Confidence in 2016

I've been reflecting on the previous years and thinking about what one word I wanted to focus on for 2016.

Confidence

Over this past year especially I have learned to hear God better and clearly know that it is indeed God, but have struggled to take action after I've been given instructions. I'm scared to open my mouth when God has given the words. I second guess. I hesitate. I delay obedience. I have lacked confidence.

So this year I want to get out of my own head and open my mouth when God speaks with confidence before I can talk myself out of it.

I want to be confident that God is working behind the scenes when I am tempted to believe he had forgotten me and my needs. Philippians 1:6

I want to come to God confidently, expecting to find help and not be turned away when I am lacking. Hebrews 4:16

I want to be a confident mom, who trusts God to help me make the difficult decisions.

I want to be a confident woman who knows her value is found in who God says I am and not in my abilities and inabilities.

So here's to 2016! Happy new year!

My Haley Girl

Any one out there with a teenage or pre-teen girl? I see that hand. That sad, worn out, frustrated, exhausted hand. Those girls give us a run for our money. 

Between trying to exert their independence and being clearly smarter than us and knowing everything,  I would say this is probably the most difficult age to parent. (Although I'll probably change my mind when the next stage comes.)

I love Haley, really I do, its just hard to be in the same room with her some times. :)

So I've been choosing my battles wisely. Trying to show her that I'm okay with her growing up as long as she can be responsible. And trying very hard to show respect to her especially when it isn't mutual and give her the benefit of the doubt rather than remind her of her negative tendencies. And pray for her A LOT rather than try and force her to mature and be respectful. (Please don't read any of this to mean I am perfect, because I'm not even close.)

In the past couple of days she has randomly come over to give me a hug or tell me thank you for little things. The other day when she was doing her nightly devotions she thanked God for us. These are all little things, but I'm choosing to see them as an answer to prayer. A step in the right direction.

I really want to have a close relationship with my Haley Girl (all my kids, really, but I'm not worried as much about the other 4), so I hope we are seeing the beginning of some mutual respect at least.  I know we won't always agree, but as long as she knows I love her, we've at least got some ground to build on.

Still Enough

It's Christmas Eve, also known as Katelynn's birthday. We have had a small celebration including pizza for dinner and now the kids are watching Despicable Me in their new jammies.  I would have loved to go to a Christmas Eve service somewhere, but I don't want to go alone and tonight is a later night at work for BJ than usual.

Finished another book today which brings my total for 2015 to 26 books, only 4 of which were nonfiction. The other 22 books were Karen Kingbury books (Christian fiction). And although these books are definitely my escape from reality, these particular books always point back to the faithfulness of God. They challenge me to trust God more. To rely on him better.

This statement jumped out at me today:

Even if God doesn't______(fill in the blank), He is still enough.

Think about it. How often does our understanding of God's ability to provide and to take care of us depend on him answering our prayers in the way we think best?

When God answers by choosing to take someone to heaven rather than heal them here or allow people to grow apart and find him in their own way rather than reconcile them back to us HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

When God's answer to our prayer is no or not now, HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

When God lets us go through the most difficult unexpected circumstances rather than deliver us from them, HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

Even if I never feel like I am enough for this crazy calling we call motherhood, HE IS STILL ENOUGH!

Our finite minds can never understand the infinite wisdom of God and yet we are frustrated when he doesn't do things the way that appears easiest to us. If I can understand God, I have put him in a box and limited him by my unbelief.

I've been going through some spiritual stretching and growing and it hurts. My kids often have growing pains/cramps at night and I've never understood (I never had any of that growing up), but I'm starting to understand on a spiritual level what that is like.

I feel lost sometimes and like I'm living on my own planet at others. Often when I come to the throne room of God, I feel so broken and inadequate for the task at hand. I fail. He knows it and chose me anyways. I've learned to go to him with a heart of praise and worship, especially when I don't have mental energy for it. And he's faithful to meet me there.

Because he is and will always be enough for me! Not because of me, but all because of him!

Looking Back

This past weekend I had a friend tell me "I remember when you were 15, 16, 17. Your were so rude and arrogant. I'm glad you outgrew that."

And it hurt me.  Not in a way that I was crippled by pain or immediately broken to pieces, but it still hurt.

I know I'm not the person I used to be.

I know that the person people saw back then was not the real me either. I appeared confident, even arrogant but I was really a lost girl trying to find my way. Trying to earn acceptance by being the best whatever the cost.  Trying to be what I thought people expected me to be.

This whole conversation brought on 2 thoughts.

1. If I was really so bad and ugly, why didn't some one love me enough to tell me? Granted, I'm not sure I would have accepted it or even listened. The mature grown up me now thinks I might have tried to make a change, but maybe not.

2. If I outgrew it, and turned out okay, maybe my kids will outgrow it too.  Their struggles aren't the same as mine were. We are from totally different worlds. Different personalities. Different issues. As a parent you want to help your kids. Because you feel it is your job to teach them. To change them. And yet, God is the one who has to do the changing.

I think when I'm frustrated, I picture my kids bigger and older with the same immaturity issues. That's what worries me. I tend to forget that even apart from a mom with the best intentions who tries too hard to fix it all, as we grow up, we change and learn on our own. That life itself (as controlled by a loving Father and God) creates change in us. Maybe not instantaneously, but growth and change nonetheless. And often times, we don't even realize we are changing to be who God intended until we are able to look back and reflect later.

So I keep praying, daily placing my kids in His very capable hands, knowing he plans good for them and it'll all work out as I trust Him.

Disappointment

With the new year approaching, I've started thinking about what I'd like to change for the new year.  Many of us make new goals and resolutions, knowing we will probably not finish the year with as much determination as we started. And some of us choose to not even make resolutions to begin with.

The new year is as good a time as any to work on ourselves.  To set new goals and start to strive towards them.

As a Christian, every year I strive to be closer to Jesus. To be more obedient when he speaks. To spend more time in prayer and his word. (My goals are usually more specific than this so that they can be measured.)

And about a month in, we have failed ourselves, totally forgotten our goals and given up again.  Promising to never waste our energy on making silly unattainable goals and deceive ourselves by thinking we can actually change our habits and routines.

And if you are anything like me, you get disappointed with yourself. With your inability to follow through. With your unsuccessful struggle to be more like Him.

But God hasn't given up on us and he is certainly not disappointed.

Let me be totally honest here. I've been really disappointed with myself lately for not being all things to all people. For not being a perfect mom and wife (which should result in perfect children and a perfect marriage.) For not spending as much time with God as I'd like. For not being the perfect example I feel like everyone at church expects me to be. After all, in my mind, this is totally doable. I'm only working part time. I only have 5 kids, most of who "take care of themselves." Other people have accomplished such a feat, right?

And when God is silent (as he is sometimes), I'd be lying if I said I didn't entertain the thought that maybe it's because of something I've done or not done (if only for a moment as I know this is the devil's work).

We are human and we will fail. That is normal.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
All we like sheep have gone astray. Isaiah 53:6

 But God is gracious and His love remains, even in our faults and failures.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. I Corinthians 12:9

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

So instead of being disappointed in my failures, I am reminded that I just need to learn to lean on God a little more and depend on him instead of foolishly thinking I can handle it all on my own.

Three Months

I know that I'm behind, but at least this blog is getting done at all. 

My sweet girl Julia was three months old Thanksgiving week. At three months old, her clothes are true to size as she is just getting into her 3-6 month clothes. I have a few 0-3 month dresses I'm trying to get her to wear one more time before they are too small. 

She is sleeping through the night (from 10 to 6) or so. She usually falls asleep by 9 and then I wake her up for her 10 o'clock feeding before I go to bed. She goes to sleep pretty easily and stays asleep, unlike Seth. Somehow, I have been blessed with an even easier baby than Seth this time around, and I though Seth was easy. I'm pretty sure he woke up at least once a night until almost a year old.

And she is a great eater still. It's so weird to hear people comment on how big/chubby she is for her age. She is average as far as percentages go, but Seth was/is sooo small!

She already says "MaMa" but only as a part of her cry. I really think she says it in reference to me, but maybe that's just wishful thinking.

She is fussy in the evening and oftentimes I am the only one that can make her happy. Not really loving that, but this too will pass. Sometimes it's nice to be needed, but I will be totally fine when this stage passes.

She is really smiley and starting to giggle. Her smile and giggle are contagious. I love watching the other kids, including Seth, try to make her smile or laugh.  Seth's sweet voice when he talks to her is so precious!

Between a three year old who is in his rebellious stage and a 3 month old who cries only for me in the evening, I am pretty over this. I guess this is God's way of reminding me our family is complete. 

Happy three months sweet girl!!

Identity

I've had the song "Good Good Father" resonating in my head for a few days. The line that speaks to me says "and I'm loved by you. It's who I am."

We aren't loved by God because we are special or have attained something. Because he loves us, we are something. The love of our perfect father makes us who we are. He is our identity.

How many times in life do we strive and strive to win someone's approval or acceptance only to find that we have lost our identity in trying to be accepted? With God it is just the opposite. We aren't really ourselves until we accept the love only he can give. 

It just shows that we were created to love and be loved by God. When we reject that love and search everywhere else to "find ourselves," the more lost we become. We will never be more ourselves than when we are in his arms being loved by Him.

I wish those searching could see that he is the only answer. The acceptance and love they are searching for. So many struggles and so much hurt could be avoided if they would only turn to God instead of running from him.

We are loved by Him and that makes us who we are.

Thankful Box

In Royal Rangers, Daniel made a thankful box. He brought it home with blank papers for his family to write what they were thankful for and why. Because of the busy schedule of the last couple of days and because we forgot to take the box to my mom's on Thanksgiving, we did this fun family activity last night. I thought I'd share what we are thankful for this year. Daniel made me promise to share them all. I edited for spelling but didn't change the wording. I wanted to use up all the papers so I have more than everyone else.

B.J. - I am thankful for my kids because God gave them to me.

Katelynn - I am thankful for a God who made me special the way I am because he loves meeeeeeeeeee!!
               - I am thankful for a not drunk mom and dad that I can trust because I had harmful parents that owned me and it was scary to be there as young as I was you see.

Daniel - I am thankful for my family because they love me.
            - I am thankful for my toilet so I don't have to go in my pants.

Haley - I am thankful for Dad and Mom because they are awesome and groovy.
           -I am thankful for you all because you're awesome.....ya ya ya.
           -I am thankful for Seth because he makes me happy when I'm sad. He's funny.

Sandra - I am thankful for health for me and my family because there are many people who deal with sickness more than us.
            - I am thankful for my family because I didn't think I'd ever have kids, but God blessed me with five.
            - I am thankful for music because it allows me to express myself without words.
            - I am thankful for the ability to work fewer hours because I enjoy being able to help my kids with school work and being involved on their lives.
           - I am thankful for B.J. because he loves me and supports me.
           - I am thankful for God's forgiveness when I mess up and the chance to try again.
          - I am thankful for God choosing to use me because it feels awesome to see the result of obedience when he speaks.

Being intentionally grateful always seems to put things in perspective. No matter how rough life is, there are always things to be thankful for. It just shows the faithfulness of God in every part of our lives.

Law vs Faith

I've been reading in Leviticus during my devotions. It's not my favorite book of the Bible because it has historically difficult for me to glean some application or useful information from.

Leviticus lists all the offerings required for each different sin and what is required as far as holiness and cleanliness. What you can and can't eat to be acceptable to God. What you can touch and can't touch and what you have to do to be made clean again after you touch something unclean.

I would assume most Christians are grateful that we are no longer under the law and God just requires us to have faith and believe in him to be saved and made righteous before him.

But sometimes, for me at least, faith is hard. I'd rather do all the tedious things required by the law then simply believe. Then I could be sure that I was doing my best before God. Doing what he required. Because the requirements are spilled out in list form and I can check them off and know I have done it all.

It's hard to measure faith. Am I really believing God to be God? Am I believing enough? Fully. Completely. With all my heart. And even faith requires action. So I get stuck in the doing rather than the believing, or at least that is my tendency. I'm working on it with God's help.

Wednesday we drove by a place on the side of the road decorated with crosses and flowers in memory of someone who had died in a car accident. Katelynn said it'd be scary to die like that. I asked her why and she said because she hopes she would go to heaven. I explained to her that since she'd asked Jesus into her heart and was living to please him, she didn't have to worry. Jesus promised us heaven and we can be sure he wouldn't lie to us. She responded with "okay" and went on, no longer worried. Childlike faith. So simple, uncomplicated.

We make it so difficult. I want to be in the center of God's will so I complicate things trying to believe and do, do and believe, instead of just obeying and following and trusting.

God help me to just pursue you, love you, obey you, knowing you will take care of all of me!

Three

 Seth turned three on November 14th and had a Toy Story themed birthday party on his birthday. This party, although a family party which is our norm, seemed like more of a party. Maybe that's because Jill and Sam and their girls came which added some more kids than just mine. Maybe it's because Seth wanted everyone to wear costumes. Either way, fun was had by all.

 Seth got a Buzz Lightyear toy, sand table, motorized tricycle/motorcycle and roaring dinosaur book. He has since played with each of these, so I know he likes them all.

 The big thing about Seth turning three is the big push for potty training. He generally does pretty good, but its a day to day thing. Maybe by Christmas he'll be there. I'm ready to get rid of buying 2 sizes of diapers. He is so big and grown up in many ways and this is the last thing we need to accomplish. We are just trying to be consistent and reward and punish him accordingly.

Being home with him (and Julia) for 7 weeks really gave me an opportunity to bond with him more. He's really into Buzz Lightyear, reading books, and doing puzzles. He likes to point out question marks and exclamation marks in his books. He also makes up songs about everything, like the famous "Poop in the Potty" song and dance posted on facebook. He reminds me of my dad in that way. He is very musical (how could he not be) so I expect music to always be a part of his life. He is such a sweet and funny boy. 

I love having conversations with him because he thinks through things out loud (just like Katelynn did at 5 years old.) He notices everything and will correct you if you call Julia and him anything other than their names (like sweet boy or pretty girl). He has learned that our last name is Fowler (even though he calls it our middle name) and thinks everyone in his family has the same last name, including my parents who he calls Grandma Fowler and Grandpa Fowler where it should be Hutsell. He says our pretend names are Mom and Dad.

He generally eats okay, but his biggest meal of the day is still easily breakfast. When he won't eat if you say "Don't you eat my bite" he will rebelliously eat it all. If he doesn't want to eat the meal he will say he's not hungry only snacky, which means he wants a snack and I'm sure he got from me.

 

At church he always finds Pastor and asks for "one of those little chocolate things" and is rewarded with a Hershey's Kiss. He can sweet talk anyone out of "circle money" or candy.

He likes to say "that's so silly" when something doesn't make sense or he is acting crazy.

He's a smart one and can retell his Sunday school lesson each week. Currently he is getting the same lesson on Sundays and Wednesdays which helps him remember especially at such a young age. I love all the God songs he knows from Bible Study Fellowship and church.

He is at such a fun age. I'm so glad I get to be his mom!

Significance

From my vantage point at the piano, I have a different perspective than most during praise and worship.

Today I watched my friend struggling with her nieces during worship. See, she has recently taken in these girls and they haven't really been in church much of their lives. I was brought to tears as I thought about the opportunity they now have to choose God and learn to love and serve him all because she was willing to give up ease and comfort and inconvenience herself to care for these girls. She is making such a difference for these little lives.

And God reminded me that my situation is no different than hers. Sure, before we became a family of 5 I was aware of the eternal impact we were choosing to make for these three souls, but since then, I've gotten a little lost in the weeds.

In both cases, these kids were unchurched. If they had stayed in their previous situations, they may never have known the love of God. His grace and mercy. Or the love of a parent who will selflessly give up so much to help them and provide for them.

It'd hard sometimes to remember there is more than mounds of homework every day. More than the constant refereeing and teaching appropriate behavior.  Not that teaching kids to serve God is difficult for us since we don't know any other way, but its easy to get lost in the details and forget the big picture. The significance of our obedience.

Thank you, God, for allowing us to make a difference. For entrusting us with something that is significant for your kingdom.

Hope

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened that you may know the hope of his calling... Ephesians 1:17

Hope is such an important thing. Without hope, there is no motivation. No reason to continue. No anticipation of the future.

There are times when the very thing God has called you to, promised you, seem so far away and the possibility of reaching it, of seeing the fulfillment seems almost too small to mention.

Nonetheless, if God called you to it, there is hope.

The devil likes to toy with our perception. See he can't change God plan but he can change how we see it or feel about if, so that is where he focuses his attention. On our perception. If he can get us to feel hopeless instead of hopeful, we will stop pursuing. Stop pressing on. And he will have won, if even for the smallest moment.

I have days where I have to remind myself that what I feel is not reality. That God has such a beautiful ending on the other side of this test. This mountain. And if I give up now, I may never get to see it.

So today I will keep going. Not giving up now. Because I know he who promised is faithful and there is hope even in this dark valley.

Called to This

This morning was hard! I was running behind (not the kids, me) because this weekend has been a whirlwind and I didn't get bottles washed and was generally not ready for the day. So I was trying to get everything done so we could get out the door and to school/Nana's/work. I wasn't yelling, I was just focused and moving as fast as possible to get things done.

The kids started arguing about something piddly and I just broke down.Tears flowed as I finished getting everyone and everything ready.

And God very clearly said "I called you to this." It settled my soul, but I still felt broken, inadequate and like such a waste of time.

It pretty plain to see that God has changed me through the processing of learning to become a parent. I had such great ideas of how nicely it would all work and turn out. I was determined to be a dictator and to make my kids do what I wanted them to. After all, I am nothing if I don't have it all together. Or that's how I felt when this journey started.

God has sense taught me grace and how to be patient and loving more than I am a strict dictator.  And that is not my natural tendencies so it is hard for me. And although that sounds all nice and lovely, I have learned that even parenting God's way doesn't mean the results will be what you wish for.

Some days I feel like I give and I give and I give and I get nothing in return. That I care way more about them and their success than they do. That I am wasting my time in trying to motivate and/or help them.

But I was called to this.

Why would God call me to be disrespected. Hurt. Insulted. by the very people I'm trying to guide?

Because their souls are worth my feelings being hurt. I'm strong enough to endure even the most difficult emotional days for their sake. I just have to keep it all in perspective and never give up. For he who called me is faithful.

By the time I got home, my energy was renewed and I was ready to go again. Some days/moments are really hard! Some are great! But mostly its just life.  Doing what I was called to do.

This afternoon I found myself helping three kids with different math homework while holding a fussy baby and supervising Seth on the trampoline. Never a dull moment around here. I couldn't help but smile at what "normal" looks like for me. And I thought my life was busy and full before I had kids. I clearly had no clue!

2 Month Checkup

My sweet girl is growing like a weed. She had her 2 month appointment on Monday this week. She weighs 11lb 13oz and is 23.25 inches long. In the past month she has started smiling a lot. She has a fussy time each evening, but besides that, she's a really good baby. It's funny how all the little details don't mean as much with your second baby. 

This month I went back to work and she took to a bottle like a champ. I am breastfeeding at home and she gets breastmilk in a bottle while I am at work. When you exclusively breastfeed, you really don't know how much in ounces she drinks until you have to pump. She eats about 4 ounces every 4 hours during the day. From everything I've read, and based on her measurements, she is eating normally for her age. She is starting to look like a chunky breastfed baby and I love it. Seth never did that, but you all know we had issues with him eating enough. He was so low key he'd rather sleep than eat. She eats every 4 hours and usually has a longer stretch of 6-7 hours at night, however, the past week or so she has woke up every 4 hours like clockwork. Maybe she is having a growth spurt, but last night she had a longer stretch again. Because I am feeding every 4 hours instead of the 3 like Seth, my schedule feels so much more relaxed. For a long time, I was feeding Seth when we got to church and then again after worship/before church was over. Because Julia eats every 4, I either feed her at home before we go to church and then again after church or when we get to church (about 9) and she goes until we are done with lunch. It is so nice not worrying about her starving to death like I did with Seth. Second time is so much more relaxed.

This month she also moved to her crib. I guess I started putting there most of the night when I went to back to work and she has been exclusively in her crib since probably the end of that first week. I can put her down when she is almost asleep and she will stay in her crib and fall asleep. Seth used to fall asleep on the couch and have to be asleep for 10 minutes before I could safely move him without waking him up. He also had quite a few more nights that he would start in the crib and then not go to sleep again in his crib after his middle of the night feeding, so he'd end up in the pack in play in our room.

She is in size 0-3 months clothes and newborn shoes. She has some cute 0-3 month shoes that I haven't been able to put on her and keep on her yet. I dress her up for church complete with bows, ruffle socks and her one pair of newborn church shoes that fit.we haven't repeated 0-3 month dresses yet, but may start doing so soon. I was able to get her in a couple of her newborn dresses twice before we had to move up a size. I really haven't spent much on clothes. Between what we got as presents and what I have on loan from my sister, she is pretty much set. I haven't been through all of her onsies yet, but she has quite a few cute long sleeve onsies, perfect for the current weather. She looks good in every color, but that's the biased mom talking.

She likes to coo and talk to us and can switch from being happy to fussy very quickly. She is a sweet girl and perfect addition to our family.

Happy 2 months, Julia!

Lightbulb Moment

Ever had one of those moments where God speaks and you get a glimpse of understanding into the big picture as God sees it? I had one such moment today. Let me start by saying I know that no words will fully explain what I now understand as God's plan, but I'm gonna try anyways.

For me, I kinda feel like I'm two different people. On the natural side I am Sandra the mom and wife. Those are important roles and God has put my family together and placed me in this position.

On the spiritual side, God has placed certain callings and anointing on me for use in his kingdom and within the church body.

I have been going through a time of change for the past 4 years. From my naturally rigid, perfectionist self to someone who can be flexible and go with the flow. And it has been very good for me and has helped me adapt to my "new" role as a mom of many and dealing with the unexpected nature of parenting and big families. And other parts of my natural life have benefited as well.

But today God showed me that although my kids are a blessing from Him and being their mom is a ministry, they are the tool God is using to make me more flexible for his bigger kingdom plans and purposes. There are ways God wants to use me that require me to trust Him more and be flexible enough to obey one step at a time. In order to see the fullness of what God intends, I have to continue to allow him to make me flexible.

God made me the perfectionist, orderly person I am. So it seems weird that he is changing me to be different than how he made me. But I have learned that both structure and flexibility have their place. Structure and being rigid have served me well. Those tendencies are why I have been stubborn enough to not give the devil a foothold, to become grounded in God's word, to build a strong foundation in God. I am not saying I'm perfect or never fall, but I have been blessed enough to learn to stand my ground against the devil at an early age and have been practicing it for many years. Because I naturally don't do anything half hearted. I am driven and determined and those things came from God.

The rigidity has served its purpose in seasons of my life. It has made me who I am. But now its time to learn to be flexible and obedient if I am to become the fullness of who God intends.

Some days (if I'm honest, most days) I wish I could see how all this turns out. But alas, I can't so I have to keep trusting that God hasn't left out any details. I have no problem believing God for the big things, but my personality hesitates to believe that anyone can remember all the details like I can. But he is God and even though my need for control makes it hard for me to let go, I know and say by faith that he also can handle all the details of my life perfectly and I will choose to trust him in this.

The Right Choice

Well I am almost two weeks into my new normal of part time work and being available more in the evenings for homework help and mom duties. The first week back to work was not good. In 2 days, I dealt with 4 school behavior issues. You know it's bad when you are on the phone with the vice principle talking about two different issues with two different kids. Definitely not one of my proudest parenting moments. (On a side note, I have learned that kids who make bad choices are not always the result of bad or uninvolved parents. You can only do/teach/say so much. Kids have to make their own choices.)

By the end of week one, however, I started seeing some changes for the better. They are making better decisions and becoming more self motivated to do well.  My kids fluctuate from not caring (or acting like they don't) to setting lofty goals that aren't realistic and setting themselves up for failure and disappointment. So we are learning that doing well at school is more like a marathon than a sprint. They are doing better at continuing to put forth effort, asking for help, and letting me help them.

And God is providing our needs financially. Where I didn't expect a paycheck until November 9th, I met some production goals in my absence and got a $4000 bonus.

So I'm seeing that this was the right choice for us. That God led us to this place and he is taking care of us like he promised.

Back At It Again

Today I got the opportunity to preach at my home church again. Since about half way through the pregnancy, I've been taking a break from this kind of ministry. I can't imagine why anyone would think I was exhausted or needed a bit of a break (Ha!Ha!).

Like most other times, I felt a little unprepared to share God's word. I do all that I can to prepare as far as studying but God requires that I depend on him, and I think that feeling a little unsure is God's way of making sure that happens.

Since God has started opening these doors, there is one thing I have prayed and desired more than anything. That God would confirm His word with signs following. (Mark 16:20) And today he did just that. Praise God!!  There is nothing better than God saying "Good job! You did exactly what I asked!" by choosing to use the word he spoke through you to touch others in a very visible way.

Back to preaching today and back to work tomorrow. I'm ready to get back to my new normal.

New Season

It's a new season. It's a new day.
A fresh anointing coming my way.
A season of power and prosperity.
It's a new season coming to me.

As I've alluded to in some previous posts, I've felt like God was preparing me for some new things in my life on multiple fronts but wasn't really sure what was coming. I guess we never really know what God is preparing us for until the doors open and we walk through it.

For a while I have been stretched a little thin between my parenting/family responsibilities, church responsibilities, and work responsibilities. But I was so used to working in those situations and getting things done, I just felt like this was my life. And I was okay with it and felt like I was doing pretty well on most fronts. Of course I'd have my moments when I'd break down, but I would recover and keep on trucking.

But God has been expanding my mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. In the past, I was more than happy to be a team player and work whatever it took so that all things were being covered both at church and work. No one had begged me to help, but I also didn't see anyone stepping up to take on what was doing and to make sure things were taken care of well, I did them. I wasn't bitter or mad, but it definitely  took more out of me than I realized.

Well since Julia was born, I've stepped back on Wednesday night and really feel that my girls are being taken care of well. It has allowed me to breathe a little and be able to sit in the Bible Study and learn. I expected to pick that back up after things got settled, but that has been postponed indefinitely as Melanie has offered to teach until further notice.

This week I was given an opportunity to reduce my work hours to 30 a week (of course at a price) so I can better take care of my family and other priorities. The past 7 weeks I have really gotten in a groove with taking care of my kids and really feel good about how they are doing at school. I've been a little worried about how I would maintain what we have going when I return to work. After prayer and discussing with Bj, I've decided this opportunity is what I need to be able to do what is best for my family. This will allow me to drop off and pick up the kids in school every day and cook dinner and handle evening time without nearly as much stress as before.

In our deliberation, God reminded me of something I said sometime after we became parents. "If money wasn't an option, I'd take my kids to and from school and work during the day while they are at school." Well last fall Bj got a new job (that he wasn't really looking for) that has allowed me to reduce my hours and pay first, down to 35 hours and now down to 30 hours. Wow! What an awesome God I serve! He sees me and knows me and has given me the desires of my heart. To be a mom and be available to my kids to help them with God's strength and without as much outside pressure from my job.

I feel like God is freeing up my emotional and mental stress for something else he's about to drop in my lap. He could just be allowing me to be more fully invested in my kids or take a mental break for a while. Whatever it is, it will be new to me. I'm excited to see what happens next!

I Didn't Even Cry

The past two days, I have gone to three different teacher meetings. This are standard meetings in MISD for all students. Katelynn and Daniel's went pretty much as planned. Haley's meetings always make me nervous. I feel like I have a good idea of what is going on based on what she tells me and usually leave crying from what she didn't tell me. Maybe it's so emotional because I try every year to be hopeful and leave the meeting disappointed. In my ability to help her. In her ability to take help and let it move her forward. Feeling hopeless.

But by the time I left her meeting today, I felt really proud of her. I feel like her teachers and I have a common understanding and I'm really hopeful to see her growth this year. In the past week I feel like Haley and I have reached an understanding and she's trying, at least for now, to be open with me and stop trying to hide things from me. And by herself, without grade adjustment because she is labeled special ed, she passed all her classes the first 6 weeks. I praying things only go up from here.

The teachers said great things about her behavior, and they all really enjoy having her as a student. She tried to push some boundaries at first but has settled in and generally does what she should. They had a lot of positive things to say about her and I'm really proud of her maturity.

I really feel like she'll be able to keep doing better and be successful in school this year and in the future. Praise God!! There have been a lot of prayers for my sweet girl and I'm glad to see improvements on all fronts!

Provider

I very rarely talk about finances and especially not on this blog. It's just kind of a private thing people either don't talk about because they aren't good with money or they are and feel guilty about it because other people around them are having a hard time. We fall in the latter category mostly (depending on what group of friends we are around).

We have just always been faithful tithers and have been able to have extra money to give to others as God leads or we are able.

When we started planning to expand our family, I immediately started looking at how much it would cost to have Julia. Not living cost, but just her actual delivery and hospital stay. We have a high deductible health insurance plan and our family deductible is $5,000 before they cover 80%. Shortly before we were pregnant, we found out that our insurance was dropping the only hospital my doctor delivers at, so we decided to self pay (which is cheaper than running through insurance with a $15,000 out of network deductible). So we got pregnant knowing we would be using savings to pay for the baby. Praise God we had savings to cover it all!

Long story short, we have paid about $7,000 (doctor, hospital, etc) so far not including the epidural. We got the bill for $3800 for the epidural without insurance. Most of the doctors/services have been on our insurance, but not the hospital itself. I called to provide insurance info and should get another bill in 45 days. Yes, we have the money to cover the costs, but I don't want to deplete our savings, and it makes me nervous! I have been praying (kinda secretively) that God would just keep giving us favor and taking care of us and that I wouldn't worry about it. I won't get another pay check until November 9th, so our savings, the short term disability payment received, and Bjs checks have to be enough to cover us in the mean time.

Today I went to my doctor for my 6 week check up. I paid him $2,200 in May for the delivery and haven't really thought about it since then. I intentionally spread out the payments, knowing I wouldn't have normal income after the birth. This is about what I paid him to deliver Seth a few years back. Before I left, he told me they owed me some money because of something with the insurance and more being applied to my deductible . I was thinking some small amount like $100. The check was for almost $2,000!

Right there in the doctors office I found myself saying "Praise God!"

Sometimes I wonder if God will help me when my need isn't as big as someone else's. Not as dire or necessary. After all, we do have money to cover all these expenses, so we don't NEED his provision as much as someone living paycheck to paycheck. And yet, I know better than to doubt him. As we are faithful, he will continue to be faithful to us!

I'm so thankful for how God takes care of his own!

Marriage and Kids

Marriage is hard. Much harder than any unmarried person will ever understand. It can be even harder with kids if you aren't careful.

Things for us have never been conventional. The whole adoption process including many parenting and what to expect classes actually really helped our marriage. They made us discuss things and we decided to be a solid unified front. In preparation for kids, we were forced to share goals and dreams for them and how our family would look. It unified us.

Before kids, we could very easily be two adults, living separate lives and sharing a house. (Before marriage or even the thought of it, we already knew we agreed on the bigger issues, so I'm talking more about the day to day.) We could very easily get up, go to work, come home, spend the evening on our phones and then retreat to bed (especially since I tend to be a night owl and he a morning person).

I am not denying the fact that life with kids is more difficult than life without, but it has at least made us discuss things together as it relates to them. Now, we could still not take time to work on us, but at least we were going to talk about them and make decisions as a team about them.

After we had Seth, our marriage went through a rough patch, as I'm sure most marriages do. I was tired, dealing with a whole new set of stressors including getting a feeding/sleeping schedule for a new born and I felt like he was not involved and couldn't be. I chose to exclusively breast feed until Seth could have cow's milk, which again isolated us. His territory was the big kids and mine was Seth. Some of that is natural for new moms, but we didn't make time to connect for our marriage. And I won't even discuss the physical side of our marriage, but that was a big part of our issues at that time stemming from before we had kids.

At some point, we both realized that the marriage we were living was not the marriage we wanted. And we both looked for answers. I have to give Bj a lot of credit. I totally believe it was a God thing, but in this one area of our lives he chose to not be passive. We started having serious discussions about what was broken and needed fixing and what steps needed to be taken to do that. God led us to some good resources and we have since been able to enrich our marriage to a relationship I only dreamed about in the earlier years.

All that to say, after Julia's birth, it has been totally different. I have since realized that where I felt like the kids were adjusted when we had Seth, his birth and the subsequent adjustments compounded on what we were already dealing with/working to figure out for our family. Or maybe I am different. Yes, God has changed me as a mom, as a wife, as a person. (Goodness, if God can change stubborn, type A personality, selfish me, he can change anyone!)

I no longer look on from the outside wishing my marriage was as good as the next person. I don't resent my children or wish to be more like someone else who I was convinced could juggle the life God has chosen for me with better success.

Things are far from perfect, but I am starting to believe that God has and will provide the strength I need, one day at a time, if I'll let him. I guess I should point out that all this self reflection is coming at a time where I am not back to work yet. I'm sure when we through that back in the mix my stress levels will rise, but even in that I can choose to let God lead me and not get so overwhelmed. I have a great husband and awesome kids. I want to look back some day and smile at this life I've chosen for me and how in general I lived it, enjoying the moments, being gracious and thankful instead of disappointed and angry. Choosing for my home to be a place of love and growth and not strife.

On the 14th of this month, we will have survived 4 years of life as parents. I almost can't remember life before then. I've learned to love the constant activity and enjoy the moments (although it is a constant choice I must make). My life is richer because of them. My marriage is better because the addition of kids made us intentionally work on us and not be lazy or passive. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Football Mom

I have been very careful not to overstretch my family with commitments over the years. Each kid has taken their turn playing sports and doing an extracurricular activities. In the spring I finally bit the bullet and committed Daniel to play football. This has been the biggest time commitment by far and I knew that going in. If I wasn't off on maternity leave for 7 of the 10 weeks, I honestly don't think I would have signed him up, at least not for the first year when I really wasn't sure how much time it would require of us.

But I am glad I let him play. He practices 3 days a week and has been pretty good at getting homework done right after school. Most of the time BJ is home in time to take him to practice and then pick him back up after the other kids are in bed. His team is 4-0 and Daniel is so excited! His basketball team never won a game, so it feels good to win. Even though he doesn't get to play a lot, it does something for his self esteem to see his team win. He was the first captain last week which meant he got to lead the team in stretches and got to talk to the refs (his words) at the beginning of the game on Saturday.

Last week Daniel almost had an interception. The ball came right to him but he wasn't able to hold on to it. Now he prays for another chance at an interception each week. He hasn't complained once about not getting to play as much as some kids (it is his first year), but he eagerly await his turn on the sidelines and cheers on his team while he waits. His coaches are doing really good teaching and encouraging him, so this has been a really good experience for him.

And I love football! We go to the games as a family and cheer him on. Seth is so funny copying whatever he hears people yelling. He likes to yell "Go Daniel!" as loud as he can regardless of whether Daniel is on the field at that moment. He'd has also sweet talked other parents out of candy and other food during the game.

When football is over, I'm sure he'll feel like he has so much free time. Hopefully he'll continue to do his homework first thing without complaining and enjoy time to play. I think he'll want to play again next year, and as long as he can keep a good attitude and stay in top of his school work, I'm happy to sign him up again.

Prayers Please

As I'm sitting here feeding my sweet girl, checking facebook, email, etc, I ran across a simple request from a friend. It wasn't directed at me specifically, and yet I took it upon myself to entertain the request.

Prayers please.

I know that facebook has made the world a lot smaller and has provided a place to express oneself, to share our lives in small bits with each other. I also know that facebook is not the complete picture (at least not for most of us).

And yet, it is not that uncommon to see a request for prayer. It made me wonder what this request was really asking for. Do people actually expect us to pray or is this one small way to let others know we are going through something? That we'd appreciate support during this time. That we and our lives are not perfect but that we are struggling.

And does every person who likes that status actually pray or is it an acknowledgement that we see the posted status and recognize or understand the sentiment?

And who do they expect their friends to pray to? As a Christian I would assume the status refers to the god of the Bible, but there are others who pray to another god. Or does the poster just want someone to do something to help them? Do they want a "like" so they don't feel alone.

Today I took up the request, and asked God for a miracle on their behalf. Because I actually believe God still does miracles. That he isn't some pie in the sky idea but a real, loving, caring God that is able to even move mountains and control nations and rulers so that his will is accomplished on earth. To show his love for people who only call out to him when their plans and methods aren't getting the desired result (in addition to those with relationship with him).

And I wonder how many times God moving on behalf of someone with no relationship with him has brought them to a place of gratitude. To a realization that they are not alone and God does desire to be near to them. To a realization of their need for a savior.

Today at church we sang a song that says "you do miracles so great" and it made me question my faith level. Yes, it is easy to look back and see what God has done, but do I pray expecting miracles now? In my current situation of life. So I used this song as a statement of faith. Declaring God to be a miracle worker for some of the needs I see around me. Calling miracles by the hand of God into the lives of his people.

So if you ask me to pray (and i see your facebook status and I'm reminded of my obligation as a servant of a miracle working God) you can know that at least one person is lifting up your need before a God who can and will meet you where you are.

Because I don't take prayer lightly and I KNOW in whom I believe and HE IS ABLE!

Choose Joy

"...One of the most powerful mood changers God has ever taught me was to open my mouth and say "I choose joy. I may not feel it, but God has appropriated it and I choose it." " Beth Moore

I was working on my Sunday school lesson today and ran across this in some of the literature we are using.

There are a lot of things in our lives we get to choose. Our spouses, where we will live, our occupation, our job, our school and education, and the list goes on. And each of these decisions in turn affect our future.

But none of these affect our day to day as much as the decision to choose joy. Joy is not happiness. Joy is not a change in circumstances but a change in our perception. How many times has my day been horrible because it started with griping at the kids and being irritated (probably irrationally so) at my kids and their choices? Or my spouse? More times than I can count, I have let others choices affect my mood and day.

So starting tomorrow, I plan to start my day the way Beth Moore recommended, by choosing joy. Will you join me?

One Month Already

I had great plans to blog while at home with the littles, but we can all see how well that is going. But I am doing Julia's one month blog today while I'm home with just my sweet girl! Seth is with Nana and they are going to play in the water at a splash pad. I'm sure he'll have so much fun today.

Unlike with Seth, Julia hasn't been to the doctor as often, so my last record of her size is at 2 weeks which was 7 lbs 14 oz and 19.75 inches long. I know she is growing well as her legs and arms have gained an extra crease. She is looking like a chunky breastfed baby and I love it.

She is a great eater still, eating every 3 hours during the day and going for a 6 hour stretch at night. I moved her to her crib the day she turned 4 weeks old. She woke up every 3 hours all night, so I moved her back to our room with the Rock N Play so we could both get more sleep. I moved Seth at 6 weeks so will try to move her again next week sometime maybe. I am not awake with every breath like I was the first time, so she isn't disturbing my sleep by being in our room. I am a big proponent of getting babies to their own rooms as soon as possible for the sake of the parents and their marriage, so she won't be staying much longer.

She can wear some of her newborn clothes, but is mostly in 0-3 months. Yeah for babies fitting in their size only one month after birth!

She is starting to smile and talk some when you talk to her. It is so cute but I haven't managed to catch it in a picture yet. 

She is gassy/has tummy problems some, so she prefers to be on my chest or lay on her side or flat on her back rather than cradled. I'm hoping this will soon mean she'll like sleeping in her crib rather than the Rock N Play which cradles her. I need to buy some music/light toy to put in her crib at night and maybe it'll entertain her while she falls asleep. She prefers to stare at the ceiling/light while laying on her back, but gets bored in the dark, which makes her fussy. Since I keep going back to this, I guess sleeping in her crib is pretty high on my priority list.

I love dressing Julia up just because I can. I remember going to visit Jill and baby Erin when she was about 6 weeks old and the girl had never worn a bow. I dressed her up for church including all the accessories during my visit. Now I get to do it with my living baby doll. I don't always dress her up, but definitely when she has visitors or is going anywhere she gets dressed up complete with bow (half of the time the head band is too big but I keep trying.)

I found Mama (an online app powered by Wish) that sells all things baby and mom for really cheap. I bought Julia a couple of pairs of tennis shoes that look like Converse for $4 each. Can't wait to get those. I'm really trying not to buy clothes until I make it through all that she has currently. 

We've had one visitor at home so far and have another coming this week. It's been very low key. Our schedule currently includes taking the kids to school, eating breakfast and watching a movie in the morning with Seth, eating lunch, Seth napping from 12-3 (while I watch adult TV, shower, get dressed and do laundry/chores), and then loading up the littles to pick kids up from school. Once they're home we have homework and dinner preparation before Daniel goes to football practice at 6. Bed time is at 8 and whenever Daniel gets home.

Seth definitely makes having a new born interesting. He is being a strong willed 2 year old, so that is fun. I guess the rest of my life is resolved around being consistent with him when he tries to assert his independence during the day.

I set up the baby monitor cameras this week. One is set in our bedroom so I can watch Seth while he naps during the day and the other on Julia's crib. Once I set it up, it had an interesting affect on Seth. I told him that I could see him and he would need to stay on the bed and take his nap. The monitor has a talk back button so I used it to tell him to lay down and go to sleep the first day. It scared him into submission and he has since talked about the camera talking to him so he needed to obey. He also hides under the pillows so the camera can't see him while he sleeps. And being still while hiding is just the thing that he needs to lay down and take his nap with much less of a struggle.  I think it's kinda funny that he hides while he sleeps, but whatever works. He keeps warning Julia that she needs to stay laying down or the camera will talk to her. Funny guy!

Today Julia and I are taking Daniel lunch and tomorrow Haley is on the schedule. Seth goes to Bible Study Fellowship with my mom on Wednesdays so I plan the few errands I've run on those days or Fridays when Bj is scheduled off. I haven't attempted errands with the two littles by myself because I haven't had to. I did take them to the park one day last week and learned to take a stroller in the future. I had Julia in the Moby and when Seth got tired, I had him on my back. That was crazy!

3 more weeks of lazy!

Taking a Break

Since Julia was born (actually the day before) I have been taking a break from teaching my Wednesday night class. Melanie is scheduled to teach the month of September and then I was going to pick up again.

Well Sunday she told me I could take a break indefinitely. And it feels kinda weird. Lazy almost. I did find a cute craft I am going to help the girls make probably after Thanksgiving and before Christmas, but until then I guess I'm just going to go to Bible study on Wednesday nights or fill in as needed.

I've been teaching on Wednesdays for about 7 years so it just feels weird. I love teaching the girls, but things have changed some since that became my daughters primarily. It's hard to teach your own kids in a setting with other kids. You are either harder on your own kids (that would be me) or easier. It's just weird to change from parent to teacher. I haven't taught Katelynn at all, but teaching Haley is stressful to me, just like parenting her is my biggest struggle right now. I waver somewhere between the hands off take responsibility for yourself approach (which is not really my forte and often feels like an uncaring parent which I am definitely not) to being too much in her business which just encourages her to rebel.

So not teaching her on Wednesday nights right now is definitely a blessing. I love that girl, but as my oldest, she and I get to deal with all the parenting firsts, and I expect more from her. It's just hard!

So I am getting some mental space to just parent and not parent and teach and to focus on the other areas of my life where God is developing me and growing me. Not working and only teaching Sunday every other week should give me free time, and it does, but I need to decompress during the day some to deal with the evenings. I do have 6th, 5th, and 3rd graders with homework to manage as well as the responsibilities Daniel has from playing football (mainly chauffeuring him around or getting Bj to do it.) NCIS is my current time waster during the day and I'm really enjoying it!

I need to get Julia on a more consistent schedule, but I'm not really dealing with that yet. She eats about every 3 hours during the day and has two 4.5 hour stretches at night. The main thing I'd like to do is stretch her to every 4 hours during the day and eating at 6:30 or 7 in the morning to better facilitate my work schedule when I go back. That means I need to feed her at about 9:30 at night and again at 2. I don't want to wake her to feed her in the middle of the night, so I'm just not there yet. I think Seth ate at 10, 4, and 7 during the night for a while, but they were concerned about his weight and pushed me to feed every three hours (which I did during the day but not at night). Without those concerns, I just need to try to get her to eat every 4 hours. Yeah, I'm not dealing with that or moving her to her crib for another week or so. Seth was in his crib at 6 weeks, and she is a much better sleeper, so I don't anticipate any problems. She sleeps great in her Rock 'n Play, so that was definitely a good investment if any new or soon to be moms want my recommendation.

I am scheduled to preach on October 18th, so I've started getting some thoughts together. We all know that what I study now is most likely not what I'll be preaching about, but I am getting back in the habit of studying and listening for God to speak. It's been a couple of weeks since I've spent the time in prayer/studying like I like to (with good reason and I know God understands).

A break from some things and diving into others. That's how this life works and I'm trying to enjoy where I'm at before it changes again.

2 Week Checkup

Today Julia had her 2 week checkup. She weighs 7 lbs 14 oz (which is up a pound from discharge and more than birth weight, is 20.25 inches long, and has a 13.58 inch head circumference. These are all totally within normal range (pretty close to 50th percentile actually) which I am not used to.

Today we got to see Dr. Tran, who I really learned to love when Seth was little and we were having all his weight issues. She was surprised to see me and asked about Seth. I think I'll take him with me when we go back to the doctor in ONE MONTH!! At this point with Seth we were going back every week or so for weight checks, so one month between visits is a big deal!

In the past two weeks our sweet girl has changed a lot. In the past few days she has started being aware more during the day instead of just sleeping all the time. Last evening she ate at 6:30, 8, 9, 10, and 12. Cluster feeding is for the birds. But she did sleep until I woke her up at 7 to get ready for the doctor, so there are some advantages I suppose. It just made the evening really long. I suppose she can't be super easy all the time. Bj said she was making up for lost time. 

And she can wear some of her 0-3 month clothes. Seth was 6 weeks behind in clothes and still wears smaller clothes. Maybe this is an indication that she'll be truer to her correct size compared to her age. She has a lot of 0-3 month clothes, so I'd better start going through them all before she's too big. I seriously think she could never repeat clothes before she moves up a size again. She is in size 1 diapers but I will use up the 3-4 newborns I have left soon while they are doable.

Today I heard Seth telling Julia "its okay mommy's here." She wasn't crying but he informed me he was telling her so she'd feel safer. He is such a sweet boy!

Sunday Bj goes back to work so I start my new normal of taking the kids to school and picking them up with the littles in tow. I just have to get them all in the car (with jammies on) by 7:30 and get Seth's nap done early enough I don't have to wake him to pick the kids up.

5 more weeks until the new normal changes again and I go back to work. A little bit at a time we are getting back to real life as a family of 7.

Learning From the Past

So I know this is probably TMI for some of you, but the truth remains the same. I have said many times that if we will learn from our trials and struggles, the next time we are faced with something similar, it will be easier to handle and worth the effort to not just get through it but to defeat the enemy, to rise above the struggle in God's strength.

I have always been a big proponent of nursing my children. With Seth, my goal was to nurse for a solid year until I was able to give him cows milk and not have to buy or supplement with formula. I met that goal, but it was not easy. For at least 6 months he wouldn't eat enough and he wasn't gaining weight like the doctors wanted him to. I tried multiple things at the suggestion of his doctors: Increasing my fat intake (by drinking more milk and ice cream myself), feeding him more often including waking him up to feed him (which I am against), making sure he sat up for 30 minutes after eating to aid digestion and decrease the frequency of spit ups, etc.

And each time I went back to the doctor, I felt like I was just not good enough to properly feed my son, that I wasn't doing enough and was failing him.

Yes, I made it through and Seth is totally fine, but it was definitely a struggle I had to rise above. Poor boy is still small for his age and I have the hardest time finding him pants that are both long enough and skinny enough for his waist. But he is fine. He is healthy and thriving.

So this time, with Julia, I had the same goals for myself and I don't see any reason that will be an issue. I feel like I've been down this road (the much more bumpy version) and I've learned to just keep moving forward one day at a time and things will work out.

I was a little concerned that she was only nursing on one side and maybe not getting enough nourishment, but I just kept going and that has evened out. I didn't stress or worry or blame myself for her "what ifs" but just kept going, doing what I knew from my previous experiences.

OK, let me make this spiritual, which is really where I was going with this.

How many times when God takes us down a path do we question and worry if things will turn out the way we expected? And yet, if we will keep on moving forward, trusting him one day at a time, we have learned from the past that God will see us through and take care of the details of our lives. And the next time we go through a similar battle, we can look back and remember where he has brought us through before and KNOW that he will do it again.

How many times did God remind the Israelites of his provision? Of the victories he had already won for them? Of his ever present hand in time of distress? Why? So they could build their faith to trust him more each day.

Reminds me of the song "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus." There is a line in the chorus that says "how I've proved him o'er and o'er." And yet when we get in the middle of the struggle, we want to cry out to God, begging him to come through as if we aren't sure that he will. But he's done it before and will always show himself, again and again. That doesn't mean it will look exactly the same as before, but we can rest knowing that God will not leave or forget us, but will be God in our lives if we let him.

So take a moment and look back to where God has brought you from, to the many times he has taken care of you, not envious for days long past, but reminding yourself who your God is and what he is capable of.

Julia's Birth Story

Let me start by saying God is so gracious and merciful! For the most part things went really well. During our few hiccups I just remained focused and wasn't at all anxious or worried. I was totally at peace through every thing and give all the glory!

We were scheduled to be at the hospital at 4:30am on Thursday August 27th. At 3:35, they called us to move it back to 6:15. I was already up and my mom was on her way to my house when we told her so we chatted an hour before I let her go back to sleep and we left for the hospital. We put the car seat base in at about 5:45. Nothing quite like last minute.

We got to the hospital on time and in the first thirty minutes, I got my IV (without passing out), got all the baby/contraction monitors hooked up and Julia started kicking the monitors. I was dilated 2 cm when they started the Pitocin at 7:20. Doctor Wiegman showed up at 8, checked me and I was 3.5 cm and Julia's head at -2 station. He broke my water.

At about 9:45, I got an epidural and was so happy when it took affect. I could still feel the contractions on the top of my uterus, which I don't remember from Seth's delivery. Julia has been so much higher in my ribs the entire pregnancy so maybe that is the reason I felt the contractions so high up with her. At about 10:15 we started noticing a significant heart rate drop for Julia with each contraction down to 60 or 70 beats per minute and quickly recovering to 140 after the contraction was over. At 11 they gave me oxygen to try and help. Seth did the same thing and had the cord around his neck twice so we anticipated the same.

Doctor Wiegman showed up about noon and checked me to find I was complete and ready to push. Mom had just got there with Seth so I said a quick hi and bye before I started pushing. I was surprised he wasn't freaked out with me in a hospital bed, especially because I had oxygen on my face. He was all smiles and excited to meet Julia.

I pushed through three contractions and she was born at 12:10pm. Doctor Wiegman later said he was glad we got her here fast or he was going to have to do something because the cord was around her neck so tightly. She came out a little blue in the face with a bruise across her forehead and on her arm. Her hands and feet were white because of poor circulation during delivery. The nurse said she was glad I wasn't more worried because they were able to give direction without dealing with an emotional mom. As I prayed for, I was blissfully ignorant of how bad it really was or could have been and was able to enjoy her delivery and not worry. That was definitely a God thing!

She weighed 7 lb 5.8 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Bigger than Seth by almost 12 oz. Dr. Wiegman though she may be smaller than Seth due to the measurements of my uterus and weight gain at the end of the pregnancy, but he was wrong. The nurses asked me at some point how big I thought she was and I said bigger than Seth, over 7 pounds, and I was right.

They handed her to me for some skin to skin time and to try an get her to nurse. She didn't want to latch on, which the nurses attributed to her being tired from her tough delivery. The grandparents (minus my dad) were allowed back in about 12:30 and I was told they would take Julia to the nursery about 1:30 to clean her up and get her to cry a bit to help with circulation. Jill and the girls got there about 1 and got to meet Julia before she went back to be cleaned up.

After they took her back to the nursery, the nurse got me cleaned up and into my postpartum/recovery room. As soon as she left, I got out of bed, changed clothes and got settled on the couch. When the next few nurses came in to introduce themselves, they were shocked to find me out of bed and commented how I didn't look like I'd just had a baby. That was my goal from the beginning and I am glad things went well and I could speed up my recovery by being active without overdoing it.

That evening, we had some more visitors including Pastor and Sister Snyder, Kim Williams, my coworkers (Elaine, Shannon, Alex, and Jeff), and all the kids and my mom and dad. We were able to get a new family picture (which we failed to do when Seth was born and I've regretted).

When we left the hospital the day after she was born, Julia's weight was only down to 6lbs15oz, which is about 5% of birthweight. She also was not jaundice at all. Praise the Lord! She had already become a pretty good eater (much attributed to a mom who knew what she was doing) and we haven't had any weight issues with her.

 

We went to the pediatrician on Thursday (9/3) for her first well check and everything was perfect. Her weight was up to 7lb 1oz and she had already grown a quarter of an inch (although the way they measure length is definitely less than perfect) and all her percentages are about average. 25th percentile in weight, 46th percentile in height and 21st percentile in head circumference.  They also told me we could do the 10 day blood test at the office when we go for her 2 week checkup instead of at the hospital. This was an answer to prayer as the hospital where we would normally go for this is not on my insurance, so I'd decided to figure out if there was another way to do this or if we could just avoid it all together. The doctor mentioned it without me even asking, so I know God was making this as easy as possible for me.

And life as a family of 7 has begun!