Shhh...they're sleeping.

I have heard of moms who just love taking pictures of their kids sleeping. I have never really been one of those people. Actually, I have very few pictures of the kids sleeping. So just because, tonight I went upstairs and took pictures of each of the kids sleeping. With a flash. And only Haley even slightly was disturbed by the light.

Usually Haley starts the night sleeping on her back with no less than 5 stuffed animals very carefully placed around her head. She also usually comments on being hot but WILL NOT let us turn the ceiling fan on.

Daniel is soooo hot when he sleeps. He usually wakes up dripping wet and his hair is always crazy. I recently took his comforter and blanket off of his bed because he insisted on getting under them even when he was hot. So now, I think he is not sweating quite as much. He does usually wake up with his sheet in all kinds of knots and twists. I have no idea how he does that.

Katelynn is probably the most normal of my sleepers. She usually sleeps with one stuffed animal. Which one it is changes daily. She does usually talk in her sleep and about once a week she comes and wakes me up to put her sheets and comforter back on her bed.

Seth pretty much sleeps just like this. He can roll over if he wants to, but hasn't started doing this in his sleep yet.  Usually when he gets real good and asleep, he will lose the pacifier, and keep on sleeping. He likes to lift his legs up while he is sleeping and slam them back on the mattress. I think he likes the sound it makes. Tonight when I put him down, he didn't even cry or whimper but went straight to sleep. He must have been tired tonight.

Happy 6 Months, Seth!

At your 6 month checkup, you weighed in at 16 pounds 1 oz, were 25 inches long and have a 17.25 inch head. That puts your percentiles at about 20, 5 and 50 respectively. So relatively you have a large head, but besides that, the doctor said everything looks great and we don't have to go back until your 9 month check up.

You wear size 3-6 months clothes mostly, but can fit some 6-9 months. You wear a size 2 diaper, but not for long. 

You are so much fun at this age.  You can sit up by yourself, but you sometimes get too excited and then fall over. You can rollover from tummy to back and almost all the way from back to tummy.  You have just recently started spinning in circles on your tummy in order to get to whatever you have your eyes set on. I have a feeling you will be on the move soon, so I'd better get at least the outlets covered up.  You are very attentive when you are talked to or sang to and are very social. I can hardly feed you without you being distracted by one of your siblings, or whatever else happens to be going on at the same time. You still don't want to miss a thing and fight your sleep because of this. You are so happy and squeal a lot when you are excited. You also shake your head when you are excited. It looks like you are saying no, but I just think you are shaking it back and forth because it is easier than up and down.

You took your first longer car trip (6 hours to Galveston) and did great! You don't like to nap, but will nap in the car if you are sleepy.  You are sleeping about 11 hours a night which is usually from 7:30 to 6:30. Most nights you only wake up once during that time, but sometimes as often as every 3 hours (or three times).

You are definitely teething. Drooling all the time and chewing on everything. I would say we probably have another month before some little teeth start coming through. But for now, I love your gummy grin. I don't want you to lose your baby-ness by getting teeth.

So far you have only eaten carrots well.  Tomorrow I am making you some more baby food vegetables to give you some more things to try.  You weren't really keen on butternut squash, but you scarfed down your carrots today. I think you are finally getting the eating thing down (moving the food to the back of your mouth and swallowing instead of blowing bubbles or spitting it out). I am hoping that with you eating more real foods, you'll be able to sleep longer without getting up to eat. 

You love music. Being sung to, music on the radio, or being played to, it really doesn't matter. You respond be either watching on with a smile, singing/yelling along, or tapping your hands on your legs to the music. I really hope you got your Mommy and Daddy's musical genes. I can imagine us singing/playing together some day.

You are obsessed with drinks, mainly cans of soda. It doesn't matter who has it or what flavor it is, you stop whatever you are doing and make it very clear that you want some. We let you feel the outside of the can that is cold and wet and you love that. You are also very interested in whatever we are eating. Often times, if you aren't happy in your high chair, I sit at the table sideways so you can see the family and I can eat my food, but you are unable to grab anything from the table.

You grab everything and definitely have a grip. Right now your favorites are necklaces, hair and glasses. 

You have moved on from your activity mat to your Jumparoo. You love being able to stand up in it and see everything that is going on.  The toys can keep you entertained for a while too, sometimes.  You also really like your swing, at least more than when you were smaller. You like us to set it on a higher setting. Maybe someday, you will be my roller coaster partners. The other kids only like them in order to be able to do things with me (or that's what I am noticing, but that could change too).

Your brothers and sisters are still smitten with you.  You have a lot of family that loves you so much. God has really blessed us with you!

I know that God has great things in store for you as you grow up learning how to love him best and how to serve him. I pray that God will have your heart from a very young age and you will serve him full force, never looking back.

I love you so much and am so proud to be your mother. Stop growing so quickly! I am going to miss these days of you being so small and cuddly.

-Mommy

Day 7 - Passion for the Lord

I know it has been a long time since I started this, but I really do like to finish what I start, so I figured I would do some of these in between other things. When I looked back at the list, I was excited about today's prayer for our kids.

Passion - a strong, compelling emotion or feeling.

Because our relationship with God is such a personal thing, it is really hard as a parent to know how serious your kids are about God or how much of what you are teaching them is really sinking in and leading them to love God. All you can see or measure is their lives. And honestly, kids are rebellious. All of us have sinful tendencies until we ask God to help us and we become new creations in him. I can't make them love God and can't make them be passionate about serving him or choosing to live to please him. I can show them what it is like to live for God and I can teach them that God loves them and is faithful to help them and strengthen, but I can't make them passionate. That's where God comes in. He has to give them hunger and passion to pursue him and love him.

God, I pray that you will just love on my kids today. Show them how real you are and that your love for them doesn't change based on whether they make good or bad choices that day. Help them to see that living for you is worth giving up their own ways for your ways. I pray that your love for them and theirs for you will grow each day and they will fall in love with you more every day.  God, show yourself to be faithful and loving and true to them so they know that they can trust you. I pray that you will lead them in your ways and grow them up to be the men and women of God you intended them to be. God, protect them from the distractions the devil will try to throw at them and help them to be single focused on serving you so much that nothing else in this world matters to them but you.

Just for the record

This may not exactly be the most exciting post, but for the sake of keeping records, I want to record somethings about Seth and his schedule/how he is doing.

When I started this journey of nursing Seth, my goal was to make it to 6 months. Well we have made it past that and now I am shooting for a year.  Once we got the hang of things, it's really been relatively easy. In some ways it is very convenient feed him when he gets hungry and I am with him.  He is down to taking 3-4 minutes a side which is soooo nice! Feeding him used to consume my day (or at least felt that way), but we pretty much have this down to a science. The downside of exclusively breastfeeding is the pumping. It gets old. Fast. I was mostly excited about my 4 day trip to Galveston last weekend because I would have Seth with me and wouldn't have to pump. I think we can make it to a year pretty easily. Assuming he cooperates. The hardest part is behind us.

We are feeding him some baby food (about 2 tablespoons 5 times a week) but he isn't totally interested yet. He's getting better but really likes to eat with both hands and the spoon in his mouth. Yeah, he's a mess. But at least its a cute mess. Last night I had to give him a bath after dinner. Which by the way, he loves. 

My mom has been giving him a bath every Wednesday (just so he has a schedule) and I've been bathing him when needed between those baths. He just splashes and loves being in the bath tub. He is big enough now that he can sit up and have fun without him being so wet and slippery like little babies are.

Back to food. He likes to eat puffs, sometimes. We are going to try the baby oatmeal. He never really took to rice cereal. I think it was a consistency thing.  So far I have been making all of his baby food. He's only had carrots and squash and prefers carrots out of those two. This coming up long weekend I have plans to make and freeze some different veggies like avocado, sweet potatoes, green beans, peas and zucchini. I also plan to buy some all natural applesauce to start feeding him. I've been delaying the fruits mostly because I want him to like veggies and have been told once you give him fruit, he'll prefer it because it is sweeter.

No teeth yet, but I do believe he is teething some. I don't know how long that process usually lasts, but maybe we'll have teeth in the next month or so.

Tonight was night two of letting him go to sleep on his own/crying it out. We got home from church at about 9, so the timing was different altogether from yesterday. I was concerned it wouldn't work. We got home, I put his pajamas on and then laid him in his bed while the older kids were still getting ready for bed. He cried for probably less than a minute and then was asleep before we finished Bible Time with the kids. This is going way too well and he is making this way too easy. I'm sure it won't always be this way, but for now, it couldn't be going better really.

Tomorrow is his 6 month appointment with shots, so I'll update some cute things he's doing and stats after that appointment. I am praying for a good report about his growth. I kind of dread going to these appointments and actually never made the last appointment (which was just a weight check). It just seemed silly to keep going back for them to tell me how much he weighed and that they weren't happy when I think he's happy, healthy and fine. I know they are just doing their job, but it seems a little overboard if you ask me. Last time he got shots he cried through them and then was fine. He just slept more that day, so I am praying for much of the same. Thank God for a generally easy baby! He is such a blessing!!

Super Mom

With my new perspective on life (which is primarily God teaching me to chill out some and trust him more to take care of things instead of stressing about them), I really feel like I am getting a lot done as a mom and wife. And it feels good.

Life is still busy, but I really feel like I am getting to have quality time and conversations with my kids and not just rushing to the next event I can check off of my list. I love my kids and husband so much and am just glad we get to be together. I love having a house full of activity and I love their energy (even though it has taken some getting used to). Seth is such a perfect fit for our family. His siblings love him so much and he brings so much joy to our house. They are all really good at making him smile and laugh and he just loves it when anyone talks or sings to him.

A couple of weeks ago in Sunday School I said something about how we always see that person who has it all together and we start to compare ourselves to them.  I nearly fell out of my chair when one of the "students" said that's what she thought about me.  To set the record straight, I do not have it all together, but it did feel good to know I have someone fooled. Ha! It did make me look at my life a little differently. I can be a little frazzled, but for the most part, things in my life are pretty organized and I feel like I have a handle on it (with God's help, of course.) Nothing right now is so overwhelming it is unmanageable. Without someone telling me I'm doing good, I tend to only see what is wrong and needs fixing.

On a little rabbit trail, I read the other day something about comparing ourselves to others that really made sense to me.  Comparing is never a good thing because it either leads us to be critical of others and prideful that we are better or feel worthless about ourselves because we don't have it all together as others appear to.  Really good book I am reading. It's called "You're Already Amazing" by Holley Berth. (If you keep up with me on facebook, this would make 4 books I am reading at once. Crazy and so unlike me, but they are all really good.)

Today I am feeling a little super momish, but only because I have a super God and super kids. God has just blessed me so much! Now onto the kids, which is really what you all want to know about anyways, right? 

Tonight I put Seth to bed to "cry it out" for the first time and he did so well. At first, he was just happily laying in his bed. He did cry for about 4-5 minutes, but before I got a chance to go check on him and reassure him, he was out like a light. And that was at about 7:30. I expect he'll wake up here soon to eat one last time before his long stretch of sleep. I am so grateful he did so well. I haven't really pushed him to go to sleep by himself before for a few reasons. 1. It wasn't my priority. 2. He and Katelynn share a room, so I have to plan to put him to sleep before her with enough time for him to be out before she went to bed. With tax season and other things, by the time I get home and we do supper, there just hasn't been time for that.  But I did it tonight and Seth made it really easy on me. See, I do have super kids. I will do Seth's 6 month post later this week after his has his 6 month appointment Thursday morning so I can have the most recent stats on his weight and height.

Haley is really growing up. She is such a helpful girl and really wants to do the right thing most of the time. She is so loving and isn't afraid to show it by showering me with hugs. And not fake hugs, but the real, tight, ones you can feel to your very soul.  She likes to use big words to make her sound important, but she uses them incorrectly and leaves me guessing what she is trying to say. It can be pretty funny.

Daniel is such a sweet guy. Every day when he gets out of the car at school, he makes sure to blow me a kiss. I don't know when or why this started but I love it. He is so sweet with his brother and loves when Seth lights up from him talking to him.  Today Seth was throwing a fit because I wasn't holding him (Seth is pretty clingy to me after I get home from work) so I gave him to Daniel to occupy. Seth continued to cry while I was cleaning the table, and I know Daniel wanted to fix it and couldn't, but he was just so patient with him through the screaming. Today when I put Seth to bed and he was crying Daniel immediately ran up to comfort him. I had to stop him and tell him that Seth needed to learn he was safe and he could self soothe and put himself to sleep.  Daniel didn't like it one bit that we were just letting him cry. Thankfully, it didn't last long. He takes his job as a big brother very seriously and just loves Seth to pieces.

 Katelynn is really growing up so quickly. She is reading really well for her age and we are really hoping she is getting a firm foundation for her future years in school. My baby girl is getting to be a young lady. She has recently made up her own language. Seriously. Some day she will publish a dictionary of words she has made up for things. The funny thing is that when she calls something a weird made up name, Daniel and Haley go along with it. Like the adults who don't have a clue what she is talking about are the ones who are the outsiders.

Having kids has definitely taught me to laugh at myself and at life in general more and not be so stiff and rigid about everything.

BJ is working on updating my blog and I am so excited! Soon!

Ok, so its off to bed for the night. I hope you've enjoyed my ramblings.

The Gift of Hunger

Without it we would never pursue.
Without it we would never leave what is comfortable and step out to attain a goal.
Without it we would never eat.
Without it we would die.

Matthew 5:6 
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

 Psalm 107:9
 For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

In my head and heart I want to be hungry for God and to pursue him, but if I'm being honest, there are days when I'd rather just survive. It's easier to just stay status quo than to pursue God.

Seth is a pretty happy content baby for the most part. But when he is hungry you had better watch out. He knows exactly what he wants and is not satisfied with a bottle of water or a pacifier or his fingers. Nothing satisfies him except his milk. Nothing.  You can distract him and make him forget his hungry for a little while, sometimes, but he will not be totally happy and content until he is fed.

And I wonder, am I that hungry for God? Or am I easily distracted and forget all together what I was hungry for?

Right now, it is hard to get in my time with God. I always make time for him, at least on a minimal level, but it isn't what I really want. I want more. I want time for more. We've all heard that you make time for what is important to you. And I know that, but find myself at the end of the day just wanting to go to bed. Or falling asleep on the couch before I get my Bible read. So I get up, rush through my time with God and head to bed. It isn't the best situation and I know that.

I am not a morning person. Have never been. I get up as late as possible to get myself totally ready before I get the kids up for school. We pray together on the way to school in the car, but that is more for their sake then mine. Or at least that is how I feel. And we listen to worship music and open ourselves up for God to speak. I know that we all have better days if we at least do that. It gets our attitudes in the right place and allows God to speak to us throughout the day.

I've tried spending time with God in the morning more times than I can even remember or dare to count, but it always fails. Now I have the additional distraction of Seth in the mornings. I never really know when he will wake up hungry or disturb my routine. He's like a ticking time bomb about to explode. If he could be more consistent with his sleeping/waking pattern, that would help some.

All that to say, I know I could do better. I know God wants more from me. I just have to find a better way to make this all work for me and the new normal with 4 kids. 

If you never eat, you never get hungry.  Your body goes into starvation mode and starts eating at your muscles. So I know that no matter what, even though I am not where I need to be right now (and I think God understands that) no matter how small it seems I have to have my time with God each day or it will get harder and harder to be hungry for him. Deep down I know that I need him, but my mental and physical exhaustion just makes it hard for me to pursue him like I want to right now.

Hunger comes from God, so I need to ask him to place hunger for his ways in me. 

Deuteronomy 8:3

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.

Hunger requires that I admit I can't do things on my own and I need God.  Like the Israelites in the wilderness.  Sometimes God allows me to go through valleys and struggles to show me that he is still God and until I realize I need him, he is unable to take care of me. He is teaching me to depend on him. Teaching me to hunger after and desire him.

God give me hunger, desire to pursue you like I should. That everything else will become secondary to my need for you.

Because that really is what I want, even if my decisions haven't truly reflected that lately.

For Us, With Us, In Us

Today was really a great day at church. God's presence was so awesome!  

One of the things God spoke to us just really stuck with me. God wants to move for us, with us and in us. To some this may just be a way to repeat the same thought for emphasis, but for me it was an eye opener.

For us - Brings me back to the song "You Are For Me" by Kari Jobe. (Okay a lot of things in my life bring me back to Kari's songs right now. It's not that she is anything other than a vessel, but God is really using her to speak to me at this time in my life.) God is working for our good. On our side. He has our back and the result of God's working for us is not disappointment or dissatisfaction, but just the opposite. When God is on our side fighting for us, there is victory and encouragement and the strength to go on, even when our current state feels like we are wading through the mud.  And when we feel lonely, God is still on our side and he won't back down or change his mind.   Because we are his chosen people, created for his purpose, and it is his pleasure to work for us.

With us - Often times we feel like we are so insignificant and that God doesn't really need us to get his purposes fulfilled. And he doesn't. Because he is God. And yet he desires to work with us. Not in a master-slave kind of relationship, where we are forced to do things against our will, but in a fellowship with us. As a part of his plan for us. God created us because he wanted to have relationship with us. Not as a dictator and lowly subject, but as a friend. I am not understating the awesomeness of God or making myself equal to God at all, but God wants to work with us, side by side, in unison to accomplish his great plan. God chooses to use us so we will grow closer to him. He delights in taking us along side him to teach us his ways and to build relationship with him. So we can trust him more and he can trust us more. The Holy Spirit is described as one who comes along side and that is exactly what God was saying. He will come and move and work with us, if we will just have our spiritual ears open to hear and learn from him and obey him. When God is with us, we are being taught how he works and being shown his ways.

In us -
He's still working on me. 
To make me what I ought to be...
How loving and patient he must be. 
He's still working on me.

That's why I am glad that not only is God working for our benefit, and with us to accomplish his purpose, but in us.  Because we are a mess, or at least I am. I have been a Christian for almost 25 years and I have certainly not arrived yet. This is a journey and every day I strive to be more Christlike and to let God show me where I fail him and strength to allow him to do some remodeling in me. Allowing God to change me is hard. Today Pastor said "it isn't easy being broken" and that is exactly what it takes for God to mold me into the image of his son and to make me perfectly fit for the plan he has for me. I have to continually have my way and my plans broken and replaced with God's perfect plan and his perfect ways. God working in us doesn't meant he's trying to make us all the same, like clones with the same personalities and abilities. On the contrary God is molding me to be the best me, the way he intended me to be for His glory. And you to be the best you. That is what is so awesome about God. He moves in us so we can fulfill the job he has created us for.

God is moving. For us. With Us. In Us. If we let him. He won't force us to change anything or do anything. But I want God's way. I've tried my own way for far too long. And it always ends in failure and disappointment. But his way is perfect and to me, its worth the pain of being renovated from the inside out.

Around the Mountain

So many people are a victim of their own "stinkin' thinkin'". I am currently going through Joyce Meyers' The Battlefield of the Mind and God has really opened up my eyes to the torture we put ourselves through, especially women, because of the thoughts we let permeate in our minds that the devil sent to destroy us. We listen to them long enough and repeat them to ourselves and eventually believe negative things about our ability to be good moms and friends and such. And we feel hopeless all because of a lie the devil told us and we begin to believe, we get stuck in a vicious cycle.

Just like the Israelites. In Deuteronomy 1:2 we see that the Israelites wondered

In the desert for 40 years on a trip that should have taken 11 days. All because of the thoughts they allowed themselves to become the victims of. Wallowing in sorrow and self-pity, complaining the whole way, dragging their feet and whining as God was leading them to the promised land. 

We waste so much time when we are losing the spiritual battle in our thoughts by entertaining and dwelling on lies. Just like God said in verse 6 of the same chapter, we have been going around the same mountain long enough. God is waiting for his people to stand up to the devils lies and start winning back our thoughts and minds. We have to break those bad habits and let our minds be renewed by God's word on a daily basis.

So we can be the victors and no longer victims.

Free and no longer bound by our thoughts.

All that God has planned for us to be and do starts with us taking back our minds and living according to what He says about us and not the lies we've let control us for years.

Healer of my Scars

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart 
 
I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan
And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart 

So this morning God was speaking to me, again, through this song by Kari Jobe which is called Steady My Heart. The line that I couldn't let go of described Jesus as the "Healer of my scars."

In our natural mind this is an oxymoron, contradictory, does not compute.

Because scars are the permanent reminder of a past hurt. Permanent. Like writing on paper with a sharpie. Not going away. Yes, scars fade over time, but never really disappear.

Often we pray for God to heal the hurt in our hearts and he does (Thank you, God!), but we don't really think about the scars that are left behind. We get used to our scars. They don't hurt any more and we just accept them as a part of who we are. Like the small scar I have on the corner of my eye from when I was little. No one really notices it, but I know its there. So why does God want to heal the scars? Or does he? This is, after all, not a scripture but just a writers interpretation of what God can do.

The definition of being healed is to be brought back to original purity. As if it never happened. God's desire is for us to be whole, complete, pure, free from the past and healing our scars is a part of his plan. There is a difference between having a scar and remembering the pain that caused the scar.  The struggles, the pain, and the victory over that is what grows us and matures us.  We don't have to relive the pain, but we can never return to life like it was before that.  Because the struggle made us stronger and we don't want to go back to being weak and vulnerable to the devil's attacks again.  So we must let God heal the scars and hurts and learn to forgive and move forward, stronger than before, in God's strength and not our own.

One Desire

Kari Jobe is my BFF. Seriously!  Every morning and afternoon on the way to and from work (and sometimes during the day) her and I share a special time with God in the car (or at my desk), singing praises to him. We are really close. I am convinced it is a God thing, but the way she says things in her songs is exactly how I would say them. The phrasing and melodies comes so naturally to me.  I got a new Kari Jobe CD for Mother's Day (thanks to BJ and the kids) and I just love it. My new favorite song is One Desire.

In Your presence Lord
I will find my strength
You're the breath in me
You're my everything
With my heart bowed low
And my hands held high
All consuming fire
You're my one desire.

I am praying for a great week. I know that my trip to Galveston this weekend isn't intended to be a time of anything more than relaxation, but I am praying for a time where God can really speak to me and I can be free from the stress of life and just enjoy Him. Just hear him clearly as he leads me into his perfect plan for this season of my life.  Because that doesn't take a great church service or a multitude of people or anything other than just He and I. 

Sunday Thoughts

I'm sitting here waiting on my clothes to be done in the drier so I can go to bed. I absolutely hate ironing. Hate it.  So I try my hardest to be around when the drier stops so I can quickly get the clothes out and hang them up to avoid them being wrinkled. Isn't that such a mom thing to do on Mother's Day? Laundry. Ha!

So while I'm waiting I figured I'd blog.

This weekend was full in the best way possible. Yesterday morning we had a Ladies Brunch at the church. DeAnn did a great job speaking about us as mother's being the shepherds or co-shepherds of our families. And I think I have found a new favorite verse for mothers:

Isaiah 8:18 Here am I, and the children the LORD has given me. We are signs and symbols in Israel from the LORD Almighty, who dwells on Mount Zion.

How awesome is it that God allows me and my children to be a sign from God to those around us? The way we raise our kids can show others who He is.  For me, I pray my life and the lives of my kids show that God is faithful.

DeAnn referred to my story while she was preaching and it made me think. (Well first it made me feel weird. You know, like every one was starting at me.)  I've always prayed that God would use my struggles to show who he is and to show others what God will do if you just stayed faithful to him through the struggles. She said something about understanding the hurt and knowing that if I would just hold on, God would bring something awesome. I've always known others were praying, but never really knew the faith others had for me or the way people saw me through it all.  It is very humbling. It's all such a distant memory, but I never want to forget what it feels like to hold on when you see nothing, feel nothing. I don't want to forget the pain. But more than that, I don't ever want to forget that when God does things, he goes beyond what you were even dreaming or hoping for. Amazing things happen when you just believe that God knows what he is doing and put your trust in him.

Yesterday, we went and bought a new washer and drier which will be delivered on Tuesday evening. I am pretty excited to get a bigger washer and drier for my growing family (and by growing I mean from 2 to 5 and now 6. And as the kids get bigger, the clothes get bigger, the more room needed in the washer and drier.)

On Wednesday I am heading to Galveston for a little vacation on the beach with Seth and some ladies from work.  I am kind of nervous about traveling with Seth, but I'm sure he'll do great. I am looking forward to sleeping in (which is more like going back to sleep after Seth's 7am feeding than truely sleeping in) and doing nothing much. We are going shopping some and will play some games and just generally chill.  I was telling the ladies I am honestly totally happy with just sitting around at the beach house with Seth if they want to go do something that wouldn't be so easy with Seth. It'll be nice to be away from work, but I'm sure I'll miss my husband and the rest of the kids. I really feel like I need to be there for my kids, but it is only a few days and BJ and the grandparents will do great with them.  I hope I pack everything I need for Seth and I for a few days. And if not, there is a Walmart in town and I can go grab what I need or forget.  I still need to pack. Haven't really thought about it yet.  Yeah, I always pack at least semi-last minute.

Getting Up

I know my last two posts were kinda downers. Not typical of me (or at least not in my posts lately) but it happens. I had some concerned friends who contacted me to make sure I was okay and I am. We all have our moments where we get down, but don't worry. I don't stay down for long. It isn't worth the energy, honestly. I am brutally honest on this blog and when I need to vent, I often do it here.  Not necessarily so I can get help or comments, but just because I feel better after I've processed what is going on through writing it out.  I do edit my posts when I am in a more somber or angry mood because I don't want this to turn into a place where I vent ALL the dirty laundry and in turn people get mad at me.  There are some details that are not anyone's business and I don't want this to turn into a gossip column. (Although I'd probably get more readers that way. My last post, which was relatively negative, had the most viewers of all my recent post.)

My best friend and I are starting The Battlefield of the Mind By: Joyce Meyers together with the study guide and devotional. We are both really good starters, but not so good at finishing things.  I can't tell you the number of devotionals or group Bible studies I have started and not finished. I always have the best of intentions and start out really excited and motivated, setting up a plan that gets me through the material in record time (did I mention, I am competitive?). Somewhere along the way life happens and I get behind, then I try to catch up which gets overwhelming and when I feel that I am too far behind to ever get done or meet my own standards, I quit. It's really silly how much I've let my own over-zealousness keep me from just enjoying and growing from a Bible study. Instead everything is a competition, everything has goals that are a little too lofty and in the end set myself up for failure. And I hate failure. So I choose to quit rather than face the fact I can't fulfill my own expectations. So, Shay and I are doing this together so we can 1) grow spiritually and 2) keep each other moving forward and not let each other quit. This time when I get off schedule or get behind, which I will, I am going to take my own advice. I won't quit or give up, but I'll get back up and keep going. I'll ask God to forgive me for failing and will forgive myself.

That's the hardest part.  Somehow, we hold ourselves to a higher standard than even God. He forgives us when we fail and yet we won't forgive ourselves. We think we should never mess things up and we should be perfect, that we can be perfect if we just try hard enough. And that's exactly what the devil wants us to believe. That we aren't trying hard enough. That we have a fatal flaw because we can't be perfect. So we have to learn to forgive ourselves, dust ourselves off, get back up and keep on living for Jesus. Whether it be a Bible study we can't finish or anything else God asks of us, when we fail, we have to ask God for forgiveness, believe that he has forgiven us as His word promises, forgive ourselves and get up and keep moving forward. And by the grace of God we will keep moving closer to his side. Because the devil wins when we give up. And we can't let that happen. Ever. We must always get up. Always.

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Today I am having a hard time determining if this open door is an invitation I should accept or just another temptation to ignore.  Let's just say I've been burned in the past and really don't want to go back to being the person I was back then. It wasn't pretty. And just as soon as I come to acceptance of where things are, I face another decision to go back to that or let things be. I really think I'm better off if I say no, but what if I'm missing where I am supposed to be? What if I'm missing where God wants to stretch me?

I long for friendship, but opening myself back up to the wrong person could quickly lead to disaster.  Not because of them or because of me, but because the past is hard to let go of. And I don't want to end up hurt and confused again.

So I wait and pray and hope I get some clarity. I know what I want to do impulsively, but that isn't always what is best for me.  I don't want to lose my peace by jumping into things I shouldn't be involved in.  And I don't want to ignore where God is leading either.

Loving like you'll never get hurt is hard. I want to love fully and completely, but I don't want to blindly set myself up to be broken again. So I hesitate and hold back. I guess I have some forgiveness issues to still work through. Maybe once I'm there I can make a decision. But for now, I think it's best to hold and wait.  And pray. Not necessarily for the decision to be made but for strength to forgive, to stop comparing and to be really whole again before I can move forward.

Processing My Thoughts

I have quite a few random thoughts tonight, so join in me as I process through blogging.

Today God rebuked me for giving up. There are certain things I had been praying for consistently for about 5 years and in the past few months I had kind of forgotten about those things. I guess inside I had prayed fervently for what felt like a long time, but in the end, it just felt like God was going to do what he wanted to and there were other people that could either obey God or not and I really didn't see God ever moving in certain situations. I guess you could say I gave up. And today God showed me that he is still working in that situation and I need to keep praying. 

In the past couple of weeks, our church has started a women's prayer meeting on Thursday nights at 7:30.  I really wish I could go, but I just can't right now.  (So Kim, if you are reading this, and I doubt you are, I'm really sorry I can't support you in this right now. I hope you understand.) I feel that way about a lot of things in life right now. I feel like I am stuck in mom mode.  It's okay. I know this is just a part of life right now, but it doesn't make me feel less guilty about not being able to support things I want to. I also feel the same way as I have to leave during every service as soon as worship is over (or sometimes before) to go and feed Seth.  And inevitably, while I am gone, God speaks or moves in amazing ways and I feel like I missed it. When I get back I ask BJ what happened or what God said and he can't seem to fill me in. I don't like to miss things. I know God understands where I am right now, but I really hate being the odd man out.  Case in point, I didn't even know there was women's prayer and really don't know when it even started, but just that it was on the calendar for May. Yeah, I miss a lot.  And the devil is well aware that this bothers me and so when I let him, he beats me over the head with it.  That isn't often, but I have my moments, like we all do.

For Easter, we got the kids each a new devotional book so they could do their own Bible Time and we could discuss.  They seem to really love it.  I tend to write encouraging notes in books I give my kids, especially when it has to do with my desire for them to love Jesus.  So in Daniel's I wrote something about praying that he becomes a man of God and loves Jesus more every day.  Last week he told me that every day at the beginning or end of his Bible Time, he reads that note. He says he wants to be a man of God and he is really trying to listen when God speaks to him and to make Godly decisions. He also said he wants to teach children's church some day. He's started (on a very small scale) writing out some Bible stories (to be acted out or for puppets I believe) that he can use to "teach other kids about Jesus." I love it! Let me take this moment to thank God for Tristin. He's  a little boy at our church who is Daniel's age and who really loves God and has a call on his life. He has taught Daniel that loving Jesus isn't a sissy thing. I am not discounting the great example B.J. is for Daniel, but I have prayed that God would send someone else who Daniel can relate to on a different level than a parent to a child who can re-enforce what is being taught and lived out at home and for Daniel, right now, that's Tristin.  His life shows Daniel that serving God is a good thing.  I am one proud mom, and Kim (Tristin's mom) should be too.  The world needs more boys and men who will serve God and not leave that to the women and moms of the house.

While we are bragging on Daniel (it must just be his night), he got 5 good behavior marks in a row at school last week and earned himself a Slushy. We are so proud of you. I knew you could do it! It comes so much easier for the girls, so it made it more special for Daniel that the girls each had one off day this last week and he was the only one who earned this reward. (Although Daniel would have gladly given his up so the girls could have one. He is such a sweet selfless guy. Always thinking about others.)

I had a great, but busy weekend and am trusting God for another great week. For he who promised is faithful...

Bear Each Other's Burdens

In honor of the national day of prayer, which is tomorrow, I feel the need to share with you something God has shown me in the past week or so about praying for each other.

We all know that God commands us to pray for each other, bear one another's burden.  But why? The obvious answer is that when two or three agree, God moves (Matthew 18:19). But I think there is more, or rather just a different perspective I had never thought about.

It is hard to continue praying for your loved ones or your situation when you are in the thick of it.  You can't see the forest for the trees. And often, when we are so close to a situation, our prayers get selfish.  We (or maybe it's just me) pray all sorts of solutions to God, hoping he'll pick one. We think hard and try to give God some options to choose from. (I am exaggerating a little bit for affect, but I think you get my point.)  Over time, our prayers no longer are a way to give things to God, but a way to retell the story or relive the pain, to bring up the emotions again.  There is nothing wrong with being burdened for a loved one, but when our prayers result in us picking our burdens back up and carrying them with us through our lives, it is no longer beneficial to us or our situation. Our perspective is tainted and honestly, our emotions get in the way of us hearing God clearly and being able to be led by his Spirit.

So when a brother or sister can bear our burden for us, bringing it to God, they are more free to pray God's will in the situation. They can hear God clearer and can pray according to how the Spirit is leading and not their emotions.

All that to say, yes I pray for my kids, as parents should, but my emotions can definitely get in the way of hearing what God is saying and I struggle to pray God's will instead of what I want to see happen. (Maybe I'm the only one like this.) It is much easier (and perhaps more productive spiritually) for me to either pray in the Spirit (which God tells us is praying his will in Romans 8:27) or to pray for someone else's situation and family as God leads and trust God to put my needs on someone else's heart and to take care of it completely.

I have seen God move in my life very clearly when I am able to truly lay my needs down at His feet (meaning I literally stop worrying/praying about it, trusting God to take care of it all) and pick up someone else's burden to bear. I do know that when I focus my efforts on the needs or others, there is freedom from the stress and worry of my burdens.  God honors a selfless prayer.

9 Years

B.J.,

I can't believe we've been married for 9 years and together for 13.5.  I don't really remember life without you. It has been a crazy ride and I'm so glad you've been with me through it all.  You are the most loyal selfless person I know.  I'm so glad God brought us together and that you have put up with my crazy antics.

 You are greater man than when I married you. You've always treated me well, but God has brought you closer to himself and I love watching you be used by him. It makes my heart smile.

 You are so kind and compassionate and patient with me.  You have become the leader I prayed you would be for our family.  I love to see the confidence you have gained in the past years.  I always knew you could do whatever you set your mind to, with God's help and direction, so I am thrilled you have finally stepped out and seen what God can do.

 You are such a great dad and help me so much with the kids. It is such a blessing for them to have an active dad and they can see that you care and love them.  You have changed a lot since they came into our lives, for the better.

 I love that you can be firm and in control one moment and soft and tender with them the next. I love the way you interact with the kids, especially Seth. I can see your love for them in your eyes and it melts my heart.

God has great things planned for our family and I am so glad I get to spend the rest of my life with you to see what God does. I love you more than you will ever fully understand.

 ~Forever Yours                                 

                      Sandra