Going to War

Was reading in Deuteronomy today, working on my Sunday School lesson and came across this passage of scripture.

Deuteronomy 20:2-4
When you are about to go into battle, the priest shall come forward and address the army. He shall say: "Hear, o Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies. Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Every day is a battle. When we try and be light in a dark world there will be conflict.  We we are pressing in to God the devil will get nervous and try everything in his power to stop us.

So what if every morning we tell ourselves what the priest told the Israelites? Sandra, today you will fight the devil. But don't be scared or panic. God has got this! He will go with you. He will fight for you against the devil and he will give you victory.

What a difference a little attitude adjustment would make. If we start our days feeling victorious rather than defeated.

Today has been a rough day. I have been impatient and mean and rude to everyone around me. I don't know why, but I do believe I can change that. By recognizing today is a battle and God will give the victory.

Lord, help me to trust you! To slow down and respond according to your character and not react based on the mood I am in.

2 Christmas celebrations down, 3 to go!

Polarizing

I've learned that people either like me or they don't. They either understand me or they think I am rude and mean.

And that's okay. Rather, I am okay with that.

Let's start by saying I used to live my life for everyone else. I was very concerned about what others thought about my choices and tried to please them all. I came across as confident and self assured but inside I was hurt and insecure. So insecure that I became whomever I thought people wanted me to be.

Pretending is a lot of work. So I've come to terms with the fact that some people will never get me and some personality types will always be uncomfortable around me. Because I know that I can be honest to a fault. I know I can be insensitive. I know I expect people to respond to me the way I would respond in the same situation. And that just isn't realistic.

I have prayed about this a lot and have asked God if these things are character flaws that I need to change or let him change about me or if I am who be made me to be, just like I am.  And honestly, God hasn't pointed his finger in my heart, well at least not about my directness and honesty, asking me to change these.

I know I come off as hard sometimes. But sometimes we need someone in our face to speak in love to us for our good.

And for whatever reason I have been that person in a lot of situations. It isn't fun getting the reactions I do and it isn't pleasant to be misunderstood. But my heart is always for your good. So remember that. God didn't send me your way to tear you down and to discourage you, but to open your eyes to how things really are. To the truth about your choices. By no means am I saying I am the ultimate in wisdom and knowledge, but I do know what God has shown me and I am not afraid to speak his truth. That is my place right now.

The body of Christ has failed many times because we want to sugarcoat everything, hoping we don't hurt someone's feelings. And in the process no one ever hears or sees the truth. The body lives in deception and the devil has a field day. Truth exposes the lies and dishonesty in our lives. It exposes our weaknesses when we'd rather sweep them under the rug. And truth can and will break us down to the very core of our existence. But only from the bottom can we rebuild our lives in God and replace the lies in the foundations of our spiritual existence with the realities of God, the truth of Gods word.

Although I may not be the most eloquent speaker or writer, hear this. If the church is built on faulty foundations, it needs to be torn down. And tearing down hurts. But the rebuilding is glorious and the church is always better because it has been destroyed.

So in love, I pray that you will let God speak to you through the truth of his word, whomever the vessel, and understand the one he uses is for you. On your side. To help you, in love. To make you better so God's plan can be amazingly seen in you in ways that would never have been were if not for the truth.

Forgive and Forget

With the holidays quickly approaching, I've been thinking a lot about love and with it, true forgiveness.  Let me say that I know that none of us are perfect, but as Christians our example of what true forgiveness is comes from Jesus and his forgiveness of our sins.

Forgiveness is a gift. It is never something deserved or earned, or it wouldn't be a gift. It is not pay back or revenge or getting even. It is forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process through which the victim changes their feelings toward the offender regarding an offense and is able to feel kindly toward that person, even wishing them well. This definition is from Wikipedia, so not exactly the most reliable source, but I think it covers the points I want to touch on.

Forgiveness is for the offended and not the offender. This means that the offender is much less affected by the offense than the offended. By choosing not to forgive someone because they haven't made it up to you, or don't deserve it, you are choosing to live with the hurt and pain and to let the wound fester and grow instead of starting the healing process. Meanwhile, as sad as it sounds and as unfair as it is, the person who hurt you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, has moved on.  You only hurt yourself when you decide to not forgive.

"I'll forgive but I'll never forget." We've all heard those words, but based on what I know about forgiveness from the example of Christ and my experiences, this is impossible. By choosing to remember the offense, and allowing yourself to be hurt all over again when they walk in the room, you have not forgiven the offender. When you forgive someone, truly forgive them, you are able to see past the offense and truly love them again.

If you have been hurt by someone and are easily offended by them again and again, chances are, you never forgave them in the first place.

Like us all, I have been hurt and treated unfairly in my life. That's just a part of life, honestly. I have many wasted years of unforgiveness and holding grudges. I had every right to demand justice and payback, but it never came. So God had to help me forgive. For me it started with a simple instruction from God. I had to pray for them every day until forgiveness came. (And God tells us all to pray for our enemies  in his word, so I would dare say we can all start there.) It was not easy, at all. It was painful. To my pride. To my demand for revenge. But after time I did eventually find the ability to forgive and I have never been so free.

From that very hard time in my life, I have also learned that I don't ever want to live with unforgiveness again. It isn't worth it. I have also learned to not take what people say too seriously. I guess as a defense mechanism, I chose to not be offended. Maybe I'm naive to think that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt me, but I'd rather be ignorant to the hurt, than harbor unforgiveness.

So between now and the next year, I challenge you to examine yourself for unforgiveness and decide to get rid of it. Not by getting even, but by choosing to pray for the offender and ask God to help you forgive. Because you can't do it by yourself. Unforgiveness is a big task and you can only forgive by the grace of God.

Wasted Time

The older I get, the more time I take to look back and reflect on my life. On the time I wasted in disobedience to God. On the time I was productive for God's kingdom. On the time where I felt in spiritual limbo, but have now realized it was a time of great personal growth.

I hate feeling my time is wasted.

Sometimes time has been wasted because I have chosen to struggle with and fight against God and his direction instead of obeying his voice. Other times the devil has offered a detour and I have taken advantage of it. Any time that is wasted away from the perfect will of God cannot be replaced.

I am certainly not assuming that is it easy to always be exactly where God wants us to be. But I also know that when life gets comfortable, my tendency at least is to stay just a little bit longer. But God is calling us to obedience now. To intimacy and relationship now.

The time will never be convenient to serve God wholeheartedly and it will never be an easy choice. But for me, the regret of wasted time is a big one. I want to move where God moves and be where he is and not waste a second being lazy or comfortable. Because every wasted second delays what God wants to do in me and my family.

Standing Up

Last night Haley had a choir concert. The theme was Motown so they sang songs like "My Girl" and "Ain't no Mountain." So the song selection was pretty classic and most of the audience knew them. One of the songs was "Superstition." Its about luck and fate being in control of life. Of course we believe God is in control, so we definitely don't agree with the song. But I wouldn't have said anything. Singing that song wasn't going to jeopardize our Christianity.

But it bugged Haley. More so that there was a line that said the "devil's on the way." So she took it upon herself to ask her choir director if she could step behind the curtains during that song because she wasn't comfortable singing that line. And he let her. It wasn't an obvious picket line to cause an uproar, but something she felt she needed to do in order to stand up for what she believed.

And I'm proud of her. In most circumstances she really wants to be accepted and tends to follow the crowd instead of being a leader. But when my girl has an opinion and doesn't think God would approve of her doing something, she isn't scared to stand up. I was such a shy child it is hard for me to even think about approaching a teacher for approval to do something out of the normal. That would have terrified me. But not her. She is stronger than I was at that age. And she really has no fear of being different. She actually likes that attention.

She's gonna make a difference for the kingdom of God. Yes we butt heads because she can be stubborn, but stubborn is what it takes sometimes to stand up for the right thing. Love that girl! She makes me proud every day!

Loyal

I guess I've had a lot on my mind today. I have a friend who said I just seem bothered or upset. So, I guess you are all going to get a little venting action today. I don't really write for the reaction it gets (although I am often curious how many people are viewing my blog), but it is very therapeutic for me. If you think I am talking about you in my venting, I am probably not. Its just going to be the overflow of my thoughts in relation to a lot of things going on around me.

I have been serving God a long time and have been at my current church for most of that time (over 26 years) and I've learned a few things.

First I serve God. Although I love my church family, I don't serve them. They are not the ones I am loyal to. So when someone hurts my feelings in the church (even in my small church where everyone knows everything) I do not take that as direction from God to change churches. I take it as opportunity to grow my character. Hurt people hurt people so if you are hurt by another, take the opportunity to help the offender heal by taking their heart to the Great Physician. By being their friend and apologizing when it isn't your fault. By loving them through it. By letting everything be a teachable moment in your life. Goodness, none of us are perfect and we all can be taught and can grow.

Second, feeling alone is not an anomaly that only happens when you are out of God's will. The Bible tells us that when a house is divided, it won't stand. So how does the devil divide? He makes us feel like we are the only people in the world that are going through this. That feel this way. That the people sitting on our pew don't like us and don't talk to us because we don't fit in. Yes we are people who need others, who need connection (some more than others based on our personalities), and we need to try to encourage and connect with others within the body of Christ as much as we can. But this world is not our home. We aren't going to always "feel" connected. It doesn't change Gods will, his plan, his purpose. I do believe that Jesus felt quite alone when he was on earth. Even among his disciples he couldn't find one who would stay up and pray with him in his time of need in the Garden of Gethsemene. He went off by himself alone a lot to spend time with God. He knew he wasn't alone and he knew where to find that deep companionship. And he was fully, 100% in God's will.

Third, being a part of church is important. When you feel alone and start bowing out of your responsibilities, thinking you just need a break and a time to rest, you lose the accountability. And the very thing that you thought would make things better now makes you feel less needed and more alone. And people care about you, but often times, we choose to give you space. Because it really is between you and God, and we don't want to be pushy, but our experience tells us that you are drifting away and will never really be back like it was. The reality is that often times when we feel like we don't have time to teach that class or lead prayer, we have made a conscious effort to be stretched too thin in other areas of our life. Instead of giving up the extra, we give up our connection to the church body. And then we wonder why we feel alone there. I have very purposefully chosen not to do many extra curricular activities with many kids. They rotate and right now Katelynn is taking piano lessons. I have no desire to give up Wednesday night church or the 2 o clock service. If things get to busy, I choose to give up piano lessons. It's a matter of priorities and serving God and my kids having church Godly friends is more important to me. I know every parent has to make that decision for their family, and it's a hard one. There is a lot of pressure to put your kid in everything that comes up and keep up with everyone else. No one else is accountable for my decisions but me and so I chose wisely.

Fourth, we all have times where we feel like we are in a rut and need a change. I personally don't like change,  so I am okay with being in my nice rut. Until God says move. And then I begrudgingly move. The last month or so in my Sunday School class has been hard. Some of it is the busyness of the holidays and some of it is the falling away I blogged about previously. And Missionettes has been that way too. I really need to talk to Pastor and get some guidance in both of these areas and how he thinks we should change things up for the future. So maybe that is what had put me in a weird mood. Just kinda feeling in limbo right now. And as usual, I will just hold on to God as he continues to lead us closer to him.

Instant In Season and Out of Season

My dad has been sick for a week or so and his voice has been getting less and less because of this. So I showed up at church to find that I would be leading worship, kinda. I would be leading the songs he picked and he couldn't sing but he stood up there as the leader and "sang". It looked pretty normal from the outside, but our lead vocals was no where to be found.

It was weird, but God showed up anyways. I was glad to find that Dad had selected songs in keys I could sing. And somehow because I had no control of the songs and little control over the way things flowed, it was so easy for me. Worship felt very intimate and God just came and loved on us.

When I lead worship, I take a lot of time to plan the songs and the flow. Not that there is anything wrong with planning, but I learned today that in my planning I try to hold on to at least a little bit of control. My desire for things to be "perfect" (even of that means following Gods lead) actually holds me back. I need to learn to trust God more and not over think things.

We are all a work in progress. I love when God shows me where I need his help (although it can hurt my pride sometimes). He shows us where we need to change because he loves us and wants what is best for us.

They Love Each Other

My kids love each other, really they do. And yet my house is constant!y filled with arguing and bickering about things that are so insignificant. Because each of them chooses to pick fights just for the sake of fighting. (Or that's my outsider perspective at least.) No one can say anything in my house without someone disagreeing with you or saying something contrary to start an argument.

I know they are just kids and eventually they will mature and learn to just keep their mouths shut, but right now it just drives me crazy. Saying nothing would be better. So much better.

So today on the way to Wichita Falls, Bj decided that every time they are arguing or being rude to each other the punishment with be a 10 to 15 second hug between the two offenders. This sound so silly but it has already in the first 9 hours or so of implementation been so effective. Especially when we are in public or in front of other people.

Daniel's first response was that it was just going to make they argue more which I told him will just cause more hugging. They all say it isn't working, but believe me it is. If nothing else, they are at least quick to end arguments and not drag it on forever or continuing annoying each other for fun.

So if any of you need a punishment to encourage getting along and the end to the silly arguments I would highly recommend the 15 second hug. Sometimes Bj is just a mastermind. So glad he is on my team.

He Knows

We are in the car on the way to my sister's house for Lilly's first birthday party. We had sick kids yesterday and really thought we were going to be splitting parental duties and healthy and sick kids, but by the time I got home last night every one was on the mend. They all slept through the night and have not have fevers since yesterday. Praise God for healthy kids because sick kids are no fun!

In the car I have addressed all of the Christmas cards that need to be mailed and worked on my Sunday School lesson.

And in the middle of just doing things that need to get done, the Jeremy Camp song He Knows came on the radio. I don't listen to the radio often, so I am not sure I've heard it before.

He knows. He knows.
Every hurt and every sting.
He has walked the suffering.
He knows. He knows.
Let your burdens come undone.
Life your eyes up to the one who knows.
He knows. He knows.

If you've been around me any amount of time, you know that I have found comfort in the fact that no matter what I am going through and what I cannot seem to grasp or understand about my circumstances, God knows. And understands. I have learned that God knowing (and in his power taking care of me and my needs) is enough for me to be able to bring my burdens to the Lord and leave them there. In his capable hands.

God is sovereign. That means he knows and fully understands every aspect of what I am going through and how it makes me feel and how I respond to it. And he is able to make all grace abound to me. I think I am comforted in an all knowing God because I am an intellectual and like to know as much as possible about whatever is going on so that I can make the best decision and move forward. So when I am weak and cannot know it all (which is often) I can rest in a God who does know all there is to be known.

So I really appreciated that song today. What a great reminder that I am never overlooked or ignored, but I am known, my circumstances are known and God is taking care of me.

Bigger

Bigger than all my problems bigger than all my fears
God is bigger than any mountain I can or cannot see.
Bigger than all my questions bigger than anything.
God is bigger than any mountain I can or cannot see.

The main point of this song is that God is bigger. Than the struggles. Than the unknown. Than everything.

And that is the truth.

But God brought me to the line that talks about the mountains you can't see. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has been just going along in life, pretty normally and was hit head on with an unseen mountain. As a natural born planner, it is definitely easier to deal with a struggle or mountain when it is at least expected. (Although I don't like to borrow worry from tomorrow.) Those unknown, unexpected mountains can knock the breath right out of you and leave you down.

But no matter how the mountains come, you have to just keep getting up. Because the God in you, equipping you, is bigger.

Fear can be paralyzing. The what ifs and the worries for the future and the unknown will keep you from moving past the mountains if you let it.

But God is bigger.

We want to understand what God is doing, even when it is often not in God's plan for us to know. Our questions can be endless and we start to doubt God's ways because he does things differently than we do. Because his ways are higher than our ways. And the devil uses our questions to put a chasm between us and God.

But God is bigger.

A King and His Castle

On Saturday, Daniel and I spent some time cleaning his room. Let's just say that organization and keeping things clean is not his strength. If you know me at all, you know I can be a little compulsive when it comes to things being clean, so I'm sure it really wasn't as bad as I felt that it was. I'm a little picky about these things. Anyways, when we were done cleaning he was so proud of his room. You could just tell he felt better about himself and life in general. It was so clean from his perspective that he called his room his castle and invited anyone who came over to see it.

 

It got me thinking. Maybe he would feel better about school if he felt more organized. I asked him about this and encouraged him to keep his desk and folders clean like he does his room. He said it wasn't bad at school and I reminded him that he has had to redo work because he couldn't find it when it was due. I know his teacher goes through his desk at least every other week and helps him clean it out.

All that to say, I hope he can keep his room clean and maybe some other parts of his life will get the organization that they need and he can be proud of his work.

He sure is growing up. He was so little when we got him. Why do they have to grow up so fast? :(

Trying Something New

Since I graduated college, I have worked full time. In my field and with my employer, this means 40-45 hour weeks are the norm with 50-55 hour weeks during a few busy months out of the year. I am not at all complaining. For a CPA, I know that is fewer hours than most. I chose to work for a small firm because I was not willing to work more than that. I love my job, but my life has changed a lot in the past few years (kids do that to you.) Bj getting a new job with more pay has given me the freedom to change things.

So, yesterday was the first day of my new 35 hour per week job. Yes, I am still at the same place and doing the same job and doubt that will ever change, but I have chosen to take a cut in pay in order to work less and spend more time being a parent. Honestly, the busy times will probably look the same, but with reduced normal hours in between. I hope that I am able to make this work and feel a little more connected to my kids and husband.

My boss, Elaine, has been great to me over the years and I am so glad she was able to give me this option. When you work with a small group for so many years, they really do become like family. We probably know too much about each other's lives, but we like it that way. If this wasn't an option, I am sure that I would have stuck it out and continued to work the hours, because I love my job so much but I am hoping that having a little more time will allow me help my kids more and be mentally more productive when I am at work.

And since I will usually be the first parent home, I will be picking up the dinner duties more than I have been (Bj has been so great! He is actually picking up Mama's Pizza for dinner. Yeah, I am spoiled.) I really need to menu plan and shop accordingly. I realized last night that my pantry and fridge were not prepared for me to be cooking all week. Oops! We have plenty of things Bj would cook but nothing for my go to meals. Guess that will have to wait until next week.

And I have plenty of time to think about adding to our family.

No, this isn't a pregnancy announcement. I really don't know if I want more kids or not. I guess we'll just see what God has in store. My OB/GYN says when you ask God, he usually answers yes. He has a direct line to God, he says. I love Dr. Wiegman. Always makes me smile.

If we do have another child, we should really consider naming it "Not Me." We kind of have a running joke about my 5th kid Not Me always getting in trouble. When I ask the kids who did whatever, they always blame him/her. I guess they would be born in trouble. Maybe that isn't the best idea. :)

I am just all over the place today. Now that you have all been entertained by the musings of my mind, we will now return to regularly scheduled programming. Until my thoughts strike again...

Let My People Go!

Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt's land.
Tell ol' Pharoah, "Let my people go!"

Over Thanksgiving break, Jill, my sister, was singing this song to Seth. It was the one song that would stop his fits or that he would approve of without a resounding "No!"

So this morning, for whatever reason, I was singing it to Seth and then in the car on the way to school. Daniel said it didn't sound like a real song. That's probably because I was imitating how Jill imitates how Erin, my niece, sings it. 

And God used it to speak to me. Just a little Sunday School song made for kids, but full of truth.

I'm sure we've all heard the story of how God used Moses to deliver the Israelites out of Egypt. God sent Moses to Egypt to bring freedom to the Israelites who had been enslaved by Pharoah for many years. He sent him with a clear plan and instructions. Tell them God sent you and tell Pharoah to "Let my people go!"

Seems easy enough and yet often times we desire to be rescued from our slavery, our bondage but are unwilling to take the steps to get there. What would have happened if Moses didn't face his enemy and declare that God said to free God's people? See, Moses had the authority of Almighty God behind him and that authority was greater than Pharoah's. But if Moses wouldn't speak the words to bring freedom, the Israelites would not have been delivered.

We need to realize the authority we have and act on it, telling the devil to let go of us, of our children, of our finances, our marriages, our lives. He isn't as big as we think he is. Yes, he isn't a wimp and he doesn't fight fair, but GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN US than he that is in the world. God wants us to be free to worship him, to serve him, to live for him, but often times we are stuck in our own bondage because we won't tell the devil to back off by the authority we have been given in Jesus. God is waiting for us to obey him so he can bring the deliverance, and we are waiting on him to rescue us and, in the meantime, refuse to obey what he is telling us to do. Refuse to stand up to our enemy and declare our freedom.

Declare your freedom today because he who the Son sets free is free indeed.

I'd Rather Have Jesus

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold.
I'd rather be his than have riches untold.
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands.
I'd rather be led by his nail-pierced hand.

Than to be a king of a vast domain.
Or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

Choices. Priorities. Decisions.

I meant to blog about this hymn a week or so back, but am just now getting around to it. Its been in my head for at least a week. Kind of an oldie that I actual don't remember singing in church as a hymn, but it is a hymn none the less.

I think the topic of priorities is especially pertinent during the Christmas season. It is so tempting to get drawn into the commercialism and trying to outdo each other with gift giving and decorating and all of that.

So this hymn brings me back to what is the most important in my life. There are a lot of good things that we all choose to make important to us. But none of that compares to having Jesus. I really don't know what people who don't have Jesus in their lives do. How can you possibly find peace in the middle of tragedy? Who do you turn to when life is filled with confusion? Or who comforts you when you feel all alone?

I remember when I was in my darkest days. I don't want to harp on the same subject, but when we were trying to have kids and expand our family, I could be in a room full of people and feel so alone. I felt like no one understood me. Like no one could understand me. I knew in my head that others had gone through this same situation and yet, nothing, no one could comfort or sympathize with me.

But Jesus.

Bj, who was so supportive and loving, couldn't heal where I felt broken. And unfixable. And unwanted. And I felt like I was being punished by God. Like he was ignoring me, on purpose.

But Jesus continued to show himself to me. He continued to speak to me and love me. He continued to use me, even in my brokenness.

People who have never experienced the love of God can't begin to understand the need for God. But once you've felt his presence, had relationship with him, it becomes a necessity. Without Jesus, you aren't really living. Although choosing him may be a difficult decision, living for him is so worth it. His love, a relationship with him, cannot be replaced with anything else. He is the only friend who will never leave you, who can love you unconditionally, no matter how broken you are or how many times you've failed him.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet he did not sin. Hebrews 4:15

Pray For Me

As a Christian who believes in the power of prayer, I take it very seriously when someone asks me to pray for them.  This week I started praying for a friend who asked for prayer and whom I know is not serving God and has no relationship with him. So it has started me thinking.

First, it amazes me how people do not think that God is real or important enough to acknowledge in their life on a daily basis and yet when they need something or things aren't going as planned, they ask for prayer. Why? Because they really do know God is powerful enough to help them and are too selfish to surrender what they want to maintain a daily relationship with him? Because they are so desperate they will try anything to get what they want or need? Or maybe saying "pray for me" is the easiest way to get people to give you attention and feel sorry for you and whatever you are going through? Those words always solicit attention or a few thoughtful  words at least upon their initial utterance.

Which brings me to the quandary I have when I do decide to pray for someone who isn't serving God. Because of my covenant relationship with God, he has an obligation as a part of the covenant with me to respond. He has promised to be faithful to me as I am faithful to him. And he has no such obligation to the unsaved. Yes, God in his love and mercy sometimes chooses to heal or provide for someone who doesn't love him back. But he is not in a relationship that requires a reciprocated response.

So then I am unsure how to pray. God, show yourself to them. Heal them if that is your will. Use whatever you can to prove youth are real and worthy of their devotion. Use this to draw them to yourself.

But I am not naive enough to believe that even when God does miraculously heal, that the recipient of his love will then choose to give their lives to him. So it kind of puts me on a weird place. I will still pray when I am asked, but usually I just pray that whatever God wants to happen will. (And an occasional "God, get 'em" in the best way possible.)

Thanksgiving Week - Day 4 & 5

Thanksgiving was spent at my parent's house. Going over there is nice for me because I know the kids can play and not get themselves in trouble or into something they aren't supposed to, so I can chill out. The food was good as usual, but the kids were sad that their "cousins" weren't there. They live in Grand Prairie like my parents but we really only see them over the holidays. They had a lot of family in town (on the other side) so they hosted at their house for them.

Bj had to work at 3, so left kinda early. Actually by 4, the only people left were us, my sister and her family, and my parents. The girls (my mom, sister and me) played Nertz for a while in between the distractions of little kids. It was nice and we haven't actually gotten to do that for a while. We used to play games every holiday, but that changes when there are babies everyone has to attend to.

We came home about 8 and Bj was home by 10.

We had hoped to go shopping for living room furniture today, but that plan was derailed when our ceiling was leaking and we had to call a plumber. It was discovered that the tile in our shower is basically not sealed well and we were advised to not use that shower until we can get it fixed. So we are stuck using the kids bath/shower combo until then. Needless to say, their shower will be the cleanest its been since we moved here because I refuse to use their shower without it being clean. They are just kids and they don't care what shape their shower is in.  It's a little gross. It only gets cleaned when the cleaning lady comes every 4 weeks. It will be an inconvenience more than anything.

Which is why I pushed Bj to find someone to come ASAP to talk about the repairs/remodel. We aren't quite sure what we are doing besides getting our shower retiled. They are coming tomorrow morning. Depending on cost, we may do some unnecessary, but definitely nice upgrades in addition to just the bare minimums.

The plumber did also look at another area we thought was leaking slowly, and fixed it while he was here. We'll have to get some sheet rock patched and a wall repainted at some point.

Today I finished decorating the inside of the house and got the lights up on the house. I can't find some of my outside extensions/ power strips so I need to buy some replacements and our lights will be good to go.

For dinner we went to IHOP. Speaking of food, Seth has done deal well eating today. And I didn't give him his pacifier except to nap this afternoon. He ate cinnamon toast crunch cereal for breakfast, cheese and crackers for lunch, and eggs and pancakes for dinner. I think his teeth must not be hurting him as much or his stomach is growing back to normal size.

If you'll remember, Seth pretty much gave up his pacifier at about 18 months without really even a fight. One day, he just decided he didn't want it. Well in the last few weeks, he's been sick, more clingy and giving me a such a fit about eating, especially in a restaurant. So either he has asked for it more, been whiny more, or I've gotten soft and given in. Either way he thinks he has to have it often and asks for it by saying "Can I have my paci back?" Yeah, he's way too smart and talking really well for his age. But after yesterday realizing I've just been too easy, I decided not to give it to him unless he is going to sleep (and he doesn't have to have it then, but it's my compromise for now). So I had to distract and redirect a lot, but he only had it for nap today and he is sleeping without it tonight. Bj had to take him upstairs so I could decorate this morning. He was screaming for me and his paci this morning. He sounded so pitiful I was in tears decorating. But eventually he got playing and I got things done and he didn't win. Practice makes progress.

This afternoon, Bj lost his wedding ring in the front yard. We were all out front. Some were playing catch, others riding bikes/scooters and some putting up lights. Bj really has needed to get his ring sized or something since he's lost weight. He went to catch the football and the ring flew off his finger. We searched for a while and then gave up while Bj posted on Facebook asking for a metal detector. While we were eating dinner, his parents came over with their metal detector and found the ring. We were so relieved.

Tonight after the kids went to bed, Bj and I ordered Christmas cards and got pictures printed.

Even though the day didn't go as planned, and furniture shopping got put on hold until we figure out what the renovations are going to cost, the day still felt productive. I only have 3 things left on the list for the week and hope to get to teach the kids to play Clue tomorrow. I loved that game as a kid and hope they love it as well.

Only 2 days left until it is back to work...

Thanksgiving Week - Day 3

This morning, after we woke up and ate breakfast, we headed to Target to let the kids get their ornaments for the year. Last year I ordered them online, but this year j just let the pick from what Target had available which was actually a pretty good selection. Seth got a yellow tonka truck ornament, Katelynn got a pink nail polish ornament, Daniel got Captain America, and Haley got minions from Despicable Me.  We also bought a star to put on top of their tree that is silver glitter.

Then we went to Little Giggles. I love that little resale shop. I sold back some clothes while the kids watched a movie in the kids play area. They love going just for that reason and I can come find them and ask their opinion about what I've found. Today all the kids got something new to them, but I really hit the jackpot with Daniel. I found him 5 pair of jeans/pants. I never get that lucky as boy pants rarely last long enough to be resold. They are just so rough on them. For most of the time Seth was happy watching the movie and only made me carry him around a little at the end.

Then we drove through Whataburger for lunch.  We watched Monsters Inc while Haley finished hanging up her clean clothes. After that Seth fell asleep while the big kids played outside for a bit.

The highlight of the day was taking the kids to their first Dallas Mavericks game. I am actually blogging in a quiet car on the way home. They are all asleep or at least quiet. We were late getting there due to BJs job and traffic, but were rewarded with an extra quarter (overtime) and a win. It was a really good game and the kids enjoyed it for the most part.

But more than that Daniel was ecstatic seeing the Dallas skyline on the drive there. Seriously, you would have thought he didn't live in Houston for the first years of his life. Maybe he'd just never seen it at night. Looking at the lights on the buildings, he was like a kid on Christmas morning. He was beyond excited. For his birthday he just wants to come to down town Dallas and drive around. And maybe ride the elevator up Reunion Tower.

Seth spent the night at Mom Fowlers so we could take just the big kids to the game and I could actually enjoy it without trying to keep him entertained. This is the first time (except for being physically out of town) that he has spent the night away so we could do something. I really couldn't find the benefit of picking him up and trying to get him back to sleep when we are doing Thanksgiving with them all tomorrow anyways. I was glad that he went to her happily and hope he sleeps okay for her tonight. She is going to try and get him to take his nap early tomorrow before bringing him to my mom's house. Hopefully that works and he will be all smiles and fun tomorrow when we are with the family.

Tomorrow BJ has to work at 2 so we are taking separate cars to my mom's house. I'll probably get up and go early so I can hang with Jill and whoever joins me can play with their cousins longer. We are eating at 1 and I will be happy to see Seth when the in-laws bring him over. I don't know if I'll blog tomorrow or not. Depends on how my day is going.

Either way, let me close by wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy your time with the people you love and be grateful for what God has blessed you with! I know I am.

Thsnksgiving Week - Day 2

I forgot to mention that Seth has been sick. He was diagnosed with an ear infection at his 2 year checkup so he has been on antibiotics for that and he's had a runny nose/cold. So needless to say he hasn't been eating very well (as in less for me than he usually does and that is saying a lot). Yesterday he ate decently which included a granola bar, fruit snacks, oatmeal and even some rotisserie chicken while I was cooking dinner (in addition to his bottles of milk. Milk is the one thing he will always take from me and since he's picky for me, and milk is a good source of nutrition for him I haven't taken away his bottles.)

So I woke up this morning about 7:30 and was about to get in the shower when I was informed by Haley that Seth had thrown up. Yep, pretty much everything he ate yesterday was in his crib, on his sheets, in his hair, you get the picture. So my nice shower was set aside and Seth got an immediate bath. He loves the bath, so it wasn't too bad, but cleaning vomit out of his hair and off of his clothes etc was not how I planned to start my day. Oh well.

I finally got my shower after taking care of Seth including getting him his medicine and morning bottle at about 9.

Mom Fowler picked all the kids up at 9:30 and took them to see Big Hero 6. Haley went back and forth on if she felt good enough to go but decided she would. She's been battling allergies with a random addition of fever last night. I warned Mom that Seth has been more clingy than usual and she said I could decide if Seth went or not. He went to her pretty easily this morning, so I let him go and I got a couple hours of a break while they enjoyed a movie.

And I chose to be lazy, kinda. I watch part of a Law and Orders SVU marathon while eating left over pizza for breakfast/lunch, blogged about yesterday, and put up my Christmas tree during the commercials. It isn't decorated, but it is up.

Daniel returned doing karate moves and said he was glad to remember his ninja side. The girls didn't say much about the movie besides that it as good.

Haley and I spent an hour or so doing math homework (because I do not want to deal with it later and she wasn't up to it over the weekend so I had some mercy.) Daniel and Katelynn played outside. They all helped Haley finish putting up her tree and then Mom Fowler showed up again to watch the kids while I took Daniel to therapy.

Today is his first session to help him with his anxiety disorder. I really hope he can build some self confidence. Praying this will be just what he needs. He said he wasn't nervous, so that's good. We went to what I thought was the office to find out they had moved. I really wish they would have told me. We were running ahead of schedule so we only got here a little late.

Tonight we are having home made chili/Frito pie for dinner. Seth fell asleep around 4:30 and is now napping on the couch.

So today didn't exactly feel like Thanksgiving week, but it was a nice day none the less.

On the agenda for tomorrow - picking out ornaments at Target (and a star or something for the top of their tree) and going to the Mavericks game with the big kids in the evening. Maybe I'll also get my tree decorated and well find some movie to watch in the afternoon.

Day 2 and still blogging strong. We'll see what the rest of the week brings.

Thanksgiving Week - Day 1

I don't spend nearly enough time chronicling the days I get to spend with my kids. This year I am off all week, so I've decided to write some about what is going on.

So yesterday we made a list of all the things we/I want to get done this week. I am sure we won't make it through all of it, but at least its a start. I tend to get at least mentally over ambitious and it ruins all the fun, so I'm trying not to do that.

Yesterday, the kids got up and I didn't even hear them until 7:45. This means they got up, went down stairs and were quiet, not arguing or bickering until then. And they didn't wake me or Seth or Haley up. It felt so good go sleep in some.

Then we decided to put their tree up in the living room. I put up the tree, they fluffed and decorated it. They did a good job, much better than last year where all the ornaments were squished together. Seth helped. At first he thought he could just put the in the tree and they would stay. By the time we were finishing he knew he needed a hook and could help me out them on. His favorite part is the button (pedal) to turn the lights off and on. The kids have done really well decorating.

I think Daniel was the most excited to get the trees up. He loves Christmas and loves having lights in his room. Later in the afternoon, after we went grocery shopping, the kids out their trees up in their room.

My fancy organized tree is the only one not up yet I'm hoping to at least get it up today. May be decorating it tomorrow.

In the afternoon we watched Home Alone, which I had recorded on TV a few days ago when I saw it was showing. The kids and I think that movie is so funny. Daniel thinks it would be fun to be so brave and face the bad guys like Kevin did. I was just glad he realized that some of the stunts prepared to hurt the bad guys weren't very safe. My kids love to laugh. So much so that they burst into laughter at the humor in a movie and we miss the next minute or so of what is going on. Often it frustrates me, but I guess we could all use a little more laughter.

For dinner, I made chicken and dumpling casserole. We really like it and it is so easy to make.

It was a great day and not once did their biological family come up. It doesn't scare me or intimidate me, but those thoughts usually leave my kids frustrated or angry. I'm just glad it was a nice day with the kids.

Thankful for the Presence

This morning God showed up in our service. Like he does often. Not that there's anything special about my church except that we want God to come and inhabit our praises and we give him room to move according to his plans.

And because God is moving so regularly it would be so easy to take him for granted. To assume that God will always show up when we are at the point of need. 

Don't get me wrong. God is faithful and often shows up when we need him, but the Bible clearly talks about seeking God while he can be found. The inference is that there is a time when he won't be found. So when God manifests his presence in a church service or otherwise, if we treasure him and find him valuable, we will enter into his presence and minister to him and allow him to minister to us. We shouldn't expect God to show up at our leisure.  When he comes he wants to touch us, and usually has a specific need he wants to meet. That opportunity may not come again. We can miss God's blessings and anointing because we assume God will always show up at our beck and call.

I don't remember a time in my life when God didn't show up at church regularly. I know that God has blessed our church in that way and I'm not bragging, but just telling you where I am coming from. So it would be very easy for me to lose the wonder, the awe, the gratefulness for his presence. To treat the King of Kings as ordinary and common. But I have made a conscious effort to not let myself be that way.

I have a good friend who has felt God's presence less often than I have because of his upbringing and the churches he has attended. And each time we've discussed what those experiences were like he has said he just can't understand how someone could feel God in that powerful way and decide not to give God his/her life or walk away unchanged. I have never known someone as grateful for God's presence as he is. Our friendship constantly reminds me how blessed we are. How good God is.

My prayer is that God will give us a hunger for more of him, an appreciation for who he is, and the desire to pursue him in greater ways than ever before.

National Adoption Day

As today is national adoption day, I thought I'd talk about how adoption has affected our lives. I think that before you decide to adopt kids or are personally involved in foster care or adoption, people have a very warm and fuzzy feeling about adoption. How wonderful to offer your home and your life to someone who needs a family!

And from my experience, adoption is an amazing thing! It is how God choose to grow my family! And I wouldn't go back for anything!

But adoption is hard! I know there are many other people who have adopted and had a much more difficult time than we have had, but we have still had obstacles to overcome. And just when I think things are going well and life will be kinda normal something happens and we are reminded again of the many things our kids have to face on an everyday basis. There are days when I wish we had them from birth so I would better understand why they feel certain ways or why they respond so harshly to some things. Or to prevent then from the things that cause hurt and anger for them.

Which brings me to Ephesians 1:4-6. The Bible tells us that we were adopted into his family. You can't choose your biological kids, and although its kind of a weird feeling, you do get to shop for your adopted kids. All that to say, God chose us because he wanted us.

There is no greater picture of what Jesus did for us than the physical adoption of kids into the family. Before we met our kids we were able to view their CPS file ( all 1100 pages of it) in order to determine if we thought we could handle whatever issues they had and help them work through them. We knew where their weaknesses were, we knew their struggles and imperfections and chose them anyways. God knows everything about us and yet chooses us to be in his family. He isn't blindly choosing us or stuck with us because we are biological family (although I love Seth and wouldn't get him back, he was added to our family somewhat blindly) but he chose us according to his pleasure. He is pleased to have us be a part of his family, his loved ones, the recipients of the inheritance he has prepared for his lineage. He desires to have us represent his family name and bear the resemblance of his character in our lives. That is powerful!

So to all of you who have been physically adopted or spiritually adopted, take today to celebrate that you are wanted and cherished and loved!

Happy National Adoption Day!

Sarah

For some reason I've been thinking about my struggles with infertility lately. If you've talked to me at all, after we were able to conceive and give birth to Seth, I determined that we were unable to conceive initially because it just wasn't God's time for us.

And if that is true, and I believe that it is, it leads me to wonder what the purpose of all the fertility treatments and such. I've looked back through the blog to see what all was documented here. I have wondered if I was pulling a Sarah. If in pursuing fertility treatments I was trying to rush God along or do things my way because I was too impatient to wait.

We did 3-4 monitored cycles with multiple medicines including a shot to induce ovulation, and 2-3 internal sonograms per month. I also had an HSG which is the test they do to determine if there is any blockage in your fallopian tubes by injecting dye into you and watching on a machine to see how the dye flows. (This was the most painful part of the entire process. I wouldn't wish it on anyone). I also had a diagnostic laparoscopy to make sure there weren't any other issues.  All of that led to nothing except more expenses on our part. So was it worth it? Was I doing what God wanted us to do or was I just being impatient?

According to my blog, at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. I don't really know except that those experiences gave me a better understanding of others going through fertility treatments. Even though there ended up being no benefit to those costs or expenses, maybe it was meant to be a part of our story.

I've learned that even if I was in error to try those things, God can and does use it for his glory if we let him. And he forgives us when we mess up and allows us to move forward with him by our side.

Confidence

I started this blog a few days ago and then never got around to finishing my thoughts. Today something came up that reminded me about this topic again, so I've decided to finish and post this. All that to say, someone needs to read this, so here it goes.

In my experience, I feel like Christians have a real problem with confidence. Because we don't want to be viewed at know-it-alls or arrogant. Because we don't want to push our beliefs on others. I agree that there is nothing worse than a Christian who has used their relationship with God to create a self serving image or platform. Who has made the gift of salvation all about them.

But our tendency to shy away from pride has created another problem among Christians. Lack of confidence. Somehow, we have become so "humble" that we aren't even confident enough to be who God has called us to be. And there is nothing wrong with humility. It is actually a quality that God wants us to have, but not to such a level that we are hindered.

Somehow we've forgotten that our confidence shouldn't be in ourselves but in Christ. You see, when we are his, he is the source of our everything. We don't have to feel meek or unworthy, but are made into the righteousness of God by the blood of Jesus. We are actually told to be confident.

Hebrews 4:16 Therefore, left us approach the throne of grace with BOLDNESS, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

I John 5:14 And this is the confidence we have in approaching God; that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

Our confidence has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Him. We are worthy of his blessings, his presence, his promises. Not because of who we are but because of who he is in us.

When the church doesn't grasp the authority and confidence we should a have in God, and learn to walk in that, Gods purposes are delayed. So we can't let that happen. We have to get in the word, remind ourselves who God says we are, and start living like it.

A good friend told me that the reason we struggle with feeling that we are worthy of what God has is that we impose our sinful nature on God. In other words, since we wouldn't find ourselves worthy if we were to be the judge, we assume God will see us the same way. The good news is that God is not sinful and he doesn't respond how we would. Although we can't fully grasp it, his love covers a  multitude of sins and he chooses to see past our unworthiness and love us, choose us, bless us seeing us as what he knows we will become.

Praise God that though we could never earn his love, he still gives it freely to us, and he has made us worthy.

Amazing Grace

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found.
Was blind but now I see.

Grace - an undeserved gift from God. Of eternal life. Of his forgiveness and compassion toward us. Of his love and goodness and the faithfulness of God in our lives.

Some would argue that one who had been saved from a life of sin has experienced a greater grace than someone like me, who was raised in church, who chose salvation at the young age of 6 and has chosen to serve God since that day.

But even if I was a good sinner, I was still a sinner in need of a savior. Still headed to hell were it not for the saving grace of God. My salvation and the forgiveness of my sins was purchased with the life of Jesus. With the same blood that saves the worst of sinners and the grace I received was indeed amazing.

Without the Holy Spirit to open our eyes we are all blind. To our need for a savior. To the realization that we cannot in all our efforts and good ideas save ourselves and deserve the gift of salvation. See, you did not seek and find Jesus, but he pursued you. Tugging at your heart, drawing you to come to him, desiring to make you his child and by his power alone, he has made you just that. By his amazing grace!

I once was lost but now am found.

Was blind but now I see.

Heavenly Hymns

One of the things I really like about hymns is the focus on heaven. We just don't get that much in the modern praise and worship. I think we sing more songs about being with God in heaven and being amazed (which are both true of heaven) but hymns speak of celebration, of the excitement and joy that heaven will be.

Everybody will be happy will be happy over there.
We will shout and sing God's praises.
Everybody will be happy over there.

When we all get to heaven
What a day of rejoicing that will be
When we all see Jesus
We'll sing and shout the victory.

I've heard this saying and I'm not sure where.
Don't be so heavenly minded that you aren't any earthly good.
I think the church as a whole has shifted from being so focused on heaven to the here and now. I don't think its a bad thing, but I definitely think some balance is needed.

There is some validity in the thought that we are not just saved to go to heaven but that we can experience victory here in our Christian walk. But there is also some truth in the fact that this world is not our home. We are just pilgrims on a journey to our real life. This life is important and how we choose to live for God or not is important, but this is just the pre-show, the appetizer, If you will, for the rest of our lives.

And the rest of our existence in heaven will be awesome. It is something to look forward to. It is the reason we keep on going day after day. Because there is more than this. Praise God!

What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see.
When I look upon his face, the one who saved me by his grace.
When he takes me by the hand and leads me through the promise land.
What a day glorious day that will be.

Tis so sweet

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take him at his word.
Just to rest upon his promise
Just to know thus saith the Lord.
Jesus Jesus how I trust him
How I've proved him o'er and o'er.
Jesus Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for grace to trust him more.

This old hymn seems to be my go to when things in life don't make sense. I remember singing it in the hospital room when BJs brother was unconscious after a motorcycle accident. My sister sang it at my grandma's funeral.

And today another Godly woman has gone home to heaven. Although I know that her family was not ready to see her go, I also know that she is well now. And she is healed. And she has seen the face of her Father and wouldn't come back to this world for anything.

There are times in life when things don't seem fair. When we beg God to hear us in our desperation and things don't turn out the way we hoped. We are tempted to doubt God. To doubt that he is in control. That he will rescue us when we feel so alone.

I have learned that even in that, God knows what he is doing. When we are hurting and filled with questions, yes, it is still sweet to trust him. Only when we choose to trust God regardless of what is going on around us do we find true peace in Him. Only then.

Have A Little Talk With Jesus

Let us have a little talk with Jesus.
Let us tell him all about our troubles.
He will hear our faintest cry
And he will answer by and by
So when you feel a little prayer wheel turning
And you know a little fire is burning
You will find a little talk with Jesus makes it right.

Talking to Jesus is a good thing. Prayer works. Not because we choose or will something to happen but because God chooses to be moved by the prayers of his people. This doesn't mean we always get what we ask for, or that the answer is always yes but we can be sure that God listens and hears our prayers.

And it feels good to get things off of our chest. Its good to not carry things inside but to let them out. And there is no other person who is a better listener or audience for our venting than our loving Father.

And he knows. It all. He understands. In a way that no other ever will. And he's the one calling the shots. Not that we don't have choice, but that he is sovereign God.

In the end we will only see that things are made right if we can learn to take it to Jesus, lay it all at his feet and leave it there. Picking it up ensures that we will keep trying to make it all happen on our own. But leaving it there means we are trusting God to take care of it. Fully trusting that his ways are higher than ours. And he knows what is best for us.

Anthem

It's been a while since we sang hymns at our church. We used to do a couple each week, but the man who led that is getting older and has stepped down with no one to replace him. Man, I miss Brother Buddy and some good old hymns.

And I feel like the church is missing something by discarding the hymns and replacing them with praise and worship. Don't get me wrong, I love praise and worship, but there is something that a hymn brings that other worship doesn't. They are simple and to the point. Reminding us of the sacrifice of Jesus, or rejoicing in our coming king or heavenly home. They bring a feel, an emotion, that just can't be recreated through praise and worship.

A lot of praise and worship music tries too hard. To be lyrical, to be better than the latest and greatest. To get people to like it. And we have lost the feeling of the song. The emotion that comes from the author. The anointing of God has been replaced by trend and something different. 

So I am going to take some posts here in the future to look at some old hymns and discuss my thoughts. 

Tonight's installment: What a Friend We Have in Jesus.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

I woke up singing this song this morning (among others). Jesus, our friend, desires to carry all of our burdens and provide us with peace. But we have to choose to give him it all. We have an advocate, who goes before the Father on our behalf with our needs. It's his privilege to do so and our privilege to bring it all to him and leave it there.

But sometimes, we want to bear our own pain. We don't want to unnecessarily burden others down. When we choose to hold it all, we are denying ourselves of peace and denying Jesus the opportunity to meet our needs according to his riches.

Sometimes we don't want help. We want to do it ourselves. We want to prove that we are strong enough, tough enough, good enough to handle it all on our own.

But we aren't. And until we can admit that, and bring it all to Jesus, our true friend, we will struggle  and we will feel the weight of it all. Not because Jesus won't take care of it all. Because we are choosing to do it ourselves. Like a stubborn 2 year old. Who in all reality, can't do everything themselves and yet, persists that he can.

We are so stubborn sometimes. Unwilling to give it all to Jesus. So he patiently waits for us. Wanting what is best for us and waiting for us to let him be God in our lives.

Jesus is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. He is always with us. We are never alone, no matter how we feel. Never Alone. And he knows what is best. And he wants to carry our burdens. And in his love, he lets us be stubborn and choose to do things the hard way.

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Fading Away

I truly believe that in my life time I will see the return of Christ for his church, a bride without spot or wrinkle. There are things happening now in the world that point to these being the last days. And although I don't tend to spend much time trying to figure out end time prophesy, I do know two general things that will happen. There will be a great falling away of the church and a great revival. Although these things seems contradictory, I do believe they are essentially a separating of the Christians in name only and those who are committed to die for Jesus if necessary.

I know that God is the ultimate judge, but I also know that the Bible says you can recognize a Christian by its fruit. So I see many Christians finding less time to be at the house of God and more time for everything else. I see the hunger dwindling away, but I also see new families coming into the kingdom with a new fervor to serve God and proclaim his name.

The former hurts me. I just wanna yell God is coming, don't give up now, we are almost there! I want to beg and plead with them. How sad to turn away from God at the 11th hour! At yet, I know that any decision made because someone has convinced you or guilted you into it is not strong enough for you to stand. So I pray for those instead, knowing that God can draw them back, God can reconcile them and will continue calling them back, forgiving, loving, because God cannot deny his compassionate heart. Even when we walk away from him.

And the falling away doesn't happen in a day. Its one decision at a time. To choose to take a break from it all and just be absent instead of faithful. To ignore the voice of God instead of obey. To allow ourselves to stop fighting the fight of faith and to just give in because it is easier. Because we are tired.

Our example of strength in the face of trials is Jesus, who chose to die on the cross, when he didn't have to, didn't want to. Just as he endured, we too should endure and keep pushing on and not give up. Because God is able to make us stand.

We do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved. Hebrews 10:39

Marriage is a Journey

Really been thinking about my husband and marriage today. Things are really good right now. Really good.

But that doesn't happen by default. It happens by the grace of God and very intentional acts on both our parts. We have both been willing to work on us in order to help our marriage flourish.

Honestly, things were kinda rough after Seth was born. Bj was such a great husband taking care of the older kids and helping me when he could and really making things doable. But it is very hard to balance being a new mom and being the wife my husband needs me to be. Bj got overlooked a lot, but was so gracious and just kept loving me through it.

And here we are almost 2 years later and our marriage is better than it has ever been. And that's the way a marriage should be. It just gets better over time, as long as you intentionally keep your spouse was your second most important relationship (after you relationship with god and before your kids.)

I've said it so many times, but I am truly thankful for the godly husband Bj is and the great dad he has become. My life is complete because he is in it.

Iron Friend

The past week or so I've gained a new friend, kind of unexpectedly. I've known this person for a while but not like this. We are able to discuss and talk about everything without either one getting offended. I can be pretty brutally honest and they get me and debate with me and we leave the conversation better than we came.

It has been a long time (maybe never before) since I've had a friend like this. I am so grateful for this friendship God thought I needed.

I've never been one to have a lot of close friends. Looking back I've had quite a few friends, but each of them have clicked with me in certain areas and there were other topics we knew we didn't agree on so we avoided them. And I was okay with that and am not asking for sympathy.

But this friendship is different. A good different. God gave me an iron friend.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

God Comes While We Wait

Earlier in the week, I started looking at my Sunday School lesson and God really spoke to me. If you are in my Sunday School class consider yourself warned for the upcoming spoiler.

We all know the story of Sarah and Abraham. God had promised them a son and many descendants and they waited about 25 years before they saw God's promise fulfilled. What I'd never really thought about was the way God showed himself to them during the time of waiting.

It was during these years that God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah and rescued Lot in answer to Abraham's prayer. This was to show them that nothing is impossible with God.

It was also during the wait that Sarah found favor with Abimelech. When he pursued her ( believing that Sarah was Abraham's sister) God punished Abimelech by closing the wombs of his wife and maids. Abraham, whose own wife was barren, prayed for God to open their closed wombs and God heard him. This showed Abraham and Sarah very clearly that nothing is impossible, even the opening of barren wombs (the very thing they were struggling to believe God could do.)

So God intentionally showed himself to them while they were waiting on his promise to remind them that he is God and to encourage them to hold on a little longer. Why? Because he knew that waiting isn't easy, but that it is worth it in the long run.

I go back to our time of waiting, when we were dealing with unexplained infertility. During the waiting, God led us to adopt our three beautiful children. Three children who already had family names from our family. Three children who look just like us and fit us perfectly. Yes, these children were a miracle of their own, but they were also a reminder to us that God was still faithful and he was still going to be faithful to his promise to us.

And 5 months later, we found out we were pregnant!

So be encouraged! God is faithful to his word and he will very intentionally speak and move even as you wait to encourage and remind you that he loves you and will keep his promises!

Hope and a Future

I think one of the hardest things to change about someone else is their drive. I am and always have been very driven. Once I knew what I wanted, I have planned my course of action and gone for it. But I don't really know what makes some people driven and hard workers and others unmotivated and just going through the motions, unable to see past the current to the future.

Recently, Daniel's thinking has changed from one day at a time to more forward thinking. He's been talking about and trying to decide what he wants to be when he grows up and what college he wants to go to and things like that. I know he is just at that age where those things interest him, but it excites me that he's started to dream and have hope and ideas about his future.

Currently he wants to be a police officer. Although that isn't really my first choice for him (for obvious mommy fear reasons), but it is good for him to have aspirations. And it makes this mom happy that the City of Arlington requires police officers to have a 4 year degree (this may be common for all cities, but I just saw this on a career posting lately). We've discussed how when you have a dream, you need to figure out what you need to do to accomplish that and what steps have to be taken to get there. Although I know he doesn't love school, he's shown some maturity by realizing that he has to be willing to do whatever it takes to get where he wants to be. It isn't always what you would choose, but the dream will be worth the work. He is currently wanting to live at home and go to UTA after high school. He wants to be close to us so if he has problems with school, we can help him. I know he doesn't realize how life will be different then and he will be smarter and able to do things on his own, but I'm just glad he has learned to dream and have hope for the future.

Life is so sad when there is no future to look forward to or hope for what could be. I am so glad that God has hope for us even when we don't and he has great plans for our future.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."

Just Acting

Today has been a day of self reflection for me. And my conclusion is that I was way too good of an actor as a child. Where people saw me as confident, I was really very intimidated and shy. Yes, there at certain things that come naturally for me, but I never wanted that to make people feel inferior or not good enough around me.

So I've thought about whether my actions have led people to be intimidated by me or if it has happened in spite of what I've said or done.  I really don't know except to say that is not my heart. If you'll stay around me long enough to hear my heart, you'll learn that I want to encourage others to do things they think are impossible and never to make anyone feel like they aren't good enough.

I know we all do it on some level, but we should really try to not compare ourselves to others. The devil really likes us to go there and he will use it against us. No matter how good it looks, we never really know someone else's motives or their struggles. If it looks like someone has it all together, chances are they don't. Things at never as easy as they seem.

Food Wars

Since birth Seth has been a pretty easy child. Not perfect but pretty much a sweet smiley little guy. The only exception has been when he has been teething , which even that has been easier than some stories I've heard.

But the kid won't eat for me. I am trying to get him to eat sitting at the table with the family for dinner, but it usually turns into a screaming fit. I try to just ignore him and go on, but this is definitely getting old. My sister in all her wisdom says that feeding a toddler is all a mind game. I would be okay with this if he was just a little better at speaking and communicating to us, telling us what he wants. I am not beyond bribing him at least short term until he realizes that sitting in a chair (or on a booster) will not lead to some type of slow painful death. You should hear his screams. It is just pathetic, especially for a child that is normally easy going.

In the past few days I have realized that rewarding him works, but he has to believe you will actually do what you promised and be able to actually see the reward. For example, he wouldn't eat his chicken nuggets at Burger King with the reward of playing until he was actually sitting in the room with the playground watching other kids play. Tonight he wouldn't eat until we went outside so he could sit st the picnic table with the promised bubbles in hand. Traditionally him seeing the reward has backfired and made his fit get louder and more dramatic, but no it with this.

Seriously that child is 23 months going on 4. He just thinks he is so big. His language has just exploded lately and he is so fun! If we can just figure out the food wars we would be good. I feel like I've tried everything, but would love to hear any advice you experienced moms have. He is my baby, but these are new waters for me. This is one of the many things that make me thankful that we got our older kids when they were past this stage. It also makes me seriously consider if we want a 5th child or not.

Prepare

Sundays seem to be the easiest day for me to update on the happenings at the Fowler house, so here we go again. Friday I had three parent teacher meetings (it's that time of year again) and they went okay. I think the hardest thing for me at these meetings is the surprises.  My kids seem to be doing well and their grades are overall better than previous years, but there is always something that surprises me. I often leave feeling like I'm either being lied to by my kids or that the teachers aren't very good communicators.  If my child is really having an issue, I don't really understand why we go an entire 6 weeks without any communication home. Either way, I'm trying to learn to take everything lightly, and just understand that they don't know how my child is/was before so what they can't understand or are concerned about in many times is progress from previous years. (Does that even make any sense?) Don't want to get myself overthinking it all again, so I'll move on.

Today in church I got lost in worship. I am not sure that has ever happened to me before when I was playing the piano. I try to worship, but there is usually some conscience effort to remember what I'm playing (especially if I have my eyes closed) or to kind of pay attention to the worship leader or think through the next chord or lyric. But today, there was a moment, maybe a few minutes, where I totally forgot I was playing piano and I just worshiped from the deepest part of me. I wasn't singing the chorus, but was just praying/singing as the Spirit led me. I honestly don't know if I played all the right notes or clunked my way through, but it was amazing! I got a taste of what I think God truly desires from me. Now if I can learn to get there more often, I really believe God will get the honor he deserves from me. God is so awesome!

At church, there has been a growing sense of God's presence and an anticipation of God doing something big soon. This means there has been increased spiritual hunger and the moving of God's Spirit has been so sweet. That also means the devil is fighting members of our church harder and the attacks are coming stronger or more frequently for some. It seems that when God is about to move, there is a great divide among the church.  There are those who are getting in to what God is doing more, entering into worship more, spending more time with God, and there are those who are shrinking back, who are feeling more alone and more discouraged. We keep hearing the word preparation and the theme of getting ready for what God has in store next. 

And tonight as I read my Bible I was brought to these verses in Isaiah 40:3-5

A voice of one calling: "In the wilderness prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all the people will see it together. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

There are a couple of things God is speaking to me:

God wants us to prepare the way and get ready for him in the wilderness and valley. Usually when we think of God coming or a King making a grand appearance, we think about the beautiful palace or the royal gardens or a place that is green and full of life. But God wants to make an appearance, to show his glory even in the wildernesses and deserts. He is rearranging our lives, the valleys, the mountains, the rough grounds so that his glory can be seen in us, in the midst of the dryness and the struggles of life. He isn't waiting for everything to be perfect and then he will make an appearance. He wants his glory to saturate the valleys and the wilderness and bring life and breath to the parts of our lives that are dead and dry.

The glory of the LORD will be revealed. God is not asking our permission or deciding if he will make his presence, his glory, the awesomeness of him known to us. He has made up his mind and is waiting for us to be ready to accept him when he comes. We have to get prepared so he can have his way when he comes in his fullness in our lives.

God has spoken his word and will not change his mind. He is God and he doesn't lie. He doesn't speak and not act or promise and not fulfill. He will do it.

We have to chose to be a part of it. If we choose to shrink back or be more discouraged or tired, we may miss what God has for us. 

I am not belittling the exhaustion that can come when we are constantly struggling with the trials and circumstances of life. But I am saying you have to chose to either let God refresh you with his presence, trust him enough to lay down the burden and be prepared for the coming of his anointing and presence or miss what God is doing. He loves you and he wants you to be a part of it, but he can't force you. So choose to let God prepare you for his anointing that is coming for your benefit.

I preached at my church a couple of weeks ago on becoming weapons of righteousness. I have since watched the DVD of the sermon 3-4 times and I am really enjoying it (not because I prepared well or put it all together, but I can see where God was weaving it all together as I spoke.) I like to watch myself because when you are in the moment and preaching/ministering a lot of the time you have no idea what you said (or at least I don't apart from the main ideas in my notes.) When BJ gets it uploaded to the church website, I'll be sure to share a link here so you can watch it if you'd like. (Not for my glory, but for His).

Now its off to bed for me. My early bed time has turned late again, but I had to get some of that written down. Have a great week!

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

My house is full of drama. Full of it. I love my kids dearly, but they sure know how to over-exaggerate EVERYTHING. BJ and I have decided that Haley is probably the most dramatic right now. And that is saying a lot because Katelynn is dramatic in her own right, usually on the side of being silly and funny.

Haley, however, is always in need of a doctor and the ER. Tonight within 30 minutes she had "broken" her toe, ran into the cupboards and hurt her foot. The thing with her is that everything is a serious issue and yet she continues being rough or doing whatever it was that caused the injury. (On a serious note, when she broke her wrist, I didn't know whether to believe her or not and it took the school nurse prodding me to get me to take her to get xrays and sure enough it was broken.)

Tonight Haley hurt her foot trying to do cartwheels in the living room. After the "injury" she was fine, walked over to the couch, sat down, read her Bible and by the time everyone was done sharing what they had learned, she couldn't move to get off of the couch. She slowly limped up the stairs, whimpering the whole time, and then laid on her bed in an odd way so her foot would be elevated. She was convinced that tomorrow I would have to take off work and take her to the doctor. BJ diagnosed her with footicus dramaticus. About 40 minutes later she came down stairs itching and wanting some lotion. I asked her about her foot. She said it didn't hurt any more. I couldn't help but start laughing. It made her mad, understandably so. She knows she overreacts and I can't believe her reactions, but she can't help herself.

I really do love that girl and she brings a smile to my face, but I really have a hard time knowing when she is overreacting and when she is really hurt.

If nothing else, she serves as good entertainment! Crazy girl!

Young Adults Sunday School Class

The class the BJ and I teach on Sunday mornings has officially been called college/career since it was started. In theory it is supposed to be the class people go to when they graduate high school and before they become "real adults" (whatever that is supposed to mean.) With that being said, there has never really been a point of promotion from our class. That means the class has evolved several times to be applicable to whomever the current audience is. 

We started with a group of girls who had been tossed around to a few different teachers who they either ran off or left teaching for whatever reason. I had known them all basically since birth, and they were all raised in the church like I was. Some from that group have gotten married and moved on and others just don't come for whatever reason, so none of the original class is there any more. Then it moved into a new group of recent high school graduates (mainly 2 guys) and a friend of mine who has chosen to be in that class (even though she doesn't really fit the target audience and she knows that and is okay with that.) Recently, we have grown to 3-4 young married couples with a couple of outliers.

It is really very different to teach to a group of people who you haven't known forever or haven't been in the same church with forever. I am really enjoying teaching them, but it is definitely different. It  has been good for me to learn to teach from a more foundations based level. Not on a lower level, but also not assuming they know the word or what my personal spiritual walk has been or what God has taught me. They aren't the most talkative bunch, but they seem interested and engaged, so that helps the teacher. 

The recent change in our Sunday School class is due to the way God is growing our church and I love being a part of it. For a while, I felt like there were only a few married couples our age that were in the same stages of life as we were. (I'm sure that was pre-kids). Now, I'm seeing more and more couples coming with kids and I really feel like I connect with more of them. Not really on a close BFF level, but more on an understanding of life level. And having kids has made me connect on a different level with some of the new families. I love how God puts us all together. In the past month or so the nursery has grown from Seth to 5 regulars from 0-2. I love it! I want him to have church friends to grow up with.

Times are changing, God is moving, and growth is happening! Praise God.

Young Man

Daniel has made it the entire 6 weeks without a single folder sign. Last year he made it 1 week the entire year. He is getting it! He is a rock star!  I am so proud of him. He has become my helper around the house and is often found emptying or filling the dishwasher or asking if he can help with other things around the house.

He is still struggling with organization at school, but with him doing better staying on task I know he will get it.

Last Sunday during church he was writing a letter to God. I won't share the details of what it said because that's kind of a private thing, but it showed that he is seeking God and hungry for God to reveal himself to my young man. I know God hears him but we are working on encouraging Daniel to know that God does love him and he can never do anything that will change that. Coming from his background, he needs a lot of reassurance.

I've been praying that God will speak to him clearly so he knows he is not forgotten. My son is turning into a great young man! I know that if he keeps trying to hear God, God will speak.

Night and Day

We are 6 weeks into school and I am just amazed how easy it has been. Something happened to Haley over the summer and she is growing up right before my eyes. I don't know if she's finally coming into her own because she is in intermediate school, or she's just learned that it feels good to work at something and succeed, or if the help she is getting at school has changed her work ethic. Or God. Yeah, probably all of that but mostly God.

She started the school year out with a bang and quickly learned  how much studying she needed to do to make 100s on her vocabulary test and has continued to keep up the work. She is passing every subject and with a little more work could be a A-B student. She'll get there.

On Sunday night we worked on a reading comprehension project that I dreaded would be a struggle. But she proved she's maturing by sitting right down and we worked through it one question at a time. No fighting, no begging or pleading or yelling. It was great!!

It hasn't all been that peachy, but for the most part she is doing her work and doing great! So much better than previous years. Final grades for the first 6 weeks aren't in but I think she has 1 A, 1 B, and 2 high Cs. I am so proud of her. She is strong and she's a fighter so I know she is going to do great things!