Breastfeeding

So besides the "is he always awake?" question, the second most common question I get is "Are you nursing/breastfeeding him?" (On a totally separate note, is it more politically correct/less embarrassing to say nursing instead of breastfeeding? It totally doesn't bother me to say breastfeeding at all, but I guess it bothers some people.)

I've decided to do a post about my breastfeeding journey so far.  I was surprised to hear a friend say that no one told her it would be difficult to breastfeed, which gives me even more reason to write about this topic. I guess if you think about it, breastfeeding is a very natural thing and our bodies are made to breastfeed, so it should be easy, right? Well not necessarily. And I knew that full well going into this.  I was asked at my first prenatal doctor's appointment if I would be breastfeeding and my answer has always been I'd like to and I'll try to. My doctor was happy with that. Actually the two things I wanted to do concerning my labor/delivery and this baby was go without an epidural (which I failed at) and breastfeed (which I have managed to get the hang of over the past few weeks). Obviously if you are offended by breastfeeding or related topics, you probably shouldn't read this post. I want to share my experiences to help other young moms that think they can't do this or that it is impossible.

I went into this decision to breastfeed knowing it could be difficult and quite honestly, that I may decide it was too hard for me. I had a few friends/acquaintances who tried for about 3-4 days to breastfeed and then gave up at that point. I totally understand that, because my roughest time was probably the night of day 4 after he was born. Ok, let me go back to the beginning at the hospital.

First off, shortly after Seth was born they gave him to me to try and breastfeed him.  He wouldn't latch on well.  I tried for about an hour to get him to nurse and didn't get him latched on once during that time.  I was still on an emotional high (I had just had my son who I prayed for so desperately for so long), so I didn't let myself get disappointed or stressed, but just figured he would get it eventually.

When we were moved to the mother/child room / postpartum room, my day nurse for the first few hours happened to be a lactation consultant who helped me try and get him to feed. After about 20 minutes I learned a few things. 1. He wasn't opening his mouth wide enough to get a good latch. 2. He just wasn't ready at that point to breastfeed. I think that because he was so small, it was harder for him to latch on and to see the value in that at least initially.  But I kept trying for the next few days at the hospital.  On day two he finally latched on and ate for a good 20 minutes and I felt like I had conquered the world. After that, each time he would be hungry or every 3-4 hours when I was awake I tried to get him to latch on and eat. Some times it was successful and sometimes it wasn't. And I was okay with that.  It's really amazing to me that with my natural tendency to desperately strive to succeed at everything and how much I hate failing, that I still had hope this would work out for me.

On a side note, I think a hospital bed is the most non-breastfeeding friendly place.  The bed doesn't allow you to sit up totally straight and it was quite honestly very hard to get Seth in the correct position to feed him even with the help of all the pillows and such.  I didn't realize how much easier it could be until I got home.

The last good thing that happened for me regarding breastfeeding at the hospital was the visit of another lactation consultant on Friday right before I left that helped me get Seth in the correct position and latched on well for a final feeding before going home.  She made it seem so easy and I actually said to myself "I can do this." There were a couple of things that needed fine tuning at that point and I was able to identify those and work more on positioning of Seth once I got home.  I also was reminded that if I massage my breast before I feed him, the milk will be closer to the surface and will take less work on his part. This became very important for my tiny lazy/chilled baby who really wasn't interested in working for anything, especially for the first week or so.

After coming home Friday I kept trying to feed him and things were going okay. My milk came in Friday night and I was quite glad it did. I then knew he was actually getting something because I would often leak when feeding him or trying to get him to latch on. He got in the habit of licking the milk off and not wanting to suck.  I called that lazy baby syndrome. Seth was just so relaxed all of the time and he didn't realize he was hungry. I started pumping, just until let down so that he wouldn't have to work as hard for the milk until he got the hang of latching on.  I think he wanted immediate gratification for his work and that doesn't happen with breastfeeding.  He had lost weight down to 6lb 3oz at the hospital and I knew he'd have another weight check on Sunday 11/18 to see if he was getting enough to eat. 

Saturday 11/17 and into Saturday night was probably the hardest time for us as far as feeding goes. At some point Saturday I knew he was so hungry, but he just wouldn't stay latched on. He would get on, suck once and then pull off crying. I couldn't figure out what was wrong except that he was pretty gassy. And we both cried together. This lasted all night long, so he didn't eat very much. I was googling things on my phone trying to figure out what could be the problem and what I could do to fix it.  I was an emotional mess, crying most of the night and just trying anything I could to get him to latch on to no avail, including gas drops and burping him. At some time in the middle of the night I found an article that said I could be too full for him to latch on so I pumped some and tried that. It didn't work.

Sunday morning I got up, helped BJ get the kids to church and then took a nap while he napped for a bit.  Then I tried to feed him.  At this point the feeding process was so unpredictable.  I never knew how long it would take him to latch on or how long he would stay on. It was quite emotionally draining. So after he finally latched on and was eating, I had to interrupt his meal to go to the hospital for a weight check. At that point he weighed 5 lb 15 oz and the nurses were concerned. So they asked that I supplement with formula. And I cried. I felt like a failure. Like I couldn't do something that should be so easy. And I cried on the way to the grocery store to buy formula. And I cried while I was checking out. That afternoon he ate some, and then proceeded to spit up all he'd just eaten, or so it seemed. And then my mom tried to feed him some formula with a bottle.  I am pretty sure he wore more than he actually ate, but we were doing what we were told to do. I was sure he was going to die and was dehydrated and would never eat (yes, thanks to my lovely hormones 4 days after giving birth). We did determine by feeding him a bottle, that he just doesn't like to continue sucking and he has to be prompted the entire time.  To see this happening with formula and not just with my milk helped me feel better and realize it was just a learning curve for him and that it wasn't me that he didn't like, but just sucking in general for his food. And my mom convinced me that the weight at the hospital was not really a good number since he'd had a horrible night just before and didn't finish his feeding before I had to leave for the hospital.  

The nurse on Sunday also wanted me to make an appointment with the pediatrician for the next few days to check on the weight before the Thanksgiving holiday. I got him in on Tuesday where the pediatrician told me he weighed 6 lbs 5 oz and was on the up swing. She also told me that I didn't need to supplement if I didn't want to (music to my ears) and that I should feed him every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4 at night. No one had told me at the hospital or otherwise how often to feed him so before this, I was kinda guessing based on how he was acting and honestly, what I felt like doing. If I was tired and he was sleeping most of the time I didn't feel like waking him up and going through the struggle of latching on to get him to eat for 2-3 minutes before falling asleep again. If I would have given up on breastfeeding, it would have been some time between day 4 and day 6 when I made it back to the pediatrician and once again felt like I could handle this.  

At that point, I fed him on demand and wasn't too worried about him eating if he was falling asleep on me. He would eat when he was hungry (according to numerous friends) and wouldn't die. So I trusted that and went on with life.  There were moments I felt like breastfeeding was my entire purpose every day, all day long. And that was frustrating.  I think one of the things I did that helped me through the first few weeks was I started feeding him downstairs with the family. At first the kids thought it was weird, especially Daniel, but they'd gotten more comfortable with it over time, so I decided to stop separating myself to feed him.  When you are struggling doing something no one but you can do and you seclude yourself, it is very easy to get depressed or to let yourself get stressed. For me, becoming part of the family again by feeding him in the living room with the kids and hubby around helped a lot. The kids learned to ignore me mostly, but I could talk to them or watch TV with the family and not feel like I was facing the struggle so much alone. I don't just feed him in the middle of the store or anything like that, but at my house, I feel comfortable feeding him in the living room (assuming there are no visitors around) and I feel more like a member of the family that way.

I'm not sure when I turned into a "professional breast feeding mom" (as my sister now calls me) but somewhere along the road (in the last week) Seth just started getting how to latch on quickly. I was ecstatic when I woke up, changed him, fed him and was back in bed in 25 minutes.  This felt like a major success compared to the 1-2 hours it originally took. It isn't a struggle and I don't need the perfect place, with the perfect position or the perfect Boppy pillow. It makes life so much easier.  I pretty much can feed him in any room or situation and he can latch on good in any circumstance. Wednesday 11/28 Seth had his 2 week check up and he is now a whopping 7 pounds. So we are on the up hill swing and I can definitely do this for another 5.5 months to reach my goal of 6 months. 

I won't deny that there were some hard days, but I definitely feel like it was worth it.  My baby boy is gaining some chunkiness and I love it.  Breastfed babies are so cute!

This post wouldn't be complete without a big thank you to BJ who has been so wonderful through this all. He gets me whatever I need when I'm feeding and is just generally there for me. Next week he goes back to work and I'm going to have to actually remember everything I need before I start feeding Seth. 

Also, my friend Shannon recommended I get the Total Baby app for my phone and I love it. It tracks feedings including a timer and which side he ate on last as well as diaper changes and sleep. It is my lifeline right now and helps me know when to expect to feed Seth again and what I can schedule in between. 

Lastly, we are on some kind of schedule I think as far as night time feedings go. He eats pretty good between 9:30 and 11 (depending on the day) and then sleeps for 5 hours, eats again and then sleeps until 7 or so.  I am loving having only one night time feeding at 17 days old. It isn't always consistent, but for the most part we are making this work.