Going to War

Was reading in Deuteronomy today, working on my Sunday School lesson and came across this passage of scripture.

Deuteronomy 20:2-4
When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. He shall say: "Hear, o Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Every day is a battle. When we try and be light in a dark world there will be conflict.  We we are pressing in to God the devil will get nervous and try everything in his power to stop us.

So what if every morning we tell ourselves what the priest told the Israelites? Sandra, today you will fight the devil. But don't be scared or panic. God has got this! He will go with you. He will fight for you against the devil and he will give you victory.

What a difference a little attitude adjustment would make. If we start our days feeling victorious rather than defeated.

Today has been a rough day. I have been impatient and mean and rude to everyone around me. I don't know why, but I do believe I can change that. By recognizing today is a battle and God will give the victory.

Lord, help me to trust you! To slow down and respond according to your character and not react based on the mood I am in.

2 Christmas celebrations down, 3 to go!

Polarizing

I've learned that people either like me or they don't. They either understand me or they think I am rude and mean.

And that's okay. Rather, I am okay with that.

Let's start by saying I used to live my life for everyone else. I was very concerned about what others thought about my choices and tried to please them all. I came across as confident and self assured but inside I was hurt and insecure. So insecure that I became whomever I thought people wanted me to be.

Pretending is a lot of work. So I've come to terms with the fact that some people will never get me and some personality types will always be uncomfortable around me. Because I know that I can be honest to a fault. I know I can be insensitive. I know I expect people to respond to me the way I would respond in the same situation. And that just isn't realistic.

I have prayed about this a lot and have asked God if these things are character flaws that I need to change or let him change about me or if I am who be made me to be, just like I am.  And honestly, God hasn't pointed his finger in my heart, well at least not about my directness and honesty, asking me to change these.

I know I come off as hard sometimes. But sometimes we need someone in our face to speak in love to us for our good.

And for whatever reason I have been that person in a lot of situations. It isn't fun getting the reactions I do and it isn't pleasant to be misunderstood. But my heart is always for your good. So remember that. God didn't send me your way to tear you down and to discourage you, but to open your eyes to how things really are. To the truth about your choices. By no means am I saying I am the ultimate in wisdom and knowledge, but I do know what God has shown me and I am not afraid to speak his truth. That is my place right now.

The body of Christ has failed many times because we want to sugarcoat everything, hoping we don't hurt someone's feelings. And in the process no one ever hears or sees the truth. The body lives in deception and the devil has a field day. Truth exposes the lies and dishonesty in our lives. It exposes our weaknesses when we'd rather sweep them under the rug. And truth can and will break us down to the very core of our existence. But only from the bottom can we rebuild our lives in God and replace the lies in the foundations of our spiritual existence with the realities of God, the truth of Gods word.

Although I may not be the most eloquent speaker or writer, hear this. If the church is built on faulty foundations, it needs to be torn down. And tearing down hurts. But the rebuilding is glorious and the church is always better because it has been destroyed.

So in love, I pray that you will let God speak to you through the truth of his word, whomever the vessel, and understand the one he uses is for you. On your side. To help you, in love. To make you better so God's plan can be amazingly seen in you in ways that would never have been were if not for the truth.

Forgive and Forget

With the holidays quickly approaching, I've been thinking a lot about love and with it, true forgiveness.  Let me say that I know that none of us are perfect, but as Christians our example of what true forgiveness is comes from Jesus and his forgiveness of our sins.

Forgiveness is a gift. It is never something deserved or earned, or it wouldn't be a gift. It is not pay back or revenge or getting even. It is forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process through which the victim changes their feelings toward the offender regarding an offense and is able to feel kindly toward that person, even wishing them well. This definition is from Wikipedia, so not exactly the most reliable source, but I think it covers the points I want to touch on.

Forgiveness is for the offended and not the offender. This means that the offender is much less affected by the offense than the offended. By choosing not to forgive someone because they haven't made it up to you, or don't deserve it, you are choosing to live with the hurt and pain and to let the wound fester and grow instead of starting the healing process. Meanwhile, as sad as it sounds and as unfair as it is, the person who hurt you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, has moved on.  You only hurt yourself when you decide to not forgive.

"I'll forgive but I'll never forget." We've all heard those words, but based on what I know about forgiveness from the example of Christ and my experiences, this is impossible. By choosing to remember the offense, and allowing yourself to be hurt all over again when they walk in the room, you have not forgiven the offender. When you forgive someone, truly forgive them, you are able to see past the offense and truly love them again.

If you have been hurt by someone and are easily offended by them again and again, chances are, you never forgave them in the first place.

Like us all, I have been hurt and treated unfairly in my life. That's just a part of life, honestly. I have many wasted years of unforgiveness and holding grudges. I had every right to demand justice and payback, but it never came. So God had to help me forgive. For me it started with a simple instruction from God. I had to pray for them every day until forgiveness came. (And God tells us all to pray for our enemies  in his word, so I would dare say we can all start there.) It was not easy, at all. It was painful. To my pride. To my demand for revenge. But after time I did eventually find the ability to forgive and I have never been so free.

From that very hard time in my life, I have also learned that I don't ever want to live with unforgiveness again. It isn't worth it. I have also learned to not take what people say too seriously. I guess as a defense mechanism, I chose to not be offended. Maybe I'm naive to think that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt me, but I'd rather be ignorant to the hurt, than harbor unforgiveness.

So between now and the next year, I challenge you to examine yourself for unforgiveness and decide to get rid of it. Not by getting even, but by choosing to pray for the offender and ask God to help you forgive. Because you can't do it by yourself. Unforgiveness is a big task and you can only forgive by the grace of God.

Wasted Time

The older I get, the more time I take to look back and reflect on my life. On the time I wasted in disobedience to God. On the time I was productive for God's kingdom. On the time where I felt in spiritual limbo, but have now realized it was a time of great personal growth.

I hate feeling my time is wasted.

Sometimes time has been wasted because I have chosen to struggle with and fight against God and his direction instead of obeying his voice. Other times the devil has offered a detour and I have taken advantage of it. Any time that is wasted away from the perfect will of God cannot be replaced.

I am certainly not assuming that is it easy to always be exactly where God wants us to be. But I also know that when life gets comfortable, my tendency at least is to stay just a little bit longer. But God is calling us to obedience now. To intimacy and relationship now.

The time will never be convenient to serve God wholeheartedly and it will never be an easy choice. But for me, the regret of wasted time is a big one. I want to move where God moves and be where he is and not waste a second being lazy or comfortable. Because every wasted second delays what God wants to do in me and my family.

Standing Up

Last night Haley had a choir concert. The theme was Motown so they sang songs like "My Girl" and "Ain't no Mountain." So the song selection was pretty classic and most of the audience knew them. One of the songs was "Superstition." Its about luck and fate being in control of life. Of course we believe God is in control, so we definitely don't agree with the song. But I wouldn't have said anything. Singing that song wasn't going to jeopardize our Christianity.

But it bugged Haley. More so that there was a line that said the "devil's on the way." So she took it upon herself to ask her choir director if she could step behind the curtains during that song because she wasn't comfortable singing that line. And he let her. It wasn't an obvious picket line to cause an uproar, but something she felt she needed to do in order to stand up for what she believed.

And I'm proud of her. In most circumstances she really wants to be accepted and tends to follow the crowd instead of being a leader. But when my girl has an opinion and doesn't think God would approve of her doing something, she isn't scared to stand up. I was such a shy child it is hard for me to even think about approaching a teacher for approval to do something out of the normal. That would have terrified me. But not her. She is stronger than I was at that age. And she really has no fear of being different. She actually likes that attention.

She's gonna make a difference for the kingdom of God. Yes we butt heads because she can be stubborn, but stubborn is what it takes sometimes to stand up for the right thing. Love that girl! She makes me proud every day!

Loyal

I guess I've had a lot on my mind today. I have a friend who said I just seem bothered or upset. So, I guess you are all going to get a little venting action today. I don't really write for the reaction it gets (although I am often curious how many people are viewing my blog), but it is very therapeutic for me. If you think I am talking about you in my venting, I am probably not. Its just going to be the overflow of my thoughts in relation to a lot of things going on around me.

I have been serving God a long time and have been at my current church for most of that time (over 26 years) and I've learned a few things.

First I serve God. Although I love my church family, I don't serve them. They are not the ones I am loyal to. So when someone hurts my feelings in the church (even in my small church where everyone knows everything) I do not take that as direction from God to change churches. I take it as opportunity to grow my character. Hurt people hurt people so if you are hurt by another, take the opportunity to help the offender heal by taking their heart to the Great Physician. By being their friend and apologizing when it isn't your fault. By loving them through it. By letting everything be a teachable moment in your life. Goodness, none of us are perfect and we all can be taught and can grow.

Second, feeling alone is not an anomaly that only happens when you are out of God's will. The Bible tells us that when a house is divided, it won't stand. So how does the devil divide? He makes us feel like we are the only people in the world that are going through this. That feel this way. That the people sitting on our pew don't like us and don't talk to us because we don't fit in. Yes we are people who need others, who need connection (some more than others based on our personalities), and we need to try to encourage and connect with others within the body of Christ as much as we can. But this world is not our home. We aren't going to always "feel" connected. It doesn't change Gods will, his plan, his purpose. I do believe that Jesus felt quite alone when he was on earth. Even among his disciples he couldn't find one who would stay up and pray with him in his time of need in the Garden of Gethsemene. He went off by himself alone a lot to spend time with God. He knew he wasn't alone and he knew where to find that deep companionship. And he was fully, 100% in God's will.

Third, being a part of church is important. When you feel alone and start bowing out of your responsibilities, thinking you just need a break and a time to rest, you lose the accountability. And the very thing that you thought would make things better now makes you feel less needed and more alone. And people care about you, but often times, we choose to give you space. Because it really is between you and God, and we don't want to be pushy, but our experience tells us that you are drifting away and will never really be back like it was. The reality is that often times when we feel like we don't have time to teach that class or lead prayer, we have made a conscious effort to be stretched too thin in other areas of our life. Instead of giving up the extra, we give up our connection to the church body. And then we wonder why we feel alone there. I have very purposefully chosen not to do many extra curricular activities with many kids. They rotate and right now Katelynn is taking piano lessons. I have no desire to give up Wednesday night church or the 2 o clock service. If things get to busy, I choose to give up piano lessons. It's a matter of priorities and serving God and my kids having church Godly friends is more important to me. I know every parent has to make that decision for their family, and it's a hard one. There is a lot of pressure to put your kid in everything that comes up and keep up with everyone else. No one else is accountable for my decisions but me and so I chose wisely.

Fourth, we all have times where we feel like we are in a rut and need a change. I personally don't like change,  so I am okay with being in my nice rut. Until God says move. And then I begrudgingly move. The last month or so in my Sunday School class has been hard. Some of it is the busyness of the holidays and some of it is the falling away I blogged about previously. And Missionettes has been that way too. I really need to talk to Pastor and get some guidance in both of these areas and how he thinks we should change things up for the future. So maybe that is what had put me in a weird mood. Just kinda feeling in limbo right now. And as usual, I will just hold on to God as he continues to lead us closer to him.

Instant In Season and Out of Season

My dad has been sick for a week or so and his voice has been getting less and less because of this. So I showed up at church to find that I would be leading worship, kinda. I would be leading the songs he picked and he couldn't sing but he stood up there as the leader and "sang". It looked pretty normal from the outside, but our lead vocals was no where to be found.

It was weird, but God showed up anyways. I was glad to find that Dad had selected songs in keys I could sing. And somehow because I had no control of the songs and little control over the way things flowed, it was so easy for me. Worship felt very intimate and God just came and loved on us.

When I lead worship, I take a lot of time to plan the songs and the flow. Not that there is anything wrong with planning, but I learned today that in my planning I try to hold on to at least a little bit of control. My desire for things to be "perfect" (even of that means following Gods lead) actually holds me back. I need to learn to trust God more and not over think things.

We are all a work in progress. I love when God shows me where I need his help (although it can hurt my pride sometimes). He shows us where we need to change because he loves us and wants what is best for us.

They Love Each Other

My kids love each other, really they do. And yet my house is constant!y filled with arguing and bickering about things that are so insignificant. Because each of them chooses to pick fights just for the sake of fighting. (Or that's my outsider perspective at least.) No one can say anything in my house without someone disagreeing with you or saying something contrary to start an argument.

I know they are just kids and eventually they will mature and learn to just keep their mouths shut, but right now it just drives me crazy. Saying nothing would be better. So much better.

So today on the way to Wichita Falls, Bj decided that every time they are arguing or being rude to each other the punishment with be a 10 to 15 second hug between the two offenders. This sound so silly but it has already in the first 9 hours or so of implementation been so effective. Especially when we are in public or in front of other people.

Daniel's first response was that it was just going to make they argue more which I told him will just cause more hugging. They all say it isn't working, but believe me it is. If nothing else, they are at least quick to end arguments and not drag it on forever or continuing annoying each other for fun.

So if any of you need a punishment to encourage getting along and the end to the silly arguments I would highly recommend the 15 second hug. Sometimes Bj is just a mastermind. So glad he is on my team.

He Knows

We are in the car on the way to my sister's house for Lilly's first birthday party. We had sick kids yesterday and really thought we were going to be splitting parental duties and healthy and sick kids, but by the time I got home last night every one was on the mend. They all slept through the night and have not have fevers since yesterday. Praise God for healthy kids because sick kids are no fun!

In the car I have addressed all of the Christmas cards that need to be mailed and worked on my Sunday School lesson.

And in the middle of just doing things that need to get done, the Jeremy Camp song He Knows came on the radio. I don't listen to the radio often, so I am not sure I've heard it before.

He knows. He knows.
Every hurt and every sting.
He has walked the suffering.
He knows. He knows.
Let your burdens come undone.
Life your eyes up to the one who knows.
He knows. He knows.

If you've been around me any amount of time, you know that I have found comfort in the fact that no matter what I am going through and what I cannot seem to grasp or understand about my circumstances, God knows. And understands. I have learned that God knowing (and in his power taking care of me and my needs) is enough for me to be able to bring my burdens to the Lord and leave them there. In his capable hands.

God is sovereign. That means he knows and fully understands every aspect of what I am going through and how it makes me feel and how I respond to it. And he is able to make all grace abound to me. I think I am comforted in an all knowing God because I am an intellectual and like to know as much as possible about whatever is going on so that I can make the best decision and move forward. So when I am weak and cannot know it all (which is often) I can rest in a God who does know all there is to be known.

So I really appreciated that song today. What a great reminder that I am never overlooked or ignored, but I am known, my circumstances are known and God is taking care of me.

Bigger

Bigger than all my problems bigger than all my fears
God is bigger than any mountain I can or cannot see.
Bigger than all my questions bigger than anything.
God is bigger than any mountain I can or cannot see.

The main point of this song is that God is bigger. Than the struggles. Than the unknown. Than everything.

And that is the truth.

But God brought me to the line that talks about the mountains you can't see. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has been just going along in life, pretty normally and was hit head on with an unseen mountain. As a natural born planner, it is definitely easier to deal with a struggle or mountain when it is at least expected. (Although I don't like to borrow worry from tomorrow.) Those unknown, unexpected mountains can knock the breath right out of you and leave you down.

But no matter how the mountains come, you have to just keep getting up. Because the God in you, equipping you, is bigger.

Fear can be paralyzing. The what ifs and the worries for the future and the unknown will keep you from moving past the mountains if you let it.

But God is bigger.

We want to understand what God is doing, even when it is often not in God's plan for us to know. Our questions can be endless and we start to doubt God's ways because he does things differently than we do. Because his ways are higher than our ways. And the devil uses our questions to put a chasm between us and God.

But God is bigger.

A King and His Castle

On Saturday, Daniel and I spent some time cleaning his room. Let's just say that organization and keeping things clean is not his strength. If you know me at all, you know I can be a little compulsive when it comes to things being clean, so I'm sure it really wasn't as bad as I felt that it was. I'm a little picky about these things. Anyways, when we were done cleaning he was so proud of his room. You could just tell he felt better about himself and life in general. It was so clean from his perspective that he called his room his castle and invited anyone who came over to see it.

 

It got me thinking. Maybe he would feel better about school if he felt more organized. I asked him about this and encouraged him to keep his desk and folders clean like he does his room. He said it wasn't bad at school and I reminded him that he has had to redo work because he couldn't find it when it was due. I know his teacher goes through his desk at least every other week and helps him clean it out.

All that to say, I hope he can keep his room clean and maybe some other parts of his life will get the organization that they need and he can be proud of his work.

He sure is growing up. He was so little when we got him. Why do they have to grow up so fast? :(

Trying Something New

Since I graduated college, I have worked full time. In my field and with my employer, this means 40-45 hour weeks are the norm with 50-55 hour weeks during a few busy months out of the year. I am not at all complaining. For a CPA, I know that is fewer hours than most. I chose to work for a small firm because I was not willing to work more than that. I love my job, but my life has changed a lot in the past few years (kids do that to you.) Bj getting a new job with more pay has given me the freedom to change things.

So, yesterday was the first day of my new 35 hour per week job. Yes, I am still at the same place and doing the same job and doubt that will ever change, but I have chosen to take a cut in pay in order to work less and spend more time being a parent. Honestly, the busy times will probably look the same, but with reduced normal hours in between. I hope that I am able to make this work and feel a little more connected to my kids and husband.

My boss, Elaine, has been great to me over the years and I am so glad she was able to give me this option. When you work with a small group for so many years, they really do become like family. We probably know too much about each other's lives, but we like it that way. If this wasn't an option, I am sure that I would have stuck it out and continued to work the hours, because I love my job so much but I am hoping that having a little more time will allow me help my kids more and be mentally more productive when I am at work.

And since I will usually be the first parent home, I will be picking up the dinner duties more than I have been (Bj has been so great! He is actually picking up Mama's Pizza for dinner. Yeah, I am spoiled.) I really need to menu plan and shop accordingly. I realized last night that my pantry and fridge were not prepared for me to be cooking all week. Oops! We have plenty of things Bj would cook but nothing for my go to meals. Guess that will have to wait until next week.

And I have plenty of time to think about adding to our family.

No, this isn't a pregnancy announcement. I really don't know if I want more kids or not. I guess we'll just see what God has in store. My OB/GYN says when you ask God, he usually answers yes. He has a direct line to God, he says. I love Dr. Wiegman. Always makes me smile.

If we do have another child, we should really consider naming it "Not Me." We kind of have a running joke about my 5th kid Not Me always getting in trouble. When I ask the kids who did whatever, they always blame him/her. I guess they would be born in trouble. Maybe that isn't the best idea. :)

I am just all over the place today. Now that you have all been entertained by the musings of my mind, we will now return to regularly scheduled programming. Until my thoughts strike again...

Let My People Go!

Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt's land.
Tell ol' Pharoah, "Let my people go!"

Over Thanksgiving break, Jill, my sister, was singing this song to Seth. It was the one song that would stop his fits or that he would approve of without a resounding "No!"

So this morning, for whatever reason, I was singing it to Seth and then in the car on the way to school. Daniel said it didn't sound like a real song. That's probably because I was imitating how Jill imitates how Erin, my niece, sings it. 

And God used it to speak to me. Just a little Sunday School song made for kids, but full of truth.

I'm sure we've all heard the story of how God used Moses to deliver the Israelites out of Egypt. God sent Moses to Egypt to bring freedom to the Israelites who had been enslaved by Pharoah for many years. He sent him with a clear plan and instructions. Tell them God sent you and tell Pharoah to "Let my people go!"

Seems easy enough and yet often times we desire to be rescued from our slavery, our bondage but are unwilling to take the steps to get there. What would have happened if Moses didn't face his enemy and declare that God said to free God's people? See, Moses had the authority of Almighty God behind him and that authority was greater than Pharoah's. But if Moses wouldn't speak the words to bring freedom, the Israelites would not have been delivered.

We need to realize the authority we have and act on it, telling the devil to let go of us, of our children, of our finances, our marriages, our lives. He isn't as big as we think he is. Yes, he isn't a wimp and he doesn't fight fair, but GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN US than he that is in the world. God wants us to be free to worship him, to serve him, to live for him, but often times we are stuck in our own bondage because we won't tell the devil to back off by the authority we have been given in Jesus. God is waiting for us to obey him so he can bring the deliverance, and we are waiting on him to rescue us and, in the meantime, refuse to obey what he is telling us to do. Refuse to stand up to our enemy and declare our freedom.

Declare your freedom today because he who the Son sets free is free indeed.