Forgive and Forget

With the holidays quickly approaching, I've been thinking a lot about love and with it, true forgiveness.  Let me say that I know that none of us are perfect, but as Christians our example of what true forgiveness is comes from Jesus and his forgiveness of our sins.

Forgiveness is a gift. It is never something deserved or earned, or it wouldn't be a gift. It is not pay back or revenge or getting even. It is forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process through which the victim changes their feelings toward the offender regarding an offense and is able to feel kindly toward that person, even wishing them well. This definition is from Wikipedia, so not exactly the most reliable source, but I think it covers the points I want to touch on.

Forgiveness is for the offended and not the offender. This means that the offender is much less affected by the offense than the offended. By choosing not to forgive someone because they haven't made it up to you, or don't deserve it, you are choosing to live with the hurt and pain and to let the wound fester and grow instead of starting the healing process. Meanwhile, as sad as it sounds and as unfair as it is, the person who hurt you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, has moved on.  You only hurt yourself when you decide to not forgive.

"I'll forgive but I'll never forget." We've all heard those words, but based on what I know about forgiveness from the example of Christ and my experiences, this is impossible. By choosing to remember the offense, and allowing yourself to be hurt all over again when they walk in the room, you have not forgiven the offender. When you forgive someone, truly forgive them, you are able to see past the offense and truly love them again.

If you have been hurt by someone and are easily offended by them again and again, chances are, you never forgave them in the first place.

Like us all, I have been hurt and treated unfairly in my life. That's just a part of life, honestly. I have many wasted years of unforgiveness and holding grudges. I had every right to demand justice and payback, but it never came. So God had to help me forgive. For me it started with a simple instruction from God. I had to pray for them every day until forgiveness came. (And God tells us all to pray for our enemies  in his word, so I would dare say we can all start there.) It was not easy, at all. It was painful. To my pride. To my demand for revenge. But after time I did eventually find the ability to forgive and I have never been so free.

From that very hard time in my life, I have also learned that I don't ever want to live with unforgiveness again. It isn't worth it. I have also learned to not take what people say too seriously. I guess as a defense mechanism, I chose to not be offended. Maybe I'm naive to think that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt me, but I'd rather be ignorant to the hurt, than harbor unforgiveness.

So between now and the next year, I challenge you to examine yourself for unforgiveness and decide to get rid of it. Not by getting even, but by choosing to pray for the offender and ask God to help you forgive. Because you can't do it by yourself. Unforgiveness is a big task and you can only forgive by the grace of God.