Living in Faith and Not Fear

So you know how we all have the best advice to give others, theoretically, when we've never been there before?  I remember before I was a parent I had the best parenting advice to give. Ha!  There were so many things I was going to allow and disallow and I wasn't going to be a push over, ever. I was the disciplinarian and my kids would do what I required of them. Yeah, we all know how that panned out. Ha! It's just different when you are there. I have battles I have to pick daily. And there are still things that are really the most important things to instill in my kids, but there are definitely things that haven't gone or turned out how I expected them to or that I've chosen to let go of and not push.

Same thing when you are a Sunday School teacher. Many times you teach it because God is dealing with you on it, but sometimes, when someone is asking advice, you have the best response for them. Then, when it comes down to it, and you are faced with a similar decision, you realize it's way harder than you thought.

So let's talk money...we've been so blessed and have never really worried about money. We have been smart (not spending money on everything we want or keeping up with the latest and greatest) but in reality, most of the time we've been able to buy whatever we wanted. We've also been pretty generous givers. Because we were able and not necessarily because God asked us to do something beyond what we could easily afford. He's asked us to do big things, but really pretty much within our means. And we've pretty much always had a cushion for a rainy day.

Well right now things are tighter than I'm used to. So I've personally started cutting back some excess so that we don't get in a worse situation financially. We've had so many large purchases (that we need) come at the same time. New AC, new roof, car repair, vacation (which was booked when we had excess, but paid when we didn't). Not to mention my washing machine is starting to freeze up mid cycle. We are having to finance things I'd rather pay cash for so that we have a little reserve and can make it to the next pay day. I have a mental goal of where I'd like our savings to be before I can relax a little.

Tithe is a done deal, we've never really thought about it much. But when it came to guest speakers and extra offerings, I just decided we couldn't right now. God understands, I trust him, but I'm being smart too. But God checked me.

"If you really believe I am gonna take care of you, why are you being stingy? I'm not asking you to be super generous right now, but I am asking you to take care of my people." So I went and paid my extra for our guest speaker and I bought a baby shower gift I was gonna delay for now.

I was living in fear. And I know it because not only was I holding back the reigns when God said let go, but I was complaining about it to others. So not God's way. Really not trying to get sympathy, just someone to agree with my logical reasoning to solve my own problem so I'd feel better about my choices. I didn't ask God how to solve my problem, I just started looking at the numbers and logically figuring out where we could find some extra funds. I do numbers for a living. I just did me.  (Now I know that I am me because God made me this way and I know this is my way by his design and purpose, but I didn't even ask him. That's where I feel I went wrong.)

Oh, God forgive me. Living in faith is HARDER than I made it out to be, especially when it's your daily supply you are worried about. Maybe my current situation is your norm, I don't know. But I'm sorry if I made it out to be your weakness that made trusting God for physical provision hard for you. I had no idea. It is hard!!

I really do know God is going to take care of us, he always does. But I have to trust him in everything and not withhold when he has told me to give. I also don't think it's God's will to keep living like it's no big deal and the money will come from somewhere. He tells us to put him first and He will take care of the rest. So until we get back to a safer place financially, I'm just gonna keep asking him to lead us so he can get glory when he provides!

Out of The Excess

A few months ago I was watching a teaching by Kari Jobe online and she said something that resonated with me. Lately God has been bringing me back to what she said. She was teaching about leading worship (obviously) and said that when she leads worship, she does not expect that to fulfill her or meet her spiritual needs or be her deepest most intimate worship. She has to have her own worship time and then she is able to minister out of the overflow or excess from her personal time with God. (Maybe that's not exactly how she said it, but that's what I got out of it anyways.)

It made me start thinking about why I sometimes get frustrated with how worship goes and don't feel free to worship on Sunday. Besides the fact I am a facilitator or trying to hold it all together, the real issue is my expectation. If I am depending on Sunday worship be my deepest worship, where I am able to be refreshed and ministered to and I spend all my efforts leading others and really receiving nothing in return, I leave feeling disappointed. But as a worship leader, I should come in filled up, already having had my time in God's presence during the week and then my personal expectations are lower and I am less personally disappointed. And I am free from the distraction of my own spiritual needs/expectations and can better lead and minister to others selflessly.

This is the difference between leaders, teachers, preachers, pastors etc on Sunday and the other church members/congregants. Yes, everyone should be having daily time with God, but as a leader, it is even more important that you are getting deeply fed at a time other than when you are in ministering.  Your public ministry should be out of the overflow of your personal spiritual walk. As a leader, more is required of you so you should expect to do more, spend more time in preparation. You are living under a different standards. Where leaders err is that when time is cut short, because life is busy, the things that are seen by others (your public ministry service) becomes the focus and you are not able to invest in your spiritual walk/relationship with God like you should. This is one of the reasons that leaders get burned out so often. What really should be primary has become secondary, and while that will affect those you minister to, it can be devastating to the leader.

I'm not at all saying that those in leadership aren't also ministered to when the believers come together weekly or aren't able to worship or enter in. Of course your worship leader should be worshiping  and your pastor should be hearing what God has spoken to him even as it comes out of his mouth. They just shouldn't expect that to be their primary source of spiritual food and refreshing. The Spirit of God lives in us and we can be in his presence every day and should be as believers, but for leaders, it's pretty much non-negotiable. If you feel frustrated with your ministry, check your own spiritual growth and development. If you feel overwhelmed or overlooked, check your time with God. If you feel lonely and underappreciated, check your devotion to daily time with God and in his presence. Because ESPECIALLY AS LEADERS, our source, our sufficiency, our spiritual health must be maintained personally, aside from our ministry, so that the excess of things God has been pouring into you on a personal level can overflow to others around you as God intends.

Faith Words

Today, or rather this week, I've compared myself to others, I've asked God why me? I've struggled as I fell on my face again as a mom.  But instead of rehashing all of that and blogging through my tears I'm doing something really intentional, even though I don't feel it at all.

Today I'm choosing to be thankful for what God has given me and not dwell in the what-ifs. Today I'm thankful that my house is full and never quiet. That there is chaos and fussing between the kids because at least that means there are kids here. Today I'm thankful that God has given me them all to draw me closer to him. Today I'm thankful for the plans he has for them even though I can't see it and it is definitely not going to be fulfilled through my efforts which always seem to fall short.

I'm thankful for their smiles and laughs. I'm thankful that they aren't afraid to be silly and goofy. I'm thankful that they aren't shy or intimidated by others often (such the opposite of me as a little girl). I'm thankful that they make friends easily. I'm thankful that they are respectful to others. I'm thankful that they don't fight me about going to church. I'm thankful that despite my failings, which are many, they are thriving. I'm thankful for God's grace when I mess things up.

I'm thankful that God's ways are greater than mine. I'm thankful that he sees potential when I can't. I'm thankful that he knows each one of my kids and has had plans for them since before they were born. Before I had any thoughts or intentions regarding adoption and adding them to our family. I'm thankful that His word always accomplishes his purposes.

I'm thankful that this too will pass. I'm thankful that God's mercies are new every morning.

I'm thankful that he has them, all of them in the palm of his hands. I'm thankful that God's plans are purposeful and intentional and not accidental.

I'm thankful that God is changing me. I'm thankful that His strength is made perfect in weakness. I'm thankful that I don't have to make God's will happen. I'm thankful that God knew what he was doing when he gave them, all of them, to us, and he still knows what he is doing now. His plans didn't change because I'm not the mom I wish I was, but he knew me, and gave them to us and still chose this for them. Because our family was His best for them.

Praise God for He is Good!!

Broader Horizons

I don't know how else to say it except to say that the last year and a half have been life changing for me. For a person who naturally likes order and routine, being forced to change in so many ways has been so good for me. I've grown spiritually so much in that time frame (maybe more in breadth than depth). I think that some times we get so used to our normal and we focus on growing in areas of strength or comfort more than growing by letting God push us into new and different things.

Before, I was in a place where I was getting opportunity to preach 3-4 times a year at my home church. Since then I've preached once. I didn't feel like that ministry was over, but I was in a time of personal stretching and growing in different areas. When we were without a pastor I spoke a few times to fill in. And really, God has been using me in different ways, so I haven't really had the desire to preach. Just been focusing on different things. I am not complaining at all, and really didn't feel like the opportunity was over, but just that I was in a different season.

So I have a couple of potential preaching opportunities coming up and I've started asking God to lead my study as I prepare. I asked God to show me what "they" (whoever that may be) need to hear and God has just started speaking like he never stopped. I'm not saying that God hasn't been speaking, but I've been kinda in a self learning/growing mode and God has been speaking to me personally but not really for others. When I was preaching more, I would constantly be putting sermons together (at least in pieces) waiting for the opportunity. I kind of wondered if God would still choose to speak to me for that purpose and I'm convinced the answer is a loud YES. It's truly an amazing honor that he would choose me.

So I'm excited to see what God's going to do. In areas where I thought he was done or had moved me on, I guess he's just expanding my horizons. Praise God! Lord, whatever you want, where ever you lead, I will follow.

Practical Faith

The past couple of weeks have been a little different for me. God has showed me some of his plans for me (not the details, cause that would be way too simple). So I've been praying for guidance and He has provided.

I've been asking God for next steps and he's basically given me a "to-do list." Just a few things at a time to do and as I obey him, he gives me a few more. I have 2 things on my list right now.

Although it almost seems too simple, I'm starting to think that's how it's supposed to be. Sometimes we overcomplicate things. Our faith is so theological and idealistic sometimes that it requires almost perfect circumstances to feel successful or good about. I don't know, just thinking out loud. Kinda like Jesus told us to become like little children. Here it and do it. And the more we hear and do the more he can ask us to do. It's baby steps to the big stuff.

Now, I'm not at all saying that any of the things God is asking me to even makes sense in line with what I know is the bigger plan, but if I just hear and obey, hear and obey, the pieces of the puzzle will fit together eventually. And in the process I'll become better at obeying and it'll become easier to trust God with the big stuff.

So I challenge you: Ask God for a to-do list and see what he'll do. But you have to listen for directions, and be willing to obey when he speaks.

Friend of God

Before I start, let me apologize if the title of this blog has started a neverending cycle of the Israel Houghton song in your head. Seriously!! Now on to the good stuff...

As a Christian, one of the most important things to us should be our relationship with God. Christian means "Christlike" and is not synonymous with "church-goer." Whereas most Christians would assume that having a relationship with God would assume friendship, God's been speaking to me about different kinds of relationships. Relationship refers to the connection between two people (or things) so in one sense everyone has some relationship with God. That doesn't mean they are close to God or that they are even on his team, but there is some relationship there.

There are two different kinds of relationships: acquaintance and friend. An acquaintance is someone who knows of or is familiar with someone but has no personal connection to the other person. Here is where I would put "church-goers" and even enemies of God. Even those who spend their energy proving God doesn't exist or advocating against him have some knowledge of him and therefore an relationship or connection to him.

Then, there are friends. (Here's the part that just was a lightbulb moment for me. I love when God does that!) There are two kinds of friends (naturally and spiritually). First, friends of convenience. These are people you wouldn't naturally be friends with but due to a circumstance that brings you together, you become friends. This is where I would put coworkers, classmates, club members like PTA moms and similar friends. Generally, you hang out with these people at the designated time but don't see them apart from that. When the circumstance that brought you together ends, the friendship is over or at least your normal communication or "hang out" time ends. These are also people you consider your friends when it benefits you. Like if you need help with something you know they can help with. These relationships are selfish at best. You aren't enemies, but for sure, you haven't really invested in these relationships but have learned to work with people because that is what was required for the time.

The other type of friendship is friends of intention. This is the relationship that you invest in. That you pursue. That are at the forefront of your minds and are your priority. The friendships that require your total sacrifice and you receive the same in return from the other party.

So when you look at your relationship with God, is it an acquaintance, a friendship of convenience, or a friendship of intention? There is a big difference. Are you pursuing God the way he wants to be pursued or do you just go to him when you need something from him? Are you intentional to spend time with him or only when you have excess time that day? Is he your main thing or your spare tire?

We are studying the book of James in Sunday School (Chapter 4 tomorrow) and there is a passage that starts our talking about how we don't have things because we don't ask God. I would quickly identify this as a friendship of convenience,  but here's the thing. God asks us to come to him, to ask for help, even if we view him as our 9-1-1 operator or for selfish reasons. Why? Because many times that is where he can begin to call us deeper. If we have no relationship with God at all, yes he can draw us, but if we are in a place where we need God, so we come to him out of necessity, He has us where we are in listening mode. And there he can start to prove his love to us. I say all that to say, don't be ashamed if God is your friend of convenience right now. At least he's your friend and not just an acquaintance. Yes, as we spend more time with God, he can become so much more to us, but we all have to start somewhere.

Intimate relationship with God is a never ending cycle of pursuit, repentance, and change. As we pursue God and closeness with God, he shows us our messes. We repent because we know that is the only way to continue our journey forward and he requires us to change. Once we've taken that step by faith, he call us to pursue him again. Although it feels like 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, the net affect is forward progress.

So don't be discouraged if pursuing intentional friendship and closeness with God doesn't happen like you wished or as quickly as you'd like. As long as your pursuing, that's forward growth. Closer to His Heart. And the changing he's doing in you is worth it.

Loving Through Disappointment

As much as I try to be chill, I would be lying if I said that I didn't place unrealistic expectations on everyone, including myself. I am perpetually setting myself up to be disappointed. I am not naturally a hugger or touchy feely kind of person so showing love when I am disappointed is really hard for me. Really hard.

I tend to focus on where my expectations were not met rather than the good that is being done. So I'm constantly asking God to help me love better, knowing that I will be disappointed. Somehow, even knowing that disappointment is a given, I constantly expect that when I'm able to love better (or maybe show love better is more accurate) that people will suddenly want to meet my expectations so they will change. The truth of the matter is that as I grow in showing love, even when I'm disappointed, God changes me and not them.

As I learn to be a better parent, to love better, I am constantly understanding in a new way how God must feel about me. I'm sure I've disappointed him a lot and yet he keeps pouring out love on me, keeps challenging me, keeps pushing me toward his greater purpose and plans. So I strive to love like he does and not give up like he doesn't give up on me, even if I disappoint him.

Sidetracked

Ever been distracted? Sidetracked?  We live in such a busy world, especially for mom's who are trying to manage each kids wants/needs, with a job, and husband.

And for me, on top of that, I have God speaking. Now, I am not at all saying that is a bad thing but I have no fewer than 5 things God is stirring in me regarding ministry. Honestly I have so much going on spiritually, mentally, emotionally, it's hard to know where to even start to take steps to move forward and which thing I should focus on and which to ignore until later. So I pray God will give direction and help me keep the main thing the main thing and not waste time on distractors. That he'll help me know where to focus and what order to pursue the things he's laid before me.

Because you know (or you should know) if the devil can't stop you cold from moving forward his next step is to distract you. And not always with bad things, with good things too. Cause a God thing at the wrong time is a good thing that could've been AMAZING if we just would wait for His timing.

Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don't get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil. Proverbs 4:25-27

I know God is moving NOW and I don't want to be wasting time with sidetrackers or distractions. So I'm carefully listening and moving (at what seems a snail's pace) as I'm getting a little direction one day at a time.

God, helps us to hear you clearly, to following you intentionally, to move with you as you move!!

Prepare to be Pushed

Today I texted a friend and told them "Can you please tell God I'm busy? He doesn't seem to be listening to me." I was being silly, of course, but I am just amazed how much God pushes us when we feel like we can't be pushed any more.

Lately I've been praying for direction, open doors and next steps. That I would listen enough to hear God when he speaks/leads and be obedient. There are a few different areas where God is leading me (and I'm not free to share yet) but the how and when is MIA. So I just keep praying and waiting and preparing myself as best as I know how and according to what God has showed me. Waiting for the timing. I know His is perfect so I wait. Cause doing the right thing (the God led thing) at the wrong time is still the wrong thing just like doing the wrong thing at the right time (God's time) is the wrong thing.

So the majority of the church renovation is done. We had our dedication service last week. That is just the first step, first part of Vision 2020. About 6 months ago our pastor laid out a vision for our church: 200 people by the year 2020. Step one: get the facilities ready to handle to growth. Check. So what's next? Well next is where we become light, where we put ourselves out there. Invite people. Invest in people. Pursue people like God does. Love people. And God starts pushing us past what we think we are capable of. If our action is kept in the realm of what is natural and comfortable for us, God doesn't have to show up and we don't have to depend on him. So he pushes us. And pushes us. And pushes us. Until we walk the way he is leading (For some of us, he has to push more than others. Guilty!)

Just yesterday someone brought me an idea and I immediately dismissed it as stupid and really undesirable or pointless. By the time I woke up this morning God had filled out the details for that exact idea and I was actually excited and ready to go with it. I was shocked how quickly He changed my position from opposition to a facilitator. And I didn't even feel like I was being pursuaded. I don't really know how He did it.

And if God is moving and speaking to anyone else like he is to me, let me just warn you all to be ready to be pushed. In directions you couldn't anticipate. With purpose that was totally understated and unseen. All for his kingdom.

And if you are unwilling to be pushed past your limits, you'd better get out of the way. Because "Who can stop the Lord almight?" You can get on his team, or move over. Either get on board with his plans or watch his plans go forward without you. It's your choice, so make the right one.

Rescue

So the last few weeks have been really hard for me. Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally. Pretty much every part of my life felt like it was falling apart. I couldn't see a way out of the way I felt. And the interesting thing is nothing really changed except me and my emotional state. Yes, I was coming out of a busy tax season, and yes we are in the middle of construction at church and other changes, and yes I am a mother of 5 kids, so maybe it was a combination of things that led me to where I was. I don't know. All I can say is I can't point to what threw me over the edge, but I was definitely there.

I would say I felt hopeless and depressed. Done. That's the word I used to describe my state of being to whomever I opened up to. I only share all of that to say that I can see very clearly now that it was totally a spiritual attack. Somewhere in my busy ness (and yeah, I guess I am busier than normal) I gave the devil a foothold. A way in. I still don't know what it was and I'm definitely praying for God to show me so I'm more aware next time and don't leave that door open.

But the more important part to me is how/what rescued me. It was a simple word from a friend. Nothing magical, just a statement about God's plans for me. An encouragement to keep going. So there are a couple of things I want to remember from this, learn for next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time. The devil doesn't give up so easy).

1. When you are in the dark, the mud, the low place the easiest way to stay there is to focus on yourself. To scream for help for a selfish reason. To pout and complain because you are uncomfortable or feel like someone should come pull you out. To blame everyone else and expect everyone else to come to your rescue. When I was there, I literally didn't realize I was being selfish. I felt justified in my frustration and wanted someone to change the situations and rescue me, but no one could do anything that would really make me feel any better. I wanted help but felt helpless and wouldn't really accept help because it wasnt how I wanted it. (yeah, super self focused and selfish!)

2. You never know when your words will be what someone needs to be rescued from the darkness you may or may not know they are living in. I'm always so thankful when someone finds me worth a kind word. Maybe more so than some since my primary love language is words of affirmation. I often sabotage myself because I want to be appreciated and in the same breath am often skeptical of others motives and honestly, I don't like empty flattery. On the giving end, the problem I have is that while I do pretty well sending a text or facebook message, I don't do so well in person. I guess being misunderstood from time to time has pushed me back in my shell on this. I'm trying and I know it's how God wants to use his people, but if anything throws me off my game that day (a parenting issue or disagreement at home) the first thing that gets lost is any extra energy I have to give to others. To invest in others. Cause it does take effort and energy to put myself out there. To interact with others. It's just not natural for me.

3. After I was rescued, and I stopped thinking about myself, the change was almost instant. Not just because I stopped thinking about my feelings and my rights, but because my vision was widened and I starting see things more big picture. Like God does. I went from victim to victorious, from hopeless and depressed, to full of faith and excitement about what God's going to do. It was almost like those dark days never even happened. Oh, yeah, things are still a bit crazy, but just like I said I didn't think any thing in particular caused that trial, I can be victorious while all of that is still going on IN THE BACKGROUND. We are by nature, self centered. We think our lives and our world is the world, but we are just side bars in God's plan. Not that we are unimportant or throw aways, but God plan and his kingdom purposes are not so we will feel better or get all we want or be the center of the universe. When we focus our energies, our time, our God given talents, giftings and callings on his purposes and his plans, everything else is a means, a method, how God accomplishes his purposes and not the other way around. We aren't living our lives and coincidentally seeing God's plans accomplished. Our thinking and our focus so easily gets switched around and that's when we crash.

Anyways, I'm feeling so much better so you may be in for more of my ramblings and musings or not. I really don't know. Guess we'll have to wait and see. I hope my thoughts or sharing what I've learned will help someone, or at least processing it all helps me. :)

Fixed On

It's been a while, a long while. Life's been busy but I havent really felt the urge to write or share. It feel so good to not be driven by or feel required to post or share. God has been speaking but differently, for me and not necessarily for yall all the time.

As is usual to me, God is using a song to speak. I've been learning/playing the song Spirit Move. There are a couple sentiments expressed that I'd like to share.

The verse echos the thought of hunger and expectancy for God to move by his spirit. Right now in my life I feel like I'm in a place of testing, of growing, and as much as it is not fun or enjoyable, I keep feeling that God is about to do something amazing! After all, that's the purpose of a trial, to grow us for the next thing God has in store. Sometimes next is in a few days, or maybe a few years. Either way I can't help but feel that eager expectation of what is coming. Like a child on Christmas morning. And if  the intensity of what is coming is anywhere close to the difficulty of this struggle, I can't wait! (But I have to. Isn't waiting the worst? And yet, we all have to wait, but that's another blog for another day, and actually what we learned about in Sunday School last week).

But to be ready, we have to make sure our focus is right. That's what the chorus talks about:

We are fixed on this one thing.

To know your goodness, to see your glory.

We're transformed by this one thing.

To know your presence, to see your beauty.

It challenges me to check my focus. What am I looking to? Am I stuck with eyes on the minute problem or am I able to see things with a kingdom perspective? To step back and see the big picture. Am I truly fixed, focused on just knowing God and seeing who he is or am I focused on selfish things, like defending myself or my right to be heard or get my two words in. Am I focused more on what people may think of me or being obedient to God's leading?

God's presence is powerful, but in a willing vessel, a ready vessel, a focused vessel we can't even begin to describe the impact for the kingdom. 

God, help me to be fixed on you so your will is accomplished, your way, in your timing through this broken vessel!!

Understanding

Sunday in small groups we started a new session that focuses on the role of the church to teach God's word. The verse we talked about (which wasn't even in the video) is in II Corinthians 4:4 that says the devil blinds eyes so that some can't understand God's word.

We talked about how one of the main hindrances to some Christians reading God's word is either they aren't good readers or they don't understand what they are reading, so they give up. Reading anything is a struggle for some, so reading God's word is just not something they enjoy.

Let me be clear. Anytime we have a weakness, that is where the devil attacks. If we tend to be critical of others instead of showing love and compassion, the devil will point out every flaw of everyone we see and try to tempt us to judge rather than love. So if your weakness is reading and understanding God's word, the devil sure isn't going to sit back and let you easily understand what God is trying to show you.

So how do we deal with a temptation or struggle? We identify the source and call on God (who is bigger than any battle we will ever face) and ask him for help. You aren't stupid or worthless if this is where you struggle. The devil just knows if you get a hold of Gods word, his life changing Word, and grasp His love and promises for you, he won't have a chance to stop you. So you've got to learn to fight through it!

God is bigger than any struggle, even if appears to be natural instead of spiritual. Sometimes, we use our natural weakness as a crutch, an excuse to justify why God can't use us or why we will never be all God has promised. But the devil is a liar and God is able!

Don't give up, fight through the struggle! Because God's word is our firm foundation and there is no replacement. We've got to spend time in God's word, even if it's not easy.

Losing Heart

Ever been tired? Worn out? Done?

And if you are a stubborn one, like I am, who refuses to give up, we always find a way to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, to muster whatever strength we can and keep going. Because we don't really have a choice. Because someone or something depends on us going on.

But maybe the reason we live in the cycles of strength and success and worn out and tired is because our priorities are wrong. Because we are so focused on ourselves and our way and our dreams, we forget why we can't lose heart.

It's not because the world can't go on without us or because no one else can do it to the standard we've set for ourselves and our lives and our ambitions. No, we must not lose heart for a reason much bigger than that. Gods ways are always big picture while our thoughts are stuck on us, the world we live in, how it affects what is important to us.

II Corinthians 4:1 says, "Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry,  we do not lose heart."

The reason I am able to keep going when the kids are arguing all day and I mess things up at work is because it's not about me. God, in his great mercy, because he sees so much more in me than I do, has given me a ministry. Not any different than any other Christian, we all have a calling and ministry to love others, to be Jesus on earth. And because of this great ministry and responsibility, we cannot lose heart. There are people to love and seeds to be planted. We each have a job we have to do for His Kingdom sake.

And that is why we can't lose heart. Because we have been entrusted with a treasure in these jars of clay. A treasure that must be shared at all costs.

Messy and Reckless

So I'm reading two books simultaneously, which is kinda odd for me, but this week they collided. Not because I wanted them to or because one of them led me to read the other. Because God wanted me to see something, to understand something differently. The two books are The Circle Maker By: Mark Batterson and Messy Grace By: Caleb Kaltenbach. The first is about prayer and how to pray God's purposes and promises and the second is about balancing grace/showing love with the truth of God's word about sin issues.

Let me start by saying my ideal world, life, work environment is pretty clean, organized, structured. I like things to have a clear beginning and end and work in boxes pretty well. As a women, who I'm told is more like spaghetti than waffles, I know that there are many parts of my life that connect to others, but it is definitely my preference for each thing to stay in its box, within the rules, organized and put together with a pretty bow. And within my little world, where my social circle is my church and my clientele is mostly ministers, that works pretty well for me. I'm able to thrive and do well in those circles. It's my safe place and it is pretty clean.

When I first starting feeling led to speak/preach/teach more I questioned my sphere of influence/who God wanted me to minister to and I was convinced that I was called to encourage Christians through sharing my experiences and the things God's shown me in his word. That too, was pretty squeaky clean and easy. Although it was a little nerve-wracking at first, I quickly found my groove and felt like I was being pretty effective where God had given me opportunity and influence.

But lately, in the past year, God has very clearly messed that all up. :) I've been challenged by God to see past myself and my safe space and really ask God to use me how he wanted to and not how I thought was easiest and cleanest. And he's opened my eyes and given opportunities I never would have had or sought out before. Opportunities to show grace in uncomfortable situations. To be a listening ear and not judge or condemn but just show God's love. To pray God's promises for someone else, going through struggles I have never had to deal with personally, and to bear those burdens as if they are my own until God shows up.

So I'm learning to pursue people like God pursues them. To be available and inconvenienced for the sake of the Gospel. It's messy. A bit chaotic at times. And it pushes me to be more like Christ. Like Christians should be. Not stuck in our happy circles but actually reaching out to people who are not like us and who we wouldn't normally befriend and becoming Jesus for them. Please don't misunderstand me to say I am on some "holier than thou" mission to add another trophy or medal to my wall. I'm learning to love in a totally different way than I'm used to. I know that people are God's heart so we have to be willing to get messy, to do things that don't make sense. Many times we fail to love without limit because we see our primary job as protecting the holy reputation of God. We forget that God has called us to love recklessly, like he loves us, without condition and qualifications. Before things are neat and pretty with a bow.

I firmly believe that God loves us all too much to leave us in our messes, but God will never get the opportunity to draw people to himself, to make them more like Jesus, if we don't learn to show messy grace. To love before they fit into our bubble and meet our expectations. A church full of people who are all the same is not reaching anyone. Actually, that probably means they are dying and have forgotten that "it's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick."

So I guess it's time to get messy and learn to love and show grace to those around us like God has done for us.

Vision

God has been speaking to me in the past few weeks, you know since I finally got to a place still enough that I could hear him again. A lot of what he's been speaking is for me and not shareable, so I haven't blogged hardly any of it.

But today God showed me something through a song. That's pretty normal for me. Now, I am fully aware that songs are not Scripture , but sometimes the way something is worded in a song makes you think and directs you back to scripture that means something new and fresh that you hadn't seen before.

The song this time is called "I'm No Victim." Originally I hated the song. It felt like a personal anthem of sorts, someone trying to prove something or try to hard. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the song, just a feeling I got, probably tainted by my experiences. But as I listened some more (as I often do when I don't understand what the writer of the song is trying to say) something just clicked for me.

"I'm no victim. I live with a vision."

No one is immune from bad things happening to us. It's not "why me?" but more like "why not me?"  The Bible clearly states that being a Christian doesn't mean life is perfect. That there is never a struggle or things get easy. Actually life keeps going on and rain falls on the just and unjust alike. And in the storm, you have a choice.

Some choose to stay victims of their circumstance. To play the "why me?" game and continue to declare how things aren't fair and how horrible things are. It is there in victimhood, that vision ceases. No wonder they can't move on. They have no where to go. No push, no forward looking thought or goal. They are stuck. All they see is their current status.

Or we become people of vision. When we choose to get out of that place (or not entertain those thoughts to begin with), God provides vision to push us on. Or maybe we get out of that place by pursuing vision. By asking God, "what next?, what do you have for me?"By refusing to stand still.

And when you get even a glimpse of God's vision, his purpose for you, it is motivation to press in. to move forward. Yes, it is much easier to become a victim than pursue God's vision, but it's the hard choice, the right choice that must be made if you are to live the abundant life that God provides.

Because without vision, people perish. Die. Stand still. Rot in stagnation. And that is not God's best for you. For me. For anyone. 

In addition to looking forward, to seeking after what God's next assignment is, we must become people who care more about what God says about us than others. Because the victim needs everyone's approval, sympathy, but the visionary seeks the approval of only one (knowing full well that many around you won't understand).

"I am who he says I am. He is who he says he is. I'm defined by all his promises. Shaped by every word he says,"

First

Been disconnected from the Facebook world for a few weeks and it's been really nice. It's like the background roar has finally dulled and I can hear clearly again. I've chosen to give up Facebook for lent and really may decide this is a long term thing. Not giving it up completely, but for sure limiting it for me. There is nothing wrong with Facebook or other social media but I've definitely learned a few things while I've stepped away:

Our lives are busy but at least for me the chaos is not from the busyness but from the lack of stillness. Facebook for me was a big time waster. We are in this time where everyone has to be connected to everyone and we don't know how to just be. Every spare second we are on whatever social media checking to see what everyone is up to. Not a bad thing at all, but when you get used to the constant roar, you forget how to be still and listen. Obviously I can only speak for me, but the silence has been amazing. Allowing myself to just be has been very refreshing. Energizing almost.

I've missed somethings, like the initial news about the school shooting a few weeks ago. Had to ask BJ why the flags were at half mast. I had no idea. But I've also missed the drama. I don't need to know what everyone is doing at all times, who their arguing with or their opinion on everything. My mind has been able to be quiet, my soul feels relaxed and not rushed and it has allowed me to hear God more clearly. I have a natural tendency to compare, to critique, to have an opinion about everything. I don't normally share my opinion, but it can frustrate me especially when I feel like people are making poor decisions or are being irresponsible. Missing others opinions has been nice. Not that I want to be ignorant of the world, but let's face it: Facebook has become a venting zone. Not everyone obviously, but I like to fix things, so knowing there's an issue stirs me up, wanting to comment back or be the solution to the problem. And it's just not healthy for me.

I've also started journaling without restrictions. I know you'll think this is silly, but it is quite natural for me to compartmentalize things, especially my thoughts. To edit how I say/write what I think so that is sounds pretty. So my thoughts have been split into multiple places. Some things I've shared on facebook, some I've blogged about, some I've written down for personal consumption. Now that I'm putting all of that in one place, without real format or structure, it has been actually quite freeing.

Okay. Now that I've caught up, onto what I wanted to really share.

I have a new favorite song. It's not a new song, but still what's been going on in my heart for a week of so...

"Spirit of the Living God, Spirit of the Living God. We're leaning in to all you are. Everything else can wait."

And it challenged me. Is my life really showing God that everything else, my worries about life and family and kids, concerns about work and church is second to him? Everything else can wait. That He is really first. I know we say God is first, but is He? Or do I get distracted checking facebook status' responses when I am in the middle of prayer or reading my Bible? Or church? Am I listening intently because my heart of hearts wants to know Him more? Or do I waste time in front of the TV every evening until I fall asleep on the couch but am too tired to get up to pray when he asks me?

"Cause when you speak, when you move, when you do what only you can do it changes us, it change what we see and what we seek."

Do we want to be changed to see things as he does or are we quite happy? Content with how things are?

What are we seeking? Do we look for His approval or are we waiting for the people around us to pat us on the back and tell us "well done." If we get it from them, we won't get it from Him. That's what Scripture says. I want to be pleasing in his sight. I want Him to know He can depend on me and trust me to obey Him when he speaks and not be in a wind-tunnel, filled with noise and not hearing what he's saying.

So for now, the distractions are at least lessened (they never really go away all the way in this life) and I am able to focus on what He wants me to focus on and do what He wants me to do.

Your Kingdom come your will be done.

Confidence

So if you know me, I would doubt that one of the words you would use to describe me is shy. I'm not the most outgoing person, but I always get a "yeah, right" when I tell people I'm an introvert. When I was younger, I was definitely more shy than I am now. I guess when you become a parent (especially the way I did) you don't really have the option of hiding in the corner any more. You have to suddenly deal with doctors and schools and teachers and there was definitely no easing in period for me. Because I'm the mom. I had to register my kids for school. I had to get them all up to date on shots and get them the help needed for whatever issues they were facing. I have had more teacher meetings than I'd care to deal with and have had to stand up for my kids. Because I'm the mom.

So there are certain realms of my life where I am definitely more confident than others. There are certain things that don't scare or intimidate me at all, like training others at work or even doing a little public speaking in that realm. Most of the time talking to clients isn't too bad either, because I've been doing this long enough to know my stuff (generally speaking) and I've learned it's okay to tell a client I need to look something up and they are usually okay with that. I'm not scared to lead worship or sing a special at church, been doing it my whole life. I'm not scared really at all with my church family who has literally known me since preschool. Playing piano doesn't worry or stress me out.

But there is one part of me that has hidden pretty well my whole life, until lately. That would be the outside part. I wouldn't describe my style as bad or outdated, but I've never put priority on physical appearance or being trendy cause being noticed for that was my biggest fear. I've never spent much time on me and really wanted to just disappear. I think when people know me, they don't look at me to judge my physical appearance. To them, I just look like Sandra. However, when I'm meeting people for the first time, I'm always afraid they are judging me. Because my skin isn't perfect (probably my biggest insecurity) or my hair isn't styled well or my makeup is bad. So I've been afraid to make an effort so that I am noticed or recognized physically. It's easier to be unnoticed than noticed for "doing it all wrong." But I've wanted to look at least put together and knew if I could get over the initial hump of making the change, I would be okay.

In December, thanks to Elisha, I took the plunge and started wearing lipstick regularly. I've always worn makeup (and have been asked more times than I can count if I ever wear makeup while wearing it, ugh!!) but hated having to reapply lipstick. I ain't got time for that. :) And since I took the plunge (with the help of Lipsense that I don't have to reapply all day long) my confidence has gone through the roof (thanks to ya'll ladies who keep affirming me when I post pics). I still am not sure I would call myself beautiful, but I can at least say I look nice and put together. More grown up and less low maintenance.

I posted this picture today on facebook and do you know what I saw? I saw wrinkles around my eyes and wrinkles at my smile line. Most people would try and hide that, but I saw that I was really happy. Pretty! Confident! Smiling all the way up to my eyes. I used to kid that I didn't smile because I didn't want wrinkles. But now, if the wrinkles mean I'm happy, bring 'em on!

Now the confidence on the outside can match the confidence on the inside! Thank you God for using a little makeup to make me feel better about myself. Ready to take on the world and whatever God has for me next!

As In Heaven

These days my normal prayer has become "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth, in me, in my family, in my church, as it is in heaven."

I know that means I may not get my way and things may not go how I planned or wished they would, but God is teaching me to be okay with that. Last night I started thinking about what "as it is in heaven" really means.

That means there is no opposition. No dragging of feet or complaining along the way. In heaven, God's will is always accomplished and accomplished quickly because there isn't a struggle. Because he has total control in heaven. So I started praying, God, don't let me oppose your will or stop what you are trying to do. Especially as I tend to do when I don't understand what is going on.

The other thing that seems to keep coming up is "It's not personal, it's Kingdom business." Kind of my new motto. Much easier said than done.

We live in a world where people are so self focused. We do what we want generally, and feel like we have a right to get even or get back if our feelings are hurt. Or even better, we feel if someone disagrees with us, it is a personal attack. There are no 2 people that agree on everything. We all strive to make the best decisions for ourselves and our families with God's help and really feel like others would obviously make the same choice because we are right. And we want everyone to agree with us so we can validate our stance or feel good about our choice. So when there is a disagreement, we feel like we have to confront it or debate it until we reach a consensus (until they agree with me, obviously :)).

But in reality, when we stop making everything personal, and focus on the task at hand, there is more unity. In the big scheme of things, many of our disagreements really don't matter. I'm okay if you disagree with me. I can still keep my opinion and you yours without either of us feeling like we are wrong or need to prove ourselves and our point. It just doesn't matter.

The devil wants us to take everything personally and create division, but in reality we are all individuals created to be different and that is okay. Different doesn't mean right and wrong, it means different. (Obviously I'm not talking about foundational Biblical issues, but most disagreements in the church and in the family are over petty things with no eternal value).

So here's where I'm at: I get frustrated at times with all the change and uncertainty, but I really am trying to be flexible. I really want God to have his way and lead me into whatever he has next. I don't want to be a hindrance to his plan or to the people around me, but just trying to live in love and forgiveness with my eye on the goal.

Time to Get Uncomfortable

There are three types of people when it comes to change.

Those who love it, thrive on it and are always seeking out what they can change and how to keep things moving forward.

Those who hate change and dig their feet in resistance to any thing different.

And me. Those who don't love change or hate it. Who can see it's value but approach it cautiously, making sure change is controlled and not chaotic. Those who once they catch the vision, are great supporters and good managers of change.

But no matter which category you fall into, there is some part of change that is uncomfortable. Like when the stage at church is split in half by a temporary wall during construction. Or the wifi won't work because of where the office and hub are located.

And if those things bother you, hold on because we are about the be kicked out of the sanctuary for a month.

But when you consider the short term cost for the long term benefit, IT WILL BE WORTH IT!! Trust God, it will be worth it!! Hold on and keep your eye on the goal! What is a soul worth to you?

Tonight was our first small groups. We hosted a group and it was great! The unknown may make you a little uncomfortable. Doing something different may make you nervous, but that phase will pass. So next time something bothers you a bit, hold your tongue, take a breath and smile.

Discomfort won't kill you. But your attitude could make or brake your ability to enjoy the moment and ride the wave of change!

New Season

Today was just an awesome day for our church family. Tonight in our evening service we were given a chance to write scriptures and prayers on the unfinished walls of our renovation project and pray for this new season God is bringing us to. And God's presence was just so sweet and so real with us.

The verse that I chose to write was Habakkuk 2:2-3. Many years ago a sweet lady gave it to me to stand on when we were waiting for God to fulfill his promises and grow our family. The verse is instruction to write down the message, the vision, the promise God has given you so that it can be shared with others. The second part is about the answer being on the way. That the vision is coming and though it may seem slow, we should wait because it will come to pass just like God said it would.

There are a lot of promises God has given our church family about the salvation of kids, about the filling of seats, about growth and we believe God is moving us to season where we see some of the fulfillment of those long awaited things. It's so exciting to be here!

That doesn't mean the devil isn't fighting, but we know our hope is in God through the time of change!

And Pastor Sid was on fire today (although I generally love his preaching, today was just a step above his normal.)This morning he preached about the purpose of the church and it was just so good! He challenged us to be as concerned about those with spiritual homelessness as those with physical homelessness. Wow! So good! The other thing that stuck out was our responsibility to let people know they belong here (at RLC). That God would help us show his love in such a way that when people walk through the doors they would know they were home!

Yeah, a lot to pray about and a lot to trust God for and work toward, but I'm excited about this new season!

New Experiences

The past three Sundays, I've led worship at church. Not because it was really planned that way but because my dad has been voiceless. It started with a cold or something, but I've never had him without a voice for so long that I've had to lead worship for so long. Usually it's more along the lines of " my voice isn't great, so you may need to help me."

Let me say I love worshipping but I'm not a great leader. I tend to get so caught up in organizing and mentally arranging and leading the musicians that worshipping becomes secondary to making sure the songs don't crash and burn. So this has been a learning experience for me and here's what I've learned and God has showed me:

1. It's okay if things aren't perfect. I'm not saying at all that you shouldn't practice or plan for worship, but I am saying that as far as leading worship goes, it is more about worshipping yourself than conducting the band and singers. I can be a bit of a perfectionist and I get frustrated when things don't go in real life as I planned in my mind or when I practiced alone at home. And it derails me, especially when I feel that is my fault as their leader. But I've learned to make inviting God's presence my priority and then not only am I not as concerned about when the songs have hiccups, it also doesn't affect the rest of the song set.

2. I tend to think leading the musicians is more necessary than it really is. Maybe because I want to be led, but the musicians really could mostly follow me with or without my clues. I still gave clues when we were switching sections of songs, but did a lot of verbal clues and it worked. Surprisingly well actually!

I think I got to lead enough that I gained some confidence and I think God was pleased. I enjoyed it even if it wasn't perfect.

New year with new experiences. Exciting stuff!

Learning from the Past

A week or so ago I had a friend post in Facebook the biggest lesson she learned in the prior year, and it inspired me to blog about what I learned in 2017.

My biggest lessons learned were about friendship. I learned that life is so much fuller with friends. I guess I learned the value of true friends. Not acquaintences, friends. Over time I've just gotten use to having acquaintences but not real friends. Very few people have taken the time to get me and understand me. So I don't trust people to assume the best and try and understand my motives. But this year I had a few friendships that just blossomed and almost unexpectedly turned into relationships that are mutually beneficial and that push me as I pray I push them. Friendships where I feel understood and accepted with all my flaws. Friends whose opinions I trust even if they are initially hurtful. And I have grown as a person because I have allowed those God-given friends in. And it was worth the risk.

I've also learned that even in good solid friendships, I have to be careful where I put my focus. God is my source and I have to learn to follow him and not people, even good Christian people. If my focus is well placed, I'm not as easily disappointed by people but I am able to show grace when people don't meet my expectations (expectations that no one can meet all the time).

It's been a year of change and growth and I'm so glad I was forced to stretch. I'm looking forward to 2018 and all that God holds for me in the next year!