The Man With a Plan

II Timothy 1:9 For God saved us and called us to live a holy life. He did this, not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan from the beginning of time - to show us grace through Christ Jesus.

Since before the world existed God has had a plan (I love planners!!☺). It wasn't a plan that exalted us or raised up an army or that depend on our doing at all. His plan was to show grace. To generously give to people who were undeserving if they would just accept his gift.

And since the creation of time we have been trying to figure out how to earn this gift. Maybe if we follow the rituals of the law or be "good", then he could show grace. Maybe if we proved we were worth it, he would bestow his gift to us. Maybe if we worked really hard and accomplished many great things he would have grace on us. And none of our plans have worked because they were never a part of The Plan.

The plan to give generously undeserved favor to us, knowing we were greedy and selfish. Knowing we could never repay him. That we would be constantly dependent on him to provide for us.

Grace is such a hard concept to grasp until you've experienced it. And maybe those who have been forgiven of much can better appreciate grace than those who were raised in church and never really strayed from him.

So this year, I want to be more aware of the sprinkling of God's grace on my life and be intentionally grateful for all that blessings I've received, noticing his hand in ever part of my life. Because I am a recipient of his amazing grace.

The Best is Yet to Come

A new year can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.

For some, it is sorrow that this great year has to come to an end. A longing for time to freeze and for this moment to remain. A fear that the upcoming year can't possibly compare to what you've just experienced.

For others it's a relief. A fresh start. A longing to forget the struggles, the sorrow, the stress of the previous year and move forward. To get out of the current whole and move forward.

But the one thing I keep hearing in my soul is the best is yet to come. And that is certainly true when you serve God.

That doesn't mean there will be no sorrow or struggle in the upcoming year, but that even in those struggles, if you seek Him, He will be ever present. You will be nearer to His heart than before.

The best is yet to come.

It does mean you can look forward in hope, joyful expectation of seeing God come through again. Expectation of being led by his spirit. Just waiting to see how God will show himself strong in your every day.

So I look forward to a new year, knowing it will hold both joys and sorrows, tests and triumphs. Because I know whose I am and who holds my tomorrow and he exceeds my expectations.

Shift

I guess it was about a week ago when I heard this worship song that has just been my song this week. Every time I hear it or start singing it, there is an automatic focus shift from me to God. 

Now, I love to worship and there are a lot of songs I like, but this one just hits me differently. I love worship songs that I can relate to that are Biblically sound. There are several that speak about going through valleys and finding God in the middle of the struggle. Really good stuff, but this song is ALL ABOUT HIM!! There is no room for my self absorbed pouting or whining or thinking at all about what I am going through. 

And I love that. It reminds me this life and all I do and all I face is really all about Him and His purposes and His plans and not at all about me.

And no matter what, He is worthy of all my praise, all my effort, all I have to sacrifice to him.

For from you are all things and to you are all things. You deserve the glory.

Christmas Perspective

This morning I woke up late (7:40) and my house was still quiet, which was a Christmas miracle. My kids never sleep in this late, especially not on Christmas. Yesterday must have worn them out. After our morning worship service, we want to lunch for Katelynn's birthday, had ice cream for dessert, made a birthday cake for Jesus and opened Christmas jammies. All this after 2 days of Christmas festivities. They were in bed normal time and then slept in.

Anyways before I actually got out of bed, I started praying. Most years Christmas is probably one of my least favorite days. I think my expectations for my kids are too high and I end up disappointed. I get mad when they are ungrateful or feel like I spend all day cleaning up while all they do is play. I know these are both normal, so I don't think it's them that's the issue but my perspective and expectations.

So I started praying early in hopes of changing my attitude. Of having a normal Christmas. One where I didn't take my disappointment out on my kids. I started intentionally thanking Jesus for coming to earth and praying he would help me find my joy and peace in him, especially on this day where I tend to expect others to satisfy me by being thankful or appreciative of all my work for them. So before I got my feet out of bed, I decided it was okay if they were ungrateful, okay if they didn't like their gifts, okay if they enjoyed their presents while I cleaned up. Because today I was focused on the real reason we celebrate Christmas.

And with God's strength I made it through, focused and filled with joy and peace rather than frustrated and angry. And just for the record they were grateful and helpful more than in previous years, or maybe I just noticed the good instead of the bad.

And it showed me one thing. Not that I am anything, but that if I start my day in his presence, setting my perspective on him, He will give me the strength to make it through victorious over my selfish and sinful tendencies. And he will help you too if you take the time to get his perspective rather than relying on your normal.

Consecrated

It's been a while since I've done a Sunday School lesson recap on my blog. I guess I never really classified it as such, but did use to share at least the highlights from my class kinda regularly.

Today's lesson focused on Joshua 3:5 where the Isrealites were about to cross the Jordan River and their leaders were giving instructions. Joshua's instructions were clear: consecrate/sanctify/purify yourself for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things.

A couple of things.

1. We are all so eager and happy and excited to do great things for God, but we forget we aren't in control. We have no power or authority that produces great things. Our job is to consecrate ourselves to God and he will do amazing things. Often times he chooses to use us, but we aren't the driving force. We don't have to make things happen and put the ball into motion. That's God's job! We only have to consecrate ourselves. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Are we as devoted to God in our down time as in our serving time? When there is a project or a church program we have volunteered to help with, we are all in. We plan it. We show up when needed. We are ready to work! But what about in our down time? How many countless hours do we spend scrolling through Facebook that could have been devoted to God? How many minutes/hours are we wasting that could be better spent in his presence? In his Word? Preparing ourselves for whatever is coming next.

We say we need down time. We refresh our selves by doing mindless things like playing games on our phones, or watching TV. Could we not make the habit of finding our refreshing in Him?  We all have excuses, but what if we stopped justifying our lack of devotion and changed our priorities? Are we scared we will be disappointed by his absence? That he won't be found by us when we seek him? That he'll ask something of us we aren't willing to give? Or have we set up in our minds this perfect experience, perfect circumstance where we could avail ourselves to all he has and that time never comes. More times than I dare to admit, I have started out with good intentions, with personal goals and expectations that only lead me to failure. In my eyes, but not in the eyes of my loving Father who just wants to spend time with me. Who doesn't care if I get off schedule or if I have an off day. Who doesn't punish me when I return to him but is waiting with open arms.

So my goal is to be more devoted, to fall more in love with the one who loved me first in the middle of my mess. And as much as I'd like to quantify that, I know that I can't. I want my go to time filler to be time with Him. Not always in the quiet or uninterrupted, but to live life like he is physically with me. My best friend who is always my side. And see God do amazing things as I do my part and consecrate myself unto him.

Wrapping Up

Can y'all believe we are almost to the end of 2017? I'm not sure how each year flies by faster than the previous, but it sure feels like it.

And every year I try to take some time and reevaluate me. To look back at my goals for the year and see if they were accomplished and to look forward to where I want to be in the next year. And if my last two Sunday School lessons are any indication of what I feel I need to work on,  for 2018, I'm looking for an attitude change. (On a side note, I'm always amazed that no matter how long you have been serving Jesus, he has a way of continuing to raise the standard in your life. To challenge you to be closer to him, to love more like him and respond more like he would. My human self would think that as some point the struggles would lessen, but I've learned there is always something new God will require to stretch you. And that the closer we get to Jesus, the more we realize our fallen state.)

My goal (okay, what God has pushed me towards) is an attitude of gratefulness instead of complaining and love/grace instead of criticizing. I'm so critical and can be such a complainer. Maybe not in public where everyone sees or knows, but definitely in my own home. I don't know what I think I'm accomplishing by either of these things. I've told my class these past two weeks that to change our attitudes, we have to have a heart change because thats the source of our attitudes. Complaining words or criticism doesn't just leave our lips without first resonating deep within who we are. And the only way I know to change my heart and my over-analysis of others is to pray for those I complain about or am critical towards. I jokingly told my class that my prayer list is long and the Holy Spirit nudged me saying , "if you really did what you want your students to do, that list would be longer than it really is."

So here I go. Praying for those I'm critical of. Praying grateful prayers instead of complaining whining ones.

Honestly I've gotten away from praying for people in an effort to keep my prayers more worshipful and less selfish but maybe it just kept me from seeing my disobedience or dealing with my junk. Maybe I was in denial or avoiding it all together.

Another thing that hit me today was that when people don't see importance in what I'm trying to offer, I get angry and annoyed. I take some high horse, throwing a tantrum because it's not going my way. So I definitely have some pride issues to deal with too.

Oh boy. I hate dealing with my stuff. I much prefer praying for someone else's struggles than doing my part to deal with my own. But I'm gonna put on my big girl panties and do what I should instead of waiting for everyone else to fix themselves and make my life closer to what God desires.

What A Difference...

A year makes.

About a year ago, my Pastor of 30 years announced he was retiring and the world as I knew it went into a tail spin. And as much as I was not happy about change (just as a part of who I am), there was a part of me that was kinda excited for something new.

And it has definitely been a year of change. And it's been mostly good, once we got over the initial hump of getting things rolling. Our previous pastor did so much more than anyone really knew. We didn't realize a lot of it until after he was gone.

So it's been a year of reorganizing and recreating, sometimes with a starting place and sometimes starting from scratch. What should have been one of the most stressful years in my life, between work, kids and taking on more volunteer responsibilities, God has ordained and orchestrated so perfectly.  I've been so challenged personally and spiritually in such an awesome way! It has been a year of growth in the most unexpected way and it has been so good for me personally. And I found some awesome friends and leaders  in the process (Love you Pastor Sid and Heather!)

I am not the same person I was a year ago. Praise God! And as scared as I was going into this change, I'm so excited to be here now! God knows exactly what he is doing and his timing is always perfect, even if it scares us! We just have to be patient and trust him in the process!

The Power of the Gospel

I took the kids to see The Star at the theater today. They all really enjoyed it. I'm always a little hesitant to see movies that take a Bible story and remake it for the sake of entertainment. I'm a little leary of what changes have to be made and how it will alter how people view God and his plan, but this one was pretty good. The main thing I saw that wasn't Biblical (apart from the fact that there is an additional storyline about the animals looking for their purpose) was the wise men showing up at the manger, which is definitely not uncommon.

When the end of the movie was near and the sweet baby Jesus was born in that stable and laid in the manger, all the animals bowed down to give him the honor due to the Messiah. Even through the animation and goofy characters and talking animals, the power of the gospel message was clearly felt.

I was reminded how the Bible has power no other book has. How it's stories are not good motivational pieces, but life changing truth that carries through all time and all generations. Truth that even animation and an attempt to hold even the youngest child's attention cannot overshadow.

What a great way to go into the Christmas season! With a powerful reminder of the importance of the gift God gave. The gift of his son. The only gift perfect enough to provide a way for us to have relationship with God!

Praise God for his selfless gift!

Holiday Humbug

Consider yourself blessed if your Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations don't include a little bit of drama. The kind brought by misunderstandings and hurt feelings within the family you are at least somewhat obligated to see during these 6 weeks.

So here's my 2 cents...starting with 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 NLV

When you forgive this man, I forgive him, too. And when I forgive whatever needs to be forgiven, I do so with Christ's authority for your benefit so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes.

Holding grudges is stupid. Unforgiveness, even when deserved and justified, only hurts the holder of offenses. It doesn't get even or make things fair, it only hurts you more and more. It hinders your ability to enjoy life. It keeps you from many good things God has for you.

We forgive others for ourselves and not because they have earned it or even asked for forgiveness. We forgive so our eyes can be opened to not only what God has but the devil's schemes. We forgive so we can move forward and live in the glorious freedom only God gives. And even though it can be hard, forgiveness is worth the letting go.

We are able to forgive by God's power in us. Yes, it takes time to remind yourself you have forgiven them.  I've had to consciously pray for certain people multiple times a day to keep myself from picking back up the hurt and the offense I had chosen to forgive.

But freedom is worth it.

So, I encourage you to reach out in reconciliation and show grace and mercy even to those who don't ask for it or deserve it. As you have been forgiven by Jesus, offer forgiveness. Show love even if it isn't returned.

And if there is no reciprocation, you can walk away knowing you have done your part and the ball is in their court.

Romans 12:18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

5 Years

Seth is five years old today. There is just something about the number 5 that seems so old. Like my baby isn't a baby any more. He's getting so big so fast! I'm so proud of all he is learning at preschool both academically and socially.

But this morning on the way to work I found myself wiping years from my eyes. Not because I was overly emotional my baby is growing up, but because I was reminded of a time in my life when this looked like it would never be for me. When I feared we would never have children, that we would always be just the two of us. I clearly remember praying and hoping that I would be next, that my turn would come. I remember being passed up time and again. Sitting through baby showers, trying  to be happy for others when I  felt like I was dying inside. I remember feeling punished and overlooked by God.

And I remember the still small voice deep within that kept urging "just trust me." Even though my emotions were a wreck some of the time and it was probably one if the hardest times in my life, I chose to trust in a God that had never failed me before over the monthly disappointment and tendency to live in despair.

And once again God was true to his word. So I can't get through another birthday without taking time to give thanks to God for his perfect plan. For his supernatural provision and perfect timing.

And when I'm faced with what appears impossible, I am reminded that while I am waiting, God is working. And nothing is too hard for Him.

Miserable

Life is tough sometimes. There are family struggles, financial struggles, health struggles, and the list could go on. I can't even imagine living life without the hope and comfort that only God can give.

But there are plenty of people who try to get through it all alone. Who choose to depend on people, circumstances, jobs, relationships and are eventually let down by all of those. When they think it can't get worse, it does and they just keep going through the motions one moment at a time.

And then they blame God. The one they've refused to turn to. The one they don't need who they are convinced caused all of their unfortunate circumstances.

The truth of the matter is that we live in a world controlled by the evil one and bad stuff happens. God doesn't cause our misfortune but sometimes he allows it. Not to punish us for our poor choices, but to open our eyes to the fact we need him with every passing day. And many times we need an eye opener.

Because our hope, our trust, is misplaced.

I will never understand God's ways, but I know that more than anything else he wants a personal relationship with you. With me. Not a Jeanie-in-the-Bottle kind of relationship where we run to him to "grant our wish" when we want him to but a relationship that involves daily communication, the building of trust and dependence, the exchange of unconditional love. A relationship founded on a sacrificial act, the giving of Jesus for you, done without strings attached but in hopes that you would accept his love and reciprocate.

So if you are miserable, maybe just maybe you should run to God and not from him. Maybe you should place your fears, your stresses in his hands and learn to be loved and held like only he can while the storm passes over.

Selfish Regret

I've been serving God for 29 years. And do you want to know how many people I've led to Christ? How many I've prayed the "sinners prayer" with? 4, all within the last 6 years, and they all live in my house. That's one person about every 8 years. That's pathetic!

I could come up with all sorts of excuses and you may even agree that they are legitimate. I could also provide a list of people who I feel like I've impacted for the kingdom even if I wasn't the one to lead them to Christ and that would also be a reasonable justification for my failure in this respect.

But the bottom line is this. I regret many things about how I've lived for God and this is a huge one.

In the past year I've realized just how selfish I've been. How apathetic I've become to the condition of the souls I come in contact with every day. How I've been quick to boast of my busyness and lack of time for other people, and stating that God would understand and he sees my heart. But was I really doing all I could so fewer people would go to hell? Not even close.

But I've changed that, or rather God is changing that in me. With God's help and his leading I've started investing in some souls. Sunday Pastor Sid posed the question, "What's a soul worth to you?" An inconvenience? An awkward conversation? A meal? A tank of gas? A moment of your time?

Maybe some of you would see this as an easy way out, but God has been leading me to text or send Facebook messages to certain people asking if I can pray with them about something specific and sometimes inviting them to church. (As a side note winning a soul for Jesus is not the same as inviting someone to church. It would be a step in the right direction, but people need Jesus whether they ever step foot in your church or not.) These are generally people from my growing up years. And people are just pouring out their hearts to me. It's amazing! And I'm trying to share the hope of Jesus with them. I would definitely say I'm a better writer than talker (which is why I enjoy blogging) and God is using that for His Kingdom purposes.

So I'm learning to invest in people. Not because I'm so awesome and everyone needs to know what I know, but because we all need someone or several someones who will invest in us. And I'm so thankful for those who are investing in me, during this time in my life. It all comes full circle.

As I read through the Gospels, I see time after time when Jesus invested in people. He saw a need and was willing to go there. To get in the mud and trod through when necessary. So I'm learning to be selfless and I haven't regretted it for one second.

It's amazing to me that even though I spend some of my time investing in others, there is still time for my kids and husband. There is still time for the mundane daily tasks. Because just like with the feeding of the five thousand, God has a way of multiplying my time as it is used for his purposes. Praise God!!

So I'm moving forward, learning to listen to God better, growing in obedience, and living selflessly with no regrets.

Mighty To Save

There is one thing we all have in common. We are all sinners in need of a Savior. In my conversations lately I keep coming back to that. We all compare ourselves to each other and determine who needs a savior the most based on how we see ourselves and each other's sins and struggles. We rank sin based on whatever criteria we are comfortable with  and we classify people.

But God doesn't do that. We have all missed the mark, from the goodie goodie all the way to the "worst" murderer or rapist.

And we all need a Savior. A mighty Savior.

Because even if over time we get comfortable with the idea that Jesus saves, we should never discount the miracle of the saving power of Jesus. Not just anyone can save us from our sins, bridge the gap between the holiness of God and the sinfulness of man. Our sins required a perfect sacrifice. A spotless lamb.

And God planned for that mighty Savior from before the foundation of the world. No one else has the might, the ability to satisfy the payment required for our sin.

But Jesus was made mighty enough to save us. To bring us back to relationship with him. Praise God!!

Savior, he can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever author of salvation.
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Hopeless

I've had conversations with three separate people in the last couple of weeks and there is only word that would describe their current state: hopeless.

Their situations are each so dark with little opportunity for improvement or  change. Full of despair and gloom.

But God.

I listened carefully and tried to offer the only hope I know without sounding like a greeting card. I didn't want to sound cliche or spout out some well known scripture verse without validating their pain. Because even though I know there is no hope apart from Jesus, He is not a quick fix to any problem. A microwave solution.

But Jesus really is the only answer I know. Not because he changes the difficulty or makes it vanish at the snap of his fingers, but because he goes with us through the fire, in the valley. We are never alone.

So I shared from my heart, honestly, and I've been bringing them before God daily. I pray my concern was seen on the other end of the conversation. Because the last thing hurting people need is our fake compassion. They need to see Jesus' love through us.

And as unpleasant as it sounds, sometimes we have to go through really tough stuff before we can see our need for a savior. God can and does use these periods of hopelessness to draw us into his loving arms.

So God, see them in their hopelessness and offer them your love and the hope that only comes from you! And use whoever, whatever you can to meet them where they are!

Relationships

Had lunch with a friend today. A much needed, over due lunch. Reminded  me how important relationships are.

I don't have many close friends, less than 5. There are a few reasons for that. I'm pretty picky when it comes to friends. I've been misunderstood a few times and it keeps me careful with who I let get close. But when I do decide I can trust you (which tends to be more of a God given instinct than a test of time) I'm quickly very loyal and dive in completely.

I truly believe my few close friends are God given. They strengthen and encourage me and push me. We can disagree and discuss things and it only increases our respect and deepens our friendships. I love that! Our backgrounds are different which enables us to share different perspectives and stretch each other to be more like Jesus.

I'm so thankful for people who will invest themselves in me and allow me to do the same for them. I wouldn't want to do life without them. I'm so blessed!

Timing is Everything

Change is difficult. Moving forward is hard, especially when the way we've always done it is good. Obviously, that is an opinion often held by people who are comfortable with things as they were/are. An opinion that so very hard to overcome because comfortable is easy and change is often painful.

I'm learning that the timing of change is just as important as the change itself. Changing too fast or too early will alienate people. Changing too slow or late may mean we miss opportunities God has set for us.  It's such a delicate balance.

And it is so hard to be patient, looking for any sign or guidance from God as to when to move. Change is a process and we have to learn to be patient through that process, with ears and eyes wide open to hear or see where and when God is leading.

Lord, help us go when you say go and wait when you say not yet. Help us follow you in your perfect timing!

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

Stirring Hearts

I know I've said this more than once, especially lately, so if you feel like you've already heard this and I'm being redundant, feel free to skip on by. I'm seeing God's hand on hearts so clearly right now.  There are several people who God has opened up my eyes to kind of see what they are going through and I've begun to pray for them. When people talk, I listen and I'm hearing so much more than what they are saying (if that even makes sense). God's been leading my prayers very specifically for these people and it's pretty awesome!

The main thing I'm seeing is that people are looking and I'm not really sure they even know what they are looking for, but I feel like God is bringing them to a place where they can see their own condition. And my prayer more times than not has been, "God keep on stirring." As long as people are in a place of dissatisfaction, that's a good thing. It's when people think everything's fine that they are in a dangerous place. When they rely on their selves and are fooled into thinking they can handle it all, they don't see any need for God.

On a kind of unrelated note, I love that I have friends who God uses to stir me. Who share what God's been showing them and it just blows me away. I like to be challenged. I like to be forced to study or look something up, cause it's in those moments that I grow. I love that discussion and Im so grateful for those friendships!

God, keep stirring, keep drawing, keep pulling us and we will answer.

Nay Sayers

Had a bit of a discouraging day yesterday. Nothing I can't survive, but just reminded me that not everyone will be on board when you decide to follow God and let him move you forward. I was on cloud 9 and really excited spiritually and just heard some things and it let me down.

As someone who doesn't naturally love change, I kinda get it. Change is uncomfortable and if it ain't broke, why do we need to fix it? The problem comes when we dictate what God wants by what is comfortable for us. I know that sometimes we can determine what God's will is by whether we have peace in our hearts, but we can't mistake easiness or comfortableness in our circumstance for peace. Even if God is moving us in a certain direction, there can very well be an uneasiness. It could be a distraction from the enemy or a check that reminds us to remain focused and move forward with caution.

I've said this before and will say it again. You can't keep doing things the same with the same methods and the same programs and the same tactics and expect a different result. That's insanity!

Anyways, so as I was trying to not be frustrated and angry, I was reminded of a song.

Who can stop the Lord Almighty? Who can stop the Lord Almighty?

No one. Not even well intentioned naysayers.

God help us to follow you, knowing there will be opposition, even from those close to us.

Selfless Sowing

A couple of weeks ago I got the opportunity to preach in our afternoon church service. My message was called Becoming Less (it's available on the Radiant Life Church website if anyone is interested).

One of the benefits of learning to let God become more and making yourself become​ less is a harvest. A harvest that is only available if the seed dies in the process. God requires selfless sowing for an abundant harvest.

One of the points I made and want to share here is that often times, we sow seed selfishly. Put another way, we are willing to obey God's direction as long as it benefits the harvest that is closest to our hearts. The example I gave was our kids. We seek God's face for them. We are willing to be inconvenienced for them. We obey as it relates to God ministering to them. But when God wants us to sow ourselves into people we don't know, souls that we've never asked God for, we are less than eager to obey. Because those seeds aren't as important to us as our kids.

It is natural for us to do everything we can for our kids, to show them how to serve God, to try and model what that looks like. To spend ourselves for them. To intercede with sobbing emotion and sincerity. Because nothing would make us happier that seeing God work in their hearts. The problem comes when God opens opportunity not related to our desires (other than by God's urging) and we are hesitant or refuse to make the most of them because we are too busy watching over the seed so close to us.

God has promised to watch over his word, to take care of us and our families if we will take care of his business. So we have to become less and sow selflessly with as much vigor as we sow into our kids.

This week I failed my kids. I overreacted and all I could think about was how I messed it all up and how useless I felt. If I can't even do my normal every day task, be light to my kids, how could I ever do anything else? And almost immediately one of the "opportunities" I've been praying about opened up again.

God has been using me to build relationship and share his love with more than one individual who used to know God and have strayed away from him. Who have lost hope or gotten busy and forgotten how much they need him. I've always felt like the most effective witness is within one on one relationships and not by merely handing out invitations or door to door solicitation. There is a place for that, but it's when people know you and prove you are real, then they can trust you and you can share hope with them. Anyways, I've been praying for opportunities and offering a listening ear as God has directed and people have actually taken me up on my offer.

So I was upset with my humanness and one of them sent me a message/text. And God said "take care of my stuff and I'll take care of your stuff."
Yes, sir. I get it.

I feel very strongly that God is stirring the hearts of people who've walked away from him. Reminding them of his love for them. Step number one is realizing you aren't where you should be. And I keep praying "God, keep stirring!! Keep drawing and let us be available to help guide them when you draw them back."

Hands and Feet

Today's blog is brought to you by a throwback to an oldish song. Just old enough to not be cool any more but not old enough to be retro. I think it came out in the early 2000s.

"I wanna be your hands. I wanna be your feet. I'll go where you send me. Go where you send me."

I was sitting in line at Sonic this morning. I was greated by the voice of an employee who was either really tired or had already had a bad morning. It was easily detected in her voice and written on her face. After I got my breakfast, I made an effort to smile real nicely at her and tell her to have a great day!

And I started singing this song.

And realized the chorus itself sure places a lot of emphasis on people being God's hands and feet in missions. Being willing to go to far away places and be Jesus to people who need that, but nothing (at least not in the chorus) about being his hands and feet right where you are. Jesus hasn't called all of us to go to other countries, but he sure has called us all to represent him right where we are. To hug the ones He wants to hug, to pray for the person in the next office, and to be a light in the darkness that surrounds our daily existence.

I'm not at all putting down missions. We support many missionaries and missions trips all the time when asked, because that is also a part of what God has called us to do. But that isn't all. Yes, Mark 16:15, the most quoted missions verse, tells us to go into all the world, but your neighborhood is a part of the world too. Your work place needs some light. Your kids' school needs some light. Your grocery store needs some light. Your Walmart needs some light. (Can I get an amen?)

So get out of what is comfortable, move past that, to the place where you are aware of the people around you. The place where you notice needs. Where you show Jesus-like compassion to the hurting. Where you become a friend of the friendless. Where you are a living breathing representation of Jesus everywhere you go. And not just when you get off of an airplane in another country.

Not Disappointed

And HOPE does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts.  Romans 5:5

Ever wanted something so badly only to be disappointed when t didn't appear as you thought it would? For me, this has often led to choosing not to hope. Not to strive for something that isn't attainable. Not to keep putting myself out there with the fear of failure and disappointment staring me in the face.

But God is changing me. In the past 6 months I have had more opportunity to obey God at the risk of looking foolish than probably ever before in my life. I've been contacting people God has laid on my heart, sharing things he's showed me with people as he's led and just opened myself up. I don't know if that makes more real or maybe just more aware of people around me and not so self centered. Maybe just seeing things through God's eyes more.

And I have seen no results really from any of that. But this time, I don't feel "weary in well doing" or discouraged. I think my focused has changed. I feel like I'm a part of something bigger and not so focused on immediate or short term goals. I still have hope because my hope is not in visible results but in the love God has for me and those he has allowed me to minister to. Because of his love, he will keep pursuing those who need him, he will keep speaking to them, and drawing them to himself. Sometimes he'll use me, sometimes others, but he will accomplish his purpose.

And He will not disappoint so I won't be disappointed.

Full Class

Let me start by saying my heart is happy and it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God.

Bj and I have been teaching the college career Sunday School class for something like 7 or 8 years. I originally took this class as a total act of obedience to God, a step of faith that was a very big risk personally. Something I didn't really want to do because I knew it would be difficult.

Right after high school is the time in your life where you decide (for yourself and not just to please your parents) if you will really serve God or not. And honestly, this is the time where we lose a lot of people raised in church who decide to do their own thing.

So knowing the importance of teaching Gods word and connecting with this specific group of people, I've prayed for them a lot and honestly not seen much for results. Our class size has fluctuated a lot, depending on if that particular group of kids were ready to go all in for God or wanted to go make their own way. But right now, I feel like the group we have is all in. The class has been great the last few weeks (I had 4 promote up in August). I feel like they are catching the vision for the future of the church and are willing to do what it takes.

Honestly, I believe this is the group that will usher in the growth God wants to bring. That doesn't mean the rest of us don't have a part (goodness, we all have to work together) but the church as a whole has got to stop losing kids when they leave home and start investing in them so they can be the young families of the future. We have to provide every opportunity for them to know they are important but more than that, to have a real encounter with God that will change them and affirm for them that serving God is worth it and He has a plan for them, bigger than their wildest dreams.

All that to say, my class is full and I feel like I'm finally getting a peek at part of the harvest of those years of prayer and tears. God is so faithful and I'm honored to be a part of what God is going to do next!

Two Weeks

Seth has finished his second week of PreK and he is doing so well!! Because we are blessed to have grandparents close who watch the littles while we work, there wasn't a necessity for Seth to go to PreK, but I knew that I wanted him to have some sense of structure and classroom behavior and expectations before he got to kindergarten.

In March, I got him on a waiting list for a local PreK/Mother's Day Out program and the waiting began. In the meantime, I got all the big kids ready for school and just figured if he got in for at least one semester, he'd be good. After the big kids started school and less than a week before the program started, we got a call telling us they had a spot for him in the Pre K 5 class at Walnut Ridge Baptist Church. And I started getting worried for him.

Besides a once a week half day program he's done with my mom, Seth has never really been in a program with other kids where he wasn't the center of the universe. He throws fits for me when he doesn't get his way. He plays really rough with his siblings (thanks to a big brother). I was just praying he wouldn't get kicked out. He's super smart, but I really felt like he needed this more for the social/structure side than the educational piece.

I expressed my concerns to his teacher when I dropped off the paperwork and she assured me he'd be fine. It may take some time to adjust, but most kids from similar situations fit in rather quickly. At meet the teacher, he wouldn't cooperated or even really meet Mrs. Vickie. It didn't help that the visit started with him running into another of his teachers. He didn't expect her to be there (as a parent) and he just spiraled downward after that, hiding in the corner, escaping from the room, acting angry. My mom later got him to express that he was nervous and just didn't know how to express himself. We came up with a plan for the first day that he could tell me if he was nervous, we would ask God to help him, and then he would go to class. And that's pretty much exactly what happened.

No tears, no fighting, and not getting angry. He went into his class like a pro. I did pray for him when he felt nervous and then said my goodbyes. We were both fine until I pull out of the parking lot. I shed a few tears (how could he possibly be this old already?), distracted myself and waited anxiously to hear about his first day.

He did awesome and has pretty much been that way every day since. He loves school and has already learned so much. He is just a sponge at this age and loves it all. The highlight of his second week was getting invited to the birthday party for one of his classmates. He has gradually eaten more and more of his lunch (also something I was concerned about), has earned several super stars for good behavior, and was sad that he didn't have school yesterday (it's only Tuesday through Thursday).

The things he has has learned in only 2 weeks, 6 days really, blows my mind. I told him if he keeps learning so much so fast, he would be smarter than me soon. He smiled at the possibility.

I'm so glad I made the effort to get him in a program this year. I almost didn't (goodness I don't need another thing to keep up with). The whole experience makes me look forward to kindergarten for him next year.

I pulled out the easy reader books yesterday and we've started reading more with him. The big kids were nostalgic when they saw the books come out, and remember most of them, claiming certain ones as favorites. I love that my big kids finally have "when I was younger" memories that include us. Things have come full circle.

Settled

So the kids are 2.5 weeks into the school year and they are all doing well. I know that school starts this way every year, but this time, I feel like a different parent. Like I have learned how to be helpful instead of frustrated. Like they have really turned a corner and are taking responsibility for themselves and stepping up in a lot of ways. Yes, I remind them according to the general emails the teachers send and what i see in their grades online, but I hope they feel like I'm being helpful and not the incessant nag.

And so far, I'm doing okay at focusing on the positive and encouraging them (or I feel like I am) and it seems to be helping a lot. I know stressful times will come, but I also am so proud of them all for doing great at something none of them enjoy.

I'm in a weird place as a parent where my more difficult children are the little ones. I honestly never thought his day would come. Because these last five years have definitely had a lot of struggles. Some expected and "normal" for their ages and some totally from left field. And it has been a rollercoaster. Normally I'd love that in the physical sense, but this one, goodness it's been crazy.

But in the big scheme of things I was reminded this week how blessed we are. The kids adjustment and connection to us could have been so much worse. When you are in the process of getting licensed to adopt, you hear all sorts of horror stories. I'm sure you've all seen or heard about an adoption gone terribly wrong. And you pray that isn't what you are opening yourself to when you obey God voice and choose adoption for your family, but you ultimately place that all in God's hands and trust him to place the kids with you that he has planned. Oh, it's definitely a scary place where it is a lot out of your control, and you can't see the end from the beginning, but God always knows what he's doing.

Today I was asked if there was anything I needed prayer for, and honestly, I answered no. I feel very settled and good right now. Like my focus is rightly placed. Things are going well right now. There are things I'm trusting God for that I don't yet see, but I'm choosing to not be worried about it.

Today at church, Pastor briefly mentioned that in our successes we are tempted most to become self sufficient and stop depending on God as we should, so I'm very intentional to not let that happen this time. I also know, the mountain doesn't last long before the devil is on my heels again. But for now I will be grateful for this time of being settled and gaining strength as I sit at the Masters feet before the next battle begins.

It is Well

Tonight I have the song It is Well by Bethel going over and over in my head.  Love the song. Apart from the rhythm of the verse being complex (which I love but would make it difficult to teach to someone who doesn't understand written music) the lyrics just stick with you. Repeating in your soul (or at least mine) until you are convinced that it is well.

And I am reminded, that contrary to popular opinion and I suppose what unbelievers would think, being well has nothing to do with your circumstances being worked out and everything going the way you'd expect it. Nope.

Being well is a state of total dependence on the one who has the whole world in his hands and has orchestrated every aspect of your life. Its a vision shift from yourself to your provider and Father. From worrying about the what ifs to being okay not knowing the future because you trust the one who does know the end from the beginning.

It's a declaration of faith that even when you don't feel well, when it doesn't look well, you are well because He is your portion. And nothing is impossible for him.

Getting to the place of being well is a two stepper....let go and trust Him.

Letting go is so much easier said than done. It's admitting your efforts are faulty because you are faulty. It's giving up that control and laying it all on the altar. It's not picking up those burdens again. And trusting, fully trusting in the one who has power to calm the wind and waves. Who can make something from nothing and yet holds your heart, your dreams in his hands. The one who will watch over his promises until they are fulfilled in your life. Whose ways are higher and greater than yours.

So tonight I choose to let go and trust God. It is well with my soul.

Loss For Gain

If I give what I have,
I know you'll give me something better.
Why is it so hard for me to give so that I can receive?
If I give what I have,
I believe that you'll reward me.
Help me to accept my loss for your gain.

I think my life's falling apart.
But maybe it's falling in line with your plan.

About 20 years ago I wrote this song. What I felt was my purpose, my ministry was being shut down. It was a long battle, but I survived and I'm stronger for it. And God provided something better to replace what I was so hesitant to let go of.

And this is the song God used to bring peace last night.To remind me it's gonna be amazing and worth holding on to him through the transition.

What I Can't Say

I use my blog to vent, to process, to release, to cope. I wish that I could fully disclose all the details of my struggles, but I am aware that I have to be careful not to betray confidence or stir up drama. You wouldn't believe the number of times I read and reread my blog before posting for this very reason. Because I want to help others, but the details aren't really necessary or helpful sometimes.

Last Sunday, we had a youth led service and I so enjoyed the worship. I got to just be me in his presence. Not performing, not leading or directing, but just worshipping from the depths of who I am. In his presence in worship is my happy place. It made me miss my sister. How we used to lead worship together. Playing and singing with musicians and singers so comfortable I didn't worry about songs as our heart were united and it just flowed.

I knew I was a little mentally, emotionally off this week but just couldn't put my finger on it. Tonight I think I finally was able to identify it. My spirit is broken. Like a part of me is uneasy, in transition, and I just am not comfortable with how things are. And I've kind of been here for a while. I feel kinda lost and lonely.

Like there is something amazingly awesome on the other side of this battle if I can just get to it. I'm not depressed or even super stressed, but just in transition, unsettled.

I'm aware that was is must cease in order for whatever is to come to make it's entrance, but that is much easier to do when you know what is behind the next door. Like I need to lock the door behind me without knowing what I'm stepping into. (Yes, I'm fully aware that is what God is requiring of me. I just don't like that too much.)

Over the years, I feel like I've been faithful in where God has put me. And yet, this new chapter doesn't fullfil me in way the previous ones have. Maybe because I've become comfortable and self reliant. Maybe because it's not all pretty and tied up with a bow. Most definitely because God is drawing me closer!

I'm insecure here. And yet it is where God is calling me. I can't really identify the where except to say it isn't where I used to be, and it isn't comfortable.

But I trust God. Not to tell me everything and satisfy my rational mind, but to change me to be what is needed today. And I will cling more closely to his side, because it's scary here and I'm just a little unsure.

Gearing Up

School and I have a love hate relationship. I personally love learning and love helping with homework, but I hate the pressure school puts on my kids. I hate that a lot of the time schoolwork is an argument we have. That I can't do it all for them or make it easier for them.

Every year I try really hard to have no expectations. So I won't be disappointed when they aren't met. And historically, when I take a breath and feel like things are going okay (which is a big accomplishment), I get hit in the chest with reality. Whether by a call from a teacher or the first parent teacher conference or an IEP/ARD meeting (I hate these!)

So this year I am giving myself goals and expectations that I control rather than placing that on my kids (which is just normal for me, even when I intentionally don't). Goals about how I react and how I help or motivate them.

Originally I decided I would try to focus on the positive. Give a lot of positive reinforcement and not even mention the negative unless they ask for help on that end. And I realized I have problems with that because I often don't even see the positive. So my prayer has changed to "God, help me see the good you see. Help me see them as you do." Cause I've realized I can't comment on what I don't see.

For fear that I am praising them when they are being irresponsible behind my back or when I don't have all the facts, I've been hesitant to praise. (And the fact that I'm not just a natural encourager.) But God has convinced me, that even if they are doing other things I don't want to encourage behind my back and even if it appears that I am being manipulated to others looking in and judging my parenting choices, I have to choose to see past that and praise the good. Even if I look a fool. Even if they are manipulating me. That is all on them and I can only control me. And I  don't want any regrets, but  want to know I'm parenting  how God has showed me. And I'll take the other stuff to God and let him have those things.

God knows I can't do this by myself, so he'll have to give grace a lot and provide strength and help me as I move forward on to the next school year.

30 Blogs Day 9 - What Makes You Different Than Everyone Else

"I am me and you are you.
I don't stand and walk like you.
I don't even talk like you.
God made one of us not two."

When I was a young child, I remember my mom read this poem to my sister and I. We have recently tried to find it so I could read the rest of it again, but can't seem to locate it.

You could say that my whole life I've compared myself to others. Always competing. Often not satisfied. Sometimes it left me feeling better about myself but more times worse. I would not recommend the game of comparison to anyone. There is never a winner.

I say all of that because I've learned there are a lot of things that make me different than others. Some good. Some bad. All different.

When I saw this blog topic, the first surface level difference I thought of was the fact I am a mother of five (in a world filled with smaller families) and the fact that I have a mix of adopted/chosen and biological/birth children. I'm not looking for accolades (and God knows I've messed that up more than I've gotten it right), but view this part of who I am as God's well orchestrated plan, filled with great precision and articulation. Not because of me, but all because of him.

I play multiple instruments and sing. My whole family does actually. Trust me when I say it's just a God  thing and family trait/gifting. None of us have really studied music or practiced much, it's just who we are. At one point, my dad led worship, mom played bass guitar, sister played drums, and I played piano in our church worship team. My kids just learned (relearned) that both Bj and I were in Christian bands growing up. They think it's cool. It embarrasses my kinda. Not really sure why.

I have bad skin/acne and have never out grown it. I had the best skin of my life when I was pregnant. I'm not allergic to anything. Its not food based. Nothing really gets rid of it. It's just genetic and a part of who I am. I'm still amazed when people offer easy fixes like I haven't been dealing with this my whole life (well 25 years at least). This is just what I get. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, but if you want to start talking about physical traits or beauty, you'll see me withdraw from conversation. (It's why I sometimes avoid pictures with groups of people I'm not totally comfortable with.) I can be pretty self conscious about it. I tend to think people don't see it any more (I don't really) and then someone says something. It's probably the only physical thing about myself I would change if given a choice.

I've been serving God for 29 years and have never stopped. I am finding there are fewer and fewer of us who were saved at an early age and didn't at some point leave Christianity and return. All glory to God! I've never known any different and I'm glad.

My husband, BJ, is the only guy I ever dated, my first real kiss. We met on the internet before dating sites were a thing. I was 16 and he was 19 and we learned we knew common people. We first met in person at one of my bands concerts in 1999 and the rest is history.

I've only had 2 jobs, ever. One was daycare in college and I just celebrated 15 years at S&A (a CPA firm.)

I love to memorize scripture. I did Bible Quiz for 6 seasons in high school which included memorizing 15 books of the New testament. I love to prove I can learn/memorize anything. I remember facts and figures, usually about people's favorites and birthdays. I love a mental challenge. It invigorates me!

God made us each with differences. In personality. In appearance. And the mix of all of those character and other traits are intentionally designed for a specific purpose God has for us. None of what we feel makes us different is on accident or without reason. Even the things we dislike about ourselves is a piece of the puzzle of our lives that God chooses to use for his glory.

Opportunity Roars

Last Sunday we were having lunch at Cicis Pizza. It was Pastor Sid's idea and I was in no mental state to object. See, BJ worked last Sunday. My Sundays are normally busy just keeping up with my responsibilities, but with Bj gone, a few of his tasks got delegated out, but some of them fell to me. Now, I'm not sure anyone even realized that I was picking up some of his jobs on top of mine, but if nothing else, my mental capacity was maxed out just keeping up with the little things. So if someone else would suggest a lunch place and I didn't have to decide or put in my two cents, I was all over that.

We got to Cicis and I pulled into an empty spot. As soon as I parked, the lady in the car next to me threw her door open into mine, leaving a mark. We both got out, I got insurance info and a name and phone number in case I needed it. She simply didn't realize we had pulled in after her. After looking it over her husband offered to buff it out if I wanted to rather than going through insurance and all. I had some men look it over and decided that was probably a good option. There isn't even a dent that we can see.

Recently whenever I have an encounter with someone new, God's been bringing them to my mind and I've prayed for them from time to time. Not really knowing anything about them, but just praying for their souls and that if I needed to minister to them that God would open up the door for that.

On Monday night I texted her to set up when we could get the car fixed. I felt prompted to invite her to church, so I did. That's not usually my thing, especially since I hate when people steal people from churches. But it's become so much not my thing that God really has to convince me to even mention it. Her immediate response was that they had been looking for a church and would consider it. Praise God!

I wish I could say they will be visiting RLC tomorrow, but I have no idea if that's the case. But I do know it was a divine appointment for God's plan and he will work out the rest, even if it means I never see anything else from that.

They are coming to our house tomorrow after church to fix the car, so I'm praying for easy conversation and more opportunity to show God's love to them.

The opportunities are coming more often and for that I'm grateful! And I'm learning to keep planting seeds even if I'm not the one to bring in the harvest. If you never plant seed you are limiting your harvest and being selfish. If you want to reap generously you have to sow generously and not only when you gain personal benefit.

Thy kingdom come, they will be done in my life and RLC!

Memorial Songs

Remember when the Isrealites crossed the Jordan River? Joshua had one man from each tribe pick up a stone from the middle of the river and they built a memorial. As a reminder of what God had brought them through.

I feel like in my life, instead of stones, there are certain songs that remind me of a battle/struggle I had to face and overcome or a shifting from one chapter to another. Memorial songs.

The song that keeps showing up kind of unexpectedly right now is "Forever" By: Kari Jobe. It is traditionally sung around easter, and it isn't really the meaning or lyrics that has made it a Memorial, but the song itself.

Easter Sunday I was pushed to lead this song at church. It has too big of a range for me to sing comfortably (Kari can sing!!) and I really didn't want to sing it, let alone lead it. But I did it anyways.

Looking back for me, that was a turning point. In how I push myself toward uncomfortable obedience. Toward letting my worship truly be raw and from the heart. Toward being confident enough to try new things that may be accepted or rejected and being okay with that. Before that point I was too scared of failure to try anything different. In worship. In singing. In leading others. But I did it and God used it for his glory.

And I remember that all when I hear that song.

For God to truly have his way in our lives, we have to be okay with the uncomfortable. Often, we pray for favor and ease in our obedience. But it isn't easy obedience that's build character, it's facing the lions that come our way and not running from them scared. If our goal is really God's will and pleasure in our lives, our prayers are misplaced when we ask for comfort and ease and a "fix it" for our problems. Instead, we should pray for God's will and his glory, which most certainly does not mean an easy way out for us. But he's worth it. So worth it.

30 Blogs - Day 8 A Picture of you with your Family

I thought it might be fun to take a trip down memory lane with this one...

Pre Kids

First Family Picture 2011

2011

2012

2013

2014

Fall 2015 - Seth in typical fashion

Summer 2017 (Now)

Opportunity?

So I'm just coming off of a not so good confrontation. There were misunderstandings and hurt feelings and miscommunication really. It seems to be the story of my life when faced with an unpleasant issue that needs to be addressed. To say I am less than confident in my ability to effectively communicate would be an overstatement. Things never come out how I plan them to. My clear rational thought get mangled with my feelings and I come across as weak rather than strong and driven by a goal that would be mutually beneficial.

So God thought this was the perfect time for me to be a facilitator of open communication in a different setting and situation all together with different people. I was given this role because it is thought that I'm the best in the group for this position. I'll admit, after the fact, and given time to articulate myself and think through things, I do okay. It's in the moment that I don't do as well. So God is pushing me into this. I really don't want to. I really hate failing and this is where I fail a lot.

This is not the first time I've had to do something I didn't want to do (I know you are shocked!) And I know that if I can learn how to better communicate, especially in high stress times, it will lower my stress and help me in the long run. I won't be held back by my insecurity in this area if I can succeed (with a lot of help from God and the practice I hope to gain.) I have to rely on the fact that God's ways are not my ways. That he knows what's coming down the pipe. That he's preparing me for whatever that is.

So opportunity, here I come...

"God given opportunities often come disguised as man-eating lions. And how we react when we encounter those lions will determine our destiny." 

                                ~Mark Batterson, In A Pit With A Lion on a Snowy Day

Cheerleader

Everyone needs a cheerleader or two. Someone who will come along and tell you to go for it, that you can do it, that it's okay, or will be okay. Someone who sees your value and encourages you to obey God, especially when his instructions don't make sense (that would be always Isaiah 55:8) and you are having doubts.

Some of my best cheerleaders over the years (and much more recently) have been authors and their books. Now I would never say that God's word comes second to a good book, but I definitely believe there is room for both. I'm not talking about good positive thinking books, but books that God uses to speak to us. It can be like having an in-depth heart to heart conversation with a fellow believer.

I've been reading a lot this year and more of the nonfiction variety than before. Leadership books. Parenting books. Books about grace and discipleship. Books about relationships and marriage. And I've been so encouraged by them. They push me to get in God's word, to obey God quickly and intentionally, to follow His ways.

So if you aren't reading to push yourself, to explore God's best for you, you are missing out. And maybe missing that little push you need to go to the next level in your Christian walk.

Grieving and Waiting

This week, I've read The Road To Becoming by Jenny Simmons. She was the lead singer for Addison Road until the band disbanded in 2011. Great read for someone who feels like they are in a waiting pattern and not quite sure where to turn next. The chapters are short and it's a quick read. I would highly recommend it.

There are a couple of things God showed me through the book that I'd like to share.

Sometimes you need to grieve what you feel is lost. It's okay to grieve! You can't move to the now if you're holding on to what was, hoping, praying it will come to life. For me it isn't something or someone physical. It's an expectation, a dream I had for my life. And I realize that when I feel like I am a failure, I'm comparing my now with what I expected for myself. And it isn't fair to myself or my family.

Grieving doesn't mean giving up. But it does mean letting things from the past go and not living to fulfill them or continually being upset that things aren't as you dreamed. I have to learn to become who God has for me to become in the here and now, and I can't do that if I'm holding on to the unrealistic expectation I set for me. And I can't move forward while I'm holding on to the past.

Grieving or letting go in order to move on is much easier when there is something to move on to. When there is a hope and a future to strive for. To pursue. But grieving in order to wait on what's next. That's harder than anything I've ever done.

Waiting...not my strength for sure.

I often feel like my life has been a cycle of much more waiting than doing. Waiting for a husband. Waiting to finish school. Waiting for God to give us children. Waiting for an adoption match. Waiting for birth children. Waiting for the adoption to be finalized. (All of which was in God's perfect timing, but late according to my plans). And now waiting again to see God's promises fulfilled in my kids. And waiting for open doors and the next step for me personally.

Jenny says it well.

During seasons of waiting, dreams are growing up...Waiting stands in stark contrast to the spirit of accomplishment and forward progress. It requires restraint and discipline. It calls for uncanny patience, trust and hope. Hope that you can wait patiently and not in vain.

Letting new dreams grow  and fully develop might mean you have to waste time in order to fully grow, fully become.

Goodness, we speak the same language (Jenny and I). Waiting most definitely feels like wasting time a lot for me. But just like grieving and letting go, waiting is necessary.

So here I am...learning to let myself grieve for what could've been and wait for what's coming. And as much as I hate it, my flesh cringes as the thought, it is what I needed to hear right now. In this season of becoming.

Cause I will find my strength, in the shadow of his wings, as I learn to wait there.

Again

Let me start by saying that anyone who ever told you living for God was easy must not be really striving to make choices that please God, to live according to his standards, to do anything more than attend church to feel better about themselves.

The closer to God I get the more I see my sinful state. The more I struggle with my flesh and sinful tendencies. Because I am learning more each day how much I need his grace and mercy and how I cannot ever be good enough. Cannot learn or practice anything that will make me worthy of his goodness.

I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually tired. And here I am going around the same mountain again. You know we all have that one lesson we just can't seem to learn, that test we can't seem to pass because we keep getting in our own way.

For me it's about control. Of the future. Of my kids. Of my situation. And I worry.

And God just keeps speaking to me through different sources that I can trust him. Really trust with all of it.

"If I worry I'm not trusting him to be my Abba Father and take care of me."

"When we like things to work a certain way - and when that doesn't happen we give into fear. Fear is faith in the enemy."

None of this is anything new to me but I don't know how to practically apply it. That's where I try to depend on myself. To change me and how I deal with the lack of control.

I gripe and lecture. And it gets me more frustrated because it makes no difference. I try saying nothing. And it leaves me feeling like I'm not doing enough, I'm letting them run over me.

I struggle with showing love and acceptance when I'm really just frustrated because I'm being ignored and disobeyed. Every conversation turns into a gripe, so I just avoid conversation. It keeps the peace I my house, but not in my heart.

"Oh for grace to trust Him more."

My point is that by the grace of God alone can I identify my fear/worry, give it to Jesus (not picking it back up) and truly trust him to handle it. Trusting God is not something I can muster up or learn. The ability to trust God is a gift that only he can provide by his grace. My inability to trust him fully means im not leaning on his grace enough. And that is something I have to daily ask for help with from Him.

Cause I really want to pass this test. I'm so over going around this mountain.

30 Blogs - Day 7 A Letter to Someone who has Hurt You Recently

Dear Person:

Let me start by saying I love you. Really, I do. I know that you probably don't even know that you hurt me. Or maybe you do. It doesn't really matter at this point. Every time I think I'm okay, I see you and know I am not. I'm more healed than I was originally, but still need some closure. I am still frustrated and feel like this is all so unfair. But I don't really know what I would've done differently. Not sure it would have mattered.

I wish that you would've taken the time to hear what I was saying and not distort it to hear what you wanted. I wish you didn't misunderstand me. I wish this didn't have to happen. I wish you didn't think it was necessary to tell others what you thought I said or meant. It was all your perspective which I feel was pretty tainted. And opinions should never be spoken as truth. They only cause more hurt.

I know that you were in a bad place. That your emotions were controlling your words (mine too) and that you were unable to think or see anything from a place other than your own. That you didn't understand what I was saying. That you were scared.

I'm sorry if you felt attacked. Please forgive me. That was not my goal at all. I'm sorry if I said things that hurt you and made you feel less valuable than you are. Your value comes from your creator. You are more than what you do or accomplish. You are more than words people say about you. You are more than what you think about yourself . You are His and you are priceless! I pray that if you haven't discovered this truth that you will find it in His loving arms.

And I forgive you, even if you don't feel you need to be forgiven. I pray that God will continue to bless you and use you. That you can find some comfort in his presence and that you will deal with previous issues that have clouded your ability to see things for what they really are.

Months before the offense, God laid you on my heart and I prayed for you daily. I believe that is why this hasn't crushed me but I have been able to move on mostly. I pray you are able to do the same.

I know that God's word doesn't change and his promises are still valid in both of our lives, so I pray we are able to move forward for His kingdom sake.

~Sandra

This is Only a Test

Just finished reading The Blessed Life by Robert Morris. Amazing book I would recommend if anyone's looking for a heart change!

I wanted to share one thing that stuck out to me (that was kind of a side note and not his main point at all. I find God speaks to me through sidelines more often than main points.)

God gives us responsibility in the area of our weakness not to set us up for failure but so we can overcome it and succeed. He isn't punishing or chastising us, but pushing us forward to the success he sees in us.

The example he used was Judas. Jesus is the one who put Judas in the position to be in charge of the money box, knowing he was selfish, knowing he had tendencies to be dishonest (especially with money). But Jesus was giving him opportunity to change, to grow, to go to the next level.

For me, my weaknesses are choosing apathy rather compassion, and frustration when things/people aren't like me or don't do things like I would rather than patience and understanding. So God made me the mother of kids who need compassion and patience, maybe more than others. And kids who are so much different than I am. Their strengths include compassion and caring for others, where I definitely struggle.  Goodness, I fail a lot! But God is giving me the opportunity to succeed in this area and pass this test. There is no way I can do this on my own, but knowing God believes in me (and since he is my source) gives me hope.

I've said before that I needed those kids in my life as much, if not more, than they needed me.  So with a new perspective, I'll keep striving to be more like Jesus and let him change me to be who he needs me to be.

King of Distractions

Distraction- something that takes your full focus and energy from the primary thing. An outside force that steals your attention and devotion.

The opposite of attraction. Attraction draws you close. Distraction draws you away.

Distractions can be bad things, sinful things, or they can be good things, even spiritual things that should not be the primary focus.

And how sneaky it is of the devil to use good, spiritual things to distract us from God's will and purpose for now. The Bible tells us to not be ignorant of his schemes. And he is definitely a schemer. Think about it! Obvious sinful temptations won't be appealing to someone who has served God for some time. And that is definitely who the devil's primary focus is. Because if he can get people viewed as spiritual leaders in the church to shift focus, to entertain a distraction, those who are watching will likely follow and his impact will be greater.

We must serve God with our eyes wide open and be constantly in the Bible, seeking the scriptures to know God better, to understand his heart more. There is no spiritual plateau that can be attained that makes us exempt from the devil's attacks or our mandate to be in His word. We will never reach the level of perfect knowledge and understanding of God. Never!

Overtime, we inadvertantly let our experiences dictate what we understand about God and his word. We have to keep going back with our eyes/minds open for God to show himself, to show his ways and not open God's word with our understanding set. We need fresh eyes so He is free to show us what he wants.

And even what spiritual leaders teach or show us needs to be revisited against God's word. Because we trust our spiritual leaders, rightly so, but even their teaching is tainted by their experiences. God is the only one who has perfect understanding. All human vessels have flaws, not intentionally misleading, but we are taught from what they understand.

I'm guilty! Especially familiar passages we tend to glaze over, but I challenge you. Ask God to give you fresh eyes to take his word as it is written and show you his intentions, his ways. You will be amazed!

And pray with me for Satan's distractions to be exposed so we can draw closer to God together and see His Kingdom, not man's ideas, advanced!

Surprise!!

I have know BJ longer than I haven't. We've been together since 1999. He is definitely the romantic one of us. I'm just too busy and/or practical to be romantic. Or maybe it's the fact that romanticism is determined by how it is received and he isn't the most expressive person.

Today he surprised me more than any other time I can remember. Next week our kiddos are on vacation with his mom. I'm looking forward to being childless. It just doesn't happen that often. He's off on Friday so we thought about going to a movie or something to take advantage of no kids.

Well today I got a card at work from BJ. In it was included an invitation to an overnight getaway. He booked a hotel and planned our evening and morning events without me having any idea. And the whole thing gave me butterflies and just made me feel so cherished. I was just trying to be easy, while he was being thoughtful.

My favorite kind of getaways are those I don't have to plan for that involve a lot of relax time. My favorite part of the plans is the part that says "sleep in." He and I both know I will probably stay up late or get up early and read/blog but that whole point is that I get to dictate when that happens and not the kids.

Best surprise ever! God sure gave me a keeper when he gave me BJ!

30 Blogs Day 6

Day 6 is supposed to be my favorite superhero and why. I've seen many superhero movies but am not into superheroes,so I've opted to revisit a previous day that gave me two options.  The option I didn't select from day 4 is something I'm looking forward to.

This one is kind of hard for me because I'm always planning and thinking ahead and hoping things turn out as I anticipated. So, with that in mind, there are a few things I'm looking forward to:

1. Kids 1, 2, and 3 graduating school. It's not that I want them to grow up faster than it already feels like, but at least today, I want that struggle to be over for them. Obviously, I'd love for them to succeed and feel successful in an academic setting, but there are moments ,the realist in me just wants that to be over. In that same thought, I am looking forward to each of them finding their passion and pursuing it, not because it is expected or normal, but because there is so much confidence that comes with that. I know God has big things for each of them and am excited to see what that is.

2. Seth and Julia going to school. I really think it's gonna be a totally different experience, much more similar to mine, than it has been for the big kids. I love school and am looking forward to them loving it too so I can not dread it anymore.

3. Being a part of a thriving growing church. I fully believe God is getting ready to blow open the doors at RLC and it's gonna be a totally different church in the near future. The growing pains aren't fun, but I'm so ready to be in the middle of some exciting things God is bringing our way.

In Over My Head Part 3

Let me start with a bit of an explanation. I'm a worshiper. It's what I love, its who I am. So I am constantly listening for new or new to me songs that resonate with my current spiritual state or struggle or whose words share what I'm feeling. I would dare to say that besides adoption, the second highest source of my blog material is songs, and how they speak to me. I know that songs are just another person's words put to music and aren't necessarily theologically sound or Biblically true, so I don't see them as a standard for living, but rather an expression that I may or may not agree with. There are plenty of worship songs I don't love or agree with. I'm pretty rigid and picky that way.

Ok, so back to the song of the week, In Over My Head

Whether I sink, whether I swim, it makes no difference when I am beautifully in over my head.

In life, we make decisions on what to commit to and what to steer clear from, often times based on our prediction of the outcome it will bring or the benefit we can receive in return for our commitment. But this line speaks to me of full commitment to God and his plans because we trust him and not based on how it feels to us or what we hope to gain.

Feelings are deceiving. I often feel like I'm sinking, even when I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. And yes, honestly it deters me sometimes from going all in. Cause no one wants to feel like they have no control, like they are drowning with no hope of rescue. We obey God because we choose to please him and not because it always feels good. And when we are fully committed, the devil will rear his ugly head to try and stop you.

I'm really struggling as a parent with my 4 year old, Seth. And Sundays are the worst. After I've been ministering in worship and teaching, I'm convinced his bad attitude and stubbornness is one of the ways I am being tested to be discouraged and give up. It makes for a bad Sunday evening most weeks. But my obedience is not about me at all!

But whether it feels good or not, I have to give up control, of myself, of my kids (in some ways, I'm not talking about lack of discipline), give up my way and choose to be a follower, fully surrendered to his plan. Give up my rights and choose to be a servant, doing and being for the advancement of his kingdom.

And he will sustain me. He will strengthen me. He will be my portion and all that I need. True satisfaction is only found at the place of total surrender to God. Sink or swim!

30 Blogs - Day 5

A picture of somewhere you've been to...

Pre-kids (my life is split into two eras, pre-kids, and post kids), in 2009, BJ and I went to an all inclusive resort in Cozumel Mexico. It was so relaxing! It was supposed to be our last big hurray before kids. I thought we'd have kids shortly after. It was 2 years, a lot of grief, and fertility treatments later that we adopted our kiddos.

I've told BJ that we should do it again soon. Maybe in 2019 for our 15 year anniversary. Vacations with 5 kids, while they are a break from work, and a change of pace, generally leave the mom busy and tired. I try to give me kids a break and handle everything so they can enjoy themselves, and I just end up stressed and tired and need a vacation from our vacation. :) And when our vacation involves family, which I truly am grateful for and love to see, some how I feel like everyone is watching and judging me by my kids. I am not saying this is what anyone is doing at all, but how I feel. It's hard to let go and be okay with my kids being just that, kids. Yeah, so a vacation with kids is for them. A vacation without them, that's for me.

In Over My Head Part 2

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put you in?
Let love come teach me who you are again.

Further and further my heart moves away from the shore.
Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am yours.

I am a box maker. I like everything neat and tidy. It makes me feel in control. It gives the appearance I am in control, but the truth is that even when everything is in its place physically and mentally, I am still not in control. How do I know? Because getting it all together does not relieve the stress. Sure it feels better for a little while, but there are too many factors I do not have the power to change or manipulate that keep me from total control and power. Because as much as someone thinks they are in control, and it may look that way from our perspective,  there is another who holds the whole world in his hands.

So when we try to put God in a box, not only do we realize how little control we have, but we are failing to trust him and choosing to trust our ways. Saying we know better. Complete trust in God is the only place we have peace. And the only place God is allowed to show himself powerful and strong.

In my natural mind, not knowing causes me worry and stress.  But I have learned (the hard way by going around the same mountain again and again because I can be stubborn like that) that when I let God be God, I can follow him, not knowing where I am going (like Abraham did), and still feel safe and secure, at peace even if I don't know all the details.

Because I have tasted and seen that God is good. Because I have learned his character by studying his word. And I am choosing to give up the control I think I need so I can be fully His.

Full but Not Satisfied

Today I had Bethel Music's song In Over my Head playing over and over. Great song if you ever never heard it! One of the first lines really struck a chord with me.

I've come to this place in my life,
I'm full but I've not satisfied
This longing to have more of you.

It made me think about the difference between being full and satisfied. Usually when we are full, have filled our stomachs we are no longer searching for something to eat. We don't have room for anything else.

In the busy world we live in , it is very easy to live a full life. I try and be very intentional about not filling my life so full I don't have room for anything extra, but my life is pretty full. Between marriage, parenting 5 kids with different personalities and needs, church, and work, there really isn't much extra space in my life and we really don't have the kids over involved in any extra things, so I'm sure some of you are more full than I am.

Many of us have been told the lie (and we're convinced) that we will be satisfied if we get ourselves active in as many things as possible. But I've found that I can be full of the wrong things and not be any where close to satisfied. We have to actively choose where we will spend ourselves and pursue the only one who will satisfy our inner longings, God himself. 

You can be equally busy doing what seems right and good or doing what God has asked of you. One leaves you weary and tired and the other leaves you refreshed and fulfilled. Don't just do stuff to fill your time. It's not all the same. Who and what you pursue makes all the difference.