6 Week Checkup

Today Seth had his 6 week checkup (although he is actually 6 weeks and 2 days old) and he is certainly a growing boy.  He weight 9 lbs 4 oz and is 22 inches long. Both right in the 25th percentile for his age. He has definitely grown a lot in the past month. They gave him the rotavirus vaccine orally. I am praying for few to no side effects of the vaccine. So far he is a little more sleepy and less alert but nothing else. I am having BJ pick up some infant Tylenol at the store on the way home just in case he gets a fever later in the day from the vaccine. I certainly don't want to need it in the middle of the night and not have it.

I have been noticing this week that he is outgrowing his newborn size onesies and sleepers. Since they are for 5-9 pounds and he is over 9 pounds, that would make sense.  I am enjoying getting to venture into 0-3 month clothes since there is more selection there.  I would say that he will continue wearing his newborn pants for a while since most of them seem too wide for him.  He'll probably be too tall before he is too big for those, I'd guess, but we will wait and see.

Tonight BJ and I are going to the Mavericks game and the kids are staying with Nana and Papa. This will be the first time Seth has had to eat breastmilk out of a bottle, so hopefully he'll do well for Nana. 

Only one more week until I am going back to work. I have missed the social side of it, but it has been nice to only be a mom and wife without the pressure of work for the past few weeks. The kids have enjoyed (or they have seemed to enjoy) me being home to help with homework and such and being able to attend their school parties and eat lunch with them at school on occasion. Haley and I are working on memorizing multiplication tables and Daniel is working on improving his score on addition math facts on the computer. Katelynn has it pretty easy as far as school goes, but I have been reading to her and with her. She is supposed to start having homework in January. They are doing really well.

But we are all in for another adjustment when I start back to work next week. I will get to work on juggling it all again, plus a few new things. I think this time has made me more patient (or I hope it has) and I am praying for strength again to make it through the adjustments. I am sure it will all work out, it always does. God is just faithful like that.

Living in a Hurry

Do not be in a hurry to leave the king's presence. Ecclesiastes 8:3

We live in a time where everything is so rushed and furious. We rarely slow down for anything. We are constantly running between kids activities to work to church to friends to whatever else. So it is no surprise that we don't take time to stay in the King's presence.

God wants to speak and yet we are so busy, we don't have time to listen. Or maybe we don't make time.  We have to learn to stop hurrying, especially when it comes to our time with God.

Seth has definitely made me slow down a bit. No, I don't get all the things done I thought I would or that I want to (I haven't scrapbooked in way too long) but I am learning to slowing down. Seth's middle of the night feedings have become my prayer time. I pray for my kids, my husband, my family and take some time to listen and see what God is trying to speak to me. I know that unless you have a young baby, you don't have a reason to be up alone in the middle of the night (and there was no way I could make myself be up when I didn't have the responsibility of feeding Seth), but we have to make time to just be in our King's presence.  Because he loves us and wants to be with us.

I don't remember where I heard it at but there was someone who kept asking God why he was having to wait to have this certain prayer answered. And God's response was "I like spending time with you." I can totally relate. When we are desperate for God to answer us we make time to seek his face, to spend in his presence. And when he grants us the desires of our hearts we get back to living life in the fast lane, rushing around and forget to just spend time with the one who made us for fellowship with him. The one who just wants to spend time with us.

So that is one of my new year's resolutions: Learning to wait in God's presence without a time clock, without a deadline, but just because he wants to be with me. And I'm not gonna wait another week to start working toward this.

Christmas Recap

I am tired and don't have the pics at my fingertips, but wanted to post about Christmas before I forgot.  This Christmas was a lot different than last year. Last year was overkill. Total insanity. We were first time parents to three kids and they got a ton from us, from first time grand parents, from their foster parents, from the adoption agency and we had been buying them stuff pretty much nonstop since we got them in October. We had only had them 10 weeks at Christmas and it was ridiculous. 

So I vowed to never do that again for a couple of reasons. 1. Christmas is not about the stuff. Never has been. Never will be. It's nice to get stuff, but that's not the point. Not to sound cliche, but Jesus is the reason for the season.  We only give and get gifts as a reminder of the greatest gift of all we received when God sent Jesus to earth for us. And the gifts show each other our love. It feels good to give gifts to other people, especially when you have put thought and effort into it and get them the "perfect gift." 2. I think I was trying to prove to my kids how much better parents we were or that we were good parents by the stuff we got them last year. And it didn't work. And I was disappointed. Somewhere in my brain I expected them to be so appreciative that we bought them new clothes and bought them new toys, and all the other stuff. And they didn't respond how I expected. 3. Christmas is expensive enough without going overkill.

So this year our kids got much fewer gifts and they were just as happy and just as appreciative as before. I warned them well in advance that it would not be like last year. And they still got plenty of stuff and actually still have one more "Christmas" to go this weekend.  As a year has passed they are no longer in comparison mode. At first, they compared everything to how life was before they came to us. And it made it hard for the competitive part of me to not win all the time. Now, life with us is just that. Life. And they are happy. And they are loved. And they know it. And life is good. God is good.

They are such great kids! More often I get heartfelt "thank yous" and unsolicited words of appreciation and I know that we are doing well with them. And God is maturing them and changing them in so many ways. And they are settled.  And they are at home here. Makes my heart happy.

The girls love the boots I got them (knock off uggs in black and pink for Haley and Katelynn, respectively) and they all really like their 3x3 square storage cubes. Even Daniel was excited at how much nicer and more organized he can keep his stuff. I was a little worried that was more of something I'd enjoy rather than them, but I was wrong. The big gift for them all was a trampoline (that is in the box in the garage). I think they will really like it when we can get it up. The snow/rain didn't allow that today. I think Daniel's favorite gift (from my parents) is this little remote control go cart. He played with that all morning.

I wasn't going to get Seth anything since he won't know the difference, but let the older kids pick out some items for him and they were happy he had stuff in his stocking to open. Nothing big, just some clothes, pacifiers, shoes, and stuffed animal. He got some other things but his favorite (ha!ha!) is the little red Nebraska Cornhusker shoes from my sister and her husband.

I should point out that we haven't opened Christmas from BJ's parents yet so I'll have to report on that later. 

We had my parents and in-laws over for smoked ribs today for lunch. BJ was up way too early to get those cooked today.  They were very yummy! I think this is the first time we have had the crew at our house (except for when they brought over food right after Seth was born for some meals) and it went over well. We usually get together at my parents because it is just easier (or its habit), but it worked out well and the kids got to show off their Christmas presents to the grandparents before and/or after lunch.

I have about a week and a half left until I go back to work. I am making a list of things I'd like to do with the kids during that time since we are all here until (except for BJ). The list includes things like McDonalds for lunch, read together with each kid (we got them new books I want to get them interested in), help Katelynn go through and get rid of toys she doesn't play with, and other things.  Nothing big, but I definitely want to spend time with each kids separately some since I have the most free time available right now.

I can't complete a Christmas post without saying that it snowed for Christmas this year. The kids got to play in it for a while and had so much fun. Papa (BJ's dad) was outside with them for a while taking pictures and such so I'll have to steal some from him. I prefer to look at the snow from a distance and stay warm inside. Or go for a walk in it. The kids, however, didn't care that they were cold and wet and had a blast.

I have a couple of new years resolutions brewing in my head I'll post about later probably. Nothing major but just some things I'd like to get accomplished next year and steps I can take to get there. (Thinking with my fingers.)

Merry Christmas, Ya'll! 

Single Parent and Date Night

Today BJ was supposed to work, but he called in sick after being up last night sick. So he was here in body but he wasn't really here to help out. And it was hard.  My mom came over for a few hours so I could run some errands and BJ could sleep or do whatever he needed to without thinking about the kids. I don't know how single mom's do it. Seriously.  The older three can basically take care of themselves, but they still need or want someone to help them with things from time to time. And as things go, they wanted my help at the exact moment Seth would be crying or fussy. So I was trying to take care of/help multiple kids at the same time. And honestly, I just wanted to be lazy and sleep today. I did sleep in until 8:30, kinda, in between getting up with Seth and trying to appease him.

Friday night BJ and I are going to a Mavericks game. This will be the first time I've left him that will require someone else to feed him while I'm gone. Although even talking about it makes me tear up, I am hoping to be busy and not think about it while we are gone. He'll be in good hands, but I hate the thought of him crying and no one being able to calm him down but me. Having a baby really does change your perspective on things and the hormones swings sure don't help.

It is going to be really hard for me to go back to work. Not because I don't trust anyone else, but because he has basically been at my side for the past 5 weeks (will be almost 8 weeks by then) and I feel like its my job to take care of him.  I know him better than anyone else and I am the one that has been able to meet his needs so far.  I'm sure things will be fine once I get my new routine of pumping at work and all of that down. I am going back to a busy time at work, so hopefully the busyness will keep me preoccupied.  I just am trying to treasure these last few weeks with my baby before I go back to work.

New Body

Daniel has been doing so well at school. He's gotten three good behavior marks this week. This is a record for him. And even on the week before a holiday break. I don't know about you, but for my kids this week is really hard. They are so excited about the upcoming Christmas festivities, the thought of actually doing school this week is really hard for them. I think this is pretty typical.

Last year this week Daniel almost got sent to the principal's office because he was out of control. And distracting others. And easily upset and angered. His teacher at the time was more patient than she needed to be and tried to be understanding and opted to write me a long note about the rough day he had.

One year ago I was desperately wanting to take Daniel off of his meds (gradually with the doctor's help) and he was fighting me.  Because he said he couldn't be good without his meds because he was a bad kid. I tried to show him support. I tried to encourage him to keep trying but things seemed hopeless.

I know that ADHD doesn't go away or get better, but I was praying that God would heal my boy. Because I didn't want him to be "that kid." The one that was different. The one that couldn't control himself and just be normal.

So today when I reminded Daniel that I thought he couldn't be good without his medicine he smiled from ear to ear and said "That was my old body mom. I have a new body now and I can do whatever I need to do. I'm not that kid anymore." And it made me smile. I love seeing God beat the odds and do the impossible. I am so grateful he is healing my kids.  I am not saying that there is anything wrong with medicine or treating your kids for ADHD or the diagnosis itself, but God gave me faith to believe for a miracle for my boy and He's just big enough to grant that for me. God is so faithful!

Ecclesiastes

The beginning of book of Ecclesiastes really bothers me sometimes.  Solomon is just such a downer in this book. He goes on and on about how everything means nothing and it's all pointless.  So hard to read when you are trying to find purpose in what you do on a day to day basis.  And yet after his griping and moaning, there is this verse that just jumps out and speaks, well at least to me it did this week when I was reading it again.

"To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God." Ecclesiastes 2:26

Pleasing God really comes down to obedience motivated by our love for him. So if we love him and desire to please him we will do what he asks us, no matter how difficult it may seem to us. So when we do that, God promises wisdom and knowledge and happiness. 

And those who choose not to please God, but choose their own way are busy storing up wealth that God says is ours (if we please God) and will be handed over to us. There is something about God taking what the wicked have worked for and stored up and rewarding his own with it that just gets me excited. Because God is God and even what the wicked think is theirs, God has control over and he sees to it that his own reap the benefits of belonging to him. Love it!!

On a side note, I had a really good week last week. After I wrote this post about anger and forgiveness, I knew that I would be tested in that area, and I was. And, thanks be to God, I was able to continue to work towards total forgiveness and healing. God required me to step out of my comfort zone and offer a friendly gesture toward them and I did it before I was talked out of action by my own thoughts. I tend to over think things and blow them out of proportion to the point I am frozen in fear and unable to take the steps God is asking of me. But not this time. This time I was victorious and the devil didn't win. I say all of that, not so that you'll pat me on the back, but so that God gets the glory for the victory he is providing in me. And to reiterate that victory is possible as we learn to trust in and rely on God, one step at a time.

Last Minute

Last Sunday I agreed to be in the Christmas play at church, whose production was yesterday.  Yep, less than a week before the play was to be put on I agreed to take on a part.  My dad had quite a time this year with the play.  It seems like he had multiple people initially show interest and then quit, or find out they couldn't be at the actual performance or whatever.  One of the characters changed actors 4 times.  So 1 week out I took on the part, kind of as a last minute option. I am normally all involved in the play, but set out this year because I would be having Seth about a month before the performance and I really didn't know how much that would affect my flexibility and I was trying to lay low for a while.  (On a side note, that is really hard for me. I am just so used to being busy and involved.) So I learned my lines and it went over pretty well, at least my part did, I think. Nothing like last minute.  It was actually kind of nice not having to be at practice every week for a little over 3 months and just showing up at the end, memorizing my parts, and performing. I think I would have been a lot more stressed than my dad seemed to show if I would have been there through it all. Instead, I only had to endure 2 practices (long as they were since we ran through the entire production multiple times.)

It seemed like this year we had a lot of different people in the play, which I really enjoyed. Not all of them were as committed as we'd like, but it is good to get to know people in a different setting then just typical church.

I really think God uses stuff like this to push us.  Not just to get out of our comfort zone, but also to realize we can do things we otherwise thought impossible. My friend, Lisa, realized she could memorize if she worked at it and has used her new found confidence to start memorizing scripture.  You know how much I am loving that, seeing as I am big on memorizing scripture myself. I could get on my soap box about how you can do whatever you decide to do, especially memorizing, if you don't talk yourself out of it, but I won't.

I am looking forward to being in the play next year.  I can see how some of the parts would have been so fun to memorize if I had committed to the play the entire time. After this year, Dad may not be directing a play for a while so I may have to put it together or find someone to put it together. Or maybe I can talk him into directing a play with a smaller more dedicated cast so I can just act, which is really what I prefer. Is it weird that I want to start looking online for a Christmas play for next year?

Happy 1 Month, Seth!

Wow! It is so hard to believe you have been here for a whole month!  At this age you are wearing size 1 diapers and still in newborn clothes, but I think you may be outgrowing some of those.  Your feet are too long to fit in the feet of the pajamas you are wearing in the pictures, but I don't remember if they fit before or not.

You and I really have this breastfeeding thing down to a science.  You latch on almost immediately and switch between sides very easily.  It hasn't always been that way. You are eating between every 3-4 hours a day and then go one long 5-6 hour stretch at night. I haven't really made you have a schedule except what you want but I may try and make you go closer to a 4 hour stretch soon. Just so I can plan for when I go back to work a little better.

You have recently decided that you want to be awake in the evenings when all the action is going on at our house. Which would be fine if you would lay and observe the family, but instead you have decided to cry from about when I get the kids home until 8 or so. It makes for a long evening with us trying everything under the sun to get you happy. Any one thing lasts for about 5 minutes until you need something else to soothe you. And that's okay. You are a baby and maybe you just need to work out your crying skills.  I am ready for this habit to change, however.

I have learned that as soon as I think I know what you are going to do or why or how to help you, it changes. Same thing with your feeding schedule and your temperament. And other moms have confirmed this to be true, so I guess we are amid good company.

You spit up a lot, or it seems like a lot to me. Grandma says I spit up a lot too, so you must get this from me. And I've been assured you really are getting some milk even though it doesn't seem like it some times.

Your brother and sisters are smitten with you and I love watching them interact with you. They seem to understand that you need more of my attention and they are okay with that most of the time.  It does get kind of hard when I need to help with homework or cook dinner and you just want to be held.  I bought a baby carrier that I was sure you would love, but think you are too small for it just yet. I tried it once and you cried the whole time. Haley hates it when you spit up and runs from you. She says she's okay with it, but she hasn't proven it yet.  They ask to hold you often. Last night we took sibling pictures for the Christmas card and they turned out pretty cute for just a snapshot.

You are really good with visitors and guests.  You are so sweet and quiet and cuddly when someone wants to hold you and I am so proud of that. It's okay if you aren't that way all the time for us. We try and be understanding. In general, when I have tried to plan your feeding around some scheduled event, you have done really well (usually sleeping through the entire event) which makes it so much easier on me. 

Church goes really well (which was one of the things I was worried about the most since Sunday's were unbelievably busy  before you joined our family). It's probably the most structured event I try to feed during and around to keep you happy and still be able to get everything done I need to between teaching Sunday School and playing piano for praise and worship. Generally I can feed you before we leave the house and than again after praise and worship and then again before the second service. You stay with Daddy in the sound booth during morning service so I can grab you as soon as I'm done playing and feed you before I'm needed again. You go in the nursery on Wednesday nights with Ms. Lydia and she loves on you. You are the only baby right now.

We love you so much and are so glad that you are a part of our family, sweetheart!

                                                                                                                       ~Mommy and Daddy

I thought it would be good entertainment to post some outtakes from his one month old pictures I tried to take today. It was hard getting him to look at me and cooperate.  So here are some of the other pics. These prove he is not always happy and I think they are kind of funny. I don't know how you mom's get your kids to sit still for pics at this age. Seth just wanted to fuss and wiggle the whole time.

This is my angry face!

I am not a happy camper!

No more pictures, please!!

Spotlight

So it's been a while since I've shared what God has spoken to me or put on my heart on here.  There are multiple reasons for this, but the main ones include the fact that the readers probably prefer my posts about the kids that include pictures and that I am not always at liberty to share what God is speaking. So, if you want a post about the kids, that is not what this is going to be. I do have a post I want to write and will maybe get to later today that I promise will include at least one picture, so you can come back for that later if you'd like.

As a recap, BJ and I have been teaching our Sunday School class out of Beth Moore's Bible study on the Patriarchs. Sunday was my turn and the story that fell to me is found in Genesis 27:41-45. These few verses talk about how Esau was angry with Jacob and held a grudge against him for stealing his firstborn blessing. While I was putting the lesson together I knew that God had orchestrated this just for me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has pushed down feelings of anger against someone and tried to act like it was okay when in reality I am not okay and I have been just hiding the hurt and anger instead of dealing with it.  As I was teaching this lesson, I became quickly aware of how many of us this lesson resonated with (mainly due to the nodding heads and looks between spouses while I was teaching) . I am not the only one who has tried to act Christian when that person walked in the room when deep down I am angry and I let it fester and boil up inside.

So God was spotlighting me (and others) through this lesson.  Sometimes, we just don't want to deal with our sin, but would rather hide it away and try to avoid the circumstances that make us feel uncomfortable or convicted. Because it's easier.

And we'd rather justify our anger and hurt feelings and rationalize it away instead of admit it is wrong, repent, forgive and move forward. Because it isn't fair how they make us feel or what they did to us. And we deserve to get even, or so we think.

The only problem with that rationale is that harboring our anger doesn't get even with them, but just makes us think we are getting even all the while we are letting the anger fester and the only one who is worse off is us.

So I concluded to ask God to help me forgive and to try and walk in forgiveness by praying for this person everyday and relying on God's strength to get through. (On a side a note, often after God convicts us and we feel God's gentle prodding, our conclusion is that we'll try harder.  Trying harder in our own strength is futile and gets us no where. So we have to resolve to admit we can't do anything on our own and we have to rely on God to help us forgive and get rid of the anger and hurt.)

Last night I was reading through some old notes from sermons and came across this statement - "How we respond to God's word determines how He can pour out His anointing."

So, God, I hear you loud and clear and this time, I am going to follow through and I am going to seek your help and really forgive because I want all of what you have for me.  I'm not going to stop when it gets difficult or uncomfortable. Because being exactly where you want me and being used by you exactly like you want to use me is worth the discomfort as you help me forgive.

Time Management

I think the most difficult thing about being the mom of a new baby that I am breastfeeding is the scheduling of my life.  Before, even with the three kids, I could take off (with a kid or two in tow) and run errands for hours on end and come home feeling accomplished. Now, my entire life has to be scheduled in 2-3 hour increments before Seth is hungry again. I am not comfortable feeding him in public, although I could feed him in the car between errands, but haven't gotten in the habit of doing that. So I split up my errands into manageable pieces between Seth's feedings.

Today, I went to the Paragon Outlets in Grand Prairie to work on Christmas shopping.  Before Seth, I probably would have spent most of the day out there, but today I was only there a few hours and managed to finish the kid's Christmas and get a few other things purchased.  This is what is taking the most getting used to for me.  It's also why I feel less productive in general right now.  That and the laying around the house most of the day. It's just easier than trying to be as productive and take care of what Seth needs.

And when there is a scheduled time for something, I try to feed him as close to when I need to leave as possible so I can possibly avoid having to feed him while I am out. Before I go back to work I will get a milk supply stored up which should make things easier since he'll be eating breastmilk then too.

Overall, one inconvenience isn't too bad or at least I don't think so.

Welcome to Mommyhood

I absolutely love being Mommy to this sweet little boy. I know that I was a mom before and I wouldn't trade my three older kids for anything and love them soooo much, but being a mom to an infant is different. He needs me and I love to be needed. My heart explodes when people comment on how pretty he is and how good of a baby he is. Because he is mine.  Not that I really have anything to do with the fact he is down to one mid-night feeding or the fact that he is very calm and goes to anyone rather easily or the fact he is so alert when he is awake, but I take pride in my baby. The one I will never forget that God gave me.

I have heard people say that didn't like the baby stage, but I am loving it. I love being the only one that can feed him and I love that he knows who I am, even at such a young age. And it doesn't bother me when he cries (probably because he doesn't cry much and is rarely inconsolable). I like the fact I can seem to calm him down when no one else can.  Because I have learned him and his ways and he has learned mine.

People have said they would steal him he is so cute and that is fine, for a few hours. But I know he will be back because I am his Mommy and sometimes, no one else will do.

Jill and I used to kid around that I could raise our kids as babies and she would take them as toddlers because I prefer the baby stage and she prefers a little older.  And I still feel that way.  Babies are fun when they get a little older and are mimicking everything you do, but for now I am enjoying the cuddle, sleep all day, sweet baby days.

On a side note, Erin, my niece is just so cute. Since Jill will never update her blog (she hasn't posted since the May 2010), I will update on Erin.  She is about 18 months old and copies everything you do or say.  On Thanksgiving, our cousin Mark started winking at Erin and she immediately started trying to wink. It is the cutest thing how she scrunches up her nose and squints her eyes.  Sometimes she successfully winks and others she doesn't, but watching her try to wink is the cutest thing ever. In a year or so, or even in the summer, Erin and Seth are going to have so much fun together.

B.J. went back to work today after being off since Seth was born, so today is the first day we have gotten the kids ready for school together and then I took them all to school and am home with Seth alone for the day. He's an easy baby, so I'm sure everything will go well. I am kind of on a rolling schedule change it seems like. First, we were at the hospital.  Then we had a week of both of us home, a ton of family in town, and the kids off of school. Then, we had a week after every one went home and the kids returned to school. Now, I have 3 weeks of taking the kids to school and picking them up as well as running errands and such with Seth during the day while BJ is working. Then I have 2 weeks of the kids at home for Christmas break and BJ at work. Then it's back to what will be a more permanent schedule: Me taking the kids to school, both of us at work, Seth with grandparents during the day and grandparents picking up the older kids from school.

I am trying to enjoy these next three weeks with just Seth and me. I sure don't want to wish the time away, but I know it will be gone quickly. I have some Christmas shopping to finish up with Seth, so I am looking forward to getting some use out of my new stroller.

Life is good, God is great and I love mommyhood!!

Breastfeeding

So besides the "is he always awake?" question, the second most common question I get is "Are you nursing/breastfeeding him?" (On a totally separate note, is it more politically correct/less embarrassing to say nursing instead of breastfeeding? It totally doesn't bother me to say breastfeeding at all, but I guess it bothers some people.)

I've decided to do a post about my breastfeeding journey so far.  I was surprised to hear a friend say that no one told her it would be difficult to breastfeed, which gives me even more reason to write about this topic. I guess if you think about it, breastfeeding is a very natural thing and our bodies are made to breastfeed, so it should be easy, right? Well not necessarily. And I knew that full well going into this.  I was asked at my first prenatal doctor's appointment if I would be breastfeeding and my answer has always been I'd like to and I'll try to. My doctor was happy with that. Actually the two things I wanted to do concerning my labor/delivery and this baby was go without an epidural (which I failed at) and breastfeed (which I have managed to get the hang of over the past few weeks). Obviously if you are offended by breastfeeding or related topics, you probably shouldn't read this post. I want to share my experiences to help other young moms that think they can't do this or that it is impossible.

I went into this decision to breastfeed knowing it could be difficult and quite honestly, that I may decide it was too hard for me. I had a few friends/acquaintances who tried for about 3-4 days to breastfeed and then gave up at that point. I totally understand that, because my roughest time was probably the night of day 4 after he was born. Ok, let me go back to the beginning at the hospital.

First off, shortly after Seth was born they gave him to me to try and breastfeed him.  He wouldn't latch on well.  I tried for about an hour to get him to nurse and didn't get him latched on once during that time.  I was still on an emotional high (I had just had my son who I prayed for so desperately for so long), so I didn't let myself get disappointed or stressed, but just figured he would get it eventually.

When we were moved to the mother/child room / postpartum room, my day nurse for the first few hours happened to be a lactation consultant who helped me try and get him to feed. After about 20 minutes I learned a few things. 1. He wasn't opening his mouth wide enough to get a good latch. 2. He just wasn't ready at that point to breastfeed. I think that because he was so small, it was harder for him to latch on and to see the value in that at least initially.  But I kept trying for the next few days at the hospital.  On day two he finally latched on and ate for a good 20 minutes and I felt like I had conquered the world. After that, each time he would be hungry or every 3-4 hours when I was awake I tried to get him to latch on and eat. Some times it was successful and sometimes it wasn't. And I was okay with that.  It's really amazing to me that with my natural tendency to desperately strive to succeed at everything and how much I hate failing, that I still had hope this would work out for me.

On a side note, I think a hospital bed is the most non-breastfeeding friendly place.  The bed doesn't allow you to sit up totally straight and it was quite honestly very hard to get Seth in the correct position to feed him even with the help of all the pillows and such.  I didn't realize how much easier it could be until I got home.

The last good thing that happened for me regarding breastfeeding at the hospital was the visit of another lactation consultant on Friday right before I left that helped me get Seth in the correct position and latched on well for a final feeding before going home.  She made it seem so easy and I actually said to myself "I can do this." There were a couple of things that needed fine tuning at that point and I was able to identify those and work more on positioning of Seth once I got home.  I also was reminded that if I massage my breast before I feed him, the milk will be closer to the surface and will take less work on his part. This became very important for my tiny lazy/chilled baby who really wasn't interested in working for anything, especially for the first week or so.

After coming home Friday I kept trying to feed him and things were going okay. My milk came in Friday night and I was quite glad it did. I then knew he was actually getting something because I would often leak when feeding him or trying to get him to latch on. He got in the habit of licking the milk off and not wanting to suck.  I called that lazy baby syndrome. Seth was just so relaxed all of the time and he didn't realize he was hungry. I started pumping, just until let down so that he wouldn't have to work as hard for the milk until he got the hang of latching on.  I think he wanted immediate gratification for his work and that doesn't happen with breastfeeding.  He had lost weight down to 6lb 3oz at the hospital and I knew he'd have another weight check on Sunday 11/18 to see if he was getting enough to eat. 

Saturday 11/17 and into Saturday night was probably the hardest time for us as far as feeding goes. At some point Saturday I knew he was so hungry, but he just wouldn't stay latched on. He would get on, suck once and then pull off crying. I couldn't figure out what was wrong except that he was pretty gassy. And we both cried together. This lasted all night long, so he didn't eat very much. I was googling things on my phone trying to figure out what could be the problem and what I could do to fix it.  I was an emotional mess, crying most of the night and just trying anything I could to get him to latch on to no avail, including gas drops and burping him. At some time in the middle of the night I found an article that said I could be too full for him to latch on so I pumped some and tried that. It didn't work.

Sunday morning I got up, helped BJ get the kids to church and then took a nap while he napped for a bit.  Then I tried to feed him.  At this point the feeding process was so unpredictable.  I never knew how long it would take him to latch on or how long he would stay on. It was quite emotionally draining. So after he finally latched on and was eating, I had to interrupt his meal to go to the hospital for a weight check. At that point he weighed 5 lb 15 oz and the nurses were concerned. So they asked that I supplement with formula. And I cried. I felt like a failure. Like I couldn't do something that should be so easy. And I cried on the way to the grocery store to buy formula. And I cried while I was checking out. That afternoon he ate some, and then proceeded to spit up all he'd just eaten, or so it seemed. And then my mom tried to feed him some formula with a bottle.  I am pretty sure he wore more than he actually ate, but we were doing what we were told to do. I was sure he was going to die and was dehydrated and would never eat (yes, thanks to my lovely hormones 4 days after giving birth). We did determine by feeding him a bottle, that he just doesn't like to continue sucking and he has to be prompted the entire time.  To see this happening with formula and not just with my milk helped me feel better and realize it was just a learning curve for him and that it wasn't me that he didn't like, but just sucking in general for his food. And my mom convinced me that the weight at the hospital was not really a good number since he'd had a horrible night just before and didn't finish his feeding before I had to leave for the hospital.  

The nurse on Sunday also wanted me to make an appointment with the pediatrician for the next few days to check on the weight before the Thanksgiving holiday. I got him in on Tuesday where the pediatrician told me he weighed 6 lbs 5 oz and was on the up swing. She also told me that I didn't need to supplement if I didn't want to (music to my ears) and that I should feed him every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4 at night. No one had told me at the hospital or otherwise how often to feed him so before this, I was kinda guessing based on how he was acting and honestly, what I felt like doing. If I was tired and he was sleeping most of the time I didn't feel like waking him up and going through the struggle of latching on to get him to eat for 2-3 minutes before falling asleep again. If I would have given up on breastfeeding, it would have been some time between day 4 and day 6 when I made it back to the pediatrician and once again felt like I could handle this.  

At that point, I fed him on demand and wasn't too worried about him eating if he was falling asleep on me. He would eat when he was hungry (according to numerous friends) and wouldn't die. So I trusted that and went on with life.  There were moments I felt like breastfeeding was my entire purpose every day, all day long. And that was frustrating.  I think one of the things I did that helped me through the first few weeks was I started feeding him downstairs with the family. At first the kids thought it was weird, especially Daniel, but they'd gotten more comfortable with it over time, so I decided to stop separating myself to feed him.  When you are struggling doing something no one but you can do and you seclude yourself, it is very easy to get depressed or to let yourself get stressed. For me, becoming part of the family again by feeding him in the living room with the kids and hubby around helped a lot. The kids learned to ignore me mostly, but I could talk to them or watch TV with the family and not feel like I was facing the struggle so much alone. I don't just feed him in the middle of the store or anything like that, but at my house, I feel comfortable feeding him in the living room (assuming there are no visitors around) and I feel more like a member of the family that way.

I'm not sure when I turned into a "professional breast feeding mom" (as my sister now calls me) but somewhere along the road (in the last week) Seth just started getting how to latch on quickly. I was ecstatic when I woke up, changed him, fed him and was back in bed in 25 minutes.  This felt like a major success compared to the 1-2 hours it originally took. It isn't a struggle and I don't need the perfect place, with the perfect position or the perfect Boppy pillow. It makes life so much easier.  I pretty much can feed him in any room or situation and he can latch on good in any circumstance. Wednesday 11/28 Seth had his 2 week check up and he is now a whopping 7 pounds. So we are on the up hill swing and I can definitely do this for another 5.5 months to reach my goal of 6 months. 

I won't deny that there were some hard days, but I definitely feel like it was worth it.  My baby boy is gaining some chunkiness and I love it.  Breastfed babies are so cute!

This post wouldn't be complete without a big thank you to BJ who has been so wonderful through this all. He gets me whatever I need when I'm feeding and is just generally there for me. Next week he goes back to work and I'm going to have to actually remember everything I need before I start feeding Seth. 

Also, my friend Shannon recommended I get the Total Baby app for my phone and I love it. It tracks feedings including a timer and which side he ate on last as well as diaper changes and sleep. It is my lifeline right now and helps me know when to expect to feed Seth again and what I can schedule in between. 

Lastly, we are on some kind of schedule I think as far as night time feedings go. He eats pretty good between 9:30 and 11 (depending on the day) and then sleeps for 5 hours, eats again and then sleeps until 7 or so.  I am loving having only one night time feeding at 17 days old. It isn't always consistent, but for the most part we are making this work.