Preparation for the Path Ahead

Today's church service was really good.  I was having a good day generally, even though BJ and I did have a ton on our plates. I didn't even have a melt down (which happens often when I am last minute trying to get things done).  I was enjoying being in God's presence and tried to not worry too much about the kids. As most of you know, I play the piano at church and usually on Sunday mornings, I don't have to try to help lead worship and parent from the stage at the same time because the kids are in children's church.  Well, today, the one thing that I didn't remember was that there was no children's church because it was the last Sunday of the month. So I wasn't prepared to handle all of that emotionally.  It really drains me when I am trying to follow God's leading and need to pay attention to the kids and make sure they are worshiping as they should (which is a big deal to me) and not being distracting to others around them trying to worship. But today I chose to trust God that they would make good choices and do what they know we expect of them. And they did great! With each passing song, I felt like I could breathe a little more and just relax and really be able to worship.

And then God used someone to speak to me. Honestly, I was not expecting that at all. I don't know how you are, but sometimes when I'm having a rough day I kind of think God will send someone to me, but when things are going well I guess I just don't even think about it. But when she laid her hands on me, I KNEW it was God.  I don't think I've felt God's presence like that in a long time. And the words coming out of her mouth were confirmation after confirmation of that things I am going through right now. There were parts that were very forward looking and a kind of preparation of things to come and what God is taking me to in the future weeks and months.  I am embarking on a new twist in this Christian journey (not that the path is ever really straight) and I am a little apprehensive about where God is taking me.  Not because God ever takes me somewhere bad, but I have this stirring in my Spirit that things are going to be different.  Different is okay, but many days I just want to get there already.  While I draw closer to God and wait for the day to come, there is so much time for the devil to try and trip me up and he has definitely been trying.  Most of the time I am smarter than his schemes as I've learned a lot about how to stand in my Christian life, but other days I am tired and I am week and he wins, if even just a little bit.

And I am once again reminded that God knows what he's doing and he will provide the strength I need to be who he has called me to be and he will continue to provide all that I need in the days ahead.  Because He is God and this calling is his and it is his job to prepare me for what is ahead. So I choose to trust and not fear, lean more on him than myself, and keep walking down the road, one day, one step at a time.

32w2d

31 Weeks 1 Day

So the picture is a week or so old, but it is time for the prego update, seeing as I had a doctor's appointment today.

How Far Along: 32 Weeks 2 Days
Size of the Baby: about 2.5 to 3.8 pounds and measures about 15.2 to 16.7 inches, the size of a squash
Total Weight Gain/Loss: 16.3 pounds. Today I got the best patient award. Honestly, I think I am heavier than that, but I am really careful the day I know I am getting weighed.
Maternity Clothes: Yep
Gender: Boy, Seth Edward Fowler
Movement: All the time. I don't really keep track of how many times per day or hour right now, but he's moving around pretty regularly. B.J. was sitting next to me in our prepared childbirth class at the hospital and laughing at how much Seth was moving.  I got the idea he wasn't too fond of us talking about his entrance into the world. Or maybe he was just acting excited.
Sleep:  Depends on the day. I have good days and bad days. I am not feeling totally worn out at this point, so I guess I am getting decent sleep.
What I Miss Most: Cute heels, clothes that make me look skinny, not being weighed on a regular basis
Cravings: none
Symptoms: back/hip pain occasionally, feeling generally huge.
Best Moment of the week:Getting some things ordered for Seth including a Beco Butterfly II baby carrier and Seth's diaper bag. Also, we took our prepared child birth class and I feel as prepared as I can be. As always, getting things marked off the list of to-dos. makes me happy.

We have a couple of baby showers in the works and I am really looking forward to them.  Mainly because I am hoping to see some people I haven't in a while.  It's kinda sad that it takes a wedding, baby, or a funeral to get together, but that's just the way it is some times.

I also had very productive talks with all the kids' teachers tonight.  Things are turning around for all of them, at least it seems so.  So for now, I'll just keep praying and trusting God to help my kids adjust to the new normal. And for wisdom and I learn what this thing called parenting is all about.

VICTORY

God has been doing some amazing things in me.  It hasn't always been fun  because quite honestly, letting go and giving God control is down right scary for a control freak like me.  I like my little plans and I like to know what is going on and why.  But that isn't how God works.  He is God and I am not for a reason and so I have to learn to trust him even when my natural tendency is to hold on to my plan with every ounce in me.  I'm learning, it just isn't easy.

Last Sunday we had a time of worship in our second service unlike any I've been in before.  No music, no songs, no plan, just straight worship from the heart with a church full of people doing the same. I was doing well for about 10 minutes and then worship just started getting hard.  I ran out of things to say and it just got really hard.  Honestly, I felt guilty for how hard it was for me at that point, but I knew that was the devil attacking, so I pushed through that hurdle. And that's when God spoke to me.  

Quick rabbit trail - I am not one for emotionalism and hype when it comes to experiencing God.  There is nothing wrong with being prayed for by others or God using others to encourage me,  but my relationship with God is not based on if someone else prays for me or sees me or notices me in my struggles or not.  I don't need a cheerleader or pep rally, I need God. When God speaks to me and I feel his love and his encouragement, it reaches me in a deeper way (whether emotions are involved or not) than people.  That doesn't mean that if God wants you to speak to me that I am not receptive to that as well, just that my relationship with God is not dependent on that.

So I just love it when God speaks to me directly.  It reminds me that he understands me and knows me.

Nothing is too hard for God.

That's all God gave me. Simple as it may be, that one sentence packs a powerful punch.

I've been living in a week full of impossibilities. It has been such a struggle.  Because I hate failing. And I hate when I have no idea what I am supposed to do. And everything I know to do seems like wasted energy. (I'm sure my preggo hormones didn't make this easier on my emotions or everyone around me either.) But that's okay.  Because God's provision and ability to take care of me doesn't depend on my energy or my abilities but on his fully capable hands. So once again, I stand on God's word KNOWING that what appears like a mountain to me is nothing to God.  He is able and willing to take care of it.  I don't know when and I don't know how, but it isn't up to me. It is up to him. And he WILL take care of it. ALL of it.

And to confirm that I heard God right, this week's Sunday School lesson was about when God appeared to Abraham in Genesis 18 and said "Is anything to hard for the Lord?" Nope, nothing. Yeah, that's just how God works.

And there will be victory on the other side of this. God hasn't planned for me to live defeated but in victory. The victory the comes by the sacrifice of Jesus is for me and I plan to believe and live in victory, even if the situation stays the same, even if I'm not feeling it.  Because it is on the way and there is no way I will waste days or hours living defeated when my victory has already been purchased for me.

I Corinthians 15:57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Momma Duck

I just had this experience at Spaghetti Warehouse and it made me smile. So we are leaving the restaurant and I am leading the way as is normal.  I turn around to see my clan walking single file in age/height order hands behind their backs with Dad bringing up the rear.  I felt like a momma duck with her ducklings following close behind.  Or maybe it was like the Von Trapp family line up on the Sound of Music.  And all eyes seemed to be on us as we left, making our way through the restaurant and the crowd near the front door.  Maybe that was partly my imagination but it sure seemed like we had everyone's attention.

I got to the car and about died laughing. I wonder what everyone was thinking. It appeared that I planned it this way and had my kids so well behaved and disciplined.   The thought itself is laughable right now.  I wonder if they were thinking, "man, they have three kids AND she's pregnant. They are crazy!" Or maybe they weren't even looking.  Either way, it was good. Planned or not. I am the momma duck and I love it.

Just wish I had a picture for the record since this may very well never occur again. And I'm sure if I tried to plan it, it would turn out more like a 3 ring circus than a row of ducklings.

Tired and some other stuff

I can't really put into my words how I feel right now except tired.  Not really physically tired (but some of that too. I am 30.5 weeks pregnant ya know.). More mentally, emotionally, spiritually tired. This week has been trying in a lot of different ways. Parenting stuff mostly. I'm not airing my kids dirty laundry because that's not fair to them.  Maybe I wasn't ready to start another school year. I kinda feel like we are starting over again. The kids have been here for almost 11 months and yet it feels like concerning school we are at square one in some ways.  Yes, there are definitely some improvements, but not as much as I'd hoped.  I guess maybe I had too high of expectations.  I loved the idea the kids were getting a chance to start over at a new school with new friends and new teachers, but it hasn't exactly worked out as I hoped. Change is so normal to them, I guess they couldn't mentally change themselves and only know how to act like the new kid.  Anyways, I didn't mean to be so negative, but its been a rough couple of weeks.

Since Sunday I have been able to find my happy place, my peaceful place again in playing the piano and singing.  I really do love playing the piano and just worshiping God. It just puts me in a good mood and is a good de-stresser for me, which I definitely need right now.  There is just so much going on right now, as can be expected, that I just need my time to wind down with no kids, no work, no husbands, but just me and God and the piano and my day goes so much better.  I tend to let myself get too busy and I forget how much I need that time to chill.

Seth is gonna be here in a little over 2 months.  It is so hard to believe!  This pregnancy has just flown by without really any complications or issues and I am so grateful. I really can't even wrap my head around having a tiny baby in the house.  I've been so consumed with just living the day to day with the three kids I have, I haven't really let myself try to think about what its going to be like.  It'll be here before we know it.  And I am quite aware that I will never be fully prepared for this. Life is gonna change again. You'd think I'd be used to change by now, but quite honestly I'm ready for things to settle down.  But for now, it's just gonna get more crazy and more hectic before we find our new normal again.  So I am holding on tight and waiting for the ride to be over. One day at a time.

The Return of Chocolate Chip Cookies

Over the past few years I have become well known and liked (well at least at my office) for my homemade chocolate chip cookies.  I don't really know why my cookies turned out fluffier than others, but they did and I was rather proud that my cookies were loved. And then I got in a funk. The first time I think I didn't have enough flour or something and the next two times I attempted to make cookies they were not as fluffy and I felt disappointed in myself and the cookies.  So I stopped trying.  It was quite sad, but I'd decided that I'd lost my touch.  So we moved to the new house and the first two batches of cookies here on our new stove were also a flop.  I had almost decided my cookie baking days were up, but I had to try one more time.  So yesterday I made two batches of cookies for the grandparents at our church and they turned out perfectly.  And all is right in the world. (Well not really, but I do feel better, at least about my cookies.)

29w3d

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 29 Weeks 3 Days
Size of the Baby: 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: 16.2 pounds, per the doctor's scale, but it varies depending on the time of day and when I've eaten last.
Maternity Clothes: Almost entirely. I prefer to wear dresses most days right now.  I am sleeping in larger gym shorts and a big t-shirt mostly.  I guess that's the only area I haven't switched to exclusively maternity clothes.
Gender: Boy, Seth Edward Fowler
Movement: All the time. I don't really keep track of how many times per day or hour right now, but he's moving around pretty regularly. Dr W. asked if he was wiggling and I said "all the time." His response was that wiggling is really an understatement for kicking me until it hurts.  I couldn't agree more.  But I am loving the movement.  It hurts sometimes, but it is a constant reminder of the miracle growing inside of me.
Sleep:  I sleep pretty normally, except for my once a night bathroom trip. I am not quite sure at what point I started being comfortable enough to sleep again, but I'm glad its here for at least a few weeks (or I am hoping). I love my sleep and am actually the most nervous about not getting enough sleep with a newborn at home.
What I Miss Most: Getting up and down quicker and my back or hips not hurting. I took the kids to 6 Flags on Monday and by the end of the day my feet, back, and hips were reminding me that I am carrying extra weight and can't do as much as I want to or used to. I also miss turbo kickboxing. I haven't really been avoiding it because I'm pregnant, but more because I have a lot to do at work and to get ready for Seth before he gets here.
Cravings: nothing in particular really. We had this amazing wedding cake at the office yesterday and today, but I've always loved cake, so wanting some isn't really specific to pregnancy I don't think.
Symptoms: back/hip pain occasionally, feeling generally huge.
Best Moment of the week:Dr W was explaining the appointment schedule coming up, one in 3 weeks, 2 every 2 weeks, 4 every 1 week and then a baby. Wohoo!!  We are getting there. And I only gained 2 pounds in the past month, so it is good to know I am able to control what I eat somewhat (even if I was very happy to eat that cake as soon as I got back to the office from the doctor's appointment). Also, I'm excited to note here that I did get registered. That was really fun actually! The only thing that would have been better was if Shay got to go with me. Oh, well!

Growing

29 Weeks 1 Day

There's been a lot of growing around here. You know I'm getting big when you can tell from the front I am pregnant. I remember those days of holding my belly or whatever so my preggo pics looked like I was actually getting bigger, but I am past these days as you can tell pretty easily.

And I am not the only one growing, but the kids too.  They are finally getting really used to us I guess and just being normal kids (well as normal as any kid is).  Last time we went to the doctor, Haley had grown 5 pounds in a month and Daniel had grown 7 pounds.  They are definitely turning into good eaters most of the time and are going through a growth spurt.

They are also growing spiritually and this momma is quite proud of them.  This past week we added praying for someone else to our nightly routine and I have just seen then shine in this.  Their prayers are so much different from the normal "Dear Jesus...Thank you for today and help us to sleep well and have good days" to praying for God's protection over our missionary friends to China and praying that their Sunday School teachers would know that God loved them and help the kids to listen and not be rude.  I am so proud of my kiddos and the young men and women of God they are becoming.  No, they aren't perfect, but they are understanding more and more what it means to live like Jesus and to have love and compassion for others. Love. It.

Tomorrow I may be taking the kids to 6 Flags and am actually excited to get to spend some time with them.  They've been to 6 Flags quite a few times, but have never really watched any of the shows or anything, so I think that is our goal for tomorrow. Ride some family rides, watch some shows, and eat some funnel cake.  Yummy!  I can taste it now and can't wait.

Yesterday I went to register at BabiesRus and that is a beating.  I went by myself since BJ doesn't really care and his schedule and mine don't seem to leave much free time together right now.  I was going to go with Shay, my best friend from high school, but she got called in to work last minute so that didn't happen.  I am just glad to get things done.  I kinda feel bad because I have a lot of expensive things on the registry and more registered for the kind of things I like than for every little thing, so hopefully that works out. I also really hope that if people want to buy us something, they can get together in a group to buy some of the bigger things so we don't have to.  And of course gift cards can always help with what doesn't get bought. (I guess I should say here, that I'm just thinking out loud and not at all assuming anyone will buy my anything or expecting anything from anyone.  I have had people ask me if I was registered so now I can say yes and I can mark it off of my list of things to do. Please don't feel obligated at all.)

Tonight we are having a family night that Haley planned for one of her badges for Missionettes  (our church's equivalent of Christian girl scouts).  We are eating pizza for dinner and then watching Night at the Museum and eating popcorn with m&ms and drinking soda. (On a side note, I think it's interesting that my kids who were born and raised in Texas have always called soft drinks soda.  We always called it pop when I was growing up until I got used to calling it all coke, which is the Texas norm.)  That last snack idea is thanks to Ms. Troyce who first introduced my kids to "special popcorn."

This week I have a doctor's appointment and will be updating again all the stats and the little preggo survey I've been doing.  I have been trying really hard to just gain a pound a week which is normal for this stage of pregnancy and not overdo it like I did last month.  Either way, I have to know I am trying, even if Dr. W isn't pleased with the results.  After this week's appointment, I'll have a 3 week appointment and then a few 2 week appointments.  We are getting to the end and I am excited and nervous, I guess the normal for a first time mom. I am kinda ready to get through the birth and try to adjust to being a mom of an infant. The anticipation is half the struggle for me and I am ready to get through some of this stuff and move on to see how some of this will turn out.  But I don't want to rush through these last 11 weeks either, since this could be the last time I experience this.