Busy Weekend

I don't guess I've done a normal "here's what's going on in my life" update for a while. My blog has been consumed with adoption and infertility and God speaking, I guess. Those aren't bad things, but I guess my normal has been changing. Who would've thought that thinking about adopting a sibling group would cause change? Not me. I think things are going to be totally normal and life will be about the same as it is now. (Can we say "sarcasm"?) Ok, to keep this from being long and redundant, I'll just tell you about the parts of my weekend that were different from the normal. Sundays are busy for me by choice. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my church and I love being a part of the different ministries I am involved with. This week was a little busier than usual for a few reasons. First, BJ worked on Sunday morning (boo) so I had to get to church and set up the power point and sound system. Not a big deal because I was able to get the songs early and BJ put the power point together Saturday night. This is the first time (that I can remember) that I didn't have some thing go wrong and have to call BJ for direction. Generally I know how to set it all up, but I just don't have experience troubleshooting. But I've learned those things too now. It was nice. Secondly, I led the staff prayer meeting for the first time. Last Sunday I got asked if I would lead and I said yes. When God opens a door, I am trying to walk through, especially if it is in an area I have been praying about. It went well I think, but that bell that announces the end of prayer seemed to take forever. I'm sure it was because I was nervous and was ready to be done. But I loved it. Would love to do it again. I'm sure over time I'll get more relaxed and get better at speaking and leading prayer. In Sunday School we talked about burdens we carry. I had them all hold their burdens (bags of pennies) for the entire class as a reminder of the weight that we carry unnecessarily. God says again and Again and AGAIN cast your cares on me, give it to me to bear, and stop carrying what I didn't give you to carry. But instead of going to God and taking our burdens to him and leaving them there, we check in with him on occasion to to give him a status update on how we are managing our burdens. We say "God I know you want me to forgive and to give you that burden of unforgiveness, but I am doing so well dealing with my hurt. When I see her, I don't feel angry at all God. I am such a good manager, I think I'll just hold on to this burden a little longer. You need my help." We've got to stop trying to micromanage God and truly give him control, give him our burdens. If God tells us to give him our burdens and we don't we are being disobedient. Isn't it funny how when God tells us to do something through his Word and it isn't comfortable for us, we treat it as if it is optional? I think the most honest thing we can do is admit to God that we want to obey him, but it is hard and we need his help. He wants us to rely on him and not try to do it all by ourselves. Well, BJ is still at work (his shift started at 7 this morning) so I'm sure he is going to be exhausted when he gets home. I think I hear him now. Guess I should get off this thing. Quick Adoption Update: We should have the kids files this week to go through and make a decision to continue towards adoption or not. Pray for us to make the right decision based on God's leading and not our emotions.

I Know That You Are For Me

Jeremiah 29:11"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It just amazes me how God speaks to you through different parts of the same verse depending on what you are going through. Actually, I think its pretty awesome that God speaks to me at all. I don't ever want to be so used to it that I take him for granted. I am sure that you have all heard sermons or teachings on this verse and usually the key words we focus on are plans, hope, future, prosper, you know, all the good stuff this verse tells us about God's plans. But about 6 months ago God used this verse to teach me something very different.

This journey to have kids has been a roller coaster and this past February when I was having to decide to go to a fertility specialist or not, I got really frustrated with God. See, my plans at that point were still that God is going to heal me and give me kids. I am not much for doctors anyways, but I was really fighting going to a specialist. As if going was admitting there was something wrong with me that I and God couldn't fix. And I didn't want God to look like a failure. At this point I admitted I couldn't do a thing to fix my problems this time, but God, I still expected him to come through just at the last minute so I could avoid the specialist all together. I fought it for a long time and I was mad at God for bringing me to this point. I have tried very hard to not let my emotions get in the way and to truly stand on God's word and His promises and not what I felt. But I was a wreck. So God brought me to this verse, that I've read five trillion times (maybe more as it is currently painted on our Sunday School room wall). The part he used to speak to me says "and not to harm you." I felt on occasion, though I wouldn't admit it to anyone, I was being harmed through this ordeal and I was looking for someone to blame. I began to repeat to myself, day after day, through more tears than I care to admit that God wasn't trying to hurt me. Yes, I was hurt and I was struggling, and God was using the struggle for his glory, but his plans were not to hurt me. And I can see the babies he is bringing me now, three of them. More than I ever could have dreamed for. And I realize his plans are for my good and for their good. I don't know if we will end up with those kids, but I do know he is working it out, not to harm me or them, but to bring us together in his perfect time. God has put us here at this time, for the kids he created for us I have been listening to this song lately and love it. It feels like exactly where I am, like I could have written it. From the place that I am in right now.

Know that God is for you, on your side fighting for you, and not harming and hurting you. Because he won't forsake you in your weakness. So draw closer to him.

Doors

Thresholds. Passage Ways. Entrances. Opportunities. As Christians, we ask God to lead us in His perfect plan, to show us where to go and what to do and we wait for Him to open up the opportunities so we can walk through them. By faith. God has been preparing me for something new. I don't know what it is exactly, but I do know the desires He has placed in my heart. Things the shy, scared, intimidated Sandra would never wish for. And yet I do. Because I know it is where God is leading me and will use me. Short Rabbit Trail: For so many years I was so bound by fear. Fear of failing, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. On the outside, people saw confidence (sometimes to the extent of being labeled as arrogant), but I felt inadequate and not good enough. And I hid it very well. I suppose my mom and a few close friends knew that behind the facade I was beating myself up for every shortcoming and failure. But I'm not that person any more. Yes, we all struggle and at times I feel overwhelmed and scared of all the new things coming in my life. But mostly I've learned I can't do it all and that is okay. God has been waiting for me to lean on him fully all these years. And I am getting there, by His grace. Ok, back to doors. There are things I've felt led to do regarding ministry that I haven't told anyone about (except BJ) I wanted it to be all God and not my doing, so I've been waiting for the opportunity to arise. On Sunday, one of the doors I'd been praying for flew wide open. Only God could have done that. Only God. And it just makes me smile at His goodness. Because what God has opened no man can close and what God has closed no man can open. (Revelation 3:7) Adoption Update: Still waiting on the kids files. It's been 4 weeks and we were told that for some cases it is taking as long as 2 months. So I choose to be patient. Patience is defined as having peace while you wait. And I have God's peace which goes beyond what I can understand, so being patient is easy (with God's help.) We are trusting for God's perfect timing in all of this and we expect God to move according to His will for us and the kids.

But God is Faithful

I have learned over the years that I need God to be different things for different seasons of my life. No, God doesn't change, but there are certain parts of his character that I hold onto tighter as I go through different parts of this journey. But God is Faithful. This is my answer to whatever I am going through right now. I can't tell you what is going to happen or not or how everything will turn out or not, but I know that God's will is being accomplished in our lives and He is doing what only He can do. But God is faithful. This doesn't mean He always gives me what I want or what I think I need. He is always loyal to me, on my side, defending me, fighting for me, and providing His perfect will in my life. Behind the scenes, always moving, always working His plan, especially when I can't see Him or grasp what He is doing. And its okay that I don't understand or see or know it all. When I think of the word faithful, it brings me back to a chapel service while I was at SAGU getting my undergrad degree. That day we had a student speaker and I really have no idea who it was other than that it was a guy. I don't know if his entire sermon was about God's faithfulness, but I do remember how he described God's faithfulness. I can here his constant chant of "Faithful. Faithful. Faithful, faithful faithful. Faithful. Faithful. Faithful, faithful faithful." No matter what the circumstances were, no matter what anyone said or did to try and interrupt him the chant continued. Just like God's faithfulness. Never ending. Not dependent on anything except God's character which also doesn't waver. He always hears, always sees, and is always working for me. Because He is a faithful God.

God's Perfect Time

It's been a couple of weeks since we got word that we were selected to adopt a set of three siblings (16 days actually, but who's counting?). We are waiting to receive the kids' files to read through. These files contain everything that CPS knows about these kids. Everything. I can tell you right now that I don't think you can ever be prepared to read those files. I've been told they will include graphic details of any abuse the kids have endured and shared with foster parents, therapists, or any of their CPS workers. Yeah, it is not going to be fun, but it is information we need to know if we are going to be their parents and help them get through the lingering affects of abuse and rejection. We also need to be fully aware (as much as we can) of what we are getting ourselves into and make an informed decision as to if we think these kids will be a good fit for our family. So I'm in a hurry and not in a hurry all at the same time. Because I know the files are going to be heart-wrenching and I'll cry my way through them. And it is going to be hard. Very hard. And because I know that God's timing is PERFECT. I am going to be able to work limited hours for 3 weeks or so after we get the kids (assuming that is our choice). And God knows exactly what will work best. For all of us. Just for all of you who are interested in what the process is from now until adoption, here's a summary based on my understanding. -We get the files to review. If we feel like we want to go forward we will schedule a presentation staffing. -Presentation Staffing: A meeting with us, Mala (our adoption coordinator), and the kids CPS worker and foster parents over the phone (since the kids are from the Houston region). We get to ask any questions we have and hear first hand the information they have on the kids and basically anything we want to know. We have 24 hours to decide if we want to move forward. -Pre-placement Visits: This will be the first time we actually get to meet the kids and them meet us. My understanding is that the kids will get to look through our adoption photo-book before we meet so they can learn more about us. There will be three visits with us and the kids before they move in with us. The visits get progressively longer. -Placement: The kids move in with us and we begin the new normal. Every precaution is made to make the transition as smooth as possible. This is why there is so many information exchanges before the kids meet us. There is a 6 month time period before the adoption is final. -Adoption: We will go to court, usually in the county the kids are from, and the adoption will be finalized by a judge. Any name changes will be made at the same time. The kids' birth certificates are actually changed to show that we are their parents and their names changed to Fowler. Isn't that cool? They told us at the first meeting (over a year ago) that once you adopt, the kids are more yours than biological children are in many ways. They call the day the adoption is finalized "Gotcha Day." We are thinking we will get the kids mid to late September, but that could change. So excited to love on our kids!! Christmas this year is going to be so crazy, in the best way possible!

Confusion and Distraction

Things were going so well and I guess the devil wasn't happy with that. So he had to muddy the waters. Quite honestly, I don't know if God is opening other doors or if the devil is trying to confuse us right now. There are so many emotions going on in my head and I can't seem to wade through them right now. So I am praying for peace. And guidance. And God's will. Because once again I realize I don't have a clue where God is leading or what His perfect will for us is right now. So I have to lean on Him some more (which isn't a bad thing, but definitely something I am having to learn to do.) Don't worry. This is not some huge insurmountable obstacle but it kinda seems like too much of a good thing. And I am left confused and indecisive. And B.J. and I are leaning in opposite directions. Probably because he deals with change better than I do and I was just starting to feel like I knew what God was doing. I guess I should have learned by now that I will never figure Him out or gain control of what He is doing. Because He is God and I am not. And all of this rambling and thinking may have been unnecessary when we see how things turn out. So for now, I take captive every thought that is contrary to God's Word and wait for God to open and close the doors as only He can.

I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace..."

Dear Baby Fowler,

I've never met you and yet I already love you. As I was growing up, I always knew I wanted kids, but never dreamed it would be so difficult for us to conceive. I know that God is going to bring you to us in his perfect timing, whether by natural conception, fertility treatments, or adoption. I have been making plans for you for many years. I know that things don't always turn out as we plan, but I pray that God will help me be the best Godly mom I can. I want to show you what it is like to love God with everything and feel him loving you back. I want you to love God and love being involved in church as much as you Daddy and Mommy do. I want you to experience joy and success and know that we are backing you up. I know you will also experience sorrow and disappointment, and we will be there with you. I want you to learn at a young age the importance of spending time with God and memorizing scripture. I want you to learn to lean on God for everything you need. We want you to know we need you as much as you need us. We are waiting for you with open hearts and loving arms. We know God has great plans for you and we are excited to see what He has in store. You will be surrounded by a lot of people who love you and are praying for your safe arrival. I love you and wish you were here with us already. I know that being a Mom will bring new challenges, but I'm ready for us to be a family and to learn together. I want to hold you and cuddle you and teach you all you need to know. I will protect you and care for you as best as I can. Please join us soon. We are waiting.

Love, Mommy & Daddy Written September 8th, 2009

Quirky

I am not a forgetful person. I pride myself in being to remember birthdays and random facts about people that I am told once. I absolutely love to memorize things, especially just to prove I can. I kind of take it as a challenge and if you know me, you know I love a challenge or competition that I think I can win. (On a short rabbit trail, I am pretty competitive, but not if I don't have the ability to win. For example, I have never played a team sport besides in P.E. and am not athletically inclined. I will not take you up on a challenge to play a sport because I know that the chances are it won't even be a competition and who really likes being humiliated? Not me. However, if you present me with an academic challenge or something I can reasonable expect to at least be competitive in, I am there. Case & Point: We had a walking challenge at work a few years back. The contest was which team could walk the most steps in a month. So we all got pedometers and logged our steps daily. My team, let just say they weren't as competitive as I was, so I had to carry the weight of the team because I wanted to win. So I did whatever it took. I was constantly walking in place if I was standing up and walking somewhere like 40,000 steps in a single day multiple times. I knew I had the ability to win and definitely did everything in my power to do so. We didn't win, but I was at least competitive in that competition. I am not a sore loser, I just want to be a contender if I'm going to compete, if you know what I mean. Wow, that trail was way longer than I intended.) So I have a good memory. And I have misplaced something important to me and it is driving me batty. I remember saying, "I'll put it here (wherever "here" is) so I won't lose it." Yeah, obviously, that isn't working out too well for me. I have checked in all the drawers and other places I thought I might have put it to no avail. I only tell you about it at all because I wanted to share it with you. I have seen it not that long ago, so it can't be too far lost, right? So frustrating. I am normally so organized. Hmmmm. Hopefully next time I blog I get to share with you...assuming I find it. I will find it if I have to tear this house apart. Well, not really. I really don't like my house being torn apart. Someone must be thinking I am quite an odd duck about now. Loving to memorize and being so crazily competitive. If you think that's odd, you should watch me eat a meal, one item at a time, turning the plate as I go. This drives my coworker, Shannon, crazy. But don't be so quick to judge. We all have something weird about us and if you don't, you are in denial or have been hiding it so long, not even you remember. None of us are the same, NONE OF US. And none of us are normal because there is no such thing. God made you just the way you are, including all your quirky habits. So be free to be you, because that's how God made you to be. Now, back to searching...

Taking a Break

Today was my post-op appointment with Dr. Le. I was kinda nervous going in. Not because I thought he would tell me anything I didn't know, but because I had made a decision and was afraid that he would make me feel guilty for my choices. I know that it is the doctor's job to do whatever you are paying him to do. For me, I have paid him good money (not that it's about the money) to help us in our struggle to conceive. And it has been his job to guide us, try different drugs and procedures to help us. But today I had to tell him I was changing the game plan. Because after all it is our choice. So after Dr. Le told me about the more aggressive drugs he wanted to try including three injections to stimulate my ovaries, I told him we were in the process of adopting three kids and wanted to take a break from the drugs and other procedures until that was all settled. And he totally understood and supported our decision. And this is why each of the exam rooms in his offices contain award after award that he has received over the years. Because he is compassionate and this is not just his job. Many women come to him when they are in a very fragile place in their lives. A very emotional journey. And he provides hope and comfort and support. He asked that we keep in touch with him as far as what is going on with us during this break and when we are ready to come back (if we need to come back) we can call him back and we will pick up right where we left off. I cannot express enough how good he made me feel for our decision. Before today, I would have said he was very caring and good at his job, but now I say I love him and would refer him to anyone who was looking for a fertility specialist. And I start to see all the pieces of my life that have been missing or lost come together. I am starting to see the picture that God has been creating for us and let me tell you, it is amazing!! On Sunday, one of our friends from church prayed for us. For guidance and peace and wisdom. Against fear of rejection and failure. It was good and exactly what we needed. Speaking of coming together, I have made a list of all the things I need (or want) to get done before the kids come here, and it is pretty massive. One day at a time, one item off the list at a time. Tonight after work, I got most of school supply shopping done. I have some things they didn't have at Staples, so I'll try to go to Walmart pretty early on Saturday and get the rest done hopefully. And on Saturday, the kids bedrooms are being painted by our friend Jason. A while back he told us he felt like God wanted him to paint the kids rooms when we got our kids and knew what we wanted. We are so grateful for the help, and quite honestly, no matter how much I wanted the rooms to be painted, I sure didn't want to paint them myself, so I am thrilled to get some help. We are buying another bed and bedding to match the one here as well as a 5 drawer chest for the girls room. Obviously, we are buying a lot more at some point, but right now I am focusing on the basics. First things first. Get the rooms painted and closets cleaned out. Oh my, the list is so long. But we have time and God will help me to prioritize what needs to be done now and what can wait. Most people get 9 months to plan for kids rooms and such. We are getting something like 6-8 weeks. Lovely! But it'll all get done. It just may not be as perfect as I would want, but that's okay. They are kids and as long as we can love them, they'll be fine. So many people have asked what we need and what sizes the kids wear, so I'll answer here by saying that we don't know what we need yet or their sizes. We are more than happy to accept help, but I really don't want to become the collector of all things people are trying to get rid of that our kids may or may not need. When I find out more, I'll try to put some sort of list together, so if you want to help you can. Trust me when I say, please don't feel obligated, but since many have asked, I thought I should address it here.