Full Circle

I have never really been one to look back at previous blogs and reflect, but just for the fun of it, I looked back at my last blog of 2010 just to see what I was thinking and what was going on.  In the end of that blog, which was quite random if I do say so myself, I reference a scripture that has been my verse over the past years as we have struggled with infertility and adoption.  

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

I usually study out of and speak out of the NIV, but another version has really grabbed my heart today. It reads as follows:

"The LORD your God is with you.   He is like a powerful soldier.   He will save you. He will show how much he loves you and how happy he is with you. He will laugh and be happy about you." Zephaniah 3:17 - ERV (Easy to Read Version)

A year ago, our lives were full of hopes but no concrete answers.  And I needed to be reminded that God loved me because sometimes I felt like I had somehow failed him and was being punished accordingly.  We felt like we were following where God was leading and yet, it seemed like we were getting no where. So I would go to this verse and read it again and again, trying to convince myself he was indeed proud of me and was working on our behalf. Trusting that he would continue to hold us during the time when we were so unsure as to what tomorrow held.

But now, only one year later, I can read this verse and smile.  Knowing God knew what he was doing and He was indeed strong enough to take care of us and our situation and he did provide for us. He was working out all the details and now I know that he loves us so much and is happy with us and the sacrifices we have made and are making to raise these kids to love him and serve him.  I was not foolish to believe God was leading us here and setting up the rest of our lives according to his perfect will for us.

So tonight, as we look forward to a new year and the future, we can stand assured knowing that God will be with us and will do what he promised and will bring us through the struggles in the waiting and into the fulfillment of his promises in our lives.

I expect 2012 to bring with it a new set of struggles and tests, but I am prepared to stand on God's unchanging word and live on my knees before my God who loves me and see what he has in store for us in the coming year.

Getting Back to Being Myself

I am sitting here at the computer while the kids and hubby are sleeping and I'm uploading pics to snapfish so I can order prints and get back in my scrapbooking groove.  And I'm loving it.  It feels good to get back to being myself.  No, I am not the same person I was 11 weeks ago when God saw fit to give us these three blessings, but I am starting to feel like I am back to normal. Yes, my free time is severely limited these days, but with the kids getting in a groove of sorts, I am pretty sure I can make some time to get some things scrapbooked and spend me time.  And I'm excited about the possibility. The kids are getting into painting these large color pages we got them for Christmas, and between that and all the other things they now have to entertain themselves, I am hoping to get 1-2 pages scrapbooked every weekend until I get some things caught up.  And if the kids want to use some of my stuff, and just be generally crafty, I am good with that.  Have you seen the amount of paper I have accumulated?  It is quite ridiculous if I do say so myself and I'm pretty sure D will gladly use some of it to create something, anything, he can dream up.  I will probably alternate working on my sister's wedding scrapbook I promised her 3 years ago when she got married (ouch!) and some pages of our days with the kids so far.  I know I am a few vacations behind, but if I can keep the kids stuff kinda current, I'm hoping to get to that older stuff some day. So I am ordering pictures of Jill's wedding and things we did with the kids so I'll have everything I need to be able to pick up and put down scrapbooking fairly easily, one page at a time.

And January is coming.  January is probably my busiest month of the year at work with all of the year end payroll I am in charge of.  I have ordered all the payroll forms and am actually excited to get into the meat of it and get it done.  I love me some payroll.  Really! I do!  I love being in charge of something that I am good at and I love the nitty gritty details of everything.  And I love the fact that no one else really loves it like I do so no one is threatening to take my payroll away.  Obviously, I have been away from a busy work schedule for a while now and am just ready to get my hands dirty and get it done.

I really think the part time schedule, combined with the days I've taken off of work around the holidays has really done me some good.  I haven't worked a 40 hour week in a while and I am ready to get back into it. One more week until all that starts though, since I am off until next Thursday with the kiddos. So next week will be filled with doctor's appointments and getting some thank you cards done as well as getting the kids back on a normal sleeping routine as we head into the second half of the school year. And maybe, just maybe, I can get the kids busy doing something and get some scrapbooking done.  

It's good to be back!

Just Another Thursday Night

The kids' therapist comes to our house every Thursday for their weekly sessions.  For the most part I just let her do her job and she talks to each kid privately and is working them through some issues.  I don't usually pry and trust that the therapist will tell us what we need to know and what we should help the kids with.

Tonight Mrs. T told me that the kids weren't at all prepared for adoption really and she feels like she needs to go back and start at the beginning.  As we are well aware, the kids don't think their parents did anything wrong and they blame the judge and police officers for taking them away.  Their perceptions are warped and their anger misplaced.  Until they can get a more true understanding of the process and what actually did happen, they will never be able to move past the anger.  She shared that at this point, most kids are angry at their parents and realize they did bad things to them and were unfit parents and are ready to leave them forever. But my kids are still holding on to the hope they will get to go back some day. I feel so bad for them that they weren't prepared for this and that we are not anywhere near where they should be in dealing with the past.  But once again I see God's hand at work because now we will be the ones to help them through this. I am thankful for that because I think we will be able to have a special connection to our kids since we will be the ones holding their hands through this all and praying all along the way. 

Mrs. T also said that she feels like their foster parents were more like foster grandparents.  Just like grandparents love their grandchildren and it is not their job to discipline and move the kids forward, she feels that they nurtured our kids, but weren't really proactive in getting them the help they needed and working with them to move onto their future adoption.

With all that said, our kids really are doing well (or I think so) in adjusting to their new normal.  Yes they have their moments and throw tantrums as times, threatening to go back and find their birth parents, but I really feel like they are connecting to us and are learning to respect and love us as their forever parents.

I love their therapist and trust her completely to do what she feels my kids need.  She has given me a better understanding of what we need to be helping them with and praying them through as we move forward in the days ahead.  And we are ready to help them move forward and will be praying for God to help them through this process of healing.

First Christmas Fears

Tomorrow begins our first Christmas with the kids. We've had a few small things but tomorrow starts the major Christmas celebrations with the families. And I'm afraid I'm going to be so uptight I'll miss it all and will later wish I would have just chilled out and enjoyed making memories. Yeah I know I am way too hard on myself as a parent, and I expect some meltdowns, but I have a really hard time finding balance between being consistent with discipline and letting it slide.  I rarely let anything slide because I am nothing if I am not consistent.  But sometimes, it is so exhausting. Especially on special occasions when I feel like we are on display.  I know everyone has been there before, but because this is the first Christmas, and I don't know what will and will not cause huge meltdowns, I am kinda dreading it.

And they already have enough Christmas for the year and we haven't even started the "big" Christmas celebrations. Why on earth did I feel I needed to buy them toys at all? Seriously. Between grandparents, and previous foster parents, and our adoption agency, they have plenty. And the fun is just beginning.

And I'm afraid they are going to be rude and unappreciative of everything.

And I hate the parent I am when they are being rude.  I don't want to raise my voice, but I often find myself there.  Why don't they hear me when I am talking normally to them?  Some days I think their ears are broken. Seriously. And I get overwhelmed and angry with them. And then I am that mom. You know the one, yelling at her kids, frustrated, pulling her hair out, and nothing seems to be working. And I hate being that mom. Because no matter how rude they are to me, they are just crying out for love and testing boundaries. They told me to expect this but in the heat of the moment I am only angry and frustrated and just want them to listen and obey. And I forget they are adjusting to us just like we are adjusting to them.

I feel better now that I've gotten that all off my chest.  It always feels good to vent your fears and frustrations, or for me it does.

So if you think of us in the next couple of days please pray that we, as parents, will know how to respond to our kids' antics and when to just let it go.  And pray that our kids take a break from being rude if even for a few moments so we can be reminded of the sweet children God has given us and enjoy the moments. Cause I don't want to regret our first Christmas as a family of 5.

Joy to the World

How many times have you sang a song, especially a Christmas song and not thought one bit about what you were singing?  I am sure I do it all the time.  We all do. We have sung the lyrics so many times and often the phrasing is a bit odd and archaic and we don't really think about it.

The third verse of Joy to the World has been going on over and over again in my head this week. Probably a verse most of us don't know as well as the others.  Probably a verse our eyes have glossed over. 

No more let sins and sorrows grow 

nor thorns infest the ground:   

he comes to make his blessings flow

far as the curse is found.

To me it speaks of moving past the way your life used to be and into God's best for you.  We have to stop letting (allowing, giving permission) sin have a place in our lives.  It controls whatever it touches.  The devil is not happy to be second fiddle. He wants full control. Sin festers, it poisons, it steals from the place where God intended there to be victory and joy and it taints the soil of your heart. Sin is anything contrary to God's word, whether it's doing when God said not to or not doing when God said do. We all fall short in some way.

Jesus has come so we can move from the sin of our past and have blessings and not curses, freedom and not bondage.  And He will keep pouring out blessing in every part of our lives the devil has tried to latch onto and control. There are a few verses of scripture this brings to mind for me.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.- We must not be ignorant that we are living in a world full of sin and that the wages or consequences of that sin is death.  This is not a free for all, a time to do as you please with no consequence for your choices.  There is a price to be paid for your sin.  Because God is just and cannot let sin go unpunished.  But if you accept Jesus' sacrifice, your debt has been paid for.  And your gift from God is life. Full and wonderful life.

Romans 5:20 But where sin increased, grace increased all the more- Praise God! Even when it feels that we will never stop failing God and sin is overwhelming us, God's grace is being poured out into our lives more and more. So we can receive his blessings and overcome the curse of sin that is present around us in this world.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.  But I have come that you might have life and have it to the full.- If you feel like you are being stolen from and someone is out to get you, it's because you are and someone is.  And it's not God doing the stealing. God's plans are life and blessings and not curses and death. So we have to step away from the curses of sin and into the flow of blessings God is pouring into us.

The phrase that I keep singing over and over again is: He comes to make his blessings flow far as the curse is found.

In every step where the devil is trying to gain ground, God's pouring out blessings. Flowing like a river if we will just get in the stream. God is replacing every place of curses with blessing in our lives.

And that is where the joy comes from.  Not from our good deeds or getting what we ask for, but from God who gives us more than we deserve because of his love.  We can live in the flow of God's blessings and there we will find true joy.

Higher Ground

This week I had this old hymn stuck in my head. I believe that God brings songs to us because we need them right where we are at, at that particular moment. As is normal for me, I pulled up the lyrics for all of the verses of this song and read them to allow God the opportunity to speak to me through them if he wanted to. The chorus is what keeps going on over and over in my head.

Lord life me up, and let me stand.
By grace on Heaven's table land.
A higher place than I have found.
Lord plant my feet on higher ground.

Higher - one step above where you currently are.  Higher is relative to ones current position.  What may be higher for you may not be higher for me. As Christians, we are not in competition with each other to see whom can be higher or closer to God. God is just calling us (or at least me) to be closer to him, one step higher, always striving to know God more and love him more. Until we reach heaven.

This all comes at a pretty good time as the new year is right around the corner.  Every year we tend to make these high and lofty goals that are forgotten within a few days.  Honestly, I haven't even made a New Year's Resolution in multiple years because I am tired of disappointing myself.  But today I choose higher ground.  Closer to the lover of my soul. Doing more tomorrow than I did today. Loving more fully. 

And I can only keep this goal one day at a time and one moment at a time.  Yes, I will fail, but as long as I keep moving forward, I am doing what God has asked of me. Moving higher.

Eyes Wide Open

I am amazed at how much junk is being thrown at our kids day after day. My son can't go the McDonalds and assume the toys they give him are okay.  The current toy for boys are Bakugans.  I didn't know what these were and since they looked kinda creepy, we google searched for it. Apparently these little guys are bad news. I don't know what you let your kids play with and that is definitely your choice, but for my kids, we are not playing anything that has anything to do with demons and powers and all that garbage. My kids have been exposed to so much before coming to live with us that I have no control over.  But what I can do is pay attention to the stuff that is being thrown at them so innocently now that they are here and under my watch.

The first time D brought home one of these little toys, we had to have a talk about how the devil is trying to trick us to think that things that are bad for us are good. And even though it looks like just a toy, the story behind it had to do with using the devil's power and we didn't want anything to do with that.  It is the devil's job to deceive us and we have to be smarter than that. The final result was that I told him we were throwing it away. He didn't take it too well, but ultimately it was what I felt I needed to do. Today as soon as D got his toy he knew it was one of those Bakugans which we refer to as the "devil's friends." He really wanted to keep it, but by the time we were done eating his Happy Meal, he decided he didn't want any of the devil's friends, even if it meant he didn't get a toy and his sisters did.  I was so proud of him for his decision and I told him that in the future, if he gets a toy that will not make God happy from a kids meal, if he would throw it away we would replace it with a toy from the dollar store.  He was happy with that exchange and I am happy that he is realizing we are trying to protect him and not hurt him. Daddy told him how proud he was for the choice that he made. And I am pretty sure God is proud of him too.

I don't know what you believe about spiritual warfare, but let me tell you there is some serious spiritual battle going on for my kids at my house. We talk about it a lot with them.  They are learning that the devil wants them to not listen and to disobey us and even to not want to talk to God every night during our family prayer time and if their choices are not pleasing to God, they are making the devil happy. This isn't just about what we want, there is always a spiritual battle going on that we may not see or realize. I think they are getting it.  More often than not, they will ask me to pray for them and tell the devil to leave them alone in Jesus name and pray that Jesus will give them strength to make the decision that pleases God. I guess I always knew this was going on, especially after reading "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness" by Frank Peretti, but it seems so much more real since we are talking about it on a daily basis around here.  Maybe it seems to be a common topic of discussion because we are raising kids who may or may not have a background in spiritual things or maybe it is just because we are raising kids period.  They won't ever learn unless we tell them.  Let me be clear to say that we do not scare them by talking about the devil, but he is our very real enemy and I feel I would be doing them a disservice by pretending like he isn't always trying to trick them.  They know that Jesus is bigger and Jesus will win, but they also know that the devil is always fighting against them and they have to choose to not please him by their choices.

I am so glad we have power over the enemy of our souls by the blood of Jesus.  There are a few songs that have been going over in my head for the past couple of weeks and they talk about the victory and freedom we have because of the blood.  I am so thankful for the blood that purchased my victory and victory for my kids. Nothing but the blood can do that. Nothing

Jumping in the Puddles

This morning I made a deal with my kids.  If they would not purposefully jump in the puddles on the way into the church, thus getting their church clothes and shoes wet and dirty, I would let them play in the rain and the puddles after we got home and changed into jeans and tennis shoes. 

So tonight we did just that.  

You'd be surprised to know (or maybe you wouldn't) that D was not interested in getting wet and cold at all but rather the girls were both all in when I told them to change clothes so we could go jump in the puddles. (By we I mean them getting all wet while I was taking pictures of the entire ordeal). Yes, I am that mom that let and even encouraged my kids to run through the puddles on the side of the road in the cold and was following with my camera the whole way. It was a blast if I do say so myself.  Sometimes, I think kids just need to be kids. I have always loved the rain and loved playing in the rain, so I was so excited that the girls wanted to participate. The pictures aren't the best, but we sure did have a fun time making memories.  I think its good for them and for me to just be silly and be a kid sometimes and do something a little out of the box just for the fun of it.  And we sure did enjoy ourselves.  I wonder what the people in the cars thought as they drove down our road and saw us running and jumping away in the rain, getting wet, with mom on the sidelines approving the whole way.  I am sure some would have through we were crazy. Let them think all they want.  We had fun and I wouldn't take back those 10-15 minutes for anything. I am so grateful that I have kids who will be silly and let me enjoy it all in the process. Kids are the best! They remind us to enjoy life and not take ourselves too seriously.  I think we could all use a reminder of that on occasion.

Scared? Not me!

For the first time in 7 weeks I'm not scared. "Of what?" you might ask.  Let me back up a bit here and catch you up. (TMI warning!!)

Starting in July when we found out we had been selected for our kids I have been telling everyone, EVERYONE and for the most part they were all excited for us. But the next sentence that has come out of their mouth was "You know you are gonna get pregnant as soon as you get the kids, right?" Sounds like an answer to prayer, right? But 7 weeks ago I realized I was so not ready to be a new mom to three and prego all at once. SO NOT READY! I kinda laughed it off, but it was really starting to worry me.  (Enter me trying to figure it all out, again. You'd think I had learned my lesson by now, but apparently not.)  I thought about going back on birth control. I started being lazy with taking my Synthroid. I paid really close attention to my cycle to avoid my husband at certain times of the month. (Not that being totally exhausted left room for any intimacy between us, but just in case, I was really aware.) There were a couple of points in the last 7 weeks when I would have told you I would be really mad at God and really depressed if I ended up pregnant so soon after getting the kids. These weeks of getting adjusted have been really hard on me, on us, and have definitely had me reconsidering wanting any more kids at all. Ever.

But now, I say, God, bring it on, if that's what you want for us. I'm not sure what has changed in the last week or even the last couple of days, but I know that God will not give us more than we can handle. So I am resting in that and knowing that God knows what he is doing. I choose to "consider it all joy" (James 1:2) and not worry about the what ifs. And still, as if I had to relearn everything again, I trust that God's timing is perfect. 

No, I'm not pregnant, just to clear the air and stop any rumors or speculations from growing in your heads.

Pictures today went pretty well. I am waiting on Andi to work her magic and then I can get the announcements/Christmas cards/New Years cards made and sent out. We definitely had God's favor on the day as it stopped raining just long enough for us to get our pics in. Because God is faithful.

7 weeks down, about 17 to go before things will be made final and I can post names and pictures on this blog. I am sure most of you are tired of not having pics, and quite frankly, so am I. Do you know how hard it is to have kids and not be able to post pics of them? I know there are blogs I go to and I look at only because of how cute the kids are.  So I am kinda bummed that I can't offer you that yet.  Let me tell you that when that day comes, those of you who are not my facebook friends will be amazed at how much our kids look like us. God is just amazing and worked all that out for us splendidly if I do say so myself.

Christmas Celebrations

On Wednesday, November 23rd, we put up our Christmas decorations (or celebrations as K would call them).  Last year I bought a second tree with the intent of one tree being a tree the kids could decorate and the other being a tree I could decorate.  I told the kids the plans and H  immediately opposed the idea saying that we were all supposed to decorate everything as a family.  A compromise was reached that H would be in charge of the kid tree but that we would all help decorate it and I would be in charge of my tree, but let them help put things on under my direction. So here is the kids tree:

The ornaments I gave them to put on the tree were whatever was left from multiple years of trees with different themes as well as yearly ornaments since we've been married and more recently from vacations.  The kids' additions that I think are noteworthy are the stuffed owl (because we all know owls belong in Christmas trees) and the Barbie doll complete in the package from the store.  Also, you have to notice the package from D to BJ and I that is front and center of the tree and that he insists we can't open until Christmas.  He makes packages like this often for everyone he meets.  He ever made his cousin Erin her very own drivers license, because right now the thought of having a driver's license or credit card is just the coolest thing to him. You should also know that the back of the tree is totally bare of ornaments or decorations, as can be expected.

And then there is my tree:

It's pretty much what you would expect from me. Red and white and silver. Organized. Pretty equally spaced. I am not obsessive about it or anything so it isn't perfect, but I like it. I think my favorite thing about the tree is the ribbon that is curled and comes down from the bow at the top. It is a 9 ft tall skinny tree and fits in my living room between my couch and love seat.  I love that it is a skinny tree and doesn't take a lot of space, but is big enough to look like a tree and not a stick.

Going into my big day of decorating the house I had high hopes for how much the kids would want to help and interfere with my plans. I was prepared for anything and was told not to have any expectations. It went pretty well.  They were pretty much done with decorating by the time they got their tree decorated and left me to finish the rest which was perfect for me.  I could do what I wanted with little interference and the decorations turned out how I wanted them.  This year I didn't add anything new, so it didn't take much time at all for me to get everything done.  About 3 hours in all I'd guess. 

Usually I enjoy putting the lights on the outside of the house, but right now, it is too much for me.  The kids haven't mentioned it, so I don't plan on putting them up unless they ask at some point. Even then, I may only do the two small prelit trees on the front porch and a few lights around the flower beds and skip the roof this year. I always dread taking them down and so for this year, I think we'll pass on that. Maybe next year when things are a little more settled, we'll work on getting them up.  I do have my wreath on my front door, but I change that every season, so it wasn't much more work than usual.

We are getting family pictures done tomorrow, hopefully, if the kids and weather cooperate. I originally had planned to get Christmas cards made, but at this point, we may just make them all "Happy New Years" cards so I don't feel stressed or rushed to get them out on time.  We plan to send photo cards to more people than our normal Christmas card list since this is kind of being combined with the equivalent of  what "birth announcements" would be for a family who just had a baby. I'm thinking if I can find a new years theme that talks about new beginnings or something, it would fit quite well with what is going on in our lives.

The kids have been here for 7 weeks. 7 WEEKS. So hard to believe.  Some days it feels like they just got here and some days it feels like they've always been here.  6 months and final adoption proceedings will be here before we know it. So exciting! 

The next thing on my list of to-dos is to find the kids a dentist and pediatrician who takes their insurance.  I have a couple I plan to call on Monday and verify insurance before I make appointments to get them in. I've been told that not many take the type of Medicaid they are on, so I'm double checking everything and assuming nothing.  The girls both have birthdays in the next month or so, so I'd guess they will be due for well child checkups. I may not take D in until closer to his birthday which is in June.  All of the kids need their 6 month dental cleaning/checkup/whatever they do for kids their age.  I really don't know when all of this starts, so I guess I'll just have to see what they say when I call on Monday.  My kids have been in good health overall and that is such a blessing. We've had little colds here and there, and one slight-fever, but nothing that has hung on for any length of time and wasn't kicked by a little over the counter medicine. I have seen people with sick children (usually younger than mine) and am so grateful for my kids' health overall.

I am doing well with my Christmas shopping, kinda.  I am almost done with the kids and only have everyone else left.  I figure buying for them in the biggest part of our Christmas, so I guess that means I'm more than half way done. BJ and I have decided to get a new TV for each other for Christmas, so I'm off the hook for him for that and only have his birthday to shop for.

The other exciting news I have (or at least to me it's exciting) is that BJ and I will be going to a weekend long marriage conference/retreat in April. Since life has change so much recently, we've decided we need a time just for us, away from the kids, where we can focus on us and making sure our marriage is strong enough to withstand the craziness that is our new life.  We both realize that the kids wear us out and we need to be a unit, loving each other, and parenting them together for the sake of our family and our marriage.  I am convinced that without a strong relationship between us, our kids and our family can't thrive, so we are taking a weekend for us and for them. I've wanted to do one of these before and am really excited that the timing is working out right this time around.  It is around our 8th anniversary and we are considering this our anniversary gift to each other.  I am so looking forward to it.

The Good Stuff About My Kids

Being a parent is tough, but I don't want you to think for one second that I'd have it any other way. Yeah, I cry a lot about good things and bad. Ok, I really cry about everything. And I am hormonal like a new mom without a real hormone imbalance to blame.  And at the same time, there isn't a thing in the world I wouldn't do for my babies.  Yes, they are my babies even though they are 7,6, and 4. And there are moments I carry them around the house like babies and sing lullabies to them because they ask me to.  They are the sweetest most loving kids I could ever ask for.  They are the best huggers in the world. Right now H loves to give me really tight squeeze hugs. The kind that makes you lose your breath each time she squeezes you.  I almost feel like I am getting the Heimlich.  But I love it.  And D is just so sweet. I now understand what my friend Kim said about the love she has for her boys.  If you don't have both boys and girls I'd guess you wouldn't understand.  It's different, but in the best way possible.  He just melts my heart so many times a day. Such a sweet little guy who really wants to please God and tries so hard to be a good listener and to obey mom and dad even though it doesn't always turn out that way. And K. She sings everything.  Makes up songs all day long about whatever is on her mind.  Just like her Grandpa. Such a free spirit, loves to share and play with her older siblings and copy whatever they are doing.  It annoys them usually and I get that since I am the oldest, but it is still so sweet.  She has such a tender heart and gets her feelings hurt when she has to be disciplined for not following the rules. Reminds me of my sister in that way. She loves being the baby and will request to sit on my lap or be carried everywhere, and I oblige quite a bit, because soon I really won't be able to since she is growing like a weed. I asked K this week if our house was full and she said "No, we need more kids. There's room, mom!" Makes me smile.

This weekend they were all so sweet with their baby cousin Erin.  Each of them had their moments of talking sweet to her and entertaining her on the floor and hugging on her.  And she loved them too.  When she gets a little older, they are going to be great friends and baby sitters. Now, if we could just get Erin (and her parents) to the great state of Texas and away from Chicagoland...

And they loved playing and hanging out with their great grandparents.  It was so nice for them to be able to meet them and really get some individual attention before the crowds showed up.  Haley kept saying how she loved how big her new family was. We had 35 on Thanksgiving at my parents house, including 14 kids. (Only 4 of those weren't family)

And those three are going to be great older siblings when God gives us more kids. When. Not if. I am still convinced that God isn't done growing our family. But right now, I'm not rushing things and just enjoying the family he has given us now, at this time in our lives. There is no point in wishing today away, but instead I choose to enjoy the moments, because we can't get them back later.

Teaching them Young - Giving Thanks

As a sort of continuation from yesterday's post, tonight when I put K to bed I said a short prayer with her (we all say family prayers together at the dining room table) that Jesus would keep her safe and I told the Devil to leave her alone in Jesus name.  We've been talking about how they have authority when they are scared or are having bad dreams to tell the devil to leave them alone because Jesus gave us that power. We've been practicing saying "In Jesus name, stop" and "In Jesus name, Devil leave me alone." So as I finished my prayer that I wasn't even sure she was listening to, her sweet voice said, "In Jesus name, Devil go away and let me sleep."  So sweet. So innocent.  So powerful!  It is just amazing to me how kids learn so fast and trust that whatever you tell them is true (well, as long as you aren't saying something they don't want to happen like time-out or writing sentences, but that is a whole post in itself.) So for now she is sleeping soundly and I am trusting that God is doing what she asked and keeping that pesky Devil away so she can sleep and sleep well tonight.

Today I am thankful for innocent child-like faith that believes God will do what he has promised and is not inhibited by experience or knowledge that introduces doubt and human reasoning into the equation.

Giving Thanks - Day #532

At this point I am so far behind on giving thanks each day, that I've decided it isn't even worth trying to catch up. Yeah, life happens. Oh well.  I have gotten further this year than I have any other year, so 13 days in a row is a new record for me.

Today I am thankful for the authority we have in Christ over the devil.  (Ok, so I may step on a few toes in this post based on what you believe in regards to the devil, so if you are easily offended or like to believe the devil doesn't exist and doesn't attack, you may want to skip this one.) Tonight K was having a nightmare.  She has those kind of often (2-3 times a week) and it's actually pretty common for kids who come from hard places. They have endured some horrific things and sometimes they relive it in their minds and through nightmares.  But this was the worse I've ever seen her.  I heard her crying in her bed and went in to wake her up so I could comfort her, but she wouldn't wake up.  I brought her to the living room and continued to try and wake her up for the better part of 20 minutes.  Somewhere in my attempts, I started to pray for her. To assert my authority over whatever was tormenting her. I believe as a parent, I have spiritual authority over the devil and his attacks against my children.  By using God's word and the authority I have, I was able to get her to wake up and whatever was torturing her left. Praise God! I am thankful for the authority over the devil by the blood of Jesus.  I hate that my baby has to be scared and fearful but I will keep attacking the devil and fighting for my kids as long as I have breath and he has no choice but to submit to the authority I have in Jesus.

And I am once again reminded that this is going to be a battle and I'd better be ready to fight the devil and his tactics.  I know a lot about where my kids are coming from, but I wasn't there, and I don't know every opportunity in their lives the devil had to gain influence over them.  And quite frankly it isn't fair for them to have to start behind the ball, spiritually, with so much already that they know and that taints their innocence.  But this is where we are and I am ready for the fight. So, devil you'd better get ready, cause this Mommy is gonna fight hard and isn't going to give up until there is victory and freedom for my kids.

Giving Thanks - Day #13

Today I am thankful for the cold I have.  Stay with me and it'll make sense, I promise. I have been feeling pretty yucky for the past few days.  Today I am kinda in a daze and while for most people that would be bad, it has taught me to chill out some. Since we got the kids I have been going full force trying to be consistent and to discipline them for their good.  And to some extent it has worked.  And the flip side of that coin is that I have been nit picking everything to death and it was probably stressing them out as much as it was me. But today, when I was really too tired or in a daze to care about all the little things, I chilled out and really I think the kids responded to me much better. (Maybe they were just being nice because they knew I didn't feel good.)  We are turning a corner here, I think. Maybe I am getting the hang of this.  My friend Elaine told me to pick my battles and I never really understood that until today.  Being a parent is hard and new for me, but I really hope that I have learned from this mistake at least, and am able to calm down and stop trying to create perfect kids. I can't rely on myself or my methods because I will always fail. Because I am insufficient, but my God is not. I am learning to do less picking apart every detail and more praying to the one who can speak to my kids, who can help them, and who provides the strength and wisdom I need to raise them to love and serve Him. So, yes, today I am thankful for a silly little cold.

Giving Thanks - Day #11 and #12

I was doing so well and then, well life has been a little crazy here and this hasn't been priority. So I apologize, and will do two days in this one post.

I am thankful for my sister. I would dare to say that over the years she has been my only constant friend and I wouldn't have it any other way.  Yes, we've had our moments (mainly my moments, mind you) where we haven't exactly gotten along, but I am so glad God gave her to me. Even though I wasn't too thrilled to have a little sister and lose the attention I rightfully deserved, it has all worked out in the end.  She is a Godly woman and has a real heart for worship and ministry.  I am glad we've gotten the opportunity to travel and sing/play together in Splitfish and more recently to lead worship together on several occasions.  Before she moved to Chicago we could just look at each other and know what we were thinking and leading worship together was a breeze.  We are also a force to be reckoned with whenever we play any team game together.  So much so that they have banned us from being partners anymore because we smear everyone else, especially at Pictionary.  I tell you, we have the same mind when it comes to that stuff.  More recently, she has made me the aunt of the most adorable little girl on the planet, Miss Erin.  She is such a sweetheart and I am excited they are coming to visit in less than two weeks. I am also quite excited for our kiddos to meet Jill and Sam and Erin.  This is going to be our first holiday with kids! Yippee!

Secondly, I am thankful for the Sunday School class I teach.  When I started teaching 4 and a half years ago (I think), God was moving me from 1st and 2nd graders to college and career.  If you've ever taught Sunday School, you have to know that is a big change.  From kids to your peers basically. Huge!  But God has used this opportunity to stretch me in ways I never imagined.  I have learned to hear God clearly and let him speak through me to those kids (I use the term loosely since they are only 5-10 years younger than I am). I love my students and am so glad God has put them in my life. Yes, there are times when I feel like I'm talking to the wall or no one is listening, but I know and am convinced that for now, God has me exactly where he wants me and it is such a blessing to be in that place.

Giving Thanks - Day #10

Today I am thankful for second chances.  We all make mistakes and there is a such thing as an accident (although I am having trouble convincing my kids of that since they think if anything is done to their stuff or them it must be on purpose).  I am glad that God gives second chances.  Every second is a second chance for starting over.  Yeah, we are gonna mess things up, but by God's grace we can be forgiven (by God and whomever we have hurt) and get up and try again.  Trying again means we have to admit when we mess things up (which can be hard to do for some of us, me included), ask for forgiveness and be willing to get back up on that bike and ride it again, knowing full well that you will mess it up again someday, and that is okay. One of my friends from church has a saying at her job that everyday is a Monday. A new chance. A fresh day to make different choices and get different outcomes.  A new day full of new mercies from the Lord and new opportunities to be a blessing. So whatever happened a minute ago is over and I now have a second chance to do things differently.

Tonight we (well BJ was in the room but not really talking) had a talk with H.  We have been having some issues with her being disrespectful to us. I know that I mess things up sometimes, but it has not seemed to make a difference if I am stern and loud or soft and compassionate.  I have been getting the same back talk, the same disrespect.  Tonight I asked her what we needed to do differently to be able to help her.  She is only 7 so she really didn't know how to answer that.  But she opened up and began to share about being sad and missing her family and not really understanding why she couldn't live with them and how when she gets older she wants to visit them. It so easy to forget that she isn't just a normal kid, but a kid with a lot of emotional baggage that she doesn't know how to sort through.  Seeing her that way helped me to be more compassionate toward her.  We talked to her about how we picked her and her siblings and prayed that God would let us be their parents if it was his will.  Her face lit up when she realized that we picked them out of a bunch of kids and wanted to be the best parents we can for them.  We've had the discussion about all we had to do to be able to adopt them before, but just like I forget where they are coming from, she had forgotten what we've been through to get us to this place where we are all together as a family.  So we made a pact with each other that we are gonna try and do things differently.  She knows we love her and she really loves us but sometimes neither one of us do a very good job showing it. So we've agreed to have a new start.  From now on, when we are frustrated with each other or angry or sad, we've decided that we just need to give each other a hug until we calm down and are able to better deal with the situation. I really hope that we both keep up our ends of the deal and are able to bond more with her and give each other a little more grace while we are in this time of transition.  I love our talks because they usually end with H giving me a big long hug and saying "I want to hug you forever." Being a mom is not easy, but some days, it is just so rewarding! 

Thank you God for second chances with my kids!

Giving Thanks - Day #9

Today I am thankful for parents that live close by and are going to be able to help us with watching the kids before and/or after school. Next week I return to full time work which means K will be staying with one of her grandmothers in the morning before school and grandparents will be picking all the kids up from school in the afternoon. Tonight at dinner (we have dinner every Wednesday night at my parents which includes the 5 of us, my parents and B.J.'s parents) I shared with the grandmas what the plan will be for the next few weeks. I had it in my head that we'd have to leave my house at 7:30 in the morning to go and drop K off and then drive back to the school (which is across the street from my house) and take H&D to school.  Both grandma's said they figured they'd come to our house instead of me driving everyone all over the place.  I'd never even thought about that since I figured it was my responsibility to make this as easy for them as possible, and I am so grateful that they offered. It is nice to feel like they are willing to help us. I mean I should know that since they love our kids a lot, but it is still something I am very appreciative of. It is so nice for the kids to be able to be cared for by grandparents and not have to put them in daycare. I am praying everything will work out as well as it seems that it will. Of course as soon as we have a routine, it'll be the crazy schedule of the holidays, but I've been told kids are pretty flexible so hopefully we can keep moving forward and keep growing as a family.

Giving Thanks - Day #8

Today I am thankful for the blood of Jesus.  I thought about writing this post a few days back and then again yesterday, but the moment just wasn't right.  In Sunday School, our class was about the power of the blood of Jesus in our lives.  We talked about forgiveness, redemption, reconciliation, and victory. There are a couple of thoughts I want to reiterate here.

Reconciliation is defined as bringing back to harmony with, to restore, to have relationship with. It is just beyond me that God would give up his son so that he could have relationship with me.  Romans 5:8 has been going over and over in my mind this week.  It says that God showed us his love by sending Jesus to die while we were still sinners. Since I am a parent now, I can relate to God in different ways than before. I see things differently I guess.  No matter how upset my children make me, or how frustrated I am at them for not listening or not obeying or defying me, while they are in the middle of the rebellion that causes strife between us, I would still do anything for them.  It's just like God with us.  No matter what we have said to him or done to him or how far we are running or deliberately breaking his heart, when we were at our worst, that is when he chose to give up his son for us. So he could have relationship with us.  It is not enough for us to know about him, he wants us to know him and share ourselves with him. Every imperfect detail. And that relationship with God can be stronger than any relationship you have ever had or ever will have with another human being.  Amazing!  He shed the blood of his son so we can come boldly to him, without fear, without hesitation.  To have an intimate relationship with the creator of the universe.

The price of our victory over sin and struggle is the blood of Jesus.  We can never be over-comers on our own, but only through the blood.  The precious blood provides our victory.  And there is no such thing as victory without a struggle.  If your opposition gives in or chooses not to participate in the battle, there is no struggle, and there is no victory.  In order to have victory you must be involved in an encounter over which one can be victorious.  So, if your struggling, you are half way to the victory.  The other half is relying on the blood and not our methods and our ways.  They work fine in the physical world we live in, but in a spiritual battle, you have to use spiritual weapons and you don't get those from yourself.

Giving Thanks - Day #7

I am thankful for 8 o'clock bedtime.  It is the source of my sanity.  Even if it turns into 8:30 or 9.  Me time. Me and B.J. time. No crying or whining. No "mom" this or "mom" that.  Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. But I am very thankful for kids who go to bed at 8 and sleep all night most of the time.  I am thankful that I still get my wind down time at the end of a busy day.  To just sit and be or watch TV, or chill, or update my blog without interruption from little people.

Going along with that, I'm generally thankful for bed time.  When the kids are winding down (mostly) and are the most loving and affectionate usually. One of my favorite things to do between showers and bed time is make people sandwiches.  I am usually on the bottom with 1 to 3 kids laying on top of me and I squeeze them tight thus creating a K or H or D sandwich (depending on which kid managed to get in the middle).  They love this too (the girls probably more than D).  It's moments like this that I feel the most loved and feel like they are really bonding with us.  It is hard sometimes because they don't know us anymore than we know them, and we are all going through an adjustment time. Also at bed time we read our picture Bible together and each person prays.  Sometimes their prayers can be really telling and sometimes they are so over it and say the minimum required prayer of "Dear God, Thank you, I love you, Amen."  D is really trying to be a good listener and prays every night that God will help him to listen better and not talk back. He also prays that we will get good rest and sleep well.  I have seen so much improvement in him in the past three weeks. He is probably my easiest child right now.  I didn't think I would say that this soon.  They told us he would be the hardest to adjust, but he seems to be doing really well. He is recognizing which of his behaviors are not allowed and he is making good choices to curve some of his behavior. The girls are having a little harder time connecting the dots.  I think I'm going to try and let BJ take care of H.  I have said before that we are so much alike.  Each kid is so different, but if I were to guess, I'd say I am the hardest on her.  I think I expect too much out of her and I really have to work on remembering she is only 7 and she has been through a lot and is in an adjustment period too. 

Parenting is so hard, but we are getting in a routine, kind of.  Next week I go back to working full time, so our permanent schedule will be able to be established at that point, just before all the holidays hit and throw everyone off of their normal schedule.  There are days when I just want to give up, and quite honestly this past weekend was like that.  Not because of the kids so much as because of me. (I refuse to take all the credit though since they weren't exactly angels either.) I think I expect too much out of myself as a parent.  I had a someone recently tell me to cut myself some slack. New parents of infants don't get everything right and they struggle with routines and lack of sleep and learning their children. Often times they spend all day in sweats and never get around to daily things such as showers.  She said I should think of myself just like that and shouldn't expect myself to make all the right decisions and do everything perfectly right off the bat.  It takes practice and time and making a lot of mistakes.  I am trying to chill and not be disappointed with myself every time I get upset with the kids, and by God's grace and with a lot of prayer I'll keep taking steps in the right direction and about the time I think I have it figured out, I'll end up pregnant. God does have a sense of humor and a way of keeping us in our place. Ha!

Giving Thanks - Day #6

Today I am thankful for my church family. It has been a rough couple of days.  Being a mom is hard, and being an instant mom of three kids that I don't even really know is even harder.  Today I was just frustrated and stressed but my church family knows how to encourage me and lift me up.  I was a wreck today, crying at the drop of a hat, and just an emotional mess.  And I was met with a ton of hugs and prayers.  It is just nice to know people care and when they say they are praying for you, they really are. I have been at my current church since before I turned five, so I've literally grown up there and some of them know me better than some of my biological family.  And I wouldn't change churches for anything.  I love it here.  I belong. God has surrounded me with people who serve the same God as I do and are able to encourage me and keep me moving forward in this journey to be more like God and please him with every part of my life.

Giving Thanks - Day #5

Today I am thankful for tears.  Yeah, I cry all the time. When something is sappy, when I'm stressed, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, at movies, at TV shows, at books. And I'm grateful for the tears, even when they are brought on by sadness or worry. There was a time in my life when I was so apathetic to everything, nothing brought me to tears. I was just going through the motions. My tears tell me that I'm loving and living and putting myself out there. Being vulnerable, in the good and the bad. After I've had a good cry (which seems to be a lot lately) I always feel better. It's a good emotional release for me and I am truly thankful to God for allowing me to cry because I've lived without tears and it was horrible. 

This started out as a kind of serious post, but I am sitting here laughing.  All I can think about is that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond called "Alone Time."  Debra tells Ray that she loves crying, that it makes her feel better.  The show closes with Ray trying to make himself cry to test out Debra's theory, making goofy crying and sad faces with no results.  He gives up and turns on "Soul Sister" and dances in his best white boy way.  It is such a funny episode. It just proves my point, that crying isn't a horrible thing and tears are indeed something to be thankful for.

Giving Thanks - Day #4

Today I am thankful for God's word and the ability to memorize easily.  I don't know where I would be without a scripture to stand on or a promise to trust in from God. God's word is an extension of who He is.  It reminds me who I am in Christ and what God has promised for those who love him, which is a lot.  If you know me, you know I have memorized a big portion of God's word over the years in Sunday School, Missionettes, Bible Quiz, and otherwise. In most of those situations I learned God's word not because of the benefit it would give me but to get a goal accomplished, whether it was a competition or finishing a badge.  And I am so grateful for the competitions that pushed me to do something that would benefit me in life so much more than I realized in the heat of the competition.  I cannot count the number of times I have been able to locate a scripture verse to apply to a struggle or situation I was dealing with because I had put God's word into my heart at a young age and continue to do so. It has been life changing for me to not have to rely on a physical reference but to have God's word in my memory bank to pull from when I need it.

My favorite thing about God's word is that just like God, it doesn't change but stands forever.  God's word doesn't depend on me but is constant despite what I am going through or how everything else is changing around me and my life is complete chaos right now.  If you know me, I don't like change too well, so I'm glad to have the constant in my life of God's word. The kids and I have been listening to a couple CDs of scripture memory verse songs and I enjoy it as much as the kids, maybe more.  Here's my favorite song right now from those CDs. The video seems to not start at exactly the beginning, but it is all I could find online.

By the way, if you are interested, I found these scripture memory CD's for kids and love them.  I find that often the songs do the job of helping to memorize scripture, but annoy the adults in the process.  Not good.  These are cool and really aren't annoying, or at least to me they aren't.  I find myself singing these songs throughout the day and it really keeps me going.

Thank you God for you word and how it changes me!

Giving Thanks - Day #3

Today, I am thankful for my wonderful husband, B.J. I have said it time and time again, but it still rings true that God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought us together. No, God didn't give me what I thought I needed or wanted, but he gave me B.J. which proves that God's plans are better than our own.  He is very patient and supportive of me in everything I do.  He mellows me out when I am stressed or angry.  He is constant and not easily angered.  He sees me as beautiful when I see my flaws.  He buys me gifts and does thoughtful things just to show me he loves me.  He is my better half and completes me. He is a Godly example to our kids. I am so grateful that God has given me B.J.

Giving Thanks - Day #2

Today I am thankful for my job and coworkers.  I have worked at Sommerville & Associates since August of 2002 and really feel like it has been a Godsend to me.  I have been there since before I finished my undergrad degree and have grown from part time receptionist to CPA and professional over that time. I am thankful that the majority of our clientele and my coworkers are Christians and we can encourage each other and pray for each other on a daily basis.  Because our primary practice is helping religious nonprofits with tax compliance and IRS filings, I feel like it is not just my job, but my ministry.  Yes, there are tax deadlines and stressful times, but for the most part I really love what I do.  

I also am thankful that my employer is very understanding and willing to work with me and is pretty flexible as far as when I work and being able to get off for holidays and family priorities and such.  I know that if something comes up personally that demands my attention, I will not get yelled at if I need to deal with something and need some time off.  With that comes the understanding that the work will get done and as a team we will work together to help each other as much as we can.  I am thankful that I am able to work part time for these first 4 weeks with the kids in order to get things settled and help everyone adjust to the new normal. If I didn't have the mornings to do laundry and dishes and take care of other errands right now, I would be even more crazy than I already am. Honestly, I really didn't think I'd need to take so much time off (because I obviously had never done this before and thought I was Wonder Woman or something), but I am grateful that my employer made me. Because I really need this time right now. For the sake of my sanity and the well-being of my family.

Thank you God for your many blessings!

Disclaimer: The order in which I am posting is not based on priority but on whatever pops into my head at the moment.

Giving Thanks - Day #1

November is here and I've decided to try and post each day until Thanksgiving about something I am thankful for.  And it couldn't have come at a better time. 

I am exhausted and stressed and so in over my head, but today I choose to be thankful for my kids. God has entrusted them to me and I am so grateful.  It is all about perspective.  I am quickly realizing you can never be fully prepared for what life with three kids will be like.  I suppose it is different when you raise the kids from birth and add them one at a time, but God didn't choose that plan for us. And that is okay.  I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am often times envious of the normal family.  Sometimes I am angry and overwhelmed with how unfair life has been.  And then I remember God has us exactly where he wants us and these are our kids, even if we haven't raised them from birth.  And He is strengthening us and equipping us to help our kids by His Spirit.

Today I am thankful for sweet moments with our kids...
-Like when K knew I was stressed yesterday and made an effort to give me a hug and tell me that she was glad that we were her forever family and the ones she was looking for.
-Or like tonight when I tucked H into bed and she said she wanted to hug me longer and not let go.
-Or when D hugs me so tight and makes sure to beat me to the punch and say he loves me first.

Because some days I just need to step back and change my perspective. Thank you God for your goodness!

I LOVE Being a Mommy

The kids have been here close to a week so I thought I should update.  

The kids flew in on last Friday morning and we all met at our house to sign the paperwork for adoptive placement. The placement is supposed to take place at our house according to the state rules.  To get around that requires special approval which basically amounts to delaying placement. After placement, we went to McDs for a quick lunch on the way out of town.  That is right. As soon as we got the kids we packed up and headed back to Houston to get their bikes and a few other small things. The kids traveled really well.  I was prepared with a ton of coloring books, sticker books, and other paper to keep them entertained for the 4 hour trip each way.  We stayed the night in a hotel and headed back Saturday morning after picking up their bikes at the foster-parent's house.  They are kids so of course there was the normal "she's looking at me" and "he touched me" stuff going on, but for the most part they did really well. We learned very quickly that D loves making things out of paper (anything really) and tape and giving them away as presents to whomever he sees.  He is a very sweet boy and very giving.  On the trip we also learned that, apparently, if there are no houses on the side of the interstate, or none that K can see, then we can't possibly be headed home.  She was convinced we were going the wrong way.  She did better once we actually got to an area of I45 that included houses she could see from the truck.

By the time we got home, we were all ready to be out of the car for a while.  We went over to my parents for dinner on Saturday night (which allowed me to not have to cook) and they got to play with Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) and Nana and Papa (BJ's parents).

Sunday was church.  The loved children's church and their Sunday School classes.  The real test was making it through the 2pm service where the kids have to sit still and quiet through the preaching because there isn't any classes for them.  I had special sticker books and paperdoll books for the kids to color and they did well. 

Monday I went and registered the kids for school while BJ kept them entertained at home. Tuesday they started school and they all seem to be learning well and having a good time. K's pre-K doesn't start until 12:20 so she walks D & H to school with me and then we return home to hang out and play for a couple of hours before her school.  It is really nice that the school is basically across the street and we don't have to fight the driving traffic to get them to school. Right now BJ is off work so he is able to take K and pick the kids up so I can get some work in.  It is working well and I expect it will work well until he goes back to work on 10/31 and we have to figure out another plan so I can get my hours in and the kids can be taken care of. We have a couple of ideas as to how we will make it work.

A couple of things I want to remember about the kids' first week:

H loves school and is quick to do her homework as soon as she gets home.  We are working on her not being so independent.  It is okay to do things yourself but she needs to learn to let me look at all her stuff so we know we aren't missing anything.  I had asked her about spelling words earlier in the week and she told me she knew them.  Last night when I quizzed her on them, she didn't know them and hadn't even studied them.  No bueno.  So we studied them and I quizzed her until she knew all 16 words. Last night I also looked over her math homework and we had to talk about it to make sure she understood.  I think she rushes through it so it is done but isn't necessarily worried if they are right or not.  We are working on it and she is very smart, so I'm sure she'll get there if she'll let me help her and not try to do it all on her own.

D is so smart.  My proud mommy moment of the week is that he can spell constellation.  I think that it is a crazy 1st grade spelling word, but he conquered it.  He says he doesn't like school, but I can't figure out why because he is so smart.  Yes, we have to work at it a little, but his memory is very good.  Today is his first spelling test, so I hope he does well.  His first response to anything, whether he likes it or not is whining.  Hopefully, he won't get all worked up when the teacher tells him it is time for his spelling test. I have already seen improvements in this since he knows whining isn't going to change the fact he still has to do his homework and still has to brush his teeth, etc. I love when he cuddles up next to me during our Bible reading and prayer time each night.  We found out that he prefers button up shirts to t-shirts so I went and bought him quite a few.  I like little boys in polos or button ups, so I am happy with his choice.

K is my sweetheart and my baby.  She loves to be held and hugged.  She doesn't hug BJ as much, but she sure does know how to turn on the charm when she wants something. They learn so young. She has this funny thing she does where she stomps her foot and makes a serious staring face and then cracks up laughing.  She is silly.  She loves the kids praise and worship DVD we have and will watch it over and over if you'll let her.  She dances around the living room, doing the movements with the kids on the DVD.  When BJ gives me a hug or kiss, she tries to wiggle her way in between us to stop him.  She says it is gross. She freely gives out hugs and kisses, so there is a little of a disconnect.

We are all tired from our first week at school and are ready to be able to sleep in as late as we want tomorrow.  BJ says that means they'll all be up earlier than usual tomorrow.  I wouldn't be surprised.

Life isn't perfect, but overall things are going really smoothly and we are really excited to be at this place in our lives.  Sunday we are having an all church singing at the 2pm service and my kids are planning on singing.  We will see how that goes.  D keeps asking me if Daddy is singing with him and I keep saying yes. My plan to get BJ singing is working, maybe.  

Behind

So I realized Sunday that my biggest struggle with this adoption is the fact that my kids don't know God.  If I were to have biological children, they would be raised in church and would know nothing but serving God. Some people may see that as a disadvantage, but I am very glad that is how I was raised. I love God so much because I was taught to love and serve God from an early age.  It has been my life and I am grateful!! So it bothers me that my kids are starting behind other kids their age who have been raised in church.  I have been doing a lot of praying about this and am trying to not let the devil in with his fear and lies and to just trust God in this.  But if I'm going to be honest, it is hard.  I'd guess every parent who wants to raise their kids to love God and serve him have this struggle sometimes, but it is intensified for me in that I am 7,6, and 4 years behind in this.  And I don't like being behind. 

Yesterday in my personal devotion time, God spoke very clearly to me through this verse.

"Do not be afraid...For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground. I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring and my blessing on your descendents." Isaiah 44:2-3

In my Bible I wrote, "God, you will provide your Spirit and presence for my kids who have not been taught to love you, yet."  YET. I love that word. It carries with it a sense of hope of something on the horizon.  So, yes, we're starting behind, but God is faithful to keep his word and he will not overlook my kids or hold their past against them, but will come to them, will pour out his Spirit, his love on them.  Because just like anyone else, they need him. And He loves them more than I could ever understand.

Moving In

I got a call on Friday from Erisha, the kids worker. She told me that she had talked to the foster mom and had told her she could start packing some of the kids things so we should expect to bring somethings home with us.  At first it was a bit overwhelming because it meant this was really happening. Then, I decided it would be a good idea to get some stuff before the kids come so I could get somethings organized and know more what I needed as far as storage and such. However, I did not expect this...

There was a huge box of clothes for each kid, three boxes of toys and other stuff and a trash bag of pillows.  Basically we ended up with almost everything they have except for a week worth of clothes, bikes, and a few toys.  So today I have been going through stuff, setting aside some items that are too small or stained for the kids to go through (because I don't want to throw away something from their past that means something to them). I am at a standstill as I have run out of hangers.  I have the girls stuff about half way gone through.  

Tomorrow after work it'll be a trip to get some hangers, storage bins, and a bookshelf maybe to put in the closet. And I have got to at least figure out what I am doing about a dresser for D.  That's a pretty big dilemma that I can't seem to solve at the moment.  I am pretty sure every night this week will be filled with running here and there to get things closer to ready for the kids.  It doesn't have to be perfect, but what I can get done now, I don't have to try and do with three kids in tow.  Dondi, one of my coworkers, said it would be nice to get a week without her kids to go through her boys' rooms, so I am definitely taking advantage of the time before the chaos begins.

And now for the big news...placement is scheduled for Friday!  The kids and their workers will be flying in Friday morning for us to sign some paperwork and make this official.  We are so excited!!  The adoption won't be final for 6 months, but effective after we sign the paperwork, the kids are essentially ours. Wow!

I keep getting asked if I'm ready and I don't really know how to answer that.  How can you be ready for everything you know nothing about?  People are trying to reassure us and honestly, I am ready to an extent. But you can never be fully prepared for something like this.  We are excited and we know the kids are too.

The timing could not be more perfect.  Because God knows what he is doing!  Our 10/15 deadline will be completed before I move to part time and the 11/15 deadline work for me is quite manageable at this point.  

5 days and counting.

K - the Kutie

(It's my blog and I can spell cutie with a K if I want to.  Besides I couldn't find an alliteration with the letter K that fit, so it is what it is.)

K is my baby and she is at a really fun age. The best word to describe her, besides cute, would be moody.  One moment she is happy and laughing and the next she is crying.  We are trying to teach her to ask us to do things and not demand it of us, but that is a work in progress.  I'm sure since she is so cute, she has learned most people will respond to her cuteness and demands.  Well not this mommy.

She is the most ticklish little girl I have ever met.  Seriously, you can't even help her button her pants without her laughing.  So fun! Everything tickles her.  She has this normal laugh, and then what I'd like to call her evil laugh.  It isn't really evil, it is just deeper and comes from lower in her gut.  Cracks me up!!  She is not shy to tell you what she wants, which is generally a good thing.  Much better than when you have to guess in my opinion. She will copy whatever you do and thinks it is so funny.

K loves to be held and hugged. She is such a snuggle bug and I love it.  Right now she prefers me to BJ most of the time but has her moments when she wants him too.  It'll just a take a little time I think.

She likes to sing and when playing by herself will sing to herself.  I never can quite understand what she is singing, but she has a pretty little voice.

She calls BJ, DJ most of the time. She has the most southern accent of any of the kids.  I think it is because she is almost always smiling when she talks. She will not be overlooked and her voice gets louder each time she has to repeat herself.

She can be shy if she doesn't know you and is probably the most clingy to me, but I think that is because of her age.

She loves her baby dolls and is very motherly to them. She is good with sharing with her siblings.

She loves to wear my "flop flops" and I love the fact she calls them "flop flops." So cute!!

I love my baby girl so much and can't wait to watch her grow up and learn to love God!

D - The Daring

I have much to update about, but thought I'd finish my blogs about each of the children before getting to all of that.

D is my middle child and all boy! He turned 6 in June and is in the first grade. 

He was enamored with BJ's cap on the first visit, so when he came to visit us here, he found the smallest cap he could (BJ has quite a collection) and we let him wear it home with him.  I am pretty sure he loves it as he has been wearing it whenever we've seen him since then.  He is a good eater and really isn't picky at all. I remember the first weekend, the foster dad told us that when D hugs you, you can feel it.  He is a very loving child and full of energy.  I'm pretty sure both of us have been almost tackled to the floor upon arrival at their house to pick them up. He pretty much runs outside and to the car whenever we come.

He is a skinny little guy as his jeans that are long enough, basically fall off of him. He does this funny thing where he makes his face turn red, but every time, he flexes the muscles in his arm.  It makes me die laughing.  He bought a fake mustache out of one of the machines at Cicis and wore it basically all weekend.  So funny!  He bought one for BJ too so I expect he'll make BJ wear his next time we see them.

He wants to do whatever everyone else is doing and wants desperately to fit in.  I talked to the girls about getting their toenails painted and he chimed in that he wanted to also, and didn't even care if they were pink. He informed me was manly enough for pink.

He keeps an eye on all of us to make sure we are being fair and he will let you know if he thinks he is getting the short end of the stick.

He loves money and found 8 pennies over the weekend which he stores safely in his pocket.

While at the children's museum, there was a station where the kids could paint their own faces.  He wanted us to paint him like spiderman, but I didn't even know where to begin with that, so he took it upon himself.  By the time he was done, he was a tiger, with yellow/orange skin, black stripes and a blue nose.  And he was very proud.

He loves to make things with paper and is always asking if we have any.  He folds it all sorts of ways and makes things for us.  I have to admit that besides his paper airplanes, he has to tell me what he has made.  I haven't developed the ability to tell what kids are making yet.

He is very giving and is always thinking of others. He always wants to make something for his foster brother or someone else he knows.

I love my little man and am excited to learn more about him and see how God will use him in the future.

Meet H - The Firstborn

I am starting a little mini series on my blog where I share things I've learned about each of our children in the three short visits we have had with them. I know that soon, these stories will be overlooked by new adventures and new struggles, so I am recording them because I don't want to forget a thing. H is our 7 year old daughter and she is full of life. From the moment we met her, she was the most engaged and welcoming. She almost immediately starting calling us Mommy and Daddy. Their therapist had told them about us and tried to prepare them for the transition to their forever family. She loves to talk and is very curious about everything. She is not afraid to speak her mind or tell you what she thinks she "needs" and you should buy her. She will do anything to make you happy and is a big helper, volunteering assistance all the time. In a lot of ways, she is like me. I guess as much as any first born is like another. Always wants to be in control, taking care of everyone else, the leader. Her favorite colors are baby blue, purple, red and hot pink and she informed me that they change all the time. She asks us to turn the music up in the car and sings with the radio, pretending like she knows the words when you can tell she really doesn't. She "needs" a jewelry box and some jewelry to wear just like me. And this 7 year old wants ruffled socks. I bought some for her sister, but not her. I thought she may think it was too girly, but obviously I didn't know her very well when I opted for the plain white socks. But I definitely need to find some for her before she visits again. She attempted to wear her sister's socks that were way too small, just because they had ruffles. I wouldn't let that fly. Everything is a competition with her. Including getting ready for bed and getting her seatbelt buckled. And school. She is very proud of her straight A's. I secretly think this is why she is the one of our children that enjoyed fishing longer than the others. She was determined to catch more fish than anyone else. (FYI -They were fishing at a stocked pond, but very few people actually caught anything.) On the way home from the park, H and K rode with BJ and D rode with me. According to BJ, at some point the girls decided they should race us home and were chanting "Go, BJ, Go!" When she saw there was an offering contest in Children's Church between the boys and girls, she came and found me so she could get her little coin purse out of the car and help the girls beat the boys, which they did. (We may need to start working on it being okay to make mistakes and be a good sport whether you win or not. I remember being devastated every time I wasn't perfect growing up. This sounds like payback. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes.) She loves to color and is actually quite good at it. We still have chalk drawings on our front sidewalk to prove it. She finished coloring her paper before Sunday School even started. Ms. Kim said she was a big helper, very eager to please. While we were watching a movie she crawled up and laid on the couch next to BJ with her head in his lap. Such a sweet girl! She is taller than the other girls at church her age (but they are small for their age). She may be our basketball or volleyball player. We'll have to wait and see. It's gonna be interesting to be looking up at my teenage daughter, but I'm sure we'll manage. It's been great getting to know her. I have a feeling it's going to be a lot like raising myself. Ha! I should start praying now!!

Blessed and Grateful

The kids went home earlier today and I miss them already. My house has little remnants of the kids all over. From the way the girls purposefully placed their stuffed animals on their bed to D's paper airplane he left on the couch. Yep, we are definitely a family with three kids. I have been pretty hesitant to say anything definitively, since they aren't placed with us yet, and I am afraid to be disappointed, again. But today I was reminded to wear my blessings well and give God credit instead of downplaying what God gives us. So here it goes. God is just so good. I prayed and prayed and cried a lot over the past few years. I didn't know what God was doing, but I knew there had to be a reason we weren't able to conceive. It was heartbreaking month after month when you have done all you can and you have absolutely no control. We loved on our friends kids and tried to stay distracted in the mean time, but in my heart there was an empty place waiting to be filled. And I tried to just keep going day after day, but there were moments I felt like I was being punished or wasn't good enough to have kids. Of course everyone around me showed up pregnant unexpectedly and I would be hurt and angry again every time I found out. I felt like God had overlooked me and I didn't understand why. But now I know. It was all a part of the journey. God has been preparing the kids for us and us for the kids this entire time. They are the kids God knew we would have since the creation of time. We believe children are a gift from the Lord and we will soon be receiving our gift with open arms. All those tears, God saw and he answered. There was not a single night that I would cry myself to sleep that God didn't see. He was working behind the scene for our good, according to His plan, and I am so grateful and blessed! Thank you, God, for your goodness to us! Let me never be so busy that I forget to give you credit for the amazing things you have done for us!! You are awesome!!

The Kiddos are Coming

Tomorrow morning the kids will arrive on a flight to visit us for about 24 hours. This will be the first time they've gotten to see their new home so I am excited! I feel like this is a big step in the right direction.

Tonight I finished putting the girls' room together. We just got the second girls bed Wednesday so tonight, I put it together and redid all the bedding. If you'll remember here, I had the girl's bedding bought and the room ready to go. At that point, we set the rooms up for one boy and one girl. Well, God has given us two girls and that means I had to get another bed. And because nothing can go smoothly, when I went to purchase the same bedding so that the two would match, it was nowhere to be found. I originally bought the bedding at Walmart and didn't even anticipate I'd run into that problem. I contemplated getting a second set of bedding that would go but not necessarily be the same, but honestly, I was scared it wouldn't really go, so I bit the bullet and bought two new quilt sets, bed skirts and sheets. No, they aren't exact, but the colors are really good together and all go with the yellow walls in the bedroom. And I would really rather have quilts than comforters anyways. The room is far from done as I want the girls to help me pick out some personal things to put on the walls since it will be their room after all. Now for your viewing pleasure...

This weekend's visit isn't going to be exactly as I expected, but I'm sure we will make do. I just have to decide to have a good attitude even though I'm a little disappointed. We will be meeting them (the kids and their worker) at the airport tomorrow because we have booster seats and she doesn't. From there somehow she will get to her rental car and follow us to our house. I'm not sure how long she will stay or what she will be doing until they head back to the airport at noon on Sunday. At 1 we have one of the workers from our agency coming for an unofficial visit to meet the kids. After that, BJ is planning to take D fishing and I'll take the girls shopping for some stuff for their rooms and ice cream. K asked for ice cream a lot on the last visit. I'd guess it is one of her favorite snacks. Sunday we have church, so I bought the kids new clothes as promised. I hope everything fits alright. We may do a fashion show of sorts after they get here tomorrow so if we need to make any adjustments or returns, we'll have some time to do so. We'll be leaving directly from church to meet Erisha with the kids so they can return to the airport. Since we are the only ones with booster seats, we may be taking them to the airport and meeting her there.

We hear the kids are as excited to see us as we are them. We sent them letters this week along with pictures from the first weekend to remind them about that visit. I know I always loved getting mail as a child, and actually still do, so I hope it at least brought a smile to their faces. I was supposed to call them Tuesday, but before I realized it, it was past their bedtime. I felt kinda bad, but hopefully they will understand. It is a crazy time for us too!

We are anticipating getting a call from the state to finalize some paperwork this week. After this happens, they will move forward with placement. That means that next weekend we could be going down to Houston to pick up the kids and their stuff for good. SOOOO EXCITING!! I was beginning to doubt if we'd ever get here. Funny story - Word has gotten out at BJ's work that we are adopting and s0 everyone is congratulating BJ. This week someone said "Congrats on your three new kids and the one to arrive next year." Yeah, we hear at least once a week, "you know you're gonna get pregnant now" and we are fully aware that a lot of times things happen that way. Let just say God has a sense of humor. And if we do get pregnant now, we are okay with that. Whatever God wants. Whenever God wants it. But for now, we are looking forward to enjoying the three kids He's given us.