and will do what he promised and will bring us through the struggles in the waiting and into the fulfillment of his promises in our lives.

I expect 2012 to bring with it a new set of struggles and tests, but I am prepared to stand on God's unchanging word and live on my knees before my God who loves me and see what he has in store for us in the coming year.

Getting Back to Being Myself

I am sitting here at the computer while the kids and hubby are sleeping and I'm uploading pics to snapfish so I can order prints and get back in my scrapbooking groove.  And I'm loving it.  It feels good to get back to being myself.  No, I am not the same person I was 11 weeks ago when God saw fit to give us these three blessings, but I am starting to feel like I am back to normal. Yes, my free time is severely limited these days, but with the kids getting in a groove of sorts, I am pretty sure I can make some time to get some things scrapbooked and spend me time.  And I'm excited about the possibility. The kids are getting into painting these large color pages we got them for Christmas, and between that and all the other things they now have to entertain themselves, I am hoping to get 1-2 pages scrapbooked every weekend until I get some things caught up.  And if the kids want to use some of my stuff, and just be generally crafty, I am good with that.  Have you seen the amount of paper I have accumulated?  It is quite ridiculous if I do say so myself and I'm pretty sure D will gladly use some of it to create something, anything, he can dream up.  I will probably alternate working on my sister's wedding scrapbook I promised her 3 years ago when she got married (ouch!) and some pages of our days with the kids so far.  I know I am a few vacations behind, but if I can keep the kids stuff kinda current, I'm hoping to get to that older stuff some day. So I am ordering pictures of Jill's wedding and things we did with the kids so I'll have everything I need to be able to pick up and put down scrapbooking fairly easily, one page at a time.

And January is coming.  January is probably my busiest month of the year at work with all of the year end payroll I am in charge of.  I have ordered all the payroll forms and am actually excited to get into the meat of it and get it done.  I love me some payroll.  Really! I do!  I love being in charge of something that I am good at and I love the nitty gritty details of everything.  And I love the fact that no one else really loves it like I do so no one is threatening to take my payroll away.  Obviously, I have been away from a busy work schedule for a while now and am just ready to get my hands dirty and get it done.

I really think the part time schedule, combined with the days I've taken off of work around the holidays has really done me some good.  I haven't worked a 40 hour week in a while and I am ready to get back into it. One more week until all that starts though, since I am off until next Thursday with the kiddos. So next week will be filled with doctor's appointments and getting some thank you cards done as well as getting the kids back on a normal sleeping routine as we head into the second half of the school year. And maybe, just maybe, I can get the kids busy doing something and get some scrapbooking done.  

It's good to be back!

Just Another Thursday Night

The kids' therapist comes to our house every Thursday for their weekly sessions.  For the most part I just let her do her job and she talks to each kid privately and is working them through some issues.  I don't usually pry and trust that the therapist will tell us what we need to know and what we should help the kids with.

Tonight Mrs. T told me that the kids weren't at all prepared for adoption really and she feels like she needs to go back and start at the beginning.  As we are well aware, the kids don't think their parents did anything wrong and they blame the judge and police officers for taking them away.  Their perceptions are warped and their anger misplaced.  Until they can get a more true understanding of the process and what actually did happen, they will never be able to move past the anger.  She shared that at this point, most kids are angry at their parents and realize they did bad things to them and were unfit parents and are ready to leave them forever. But my kids are still holding on to the hope they will get to go back some day. I feel so bad for them that they weren't prepared for this and that we are not anywhere near where they should be in dealing with the past.  But once again I see God's hand at work because now we will be the ones to help them through this. I am thankful for that because I think we will be able to have a special connection to our kids since we will be the ones holding their hands through this all and praying all along the way. 

Mrs. T also said that she feels like their foster parents were more like foster grandparents.  Just like grandparents love their grandchildren and it is not their job to discipline and move the kids forward, she feels that they nurtured our kids, but weren't really proactive in getting them the help they needed and working with them to move onto their future adoption.

With all that said, our kids really are doing well (or I think so) in adjusting to their new normal.  Yes they have their moments and throw tantrums as times, threatening to go back and find their birth parents, but I really feel like they are connecting to us and are learning to respect and love us as their forever parents.

I love their therapist and trust her completely to do what she feels my kids need.  She has given me a better understanding of what we need to be helping them with and praying them through as we move forward in the days ahead.  And we are ready to help them move forward and will be praying for God to help them through this process of healing.

First Christmas Fears

Tomorrow begins our first Christmas with the kids. We've had a few small things but tomorrow starts the major Christmas celebrations with the families. And I'm afraid I'm going to be so uptight I'll miss it all and will later wish I would have just chilled out and enjoyed making memories. Yeah I know I am way too hard on myself as a parent, and I expect some meltdowns, but I have a really hard time finding balance between being consistent with discipline and letting it slide.  I rarely let anything slide because I am nothing if I am not consistent.  But sometimes, it is so exhausting. Especially on special occasions when I feel like we are on display.  I know everyone has been there before, but because this is the first Christmas, and I don't know what will and will not cause huge meltdowns, I am kinda dreading it.

And they already have enough Christmas for the year and we haven't even started the "big" Christmas celebrations. Why on earth did I feel I needed to buy them toys at all? Seriously. Between grandparents, and previous foster parents, and our adoption agency, they have plenty. And the fun is just beginning.

And I'm afraid they are going to be rude and unappreciative of everything.

And I hate the parent I am when they are being rude.  I don't want to raise my voice, but I often find myself there.  Why don't they hear me when I am talking normally to them?  Some days I think their ears are broken. Seriously. And I get overwhelmed and angry with them. And then I am that mom. You know the one, yelling at her kids, frustrated, pulling her hair out, and nothing seems to be working. And I hate being that mom. Because no matter how rude they are to me, they are just crying out for love and testing boundaries. They told me to expect this but in the heat of the moment I am only angry and frustrated and just want them to listen and obey. And I forget they are adjusting to us just like we are adjusting to them.

I feel better now that I've gotten that all off my chest.  It always feels good to vent your fears and frustrations, or for me it does.

So if you think of us in the next couple of days please pray that we, as parents, will know how to respond to our kids' antics and when to just let it go.  And pray that our kids take a break from being rude if even for a few moments so we can be reminded of the sweet children God has given us and enjoy the moments. Cause I don't want to regret our first Christmas as a family of 5.

Joy to the World

How many times have you sang a song, especially a Christmas song and not thought one bit about what you were singing?  I am sure I do it all the time.  We all do. We have sung the lyrics so many times and often the phrasing is a bit odd and archaic and we don't really think about it.

The third verse of Joy to the World has been going on over and over again in my head this week. Probably a verse most of us don't know as well as the others.  Probably a verse our eyes have glossed over. 

No more let sins and sorrows grow 

nor thorns infest the ground:   

he comes to make his blessings flow

far as the curse is found.

To me it speaks of moving past the way your life used to be and into God's best for you.  We have to stop letting (allowing, giving permission) sin have a place in our lives.  It controls whatever it touches.  The devil is not happy to be second fiddle. He wants full control. Sin festers, it poisons, it steals from the place where God intended there to be victory and joy and it taints the soil of your heart. Sin is anything contrary to God's word, whether it's doing when God said not to or not doing when God said do. We all fall short in some way.

Jesus has come so we can move from the sin of our past and have blessings and not curses, freedom and not bondage.  And He will keep pouring out blessing in every part of our lives the devil has tried to latch onto and control. There are a few verses of scripture this brings to mind for me.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.- We must not be ignorant that we are living in a world full of sin and that the wages or consequences of that sin is death.  This is not a free for all, a time to do as you please with no consequence for your choices.  There is a price to be paid for your sin.  Because God is just and cannot let sin go unpunished.  But if you accept Jesus' sacrifice, your debt has been paid for.  And your gift from God is life. Full and wonderful life.

Romans 5:20 But where sin increased, grace increased all the more- Praise God! Even when it feels that we will never stop failing God and sin is overwhelming us, God's grace is being poured out into our lives more and more. So we can receive his blessings and overcome the curse of sin that is present around us in this world.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.  But I have come that you might have life and have it to the full.- If you feel like you are being stolen from and someone is out to get you, it's because you are and someone is.  And it's not God doing the stealing. God's plans are life and blessings and not curses and death. So we have to step away from the curses of sin and into the flow of blessings God is pouring into us.

The phrase that I keep singing over and over again is: He comes to make his blessings flow far as the curse is found.

In every step where the devil is trying to gain ground, God's pouring out blessings. Flowing like a river if we will just get in the stream. God is replacing every place of curses with blessing in our lives.

And that is where the joy comes from.  Not from our good deeds or getting what we ask for, but from God who gives us more than we deserve because of his love.  We can live in the flow of God's blessings and there we will find true joy.

Higher Ground

This week I had this old hymn stuck in my head. I believe that God brings songs to us because we need them right where we are at, at that particular moment. As is normal for me, I pulled up the lyrics for all of the verses of this song and read them to allow God the opportunity to speak to me through them if he wanted to. The chorus is what keeps going on over and over in my head.

Lord life me up, and let me stand.
By grace on Heaven's table land.
A higher place than I have found.
Lord plant my feet on higher ground.

Higher - one step above where you currently are.  Higher is relative to ones current position.  What may be higher for you may not be higher for me. As Christians, we are not in competition with each other to see whom can be higher or closer to God. God is just calling us (or at least me) to be closer to him, one step higher, always striving to know God more and love him more. Until we reach heaven.

This all comes at a pretty good time as the new year is right around the corner.  Every year we tend to make these high and lofty goals that are forgotten within a few days.  Honestly, I haven't even made a New Year's Resolution in multiple years because I am tired of disappointing myself.  But today I choose higher ground.  Closer to the lover of my soul. Doing more tomorrow than I did today. Loving more fully. 

And I can only keep this goal one day at a time and one moment at a time.  Yes, I will fail, but as long as I keep moving forward, I am doing what God has asked of me. Moving higher.

Eyes Wide Open

I am amazed at how much junk is being thrown at our kids day after day. My son can't go the McDonalds and assume the toys they give him are okay.  The current toy for boys are Bakugans.  I didn't know what these were and since they looked kinda creepy, we google searched for it. Apparently these little guys are bad news. I don't know what you let your kids play with and that is definitely your choice, but for my kids, we are not playing anything that has anything to do with demons and powers and all that garbage. My kids have been exposed to so much before coming to live with us that I have no control over.  But what I can do is pay attention to the stuff that is being thrown at them so innocently now that they are here and under my watch.

The first time D brought home one of these little toys, we had to have a talk about how the devil is trying to trick us to think that things that are bad for us are good. And even though it looks like just a toy, the story behind it had to do with using the devil's power and we didn't want anything to do with that.  It is the devil's job to deceive us and we have to be smarter than that. The final result was that I told him we were throwing it away. He didn't take it too well, but ultimately it was what I felt I needed to do. Today as soon as D got his toy he knew it was one of those Bakugans which we refer to as the "devil's friends." He really wanted to keep it, but by the time we were done eating his Happy Meal, he decided he didn't want any of the devil's friends, even if it meant he didn't get a toy and his sisters did.  I was so proud of him for his decision and I told him that in the future, if he gets a toy that will not make God happy from a kids meal, if he would throw it away we would replace it with a toy from the dollar store.  He was happy with that exchange and I am happy that he is realizing we are trying to protect him and not hurt him. Daddy told him how proud he was for the choice that he made. And I am pretty sure God is proud of him too.

I don't know what you believe about spiritual warfare, but let me tell you there is some serious spiritual battle going on for my kids at my house. We talk about it a lot with them.  They are learning that the devil wants them to not listen and to disobey us and even to not want to talk to God every night during our family prayer time and if their choices are not pleasing to God, they are making the devil happy. This isn't just about what we want, there is always a spiritual battle going on that we may not see or realize. I think they are getting it.  More often than not, they will ask me to pray for them and tell the devil to leave them alone in Jesus name and pray that Jesus will give them strength to make the decision that pleases God. I guess I always knew this was going on, especially after reading "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness" by Frank Peretti, but it seems so much more real since we are talking about it on a daily basis around here.  Maybe it seems to be a common topic of discussion because we are raising kids who may or may not have a background in spiritual things or maybe it is just because we are raising kids period.  They won't ever learn unless we tell them.  Let me be clear to say that we do not scare them by talking about the devil, but he is our very real enemy and I feel I would be doing them a disservice by pretending like he isn't always trying to trick them.  They know that Jesus is bigger and Jesus will win, but they also know that the devil is always fighting against them and they have to choose to not please him by their choices.

I am so glad we have power over the enemy of our souls by the blood of Jesus.  There are a few songs that have been going over in my head for the past couple of weeks and they talk about the victory and freedom we have because of the blood.  I am so thankful for the blood that purchased my victory and victory for my kids. Nothing but the blood can do that. Nothing

Jumping in the Puddles

This morning I made a deal with my kids.  If they would not purposefully jump in the puddles on the way into the church, thus getting their church clothes and shoes wet and dirty, I would let them play in the rain and the puddles after we got home and changed into jeans and tennis shoes. 

So tonight we did just that.  

You'd be surprised to know (or maybe you wouldn't) that D was not interested in getting wet and cold at all but rather the girls were both all in when I told them to change clothes so we could go jump in the puddles. (By we I mean them getting all wet while I was taking pictures of the entire ordeal). Yes, I am that mom that let and even encouraged my kids to run through the puddles on the side of the road in the cold and was following with my camera the whole way. It was a blast if I do say so myself.  Sometimes, I think kids just need to be kids. I have always loved the rain and loved playing in the rain, so I was so excited that the girls wanted to participate. The pictures aren't the best, but we sure did have a fun time making memories.  I think its good for them and for me to just be silly and be a kid sometimes and do something a little out of the box just for the fun of it.  And we sure did enjoy ourselves.  I wonder what the people in the cars thought as they drove down our road and saw us running and jumping away in the rain, getting wet, with mom on the sidelines approving the whole way.  I am sure some would have through we were crazy. Let them think all they want.  We had fun and I wouldn't take back those 10-15 minutes for anything. I am so grateful that I have kids who will be silly and let me enjoy it all in the process. Kids are the best! They remind us to enjoy life and not take ourselves too seriously.  I think we could all use a reminder of that on occasion.

Scared? Not me!

For the first time in 7 weeks I'm not scared. "Of what?" you might ask.  Let me back up a bit here and catch you up. (TMI warning!!)

Starting in July when we found out we had been selected for our kids I have been telling everyone, EVERYONE and for the most part they were all excited for us. But the next sentence that has come out of their mouth was "You know you are gonna get pregnant as soon as you get the kids, right?" Sounds like an answer to prayer, right? But 7 weeks ago I realized I was so not ready to be a new mom to three and prego all at once. SO NOT READY! I kinda laughed it off, but it was really starting to worry me.  (Enter me trying to figure it all out, again. You'd think I had learned my lesson by now, but apparently not.)  I thought about going back on birth control. I started being lazy with taking my Synthroid. I paid really close attention to my cycle to avoid my husband at certain times of the month. (Not that being totally exhausted left room for any intimacy between us, but just in case, I was really aware.) There were a couple of points in the last 7 weeks when I would have told you I would be really mad at God and really depressed if I ended up pregnant so soon after getting the kids. These weeks of getting adjusted have been really hard on me, on us, and have definitely had me reconsidering wanting any more kids at all. Ever.

But now, I say, God, bring it on, if that's what you want for us. I'm not sure what has changed in the last week or even the last couple of days, but I know that God will not give us more than we can handle. So I am resting in that and knowing that God knows what he is doing. I choose to "consider it all joy" (James 1:2) and not worry about the what ifs. And still, as if I had to relearn everything again, I trust that God's timing is perfect. 

No, I'm not pregnant, just to clear the air and stop any rumors or speculations from growing in your heads.

Pictures today went pretty well. I am waiting on Andi to work her magic and then I can get the announcements/Christmas cards/New Years cards made and sent out. We definitely had God's favor on the day as it stopped raining just long enough for us to get our pics in. Because God is faithful.

7 weeks down, about 17 to go before things will be made final and I can post names and pictures on this blog. I am sure most of you are tired of not having pics, and quite frankly, so am I. Do you know how hard it is to have kids and not be able to post pics of them? I know there are blogs I go to and I look at only because of how cute the kids are.  So I am kinda bummed that I can't offer you that yet.  Let me tell you that when that day comes, those of you who are not my facebook friends will be amazed at how much our kids look like us. God is just amazing and worked all that out for us splendidly if I do say so myself.

Christmas Celebrations

On Wednesday, November 23rd, we put up our Christmas decorations (or celebrations as K would call them).  Last year I bought a second tree with the intent of one tree being a tree the kids could decorate and the other being a tree I could decorate.  I told the kids the plans and H  immediately opposed the idea saying that we were all supposed to decorate everything as a family.  A compromise was reached that H would be in charge of the kid tree but that we would all help decorate it and I would be in charge of my tree, but let them help put things on under my direction. So here is the kids tree:

The ornaments I gave them to put on the tree were whatever was left from multiple years of trees with different themes as well as yearly ornaments since we've been married and more recently from vacations.  The kids' additions that I think are noteworthy are the stuffed owl (because we all know owls belong in Christmas trees) and the Barbie doll complete in the package from the store.  Also, you have to notice the package from D to BJ and I that is front and center of the tree and that he insists we can't open until Christmas.  He makes packages like this often for everyone he meets.  He ever made his cousin Erin her very own drivers license, because right now the thought of having a driver's license or credit card is just the coolest thing to him. You should also know that the back of the tree is totally bare of ornaments or decorations, as can be expected.

And then there is my tree:

It's pretty much what you would expect from me. Red and white and silver. Organized. Pretty equally spaced. I am not obsessive about it or anything so it isn't perfect, but I like it. I think my favorite thing about the tree is the ribbon that is curled and comes down from the bow at the top. It is a 9 ft tall skinny tree and fits in my living room between my couch and love seat.  I love that it is a skinny tree and doesn't take a lot of space, but is big enough to look like a tree and not a stick.

Going into my big day of decorating the house I had high hopes for how much the kids would want to help and interfere with my plans. I was prepared for anything and was told not to have any expectations. It went pretty well.  They were pretty much done with decorating by the time they got their tree decorated and left me to finish the rest which was perfect for me.  I could do what I wanted with little interference and the decorations turned out how I wanted them.  This year I didn't add anything new, so it didn't take much time at all for me to get everything done.  About 3 hours in all I'd guess. 

Usually I enjoy putting the lights on the outside of the house, but right now, it is too much for me.  The kids haven't mentioned it, so I don't plan on putting them up unless they ask at some point. Even then, I may only do the two small prelit trees on the front porch and a few lights around the flower beds and skip the roof this year. I always dread taking them down and so for this year, I think we'll pass on that. Maybe next year when things are a little more settled, we'll work on getting them up.  I do have my wreath on my front door, but I change that every season, so it wasn't much more work than usual.

We are getting family pictures done tomorrow, hopefully, if the kids and weather cooperate. I originally had planned to get Christmas cards made, but at this point, we may just make them all "Happy New Years" cards so I don't feel stressed or rushed to get them out on time.  We plan to send photo cards to more people than our normal Christmas card list since this is kind of being combined with the equivalent of  what "birth announcements" would be for a family who just had a baby. I'm thinking if I can find a new years theme that talks about new beginnings or something, it would fit quite well with what is going on in our lives.

The kids have been here for 7 weeks. 7 WEEKS. So hard to believe.  Some days it feels like they just got here and some days it feels like they've always been here.  6 months and final adoption proceedings will be here before we know it. So exciting! 

The next thing on my list of to-dos is to find the kids a dentist and pediatrician who takes their insurance.  I have a couple I plan to call on Monday and verify insurance before I make appointments to get them in. I've been told that not many take the type of Medicaid they are on, so I'm double checking everything and assuming nothing.  The girls both have birthdays in the next month or so, so I'd guess they will be due for well child checkups. I may not take D in until closer to his birthday which is in June.  All of the kids need their 6 month dental cleaning/checkup/whatever they do for kids their age.  I really don't know when all of this starts, so I guess I'll just have to see what they say when I call on Monday.  My kids have been in good health overall and that is such a blessing. We've had little colds here and there, and one slight-fever, but nothing that has hung on for any length of time and wasn't kicked by a little over the counter medicine. I have seen people with sick children (usually younger than mine) and am so grateful for my kids' health overall.

I am doing well with my Christmas shopping, kinda.  I am almost done with the kids and only have everyone else left.  I figure buying for them in the biggest part of our Christmas, so I guess that means I'm more than half way done. BJ and I have decided to get a new TV for each other for Christmas, so I'm off the hook for him for that and only have his birthday to shop for.

The other exciting news I have (or at least to me it's exciting) is that BJ and I will be going to a weekend long marriage conference/retreat in April. Since life has change so much recently, we've decided we need a time just for us, away from the kids, where we can focus on us and making sure our marriage is strong enough to withstand the craziness that is our new life.  We both realize that the kids wear us out and we need to be a unit, loving each other, and parenting them together for the sake of our family and our marriage.  I am convinced that without a strong relationship between us, our kids and our family can't thrive, so we are taking a weekend for us and for them. I've wanted to do one of these before and am really excited that the timing is working out right this time around.  It is around our 8th anniversary and we are considering this our anniversary gift to each other.  I am so looking forward to it.