2014 - The Year I Lose It

Sunday morning at the Fowler household was bad. Really bad. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was done. On the way to church I apologized for overreacting and being frustrated with everyone and everything.  I knew that I blew it. I admitted I messed up and I knew something had to change. I didn't like life the way it was. It wasn't my best and it was doing nothing for my Christian witness in front of my kids. Not a good example for them at all.


But even then God was speaking ever so gently in my ear.

Sandra, you have to give it up.

I really thought I had done so well adapting to life that is less planned and less orderly (in other words life with 4 kids). I was okay with things not being perfect, or so I thought.

Daniel very clearly and sweetly told me what the problem was. My kids didn't know how to please me or how I would respond at any given moment. I would yell at them for not helping and then yell at them for helping but not doing things the "right" way. So I had put myself in the place where I desperately needed help but wouldn't allow myself to be helped at the same time.

Control - I have to be in charge. I have to do everything. I have to be the boss.
Perfectionism - It has to be perfect. All of it. To my standards which I can't even live up to.

And it isn't pretty. At all.

So for 2014, with the help and grace of God, I will lose it all. The control. The perfectionism. The critical attitude. All of it.

Not to say I no longer care or that my life and house will be utter chaos, but I will try to let go, a little more every day, and let my family help me.

So here are my new years resolutions:
1. To ask for help when I need it and not wait until I am overloaded.
2. To not complain about how something is done as long as it is getting done. Most of the time, they just need some direction which leads to the next one.
3. To give clear directions of my expectations which should be attainable depending on who is helping me.
4. To be more compassionate and less critical.
5. To be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to become angry (James 1:19)
6. To respond with a gentle answer. (Proverbs 15:1)
7. To catch my kids doing good and make a point to publicly (in front of the other kids) recognize them for it.
8. To focus on the good things and not the bad things about life in general. Because God is good and life really is good because of the mercy of God when you make yourself see it.
9. To spend more time with God each day.
10. To sing/play piano/play worship music around the house more.

Okay, we'll stop there. This list is pretty tall, but I don't plan to be perfect in all of this in one year, but just to do better, one day at a time. And intentionally strive toward those things. Because I must be the representation of the love of God for my home to be a place of peace for us all.

Merry Christmas!

As I sit down to write this blog post, I am really at a loss for words. I want this to express my feelings about the holiday we celebrate today and yet I don't even know where to begin, so I'll start with one word.

Grateful.

Not because it is November and the "month of gratefulness" or because someone has asked me what I am grateful for, but because I truly don't know where I would be if my Jesus didn't come to earth to make a way for me to come to God and have personal relationship with him.

To me, Christmas is more than a time to be with family and to give gifts to those we love and to build traditions. Those are all nice things, but to me, Christmas really will always be about Christ, the one for whom it is named.

And because of him, I have hope. Hope in the many promises he has given me and faith that he will do exactly what he has said he will do. Hope in the one who has control of all, that he will do what is best for me and will take care of me as only he can. And hope that someday he will come to take me to be with him in heaven and I can be free from this world and it's influences.

I am grateful for the grace of God. Unmerited favor. Just because God chooses to love me, he has placed his hand on my life and blesses me far beyond what I deserve. If you don't believe God is good, just take a look at the kids he gave me. You hear all the horror stories about adopting older kids (meaning babies) and how they come with so many issues and they never really attach to new parents and are permanently scarred. But for the grace of God my kids are more normal than most normal kids. Yes there are struggles , but there are with all kids. In the spectrum of the very things I feared going the adoption route, my kids are so well adjusted and just fit in our family. They even look like us. And then God blessed us with Seth, another precious gift from our loving Father. All because of the grace of God. Amazing!

I am thankful for mercy and forgiveness! Mercy is the reason I am not punished daily when I fail, and I do mess things up often. I am thankful for second chances and do-overs. I strive to be Christlike but I fail sometimes as we all do. But God lovingly picks me up, dries my tears and encourages me to keep on going, allowing his strength to fill the gaps where I am weak. Praise God!!

All this is ours because Jesus came to earth, as a baby, to be our savior. Without  Christ life would be without purpose or hope.

I pray this Christmas you take some time with God to love on him and thank him for his goodness in your life. Because he is worthy of all your praise. No one else has shown such great a love as he did by sending his son to earth just for you.

Responding or Reacting

While I am at work, I long for the days where I can sleep in and get a break from the stress. And when I am at home trying to spend time with my kids, I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle where everything takes forever to accomplish (like laundry or dishes or what have you) and my patience is basically nonexistent.

Which leads me to the topic of my post. How do you respond to the stressful situations of life? Do you react without thought or do you slow down the run away train and respond? I tend to react based on frustration or anger and not respond with the love of God. 

James 1:19-20  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

 Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

So God has been pinpointing my knee-jerk reactions and there has been a whole lot of apologizing and do-overs in my house lately.  I used to think it was a bad thing when I messed up as a parent, but God has changed that about me. I definitely strive to do my best for the sake of the kids, but there is definitely something to be learned from my mistakes, and not just as it relates to me. God has showed me that even in my weaknesses, when I mess things up, I am teaching my kids how to accept our mistakes (because they will happen) and how to rely on the grace of God to help us forgive each other and ourselves, and move on to be more like Jesus every day.

So one of my personal goals for 2014 is to slow down and learn to respond rather than react, and to give my kids and myself a break, and the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them without beating ourselves up because we aren't perfect.
 

I am a work in progress and am so grateful for the grace of God that allows me to learn and grow and doesn't give up on me when I mess things up.

Accomplishing God's Purpose

Isaiah 55:10-11 
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose
for which I sent it.

Tonight I am reminded that God's word always accomplishes God's purposes.  I think this hits me the most as a Sunday School teacher and Girls Ministries leader. Over the years I have taught many Bible studies. Some have seemed well received and affective, and other have seemed like something to do to fill a time slot. If I was determining success or failure on the visual response I get, I would definitely count some days and some lessons to be a bust. But praise be to God, His word always accomplishes His purposes. 

It is not dependent on an eloquent speaker or educated presenter, but on the vary Word itself. No matter what the method or skill of the vessel, God always honors His word and His word is always active, producing God's purposes in the lives of those who hear it. So my efforts which often feel or seem fruitless are not a waste. My preparation is not pointless, but is the way God chooses to plant his word in lives in order to accomplish his perfect will in them.

God's word often does not produce the result I expect or am looking for. But it accomplishes His purposes which are far greater than my expectations.

On a personal level, this also applies when I pray God's word or feel led to share a simple verse with someone who is having a rough day or needs some encouragement. And when I am spending my regular time in God's word. Praise God that even in me, even when it feels like I am reading a phone book (which it sometimes does and yet I do it anyways) God's word is doing something productive according to his plans. It is alive and active, allowing my spiritual roots to grow deeper and my arsenal of tools to be increased for future needs. I don't know what I will need to fight the devil in the upcoming days and though a verse may seem insignificant right now, it may be the very tool I need to fight or to help others in the future. God knows and prepares me accordingly.

Praise God for His Word!!

Worth the Risk

Tonight I was looking over the past months and how God has changed me. I wrote a post on 05/06/13 about an internal struggle I was going through and thought I should update. Things have definitely changed since then.

I took the risk. To open myself up to a friendship that had previously left me burnt. Hurt. And lonely. (I am not placing blame here. It was both of our faults. We agree on this.)

I had multiple friends discourage me from opening myself up again. Because they had seen the damage done to me. And like good friends, they wanted me to protect myself. Not walk blindly into the fire again. 

But God was prompting me. He was leading me to a path of forgiveness. Openness that would allow past wounds to be healed as only God can.

At first it was awkward. We weren't really friends. Just not enemies or adversaries any more. 

I cautiously began to open the door more and more over time. Becoming a part of that life again. Trying so desperately to not butt in where I wasn't wanted and offer unsolicited advice (one thing I am infamous for. I really am only trying to help, but it often comes off as arrogance or looking down on others. And it is the reason I have been hurt more than once. That and saying what I think, assuming people know that I am not saying their opinions are wrong or even care if we agree. I am totally okay to agree to disagree and we can both be right.  Others don't always take it that way.)

All the while God was healing me. Restoring emotions I had since written off and rebuilding me into the person he created me to be. And it was amazing! I can't really pin point a certain time where things were completely restored, but I do know that I am not the same person any more. 

And I can now call her a friend. Unreservedly. Without hesitation. 

Although it took a while, I am so glad that I took the risk and obeyed God as he was leading and didn't stay where things were safe and comfortable. Because I would have missed so much. And would still be that old me. I don't like her much and don't intend on becoming her again. God's redesign is better. It always is. Because his ways are better than mine.

Peace in The Chaos

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see.
I'm moving into something heavenly.

When I can't really describe what I am feeling, God always brings me back to this song by Sanctus Real and the lyrics seem to describe it all perfectly.

We live in a world full of chaos and that will never change. Whether we are in a time where everything is flowing together as it should or in the middle of a trial, there is always chaos. Because this world is not my home and my spirit man will never feel comfortable here. Unless I give in and deny who God has called me to be, there will always be at least a little bit of internal turmoil.

But in the middle of it all, there is a settled-ness, a peace that depends on the character of God that will carry me through. It is trusting in the one who never changes that allows me to have a firm footing in the middle of the crazy circumstances of life.

I am brought back to the passage of scripture that talks about the disciples who were on a ship in the middle of the storm. They were frazzled, frustrated, worried. All the while Jesus was in the bottom of the boat asleep. Not concerned about what was going on because he knew that he had authority over the storms.

I think a lot of us downplay the fact that Jesus was fully man. When we see Jesus and how he dealt with things, we tend to write it off with "of course it didn't bother him because he was God." But we aren't talking about God not being frazzled by the storm, we are talking about a man knowing that he had authority given to him by God and that was why he had peace. Yes, Jesus was fully God as well, but the scripture says he was tempted just as we are, so we need to realize, he had to choose whether he would be living in the chaos of the storm or the peace of trusting God, just like we do.

We have the same authority that Jesus had, given to us both by God. Our peace depends on trusting in the plans and purposes of the one who we have surrendered our lives to, knowing that though the chaos remains he gives peace in the storm.

Obeying God

I am by nature a person who wants explanations and understanding before I act. I don't like to be spontaneous and I don't like to do things that are without purpose, or at least seem that way from my perspective. Yes, I was the "why?" kid when I was growing up. I always needed a reason for everything.

So obeying God, just because he said so, is hard for me. Not impossible, but not something I look forward to either. I know that God knows better than me and his "why" (even if I don't know what it is) is for my good because he sees the big picture and knows the end from the beginning, but that doesn't make it easier on my fleshly man to obey.

I was reading in Jeremiah today and this verse stuck out to me:

Whether it is favorable or unfavorable, we will obey the Lord our God. Jeremiah 42:6

Now that, my friend, it total trust in God. Obedience even when our perspective says God is leading us to something that will be unpleasant for us.  Time and time again God has proven to me that he knows what he is doing and still I go kicking and screaming into the things he is asking of me. Just being honest here. 

That is not the person I want to be and yet I find myself in this vicious cycle over and over.

God please use me.

But I don't want to do that.

Can't you ask me to do something that comes naturally for me or something that I want to do like fill in the blank.

God, I'm sorry I didn't obey. 

Please give me a second chance.

Over and over again. 

I am growing in this, but it is still what I struggle with the most I think.

(Besides patience. Yeah, I'm not good with that either especially with my kids. But I am definitely not praying for patience, because I've heard that only brings more trials to help you develop patience. I have plenty of that for now, thank you very much. Now, back to your regularly scheduled topic.)

I know God sees my heart and I really do have good intentions, but I am definitely not there yet. I guess none of us have arrived yet. And that's okay. I just get tired of going around the same mountain again and again. But whatever it takes, God to get me where you want me to be. 

Strength for the Journey

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that we don't like to struggle and we don't like to face trials. If we had a choice (and we don't) we would skip all the hard parts of life and just go from victory to victory. Wouldn't life be great if we always lived on the mountain tops and never in the valleys or deserts? 

But that is most certainly not the reality of life. There are parts of this life that are less than pleasant that we must endure through. Because it is in those trials that God changes us to be the person he designed us to be. I would dare say that the journey is almost more important than the destination. Because in the journey is where we are changed to be like God, changed to be the person necessary to walk in the victory on the other side. So that God gets the glory and not us. So God's plans are made perfect in us.

So I am learning that instead of praying for the victory over my trials (which will certainly come according to God's promises for his children) to pray for strength for the journey.  Because that, too, God has promised to provide. Not that the struggles get easier, but that I can stand up under them, only by the strength of God. That I can learn to depend on, lean on, and trust in his perfect strength. Strength to stand. Strength to endure. Strength for the journey. 

Secret Warriors

God is building an army, but not like most people would think. These warriors are not visible to the human eye. They are not the people you'd expect, like the worship leader or the pastor of your church. But they are doing battle just the same. At home. By themselves. On their knees. And without any fanfare at all. 

They are the Aarons and Hurs holding up the arms of the Moses' of this generation (Exodus 17).

The willing. The called. The faithful servants. The intercessors.

God is shaking the church and taking us back to a place where prayer has a place in our lives. Not just the prayers we say over our food or the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayers, but prayers with purpose. Prayers led by the Spirit of God that move the heart of God to act on behalf of his people. Prayers of protection and peace. Prayers of spiritual warfare against the enemy of our souls. Prayers according to God's will and plans for our lives.

Prayers that are powerful and affective and avail much. (James 5:16)

Because without these secret warriors, the church has no power, no strength, and the devil is gaining ground. The vitality of the church depends on its intercessors. To go before and prepare the way for the Lord. To stand in the gap and hold off the enemy as he tries so fervently to attack and destroy God's people. To encourage where the enemy has discouraged. To build up where the enemy has tore down.  To pray strength for the weak and healing for the wounded.

Because God promised that "if my people who are called by my name would humble themselves, and pray and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." II Chronicles 7:14

So when God calls you to join the army, obey. Because the Kingdom of God needs you now more than ever.

Normal

Tonight was Spirit Night at Spring Creek for my kids' school. They finally scheduled it on a night we could go so we chose to participate. We saw many teachers the kids knew and they were all excited (kind of funny coming from kids who more often complain about school or at least the work involved than are excited about it.) One of the teachers came by to offer us yummy hot rolls and took a minute to converse with the kids. She innocently started comparing the kids to each other and started to discuss which of us (B.J. or I) the kids looked like.  We kind of smiled at each other and let her continue. None of the kids or us felt the need to offer an explanation and for the first time I felt like we were a normal family. One that doesn't need an excuse or explanation to describe our struggles or the public opinion of us. We just naturally are a family that belong together.   That were placed together by an almighty God that knows exactly what he is doing.

I am amazed by how God has orchestrated our family and honestly want to share our story with everyone I meet to share his goodness. But the other side of the coin is that I have found myself using the whole adoption story and quick expansion of our family bit to gain sympathy or to leave myself a reason or excuse for failure, should it happen. But I have found that in giving an excuse, I am somehow rejecting my kids, isolating them from us, at least mentally instead of embracing them and defending them as I should. And that is not what I should be doing. For their sake. For God's plan to be fulfilled in us. In me. 

God has been teaching me to accept his plan and for the most part I have been walking in that. But I have held a small corner of my heart back. Kind of a plan B or an excuse. In case I failed as a mom or a spiritual leader for them. Because I was/am scared and hate to fail. But slowly those kids are helping me see that It is all gonna be okay. Not perfect according to my high expectations for myself (which really need to go anyway) but good. Perfect according to His Ways. 

As time passes there will be more and more people who don't know our story and although we will never forget the grace of God, it will be good for us to continue to grow as a normal family and to become the team God intended us to be. To support each other and love each other and live as a unit doing life together God's way. Normal with no excuses.

Whose Report Will You Believe?

Whose report will you believe?
I will believe the report of the Lord.
His report says I am healed.
His report says I am filled.
His report says I am free.
His report says VICTORY.

I was sitting in church yesterday just grateful for where I am in life. I am not saying I am without struggle (because who can really say that, especially with 4 kids there is always something I am dealing with). But I am in a time in my life where I am constantly reminded of the goodness of God. Where I can rejoice in who God is and not worry or fear or be overwhelmed by the what-ifs of tomorrow. 

It reminded me of those people who stood with us, who encouraged us, when I felt like I was going through the trial of my life. Would I really trust God to be who I'd claimed he was all my life, the giver of all good things, or would I sit by the wayside and allow myself to live defeated? I pray I was able to come through the time of testing shining like gold, but I know there were moments of sorrow and helplessness.  It was definitely not all sunshine and roses, and life never is. But I did come through to see the faithfulness of God providing above what I ever could have imagined and meeting my needs in ways only he can.

And some of my band of encouragers are in their time of testing and are depending on me and others who are in the easier times of life to lift them up, just like I was lifted up during my time of need. And I will stand strong on the report of the Lord for their sake, to encourage them to keep holding on through the darkness and through the unknown. That's what the family of God is supposed to do for each other. To be the Aaron and Hur's for them, to hold up their hands during battle until the victory is won. To intercede and encourage. To speak life into dead situations by the Spirit of God.

I am so grateful to serve a God who is a solid rock that doesn't change. Who provides us his word on which we can base our lives and on which we can build our hope and our trust. Who sees us not as we are now, but as he is molding us to be according to his good plans for us. Who sees the end from the beginning and who is for us. Fighting out battles, giving us strength to endure. And I will believe his report for our lives over every lie the devil tries to get us to hold on to. The victory has already been won, we just need to act like the victors and not the victims. For greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world.

Breaking Point

Why do we wait until we are at our lowest to call out to God?  Why do we keep thinking we can handle it all on our own and that it'll turn around without His help?

I feel like everyone I know has someone close to them that is going through a very low time in their lives. But they just haven't reached bottom yet and are unwilling to turn to God. And we are hurting and desperate for our loved ones to run to God instead of away from him, praying out our hearts to a God who hears us and is waiting for them to need him.

And I am reminded that not only is God the one who hears, who answers and who delivers, he also will do whatever it takes so that we realize we need him. I think about the Israelites in the desert. One of my favorite verses is found in Deuteronomy.

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deuteronomy 8:3

When we are stubborn and won't come to God when life is easy, he does whatever it takes to draw us to himself. To show us that we need him and we can't live by ourselves, trying things our own ways. So even as we watch our loved ones go through some hard things, that are not fair and that hurt us to see, we must trust in a God who is using even that for his glory, to show himself, and to open their eyes to see that they really need him. 

Because the decision to serve him is a personal one each person must make for themselves. And so God draws them, compels them to come to him and he does whatever necessary to show his love, to pull at their heart strings. Because God loves them as much as we do and is looking forward to the day when they choose to run to him, full force ahead, nothing in the way, so he can love on them the way he has longed for.

You and Me, Jesus

There is this really old song made popular by Dallas Holm that is called "You and Me, Jesus." It basically talks about how when no one else is there, Jesus is still by our side. (Honestly, I don't even know why I know this song. Not my style at all.) The message is so true. When you can't depend on anyone else, Jesus is still there. 

I have lived most of my life with few friends. Not really because I don't trust anyone or because I am not friendly (or I don't think I am unfriendly). That is just the way I am wired. I am naturally an introvert (which some of you won't believe). I am totally happy to be by myself all day just doing what I want. I don't thrive on social events or have to be around people to be happy.  I have always had a ton of acquaintances and people I trust or see as family (I have been at the same church since I was 4), but never really anyone consistently close to me. (Well, besides my hubby, mom and sister, but that is a given.) Part of that is because I have not made the time or exerted the energy to cultivate close friendships. I am not saying this to make you all feel sorry for me. I like it this way and am totally okay with it.

But lately God has put some very special people in my life. People that I connect with on a deeper, spiritual level.  Who encourage me and I can encourage. Who love me and love God with me. Who see the best in others, who aren't quick to judge or get offended, but just see me for me and accept that.  Knowing that I am not perfect, but I am striving to be more Christlike each day. For the first time in a long time, I feel understood or appreciated and not like I am wrong because I am not like whoever. And it really feels good to be loved that way.  This is how it should feel to be a part of the body of Christ.

Although my salvation is not based on anything but the blood of Jesus, and I won't allow another person to shake my faith, it doesn't have to be just "you and me, Jesus" either. God intended us to do this Christian walk together.

Habits

The very word itself carries with it a negative connotation. Something that you need to be broken from. Like chewing your fingernails, swearing, drinking, and the list goes on. 

Instead of breaking bad habits, maybe we should start making good habits. Like spending time with God each day, in his word or getting up on Sunday and going to church.

Most of us are probably a little uncomfortable with calling our time with God a habit. Because we are in a personal relationship and calling it a habit makes our devotion time another thing on our todo list and less personal. But maybe more of us need to be in the habit of spending time with God. Because habits are carried out consistently without thought to our feelings or emotional and physical state. Yes, my time with God is something I enjoy and look forward to most days, but when reading the Bible feels like reading a phone book and praying feels like a waste of words, I do it anyways. Because I have made that my habit. There are times in this journey with God where his presence is so real and refreshing, drawing you to himself and there are dry times when you don't feel a thing and you feel alone. That is why this is called a walk of faith. Because even in the basics of spending time with God, we have to believe that God exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him (Hebrews 11:6) because we can't always feel him. We have to trust that spending time in God's word will not return void, but is planting seeds in our hearts that will grow and produce fruit in us, especially when we have nothing except for God's promises to hold on to.

I think often times, we set such high expectations of ourselves and our time with God, that when those aren't met, it's hard to come back day after day and continue to spend that time with God. Which is why we need a habit to drive us back to God day after day, with or without feeling his presence in that time. Let's call it determination, discipline. Faithfulness to God as he is faithful to us. Whatever you call it, you must keep coming back and not give up. 

The devil's most basic goal is to keep us from God and His word. Because he knows that we get our strength from spending time with God and God's word is our primary weapon against him. When we fail to spend time with God, the devil has already gained a place in our lives. Which is why we need to get some good habits established.  So we can best fight the devil and stand our ground against his tactics to destroy us and stop God's plan for our lives.

Tears

I used to cry all the time. Let's call it hypersensitivity. People could hurt me by looking at me wrong. And I was the walking wounded. So much so that I begged God to take the tears away. And he did.

Then, I went through a time when I was so spiritually dry. I called it strength, toughness, but really I had become so apathetic. Feeling nothing. Numb. Stoic. Emotionless. Void. I knew (with my head) that I needed something. That I couldn't live on like that, but had no desire or drive to seek God for anything.

One Sunday I found myself at the front of the church, responding to an altar call. I couldn't tell you want the altar call was for but I guess God was drawing me, even in my desert. (Praise God that he loves us enough to not give up on us!) I stood up there hands raised (more for show than because I actually could feel God) and basically dared God to fix me. I know it was a little bold of me and some might even call it testing God. I think God understood where I was coming from. I think God was waiting for this opportunity. A gentleman came over and started praying for me. I felt this overwhelming sorrow and pain come over me from the very deepest part of my soul and I began to sob. Not pretty little church crying where you dab the corners of your eyes with tissue to make sure the mascara isn't running down your face but an ugly loud cry that left me totally broken, showing the depth of my pain. After a few minutes, that cry was replaced with the deepest laughter I have ever felt. Uncontrollable. The joy that only God can give. The joy that God intended to be my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10).

I learned (or relearned) a few things that morning years ago.

1 - Don't ask God to stop the tears. Being overly emotional is much preferred to being dry and empty.
2 - Until we are totally broken before God, letting go of all of the hurt and pain, we can't be totally victorious. The sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5) The sorrow makes the joy that much greater in comparison.
3 - Being broken is not a weakness, but where we begin to find our strength. 

 II Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

4 -There is healing in our tears. God uses that emotional release to heal our wounds. I don't quite understand it, but I know that without the tears, the healing is not completed. We are not whole without the tears/sorrow.

On a little side note, the man who prayed for me is so far away from God right now.  His obedience brought me to a spiritual break through and now he needs a "come to Jesus" meeting of his own. I say that because often times we place a higher value on who prayed for us than the fact that God did the work. I don't think it is intentional, but it happens. And the devil likes to stick his nose where he doesn't belong and try to make us believe that we made the whole thing up. That God didn't really do the work because the person who prayed for us isn't serving God and couldn't have been God's vessel for that moment in time. But it just isn't true. God uses the willing vessel, not the perfect one.

Man of My Dreams

When we first met, over 14 years ago, I had no idea we would go on to get married and share this wonderful life together or that he would be the man I needed him to be. Of course at 16 years old I knew what I wanted in a husband, but didn't know what I needed from that relationship. But God knew.

My list of requirements (which wasn't really written down anywhere) wasn't very long but most of the requirements were non-negotiable. I didn't have any physical requirements other than the fact he must be taller than me (which isn't hard to find). This is probably because as a person who has never been much for spending hours getting ready, and has always been self conscious about my lovely skin, I didn't really feel like I had any right to demand physical things a person may not have any control of. (That is not to say I didn't have crushes on the Zack Morris' and Corey Matthews of the world, I just never considered them marriage material or good looks to be pertinent qualities of my future life partner.) The one main quality I required was a man that loved Jesus and shared my religious views. I didn't want to be the spiritual leader of my house, not because I don't love God but because it should be the mans job to show his kids how to love Jesus. To be the spiritual head of his household. 

When I met Bj, I knew he loved God but he was quiet, and that kind of concerned me. How do you lead your family when you are so quiet? But I also knew that he loved me and was committed to me, and was willing to do whatever it took to please me. And although his personality  was not what I thought I would find in my future husband, he had a quiet strength that mellowed me out when I was emotional, that stood strong when I was stressed out or indecisive.  He is the one that assured me we were being led by God into adoption. That held me as I cried month after month of negative pregnancy tests. That has stepped up to the plate to parent our kids with me .

Which  brings me to the reason I am writing this post. These past 2 years and the past year in particular, he has grown so much. As a father. As a husband. As a leader. For the past month he has been the cook, the maid, and whatever I have needed and without me even asking.  I am so grateful that God knew he would become the man of my dreams when he put us together.

 

Ready

For a while (probably over a year) God has been putting some little things together for me. He has been speaking to me quite clearly and opening my eyes to see new things in His word. It is just amazing to me! I have been a Christian for 25 years and yet because of the power of the Holy Spirit, I can read God's word and he can still illuminate things to me I've never seen before.

Tonight during my Bible study God opened up a verse in Isaiah.

Isaiah 45: 2-3

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name

God wants so badly for us to know him that he is willing to do whatever it takes to break down the barriers in our hearts and lives, to speak to us, to break through the walls we have put up. Just so that we can know him better. Don't let anything keep you from pushing through to get to know God. He loves you so much and is willing to do whatever it takes. 

So after that word I am ready for God to open some doors for me that he has promised. I know it is coming and I know God is faithful. I just have to continue to trust him and wait for the opportunities to come in God's timing and in his way.

Leftovers

Another Sunday has come and gone and I am ready for a new week. But before we get there, I wanted to share something that is heavy on my heart tonight. (No, Melanie, this is not what the Sunday School lesson was on today.)

I feel like the kingdom of God isn't moving forward, God's people aren't seeing growth as God intended because we are getting in our own way.  More specifically we are stretching ourselves so thin that all God gets is our leftover energy.  Because we aren't willing to give up some of the things "we've always done" in order to put God first. I am not talking about bad things. I am talking about good things, things for our kids, our families, our friends, that we are allowing to take precedence over God.

By the time we make it to God's day, we are already so exhausted from the week before, from the running around on Saturday, that we are useless come Sunday morning. When God wants us to be able to minister one to another and gain encouragement and strength as a church body, we are barely awake through the sermon and are just counting down the minutes until it is over. Instead of being able to be spiritually awake, ready for what God wants to do, with ears eager to hear God speak and hearts ready to respond, we are just there for appearances sake, if we manage to crawl out of bed at all.

So its time to start doing some prioritizing. Instead of giving up God's things, why don't we start giving up the other things that are keeping us from giving God our best?

I am not foolish enough to think that even with your priorities right there won't be days when you don't feel like serving God and you don't feel like spending time in the word and prayer.  But those are the days when you most desperately need to push through, to be faithful to God as he is faithful to you. Day in and day out. Through the worn seasons of life and through the exhaustion. That is when our spiritual roots are deepened and your foundation made stronger. Because if you make an excuse now when you are tired, it will be easier to make an excuse for something else the next time serving God seems like a chore. 

It's a fight. Every day. The fight of faith (which is what we talked about in Sunday School). And the struggle will be worth it. So worth it. To hear "well done, my good and faithful servant."

Happy 10 and 11 month, Seth!

Mommy was really busy the past few months, so we are going to have to combine two months into one. I think adding school back into the mix did me in.

 The past few months have been full of growth. This past Monday you took a few steps on your own, but you are mostly cruising around the house holding on to furniture, walls or whatever you can get your hands on. You love your independence and are quite brave, not afraid to push the limits when it comes to reaching to get things and moving from one support to the other.  This means we have had quite a few falls, bumps and bruises. I am putting you in real shoes (with real soles instead of the baby soft soles) and you have gotten to wear you like it and request them. You love the playing with the velcro strips on your shoes and think you are just so funny when you take your right shoe off (yes, its is always the right one.)

 You copy pretty much anything you see if you can figure out how to. For example, today when I was watching the Huskers, you were happy to cheer along, with your hands in the air letting out excited squeals when they Huskers scored, just like Mama.

 You have started talking a lot more and I can definitely say you know who Mama and Dada are. On occasion I have heard you say what sounds like "Hi there" and "All done" but I'm not sure if you know what those mean or if it was just a coincidence.  It's funny because when you were with Daddy all day last Friday, he says you said "Mama" all day and today, when you were with me you said "Dada" all day.  However, you rarely call for us when we are in the room with you. I guess that makes sense. No reason to calls us when we are already there. You are just too smart already!

 You have started making kissing sounds and reaching in to give open mouthed kisses.  Don't know where you got that, maybe Nana. When I'm holding you and give Daddy a kiss, you copy us with your kissing sound and it is so cute. You have started on some table food and love it, sometimes too much to eat your baby food. We are doing some mixture of the two right now, with bottles of breast milk still at every 4 hours during the day and as you are hungry when I am home. This usually means I nurse you in the evening, once in the night, and in the morning during the week.

Your sleep schedule has been all over the place lately, and I blame you getting your top two teeth for that. At some point (I think when you were sick) I stopped making you put yourself to sleep and haven't gotten back into the schedule. I have recently (as in the past few days) gotten you to sleep all night in your bed (with one feeding during that time) until about 6. I let you get in the bad habit of sleeping with me and Daddy for 3-4 hours a night when you were fussy instead of making you go back to sleep in your crib. But I am breaking that before it becomes a bigger issue.

You have gotten way more attached to me and basically won't go to Dad if I am in the room. I have read that is normal. I love your two arm hugs around my neck, and love being loved by you, but I wish you would make Daddy feel loved too sometimes when we are both home. He knows it is just a phase and will probably end when you are weaned from breast feeding.



I don't ever want to forget these days. You are so fun and so cute and I love every second of it! You are such a gift from God, sweet boy.

Praying for my kids - Peace

My kids struggle. At school. In life. In many ways they are normal kids, but there are moments when I see the effects of the unfair start they got to life. And it makes me so mad at the devil. So frustrated that they have to deal with this. That I have to deal with this. I will be the first to admit I have given God all sorts of suggestions on how to fix the problem (I am sure I am the only one who tells God how to fix things.)

So this morning on the way to school, I was praying over my kids (out loud so they could hear like I do each morning) and the Spirit of God led me to pray for peace for them. I have prayed many things for them over the years (yes, they have been with us for almost 2 years) but I'm not sure peace was ever one of them, unless it was just in passing. God showed me that the source of most if not all of their struggles is the internal turmoil they go through on a daily basis. And as I pray for God's peace to cover their minds, their emotions, their hearts, the peace of God will calm the troubled waters and all the other stuff (you know, that I was praying for God to do) would be taken care of.  Thank you God for your word for my kids!

So often we pray for the symptoms of our struggles, because they are tangible to us, and we can identify them. But if we will let the Spirit of God lead our prayers he will show us the source, so we can cut it off at the root of the problem. 

So, today and every day until God leads me differently, I will pray for God's peace to cover my kids and his plans will be accomplished in their lives. Praise God!

Expecting Great Things

I love Sundays.  Yes, they are quite busy for me, by choice, but I love them, nonetheless. 

This week I am expecting God to do some amazing things at church. Why, you might ask? Because I know the devil has been alive and well this week, attacking God's own. Trying to wear us out. Trying to distract us so we aren't open to hear God clearly or receive fully all that God has.  So if we can continue to recognize the source of our current struggles, and not let the devil gain the victory, I am convinced that God is ready to show up in a big way tomorrow at church.

We can't let the devil win this time. I'm sure he won't quit distracting and attacking us until we put him in his place. Don't give up. Don't give in, but stand strong on the promises of God. 

And expect God to do great thing on your behalf!

Disclaimer: Yes, I am speaking mainly to my church family, but God is the same no matter where you live or go to church and He desires to love you and strengthen you through every struggle of this life. Trust him, stand on His word, and wait and see Him fulfill His word to you.

Selfless Prayers

My prayer for the past year or so has been for ears to hear God clearly when he speaks and a heart to respond without hesitation (because the longer I wait/hesitate, the more opportunity I give myself to justify not doing what God is asking of me).  I have grown in this and obeying God has gotten easier.  Praise God!

But the down side is that when God starts having his way in my life, the devil gets scared and starts fighting against all that God is doing. (It's actually one of the ways I am assured that I am right where God wants me to be.)  This week has been very frustrating and stressful for me. Nothing major really, just a lot of small things adding up.  And the devil for sure is taking full advantage of every moment he gets to make me think I am failing or that I can't keep going like this or that I should just give up.

If you've ever read "This Present Darkness" or "Piercing the Darkness" by Frank Peretti it is a real eye opener to what is going on in the spiritual realm, behind the scenes as we go through our day to day life. I brought this up because I definitely see this attack as retaliation for my obedience to God.

One of the things God has asked of me is to intercede for certain people or situations. It is very hard to obey God in this when I feel like I have enough of my own struggles I need to be praying about. My kids, my struggles, the things that are close to my heart need my attention.  And yet, I have chosen to selflessly obey and have been praying as God as asked. Knowing that he will take care of my concerns as I put myself out there for others. (Actually, it almost helps me escape my circumstances and stop focusing on them. It helps me be grateful.) But I can't help but think that those whom my heart hurts for would be closer to victory if I spent my efforts on praying for them.

So if God is asking you to pray for me (and I do believe God moves full circle so that we are "bearing each other's burdens") you had better obey him. Because I need it. And God will take care of your own when you take care of his own.

Father Abraham

Everyone sing along!

Father Abraham had many sons.
Many sons had Father Abraham.
I am one of them and so are you.
So lets just praise the Lord.
(right arm, left arm, right foot, left foot, nod your head, turn around, sit down.) 

The story of Abraham is probably one of the ones I read the most and keep going back to. He is an example of faith in the face of adversity.

God promised Abraham the impossible and Abraham believed that God could do just what he promised. I am sure he had days where he wondered what God thought he was doing or if God was ever going to keep his word.  But he kept holding on to God's promise, despite seeing no evidence of God's hand at work.

If we are honest with ourselves, not many of us would hold on to God's promise of children so faithfully and so fervently for as long as Abraham did. 

The key to his faith is found in Romans 4:20-21

²⁰ yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, ²¹ and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform.

He didn't let emotions or circumstances control his belief in a God who can do the impossible. If God said it, that was enough for Abraham to believe that God would do it. And he continued to give glory to God thanking him for his fulfilled word before he saw one piece of evidence to give him reason for the ridiculous (to the human mind) stance he had chosen to take.

As God's kids we are sons and daughters of the faith of Abraham. As we grow closer to God and learn to trust him (fully relying on God) without proof or logical reasoning to support our decision, we step into the life of faith that God desires for us. We may not feel like faith giants right now, but when God looks at us, he sees who we are becoming in him. He sees the victorious and the warrior and not the week and defeated. And we will be those things, by the grace of God.

When we get it into our spirit man that God is working and will bring about his promises in us, we might just have reason to praise the Lord and dance a little jig! (That's what all the right arm left arm stuff is about. Ha!)
 

Amazed

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

I really love this song and have since I first heard it. But this morning as I was singing on my way into work God opened my eyes to what I was singing.

This is not a song declaring God's love because it is present and amazing in our lives, but a song declaring the awesomeness of the love of God when we can't feel or sense it. The verse talks about the ways God loves us when we aren't even aware of it. It is in those valleys when we can't feel God with us that we need to be declaring the lyrics to this song.

God, your love is amazingly wide, deep, great when I am in the midst of the storm and have nothing but my faith and trust in you to assure me that you do indeed love me. Even then your love is all around me, surrounding me, protecting me.  And I know that is true, despite my emotions and feelings, because you, God, are faithful. You don't change. When the storm around me is raging, I am still amazed by your love for me. Your gentle, strong, never-ending love.

I Can't Love

I am horrible at loving people. It is not natural for me to be compassionate and kind, patient and loving toward others, especially when I feel like they are being irresponsible or immature. I will try to help anyone once, but I tend to give up on people who won't help themselves or continue to make the same bad choices.

And I have tried to be loving where I know it isn't natural for me. It only last so long before I find myself impatient and frustrated again and feeling like I have wasted my effort and energy. 

Tonight I was looking through our Sunday school material and something just hit me. True love, God's love is a fruit of the Spirit, so the only way I can ever fully love someone like God does is to let God's Spirit dwell in me and love through me. It is not something I can practice or learn but it must come straight from God to them. 

And the more time I spend with the God, the more loving and patient I will become, by his strength and his power. So I have to learn, not how to love, but how to be closer to God and let him love people through me. I have been making this way too hard and getting frustrated with myself in the process.

Thank you God for loving through me as I stay close to you and strive to be led by your Spirit each day.

Expectations Part II

My friend, Kim, posted a great blog about expectations of others here. I want to piggyback on her post because it was so good.

For me, I get disappointed because I place too high of expectations on myself.  It is the whole perfectionist part of who I am. I hate it when I disappoint myself. Unfortunately, when you do that, there is no one else to blame or to even gripe at, but it all turns inward.

My conversations with myself go something like this: "Sandra, you have been serving God for almost 25 years and you still can't get your act together. Can't you just trust God and stop trying to do it all yourself? Seriously! What is your problem?  Just don't mess things up! How hard can it be?"

It's that whole part of me that wants to do everything for everyone and never run out of steam or get tired. That part that longs to be patient with my kids and husband and show them my love with my actions and not just my words. Get everything at work finished then run home, whip up a great home-cooked meal everyone loves, do the dishes, and the laundry, help the kids with their homework, put them to bed and most importantly, do it all with a smile and never once raising your voice.  Then I should spend hours with God in deep worship and Bible study when the reality is I get home and just want to collapse on the couch for the night.

And the devil loves to use that on me. It's my weak spot and he is fully aware of that.  So he reminds me where I have failed time and again. I try to ignore him, but sometimes he wins, if even for a moment.

But when I fail, I always fall into the arms of a loving God, who is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. And I am so thankful for those everlasting arms that hold me tight and let me just be. Who softly remind me that he has called me by name and I am his cherished one. That I am loved even when I can't accomplish the lofty goals I set for myself. He reminds me that he has clothed me with his righteousness and that I am good enough for him. That he is my source and sufficiency and his grace is enough for me. 

So I choose today to let Him be enough for me before I get myself all stressed out and disappointed. And not after I've tried all there is to try and have come up empty and feeling defeated.

If God doesn't place those high expectations on me, who am I to expect more out of myself then even God does? And that is not God's best for me. That is what I desire most of all.

No Excuses

If you are in my Sunday School class (and I would dare say the only one of my readers this applies to is my husband) you've heard me pray and thank God because he sees me and knows me. Initially this was something I started saying to remind me of God's grace when I fail or to remind me that God knows where I am in life and so he is gracious to cut me some slack right now.

But I think I've overused that statement and it has become my excuse for not giving myself fully to what God has called me to. Yes, I'm tired and living in a time of transition especially with Seth and sleeping/midnight feedings, but it is time for me to fix some things. If I am honest with myself (and I guess the little corner of the world that reads this), I have placed my wind down time after everyone has gone to bed over God. Not that I don't get my daily time in with God, but it isn't what I'd like it to be in length or depth. Because I am making some poor choices. I have this need to watch my DVR'd shows and clear them off of my DVR, and as silly as that sounds, I am left exhausted when it gets to my time with God. And so, he gets my left overs. 

And I know his grace is sufficient for me, but I've got to stop making excuses and just make him my priority.  For the sake of my relationship with him.  Because I'm not where I need to be.

Gonna work on this again. Definitely not the first time I'm been here. I know what I should do, but I don't do it. (I feel like Paul in Romans 7, constantly struggling with this.) 

But I must keep moving forward.  Despite my reasons and excuses. Because God deserves my best.

Get Up and Fight

I am so tired of the devil beating up on Christians while I watch them just roll over and die. I am so sick of him winning while the kingdom of God suffers.

So I got thinking about why this keeps on happening.  Is it because we are too tired? Too worn. Or are we just ignorant of his schemes?  Do we not realize there is a spiritual battle going on? We don't struggle just because that's the way life is. We struggle because we have an enemy who will try everything in his power to distract us, to keep us from God's best for us. 

The devil doesn't play nice. He wants to destroy you. To get to you by whatever means possible. He'll use your relationships, your kids, your job, your marriage. Whatever it takes.

For too long we have tried to appease the devil and just get by instead of fighting against him as hard as he is against us with our eyes focused on the prize. The victory that was purchased for us on the cross.

We've let him wear us down. By believing his lies. By forgetting to find our strength in the shadow of the wings of the Almighty One. We've tried to defeat him in our own strength and have failed every time.

And its time to get up, dust ourselves off, and fight with every ounce of strength God provides.  To dig into God's word, training ourselves for warfare by learning our weapon (the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God).  So that we can keep fighting, gaining victory, one step at a time.

And stop letting the devil beat us.

Because as long as we roll over, the devil will keep gaining ground and the plans of God will not be fulfilled in us. 

And the fight is worth it because the victory is greater than we can even imagine. Praise God!!

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. II Corinthians 4:16-18

Happy 9 Months Seth!!

 Happy 9 months, sweet boy!  This month has definitely been a month of growth. At your checkup (which was more like 9 months 1 week) you weighed 19lbs 10oz (30th percentile), were 28 inches long (30th percentile) and had a 18.3 inch head (75th percentile).  You have a lot of brains in there or that's what I tell everyone.  You wear size 9 months clothes mostly and size 2 shoes, but your feet are too fat to fit in most shoes without a fight.

 This month you have gotten two teeth and are really into eating baby food. You clearly tell us when you are full by shaking your head "no" and making it impossible to get any more food in your mouth.  We changed your bottles of breastmilk to every 4 hours so mommy only has to pump twice a day at work (wohoo!). Most nights you only wake up once to eat.  However, I think you've had a growth spurt lately because you've had 4 nights in the last 2 weeks that you wanted to eat every 4 hours all night long. That makes mommy very tired.

 You can roll over like a champ and really like standing up holding onto fingers or furniture and walking with help.  You aren't crawling, but are getting awefully close. You love to sit on your bottom and scoot around or spin in circles to get to what you want.  It is so cute!

 
I have only found you sleeping on your belly a few times, but I do think you sleep better that way once you get in that position.

 You say "mama" and "dada" regularly and do a lot of babbling in your own language no one but you can understand. You have recently gotten more clingy to mom and notice when I am gone more. You have given up falling asleep on your own lately and will only fall asleep in my arms. I love holding sleepy babies, but I must admit I have days I wish you would go to sleep easily on your own like you did for a few months.

 You are just such a smiley happy little guy and I am so glad God brought you into my life. I needed to learn to smile and laugh more and you have definitely accomplished that.

 You have learned to give hugs and I just love it when you hold on tight to me. My hair has become your security blanket. You run your hands through my hair when you are nursing or when you are falling asleep and then don't want to let go after you are sleeping.

A lady at the store the other day told me to spray you down and keep you at 9 months forever because it is such a fun time. I agree and wish it was possible.

I love you so much and am so glad you are my sweet little boy!